Sunday, January 11, 2009

The letter *Updated

I just can't do it. I'm not entirely sure why, but my mind is a completely empty when it comes to this. I cannot, for the life of me, think of absolutely anything to say in the birthparent letter.

I've looked online. I've read blogs and websites that give tips. I've read other letters. I've prayed. I've read the tips our agency gives us. I've thought about it for nearly four months.

My husband was nice enough to write one yesterday, but because I am a control-freak, I don't want to use it. He is more of a fact person and this letter needs to be more flowery and emotional. If it were just going in our file, I'd use his letter because I don't think the letter is going to be the deciding decision in whether a birthparent picks us. Our social worker even told us most birthmothers ask them to pick for them. I'm stressing because it is going to go online and our family, friends and strangers (including the other waiting couples) will be able to read it.

As I re-read that last paragraph, it seems like I am spending way too much time caring what other people think. I don't really care, though. I just want an average letter to put up there that will blend in with the others. It doesn't have to be anything special. I just want to get it DONE. (I know, I know.. you're thinking, then use your husband's letter. I might use parts of it, but I have to re-work it and that is still overwhelming me).

What is getting me, I think, is the opening line/paragraph. So many are so hokey. I just cannot figure out how to start it. And you are probably thinking I just need to relax and do it, just say anything. That's fine.. but I can't! My mind is blank. Utterly blank.

Not surprisingly, it has crossed my mind whether this writers' block means that we're not supposed to adopt. That seems silly, but if my heart was into it, wouldn't this be at least a little bit easier?

So I am wasting another day at my computer, alternating between staring at a blank Word file and googling "birthparent letter."

I wish I didn't have to do this.

And if this letter wasn't causing me enough stress this cycle and potentially hurting my fragile hormone balance, I realized yesterday that my husband might not be around when I ovulate this month, and all because of the inauguration, which he has to cover for work (of course, right? As if I wasn't already upset enough about this inauguration, now it might affect my first Tamoxifen cycle????). 

I could scream, but I won't because I am trying to not stress about it so that I don't cause a later ovulation, thereby pretty much ensuring he will be gone for it. What a vicious cycle!

I am on cycle day 12. He will be gone the Jan. 19-21, and will be back home on the 22nd. That means he will be gone on cycle days 20-22. That sounds okay, but my peak day has been around day 18 every other month lately and so while he might be here for my peak day, he'd be gone for at least part of the count of three. I know, I know...we should be fine. I'm just nervous about the possibility that I'll ovulate late. Does anyone know if drugs like Clomid and Tamoxifen affect when you ovulate, like causing it to happen sooner or later than normal?

The good news is if this every other month thing keeps up, this month will be a cycle where I ovulate early, possibly by mid-week even, around day 15. That would be ideal. So I am probably worrying about it for no reason. 

I'm also not looking forward to him being gone. I'll be so lonely. Hopefully I will at least still be doing well emotionally.

I've also been seeing less mucus than normal, but last month I said that very same thing and the next day started a string of days where I saw wonderful mucus, so I won't go there.

I need to stop worrying and stressing; I can be my own worst enemy. I still have a positive attitude, I'm trusting in the Lord that I will get pregnant one day, and I've given up worrying about the big things. No wonder I am finding little things to stress about. I'm just filling the void that was left, apparently.

I think I'm going to go pray more about the letter.


*Update: Well maybe it was your prayers, or maybe it was my venting on this blog, but soon after clicking "publish" on this post, the words began to flow. (Great advice, though, that several of you left in the comments about writing it in adoration! If I hadn't been able to do it tonight, I would have definitely tried that)

So, in the end, my letter is very similar to my husband's. Other than a couple lines at the beginning and end, I didn't even use his as I wrote mine. I realized they were nearly identical once I was finished. It makes sense, since it's the same life we were writing about. I think I just needed to do it myself. Maybe it was something I needed to work through. I know I feel better now that it's over, and better than had I just used his. Although it was awfully nice of him to do it. 

And since one stressful thing usually makes me stress about other things, having this letter out of the way has already made me relax about my cycle. Next, we'll edit it and show it to others for their thoughts, but the hardest part is over. What a weight lifted off my shoulders! Now we just have to find my husband's missing DMV pin number needed to access the DMV website in order to print out his driving records. They have to mail it to you, and it was sent to our old address because that is what is in the system for him, but the mail is no longer forwarded. Ahhh! We will finish this home study one way or another!!


  1. my best advice is to jot down some ideas and then string together the letter from there. no one ever said that you had to start from the beginning!

    i've started and stopped my research on adoption more times than i can count. the first few times i just couldn't stomach the idea. in the recent past i stopped because i was in the midst of being diagnosed.

    i have a hard time accepting defeat -- and unfortunately adoption would feel like i was giving up. i've never been one to give up on anything. then again, what am i giving up if we adopt? i would still be a mom in the end, right?

    don't be too hard on yourself. the letter will come, just be patient.

  2. I'm on Clomid and have found that instead of having unpredictable cycles I am now on a consistant 28 day cycle with mature follies showing up around CD18. My problem they haven't figured out how to fix, however, is my inability to ovulate. *sigh* Not sure if that tells you anything but Clomid also makes my ups and downs MUCH more dramatic - so that's fun. All the best...

  3. What do you say? Can you expect to know what it would be like to be pregnant and choose adoption? Considering all we have been doing the past years has been trying to get pregnant? I can't even imagine trying to find the perfect words to say to someone. I would battle it too. Maybe you can try writing it at Adoration.

    Can you change your letter? Can you use your husbands and then change it once your writers block is gone?

    I can totally see why you would use some of his and add your touch. Because in a way this is a blending of each of you.....Not your control issues! :) hehehe

    I wonder how much the letter matters, compared to the pictures. You just never know. Take the chance. Honey, if two men can write a birthparent letter, and adopt. I bet your husbands was WAY better than theirs. We have seen his writing before and we all fell in love with him!!! :)

  4. Hi! I wrote my birthmother letter in adoration and it was amazing how the words just came to me! I still keep some hope about adoption and that the right birthmom will come into the agency and will choose us! Since it's been a year and half since we've been lisensed....I'm not losing any sleep over waiting. A couple we met through adoption got a baby last Sept......out of the unexpected. They couldn't be happier. So, I agree with Sew and adoration is a perfect place to let Jesus into your heart to write that letter. I also had my portfolio blessed by a priest. Good luck with the letter. God bless.

  5. I think writing your letter to the birthmom in adoration is the best suggestion. Let God give you the words that will be just what that one birthmom needs to hear. A dear friend of mine struggled with this same thing and she finally found peace when she realized she is not seeking to appeal to all of the birthmoms, she just needed to appeal to the one who would give them her baby. I know it sounds simple, but this really freed her and made the task less burdensome. No matter what, it will be hard, but just imagine what she is going through! I think St. John Neuman said "Heart speaks to heart". Let your heart and DH's heart speak to her heart.
    I am not in this position, so I can't probably understand just how difficult this is for you, but know that you are receiving our prayers!
    By the way, how crazy about your cycle. I don't really know how not to stress, but I am determined to do just that this month (HA, the pressure ought to really help).
    I hope you and DH can make the most of this cycle!

  6. I love your honesty. Maybe that would be a starting point? I will pray your writers block will go away and your cycle will cooperate!

  7. And now, a completely different perspective:

    As an adoptee, albeit one from the bad ol' days of secrets and lies in adoption [1963], I wanted to give you a few words of encouragement. Through sheer luck or kismet, I ended up being adopted by a couple who simply adored me. My childhood was nearly idyllic.

    My adoptive mother was infertile and a heartbroken, stressed out wreck about it. After several years of infertility treatments - and apparently no intention of "giving up", the specialist who was treating her told her that he had just examined a new resident of the local maternity home who looked "like she could be your sister." He then urged her to complete the paperwork to adopt, so that she and her husband could adopt that woman's child.

    Lo and behold, when she and my aFather went to the maternity home to pick up their new blonde-haired, blue-eyed baby, they somehow decided to adopt brown-eyed, brown-haired me instead.

    The moral of this long-winded soliloquiy? You simply cannot predict someone else's choices. Sometimes you can't even predict your own. Somehow it all works out the way it is supposed to.

    Since your husband is interested enough to sit down and compose a letter himself [I cannot imagine my husband doing that!], maybe you ought to give his letter a chance. If it doesn't work, then write your own.

    My life-long best friend went through fertility treatments. She is a very level-headed, non-dramatic person. While on the Clomid injections though, she experienced incredibly wild mood swings. Keep this in mind as you go through the next few months so you don't think you've suddenly lost your mind. ;-)

    re: your ovulation date: I used the hormone level tests when trying to get pregnant with my 2nd child. I got pregnant BEFORE I hit the targeted hormone level. [Well, I don't know which day I got pregnant, but I do know when I had sex with my husband; it was 2 or 3 days before my predicted ovulation. So don't stress out about your husband's schedule.

    Above all, relax. Instead of viewing your next sexual encounter with your husband as another attempt to get pregnant, go for the big pleasure. Split a bottle of wine with him, relax, and enjoy the way he makes your body feel.

    Oh, my best friend who I mentioned above, finally gave up on having a second child after spending several family members' fortunes on fertility treatments. Distraught, she went out and got drunk with her husband. Taa-daaa! She got pregnant that night.]

    My adoptive mother died in 2001 and I had long ago "lost" my adoptive father through divorce, remarriage, bio kids, etc. Even so, I never, ever considered searching for my birth parents until Mother's Day 2007. I have not made much progress since then, but I have learned so very much about myself, other adoptees, birthmothers and fathers, adoptive parents, et al just through my journey.

    Know that things will work out the right way and that you have my best wishes.

  8. Thank you all so much for your amazing comments!

    Lisa Kay - It helps me a great deal to hear your story. Thank you so much for sharing it! What a beautiful story about how you were chosen, and what great advice from a different perspective!

    I will definitely keep your advice in mind about trying this month. As my husband told me this morning when I was worried about it, it will happen when it is supposed to happen. I can try and plan all I want, but I have little control over it. I should know that by now!

  9. By the way, when I was on my ovulation inducing drugs, I always ovulate much,much earlier:)

    Like day 14, when normally it's day 17~

  10. That is wonderful that blogging to all of us helped you to write the letter. I feel blogging has helped me out a lot already! Us women, need that connection. It is in our nature. Any way, I've stressed over the ovulating thing hubby and I do what we can but some's not happening....peak day or not! Whew! I used to get angry and upset but now we both laugh and hope we feel better the next day or whatever. I've thought about getting a good "buzz" to help relax, etc but more often than not....alcohol makes me sick... which defeats the purpose so we just do what we can. haaa!!!! Making babies should not be "Lets get this over with" but about loving our spouses so much we want to create life and have the time to enjoy the gift we got from God, Each other! I strive for that...but it doesn't always happen that way. God bless.

  11. Sorry I wasn't here for you to offer some advice last night. I was... busy :)
    I'm glad that you were able to finally get your thoughts and emotions down on paper.
    As for O meds making you O at a different time, I have experienced an earlier O on Femara. (With Clomid, I had nothing to compare it to since I was anovulatory beforehand. But I think Tamoxifen is more similar to Femara, anyway.)
    I am sure your letter is amazing, and I can't wait to hear about more progress on this front!

    ...remember, the swimmers can live up to 5 days in good cm, so just bd a lot in the days before hubby leaves!

  12. A post script to my earlier comment -

    Sorry if I offended anyone with my suggestion to imbibe. I confess that I didn't read any of your other blog entries. I happened to read this one after receiving a Google Alert for "birthmother".
    Like you, I do not drink.

    I am a member of a group of thousands of adoptees, birth parents [mainly mothers], and adoptive parents, all helping each other in our attempt to reconnect with our biological relatives for one reason or another. As a result, I have corresponded with several birth mothers who were allowed to choose their infant's eventual parents. All of them relinquished their infants prior to 1990, so times and ways of thinking may have changed since then.

    The birthmother's primary concerns, IMO, are:
    - you will do your best to ensure the child's safety and well-being
    - reassurance that you will provide the child with the advantages and circumstances that she cannot [thus validating her decision to relinquish]
    - you will not raise the child in such a way as to make him/her despise, resent, or otherwise look down on her as an unworthy person.

    I imagine if you are adopting through a religious organization, you have to worry about impressing their employees first, but don't go overboard with your religiosity and don't be condescending.

    Just my two cents' worth. I promise I will stop now.

    Lisa Kay
    Florida Adoptee
    Born Jan 1963 Gainesville, FL
    ISO bMother "Sandra Strickland"

  13. I am so happy for you! What a relief off your shoulders!

    Prayerfuljourney! I love your comment. I can't stop laughing because we have done the same thing. Not be able to when I know it is the best its gonna get f/m wise! :) Funny, glad we are not alone.

    Yay for TCIE!!! :) That comment made me laugh!! Apparently moving the Pope worked! I hope he doesn't spite you for that! :)

  14. AYWH- - go to your nearest health food store IMMEDIATELY and pick up some B6!! It does not need to be Rx'd, and it will start working immediately. All you need is the 500mgs TIMED release (or sustained release). I know they make that dosage in "Source Naturals" (white bottle with blue and white label).
    Take 1 pill 1 x day. Then call me in the morning. Lol :)

  15. I'm so glad you were able to find the words!

  16. Your husband having to be gone for Obama just confirms that he's already ruining things. Haha. Clomid always made me ovulate earlier than unmedicated cycles.

    I am SO happy that the words just started to flow. It's incredible how yours and your husband's were so similar too. That's how I imagine it should be. You guys are going to be amazing parents!