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We're back from the freezing cold north. It was beyond cold the first couple days, but it actually got better near the end. The early part of the week, though, reminded me why we don't live there anymore. How do any of you do it, and how did I do it for 30 years?

Anyways, I've had a bunch of blogable thoughts floating around in my head for a few days, so this is going to be a hodge podge of a post.  Here goes...

First, we got home today around 4 a.m. We had a great visit, although it seemed to fly by and I hardly feel like I got to talk to my family at all. We had a wonderful Christmas Eve, Christmas, and we even celebrated my birthday yesterday. Here's a picture:


I had a breakdown last night as soon as I got in the car to leave. It was probably partly due to always being very sad about leaving my family and knowing we wouldn't both be back until July (I'll be making two trips alone in the spring), but it was mainly about infertility. It's hard holding it in for several days; I'm used to being able to openly be sad when I feel like it. It wasn't that I was around babies or anything - I know it could have been much worse - but it's just that time when my cycle is nearing the end. I always lose it just before it's over. 

My birthday was another reason for my breakdown. I am utterly depressed this year about turning another year older without conceiving. 32. I almost can't believe it. It makes me tear up right now just thinking about it. Leaving my parents' house made me start thinking about the week that is ahead of me - namely, my birthday. Ryan has to work on my birthday this year, which isn't his fault and he feels horrible, but it makes me dread it all the more because I'll be alone for most of the day. Alone and sad. (Aren't I pathetic?)

My mom and sister loved their aprons, and I kind of wished I'd made one for my other sister too, despite the fact that she doesn't really cook. Here's a picture of all of us: 



That's my mom second from the left. She got sick again last night, just as I was leaving. We're hoping it's not C Di.ff again. It sucks because not only does she get sick from it, but she feels defeated when it comes back. She counts the days between bouts, hoping it will be longer each time. For her sanity alone I hope it's not C Di.ff, or "the beast" as she says it's called on the message boards. Please pray for her if you get a chance. 

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On a completely different topic, I went bra shopping today. I had ordered one for Christmas that ended up not fitting me so today I subjected myself to what I consider torture. I swear I get nauseous each time and I usually leave empty handed. Well, this time I refused to let that happen. I was wearing a pre-weight loss bra that would better serve someone forty pounds heavier than me. It's really embarrassing. I cannot even explain to you how huge it is and how terrible this bra fits me. 

So tonight I left with two bras, one of which was on sale from $70 to $30. But now, as I sit here, I can hardly breathe. I know (from learning on Oprah) that a well-fitting bra is supposed to be tight and I know I've been used to wearing super-loose ones, but this can't be good. 

Oh, and I should mention I had someone "fit" me. I was sick of trying tons of bras on and never finding one that felt good, so I decided to just do it. I had a stranger measure my chest and I found out I am a 30 DD, which they don't make, so that means I'm a 32 DD, which they do make (prior to the fitting I was trying on 34 C's, so I guess it was necessary). If it were up to me, I'd have bought a 34, which felt a lot better, but I put my trust in Tiffany, the bra fitter, and bought the little itsy-bitsy 32's. I'm hoping I get used to them.

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In cycle news, I discovered the other night that for the past five or six months, every other cycle has been almost identical. I thought ovulating on every other ovary was a myth, but what other explanation is there for it? Every other month I ovulate on day 18 and on the months in between I ovulate much earlier on the same day (I can't remember what day right now). And for this current cycle and the one before last, I ovulated on day 18 and then had spotting on day 24 (yes, I woke up on Christmas morning to spotting.. although that doesn't really explain it well - it was more of a super light tan discoloration and happened only once). So, if this cycle continues to mimick that one, I will get my period tomorrow. I least I think that's the case. My chart is still packed some where, but it's something like that. So what is the deal with the every other month similarities? Has anyone else ever seen this? I am going to the doctor on Monday so at least I'll be able to see what he thinks about it.

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On Christmas night, Ryan and I went to the movies with my youngest sister and her new boyfriend. We saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which was a pretty good movie, but the reason I bring it up is because it made me think - and cry - about infertility (I know - it's probably not surprising that something reminded me of infertility). I was a mess as I watched it! There are just themes in it that resonated with me, not to mention Benjamin Button's mother, who took him in when someone left him on her doorstep as a newborn, is infertile and even gets blessed at a healing service (although the preacher does say something about it being due to her sins, which we all know isn't true!). The main reason I wanted to say something about it tonight is one line in particular. It is repeated throughout the movie and it really struck me: 

“You can be mad as a mad dog at the way things went, You can swear and curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go.”

I sobbed every time they said it! Doesn't that just sum it all up? That describes my experience perfectly. I spend so much time being mad, so much time cursing God, so much time being angry that my life didn't turn out the way I'd imagined it. But where does that get me? NO WHERE! I just have to let it go.

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Well there is a lot more I could write about, but I need to rest. I'm going to make some hot chocolate (I found some with low sugar that is not actually advertised as low sugar!) and watch some t.v. Have a good night!

Pictures

Well since I've talked so much about my dress debacle, I thought I'd show you what it looks like:

My sister (the bride) loves it, so we are definitely going with it. I made the sash last night, since my sister really wanted a dress with one and this didn't come with it. I was just so excited to find the perfect shade of blue (our flowers will be hydrangeas so this will work great). We're also playing around with how to wear the sash.

Oh, and I would just like to point out that I don't have a strapless bra at the moment, so the addition of one will certainly help the sagging of the top that you see in this picture.

So more happened with the great bridesmaid dress fiasco of 2008. On the third try, the dress was delivered to a wrong address (at least it was the dress, and not another article of clothing!). Finally, that dress arrived, and I'm supposed to be receiving a back-up dress today, courtesy of the company.  Not only did we get the back-up dress for free, but they also refunded the money for the dress I have on in this picture as well. So that basically means if my sister can fit into the other free dress I'll get today, we can take hers back and our bridesmaid dresses will be free! Worth the hassle, I'd say! Now go out and shop at J.Cre.w! I recommend them again!

Since it's picture time, here's a shot of our tree:

The popcorn and cranberries didn't take too long, just the better part of one day basically. And if you're wondering, our dog has sniffed the garland, but hasn't attempted to eat it yet (although we did catch her eating some pine needles last night). And the cats, while curious, have never knocked the tree over, although we typically find a stray ornament on the other side of the room every now and then.

As for me, I am doing great. We'll start really getting ready for Monday's home study home visit tomorrow. I've been keeping the house pretty clean since we scheduled the visit, so it won't be too much work.

And the good news is I still feel very positive toward adoption. I actually am excited about the possibility of having a baby this way, whereas before I kind of avoided thinking or talking about it when others brought it up. I believe it is a grace that my heart is opening more and more to it, and more than ever I believe that God may intend to give us one ore more of our children this way. Who am I to argue with that?  

I'm okay

First of all, I can't thank you enough for your amazing comments on my last post. I sat and read them and cried (in a good way). As you probably well know, when you're going through something like this, you want to be comforted, but there are only certain things someone can say. It's touchy, to say the least (as I'm sure all of our husbands can attest to!). Well, your comments were just what I wanted to hear. What a blessing that I can log onto a computer and get that kind of support. God definitely used all of you to remind me my life is full of blessings.

I feel much better. I started feeling better before I wrote that post, and yesterday we decorated for Christmas so that lifted my spirits even more. Speaking of that, I always feel torn about whether to decorate or to observe Advent. This year I came to the conclusion that I am in dire need of the joy that Christmas decorations can inject into my life. I am so depleted of joy, that whatever extra the tree and lights can give me will just bring me back to a base level! And it's not like the decorations will make me so happy that I simply won't be able to observe Advent. On the contrary. Waiting and hoping is my full-time job.

We are also lighting the Advent wreath each night and reading the daily Mass readings as well as a reflection on them.

That being said, I am about to start yet another craft project - I'm stringing up some popcorn and cranberries to make garland for the tree. I've never done my own before, but my mom does it every year and I want to carry on the tradition. I'll post some pictures when I'm finished.

I also wanted to let you all know something nice that happened on Monday. When I was going through the worst of it that day, the idea of adoption made me even more angry. I hate to admit it, but in my low moments I resent that we have to adopt. I fear that it won't fill the void in my heart, that it won't be enough. What I hate most of all, though, is that I feel this way. It just seems so unfair, and just seems like those of us who can't have children should automatically have hearts for adoption (but nothing is that easy, now is it?).

Later that evening, I guess he answered my prayer, because my heart changed. That's the only way I can explain it, like I now completely understand where the term "change of heart" came from! It clearly wasn't anything I did because I was in a foul mood and wasn't about to talk myself out of it. I sure wasn't about to convince myself that adoption is what we're called to do.

I know it was from God. And that's not to say that I won't have any doubts ever again. I'm sure between now and when we adopt a child that I will look at parents with their biological children and feel jealousy. Heck, that will probably happen later today! But I can't stress enough what a blessing it was that in the midst of that bad mood, my heart could suddenly be much more open to it.

So thank you to all of you who have adopted who have left comments and/or sent me emails. Your words help me immensely. And I hope that when I am brutally honest about my feelings and doubts about adoption, that it is not offensive to you. I'm just a girl trying to navigate the heartaches of infertility. Hopefully I'm not too weird and you may have even had some of the same feelings as I do, when you were in my shoes.

I also have some more hope, thanks to some info from Lifehopes (and her favorite doctor). I have started praying about adding Clomid or a similar drug into my treatment. My doctor already said he would do this after six to nine months, but sooner if I felt called to. What I didn't realize until last night is that it's not just some random last-ditch effort he was going to try, but actually a treatment plan with much better results than using Metformin alone. So, I'm going to pray about it this month, then ask him about it at my appointment on Dec. 29. In addition to that, I also now understand that my one day of spotting isn't a cause for concern, but rather part of a crescendo (is that right?) bleeding pattern - it starts light, increases to heavy, then returns to light. I remember reading that in my NaPro book, but had definitely forgotten about it. I can't tell you how much better that makes me feel.

Oh, and by the way, the dress saga continues. I received my second "dress" package today and it was actually a pair of women's pants. I handled it much better this time, but did send off a somewhat harsh email that I am now feeling guilty about. I asked for compensation for our troubles, but now I just feel greedy! I'm supposed to have a phone conversation with someone who handles the bridal department tomorrow, and I've decided I'm just going to cave and say all I want is assurance that the dress WILL arrive at some point. But at the same time I'm torn because my mom and I have both been inconvenienced. I just don't think that Jesus would argue with a company over their mistakes, or want something in return. So maybe I will surprise this woman, who probably usually deals with jerks. I'll let you know how it goes!