Cycle update and prayer requests - Updated

I haven't posted about my cycle in a while, so I thought I'd give a little update. I should point out, though, that I didn't chart while we were gone this week and so I'm not entirely sure how it all went down.

What I do know:

• Today is cycle day 15.
• My period lasted for five days with the fifth day being just spotting.
• Mucus started on day six and, with the exception of a dry day on day nine, lasted through til day 13.
• Yesterday, day 14, I saw 8 PC; I think this would normally be a yellow stamp day, but because it follows a peak day, I believe it should get a light green post-peak sticker instead.
• My bbt was low on Sunday (97.4) and high yesterday (98.1) and again today (98.3). I did not take it Monday or Tuesday since we were away.

So what's different? Well, a lot of things. My period was about three days shorter than it normally is for me. My mucus started three days earlier and ended about three days earlier.

If I ovulated, I'm guessing it could have happened on Monday or Tuesday. I'm basing this on a couple things: 1) Tuesday was my last peak-type mucus day, and, 2) while I did not take my bbt on Monday or Tuesday, it was low on Sunday morning and high on Wednesday morning.

As for other possible symptoms of ovulation or anovulation (depending on what these symptoms may mean), I had pretty severe cramping over the weekend (a day or two prior to ovulation if, in fact, I did ovulate early this week) and even had to use a heating pad. I also had a bad headache Sunday night. I have also experienced back pains since the weekend, which is very unusual for me.

I'm trying to be patient for my next doctor's appointment on Oct. 6. I'm just getting nervous that I'll just come out of it with nothing but another appointment in another four months. If that does happen, well, I have to trust God that it will be best. I also can't be scared of finding out that the met isn't working because that won't necessarily be a bad thing. We can probably raise the dose and it might be that it just needs more time.

Before I go, I have some prayer requests. Please pray for T.C., a mother in her thirties who was just diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer. Also, for K.P. who is dying of breast cancer and may have just a few days left.

I am also taking part in the 40 Days For Life campaign today and will be praying outside of a clinic in Richmond. Please join me in praying for the unborn, especially those whose mothers will visit abortion clinics today. I will also pray for all those who are unable to bare children themselves, because I can't help but connect these two things - the millions of women who kill their unwanted babies and the millions of women who pray and hope that one day they'll be able to have life within their womb. Maybe all of us struggling with infertility should adopt spiritual children - those in the wombs of women currently deciding whether to keep the child or abort - and pray for them especially. We may not have our own, but we can give our love to their children in the meantime.

Update: Okay, something is up. I just had some spotting. Sorry for the gory details, but it was brown and slightly mucusy. But it's day 15. Day 15! I've never got my period this early. In past cycles, the earliest I ever got my period was day 26 and the earliest I ever started spotting was day 24. Heck, when I first started charting my cycles went 40+ days! Oh well, I'm fine. This is truly a rollercoaster ride and I trust in God that everything will be okay. And if I do oddly get my period super early this cycle, at least I have a doctor's appointment in a week and a half.

Down

Well it has been a bad day. Actually, it's pretty much been a bad month. I had been doing so well through the spring and summer that this has caught me by surprise. I just so desperately want to be okay with not having biological children and I currently feel so very far from being okay with that.

I'm pretty much inconsolable at the moment. I'm depressed about my infertility. I'm depressed about not having peace with my infertility. I'm depressed about having to adopt. I'm depressed about not being okay with adoption. Here are just some of the thoughts currently swirling around in my mind:

• I have no idea how I'm going to be able to live the rest of my life like this.
• If I have to suffer through infertility, then why can't God just open my heart to adoption?
• I can't have kids AND I can't eat good food.
• It's just not fair.
• I am not as good as women who can get pregnant.
• I will never experience something that "those" women are able to, and often take for granted.
• I can't believe I am missing out on one of the fundamental things in the life of a human being.
• I just want to be normal.
• I just want to experience a pregnancy. Just once.

Uggghhh! I am so not a saint! Could you imagine what St. Therese would think of me if she were here today? Probably what all of you are thinking - that I'm a complainer!

I'm just having such a hard time right now and I am finding it very difficult to pull myself out of this. Nothing helps me anymore, not even success stories. Some people get pregnant on Clomid. Some people get pregnant after removing their endometriosis. Some people get pregnant after starting a diet. Some people get pregnant after starting met. For me, every treatment, every medication comes and goes, and I'm still in the same boat. Sure, I haven't been on the met too long, but it seems like people who do get pregnant on it get pregnant shortly after starting it. I just remember my doctor really seemed to imply that fixing my ovaries would be an uphill battle. They way he described them as slow, and the way he implied that my late progesterone rise was kind of rare, has really stuck with me since the appointment. I know my chances aren't good and I'm angry.

Oh ya, it's also cycle day one. That really has nothing to do with my feelings (other than maybe it has affected my hormones) because I honestly don't have a shot at being pregnant from month to month, but it's always a nice reminder of my failure as a human being.

Cycle update and whatever else is on my mind

I haven't been feeling too well lately. As I tried to fall asleep last night I had horrible stomach cramps. I thought for sure a stomach bug was coming on. I was convinced I'd be throwing up all night, it was that bad. But I never did. I woke up with some more cramping, but not as bad.

The thing that worries me is that nearly every morning I wake up with cramping. I'm worried it's the endometriosis coming back. And that's not me being a pessimist, because I sincerely haven't been looking for it and never thought it would come back. I'm just not sure what else could be wrong. If I had to guess where it is, I'd say on my intestines because the pain is lower-GI pain. When I had my two surgeries, Dr. H never detected any there, which surprised me because my pain just felt like it was coming from there.

Well, anyways, I have felt slightly nauseous all day today. It could be that the end of my cycle is nearing. I am on day 28, I think, and lately near the end of my cycles I, at worst, get nauseous and, at best, don't have an appetite. So it could be that. That being said, is nausea at the end of a cycle normal? Is it a sign of something? I'll have to add it to the list of questions for my doctor.

Speaking of this cycle, it has been pretty normal, which is good! I am currently nine days post-peak. I had severals days of good mucus lasting until mid-cycle, my temperature went up on my peak day, and then I had several non-mucus days while my temp stayed up. A couple interesting things to note, though. First, on the third day after my peak day, my temp dropped dramatically. It went from 98.2 to 96.8, which is way lower than my pre-peak temps which normally hover around 97.7. Nothing was out of the ordinary that morning and I did not take it earlier than normal. The very next day it went back up to 98.2 and stayed at that level until this morning, when it went up to 98.5. Also, yesterday I saw a very, very small amount of spotting, but it is gone today. That's not uncommon, as I will often have spotting every other day at the end of a cycle. Hopefully my dr. will give me something for low progesterone at my next visit, or whatever they give you to treat that problem (antibiotics?).

I've also been thinking about adoption lately. I got really upset last night, asking why God would want me to not only suffer infertility, but apparently doesn't want us to adopt right now either. I'm really praying hard that God can put it on my heart. But, in the end, if I am opening myself up to God's will, praying for it, and do not feel like that is where He is leading me, then I have to respect that. Just because something is "good" and "honorable" doesn't mean He wants that for us; if that were the case then he'd have answered my prayers with a pregnancy by now! So while it may appear that it's my problem that I'm not coming around to the idea of adoption, that would be taking God out of the equation.

But adoption differs from infertility in that it is within our control to just do it, and that somewhat complicates things. If I wanted to, I could walk into an adoption agency today, get the paper work, and start the process. And would God be upset with us for that? Most people would say no. So am I silly to just wait around for a sign from the heavens? How do I know if I am interpreting His will for me correctly? Am I letting my own hesitations and selfish desires for a biological child get in the way of discerning what God's will for me is? My husband is ready to adopt today and in a way, I am robbing him of being a parent by putting this off. God is apparently putting it on his heart to adopt, so should that supersede the absence of a clear feeling on my part? It's so confusing!

With all that in mind, we went to adoration last night. I didn't walk out with any clearer picture, but hopefully God will continue to help us come to a decision. I have just felt an overwhelming feeling for a couple years now that we are supposed to wait. And I'd like to think we're supposed to wait because I'll be pregnant soon, but I also know we might be waiting because the child we are supposed to adopt has not yet been conceived. I'm just going to continue to trust God and keep an open mind and heart. That's all I can do!

In other news, I'm going to a McCain/Palin rally tomorrow! I'm so excited. I'll get to see Sarah Palin in person and my primary goal is to get her to take a picture with my friend's baby. Last time I went to one of these things, I shook McCain's hand, so it's not out of the question I'd get up close. I tend to find a way to do that in situations like this. But this time there will be way more people there. They've already had to move the event because of the overwhelming response for tickets, so it's going to be packed. Check back tomorrow evening for pictures!!

Sad again

Still crying today. My temp dipped to 96.8 this morning, and I'm only four days post ovulation, if I even ovulated. That's crazy low. My temp doesn't ever get that low pre-ovulation. In other health-related news - my lower back on my left side has been killing me and I have been having terrible cramps off and on for the past few days - gastro-intestinal ones, not PMS - and my stomach has been upset.

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Our anniversary is shaping up to be a bad day. We have family and friends coming in for the NASCAR race this weekend so the house needs to be cleaned. My husband says he's going to take care of it (which is very sweet), but that still sucks because that means his time at home before going into work will be spent cleaning rather than doing something fun for our anniversary. And he can't do it today because he's fixing up the landscaping (I know, I shouldn't be complaining). And I'm not trying to be bratty and try to say we need some big celebration. My primary goal is getting my mind off of the fact that we have been trying to conceive for four years, so getting out and doing something would help that cause. Obviously I'm failing miserably at getting my mind off of it thus far.

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I just got a call from my Creighton instructor who I haven't spoken to in a few months. She's opening a new NaPro center somewhere (it's still a secret I guess so I can't say) and she wants me to make a DVD for them to use as a promotional tool. I really do feel as if I need to use my equipment, and my skills for that matter, for causes such as this. I believe that how I got my expensive equipment and even the idea for my movie was straight from God, so it would be selfish to say no to projects that promote life issues and the Church, and obviously I have a personal connection to NaPro and a desire to help promote it. I do really think this is all part of His plan for me. It's funny, though, because lately as soon as one big project is done (or at least the most stressful parts are behind me), a call comes to start something new. I'm getting to the point where I'm nervous about God has planned next! (Just kidding. Nervous is the last thing I should be if He is in control!) That being said, when is He going to give me time to promote my movie? I need to trust, I know, and I also know God is working on that for me, too. I guess I'll just have to pray.