I haven't been feeling too well lately. As I tried to fall asleep last night I had horrible stomach cramps. I thought for sure a stomach bug was coming on. I was convinced I'd be throwing up all night, it was that bad. But I never did. I woke up with some more cramping, but not as bad.
The thing that worries me is that nearly every morning I wake up with cramping. I'm worried it's the endometriosis coming back. And that's not me being a pessimist, because I sincerely haven't been looking for it and never thought it would come back. I'm just not sure what else could be wrong. If I had to guess where it is, I'd say on my intestines because the pain is lower-GI pain. When I had my two surgeries, Dr. H never detected any there, which surprised me because my pain just felt like it was coming from there.
Well, anyways, I have felt slightly nauseous all day today. It could be that the end of my cycle is nearing. I am on day 28, I think, and lately near the end of my cycles I, at worst, get nauseous and, at best, don't have an appetite. So it could be that. That being said, is nausea at the end of a cycle normal? Is it a sign of something? I'll have to add it to the list of questions for my doctor.
Speaking of this cycle, it has been pretty normal, which is good! I am currently nine days post-peak. I had severals days of good mucus lasting until mid-cycle, my temperature went up on my peak day, and then I had several non-mucus days while my temp stayed up. A couple interesting things to note, though. First, on the third day after my peak day, my temp dropped dramatically. It went from 98.2 to 96.8, which is way lower than my pre-peak temps which normally hover around 97.7. Nothing was out of the ordinary that morning and I did not take it earlier than normal. The very next day it went back up to 98.2 and stayed at that level until this morning, when it went up to 98.5. Also, yesterday I saw a very, very small amount of spotting, but it is gone today. That's not uncommon, as I will often have spotting every other day at the end of a cycle. Hopefully my dr. will give me something for low progesterone at my next visit, or whatever they give you to treat that problem (antibiotics?).
I've also been thinking about adoption lately. I got really upset last night, asking why God would want me to not only suffer infertility, but apparently doesn't want us to adopt right now either. I'm really praying hard that God can put it on my heart. But, in the end, if I am opening myself up to God's will, praying for it, and do not feel like that is where He is leading me, then I have to respect that. Just because something is "good" and "honorable" doesn't mean He wants that for us; if that were the case then he'd have answered my prayers with a pregnancy by now! So while it may appear that it's my problem that I'm not coming around to the idea of adoption, that would be taking God out of the equation.
But adoption differs from infertility in that it is within our control to just do it, and that somewhat complicates things. If I wanted to, I could walk into an adoption agency today, get the paper work, and start the process. And would God be upset with us for that? Most people would say no. So am I silly to just wait around for a sign from the heavens? How do I know if I am interpreting His will for me correctly? Am I letting my own hesitations and selfish desires for a biological child get in the way of discerning what God's will for me is? My husband is ready to adopt today and in a way, I am robbing him of being a parent by putting this off. God is apparently putting it on his heart to adopt, so should that supersede the absence of a clear feeling on my part? It's so confusing!
With all that in mind, we went to adoration last night. I didn't walk out with any clearer picture, but hopefully God will continue to help us come to a decision. I have just felt an overwhelming feeling for a couple years now that we are supposed to wait. And I'd like to think we're supposed to wait because I'll be pregnant soon, but I also know we might be waiting because the child we are supposed to adopt has not yet been conceived. I'm just going to continue to trust God and keep an open mind and heart. That's all I can do!
In other news, I'm going to a McCain/Palin rally tomorrow! I'm so excited. I'll get to see Sarah Palin in person and my primary goal is to get her to take a picture with my friend's baby. Last time I went to one of these things, I shook McCain's hand, so it's not out of the question I'd get up close. I tend to find a way to do that in situations like this. But this time there will be way more people there. They've already had to move the event because of the overwhelming response for tickets, so it's going to be packed. Check back tomorrow evening for pictures!!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Cycle update and whatever else is on my mind
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
It's hard not being open to adoption (on your end or God's), but it must be even harder when your spouse is open and you aren't.
ReplyDeleteI've definitely felt this general intuition as well that my wife and I are called to wait at this point: maybe adoption later, or hopefully a pregnancy. But waiting for now. All the questions keep coming about whether that is right or what the purpose is; the best we can do is pray, continue the discussion and struggle to be open.
The rest is up to Him!
That's awesome about tonight- have fun!!
ReplyDeleteAs for adoption... the child that was meant to be yours WILL find it's way to you, but getting the process started now doesn't have to mean you are taking God's will out of the equation. Who knows? Maybe after you fill out the very first paperwork, God may place it on your heart, because maybe His plan for you involves YOU taking the first steps toward your baby. Just an idea. But take it with a grain of salt, because this is coming from a person who does feel a call to adopt. I'm just recalling the story of the man who was stuck in a flood, and as the water rose and all his neighbors took off in boats, he kept climbing the floors of his house. A boat passed by and some neighbors yelled, "Get in!" He replied, "That's ok, God will save me!" At that point he had to climb out on to the roof, the water was so high. Another boat came by with some of the last people from the neighborhood in it- "C'mon, get in," they called. "No thank you! God will save me." The water kept on rising, and finally he was at the top of the roof. A helicopter flew by, and the pilot got on a loudspeaker to say, "Grab on to the rope we're lowering for you!" Once again, the man replied, "I know God will save me!"
As the water rose up to his chin, the man looked up to the heavens and cried out to God, "Why? Why didn't you save me?" And God replied, "I sent you 2 boats and a helicopter! What else do you want??!"
My personal opinion- I think God would be thrilled to have you adopt one of His children, and start that process now. He suffers with you, and if that process will alleviate any of that suffering with peace of mind, I know He'll be happy to see you happy.
I came across your blog today. My husband and I have been married and trying to conceive for 5 years now. We even tried to adopt and were on a wait list for almost 2 years and when our time came, we found the agency was not being honest with us and decided it would be best to leave them. They got to keep half of our money which was a lot (at least for us) and left me feeling worse than ever before. I can't even have a child through adoption apparently. I doubt we can afford to try adoption again. We started the Creighton Model in May and had our first appointment with the fetility consultant today. I, too, was told that it appears that I may very liekly have endometriosis. I was feeling better these past few months but this news brought me back into the deep hole I have found myself in for the past 5 years. It's so hard because I work in an agency made up of many young woman and it seems like someone gets pregnant every month and then comes the many multitudes of baby showers to try to avoid. Wow. I am being so depressing. Anyways, it made me feel a little better to know that I am not the only one with these feelings. Though I wish nobody had to have this happen to them
ReplyDeleteHere's a blog site that may interest you all... she is a blogger friend that shares her story about foster care to a big surprise... just sharing her thoughts not trying to add anything to yours.
ReplyDeletehttp://writerbyday.typepad.com/autumn_olivia/2008/01/index.html
For what it's worth, I've had more lower GI pain since my surgeries, too--and I really thought I'd have endometriosis on my intestines, too, but didn't.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're not feeling called to adoption right now. I think it's admirable that you're being very careful in discerning your call. It will be a very good thing for your future children to have a mom who puts God's will first!
Ooh, and have fun at the rally!
okay what I am about to say will MOST DEFINITELY sound weird, and some people might think I am crazy for even saying it.
ReplyDeleteBUT on the adoption front ... one of the things that comes to mind for me is how P and I adopted our little furbabies and now I love them as much as I possibly can! I consider them OURS and on a daily basis don't think about how they came to be with us, just that they ARE with us.
I share this with you because I know how much you love your pets, too, and how I bet you love them in the same way.
I realize animals and humans are NOT the same but ... you get my point. Our hearts operate in such a way ... that, like God's ... we care not so much how someone/thing comes into our lives, but that they are in our lives!!!
The decision to adopt shouldn't be taken lightly ... but I also don't think we should be paralyzed by fear of the unknown. It is different from giving birth, but I have no doubt that there are joys in adoption that biological mothers miss out on ... a unique sense of destinies being fulfilled... of helping to bring life into a situation that once seemed hopeless (despair of the pregnant woman ... and the despair of the infertile woman ...) So many joys !!!
Finally, the scriptures are clear that Christians are to care for the orphaned, widowed, etc... (sorry don't have verse in front of me!)
It might seem like I am trying to make the case to you, but I am really only trying to encourage you to consider the option fairly ... and outside some of the stigmas associated with adoption.
I will soon be eating my own words since we are headed in that direction and I am honestly looking forward to the day when our first child is in our arms!