I'm okay

First of all, I can't thank you enough for your amazing comments on my last post. I sat and read them and cried (in a good way). As you probably well know, when you're going through something like this, you want to be comforted, but there are only certain things someone can say. It's touchy, to say the least (as I'm sure all of our husbands can attest to!). Well, your comments were just what I wanted to hear. What a blessing that I can log onto a computer and get that kind of support. God definitely used all of you to remind me my life is full of blessings.

I feel much better. I started feeling better before I wrote that post, and yesterday we decorated for Christmas so that lifted my spirits even more. Speaking of that, I always feel torn about whether to decorate or to observe Advent. This year I came to the conclusion that I am in dire need of the joy that Christmas decorations can inject into my life. I am so depleted of joy, that whatever extra the tree and lights can give me will just bring me back to a base level! And it's not like the decorations will make me so happy that I simply won't be able to observe Advent. On the contrary. Waiting and hoping is my full-time job.

We are also lighting the Advent wreath each night and reading the daily Mass readings as well as a reflection on them.

That being said, I am about to start yet another craft project - I'm stringing up some popcorn and cranberries to make garland for the tree. I've never done my own before, but my mom does it every year and I want to carry on the tradition. I'll post some pictures when I'm finished.

I also wanted to let you all know something nice that happened on Monday. When I was going through the worst of it that day, the idea of adoption made me even more angry. I hate to admit it, but in my low moments I resent that we have to adopt. I fear that it won't fill the void in my heart, that it won't be enough. What I hate most of all, though, is that I feel this way. It just seems so unfair, and just seems like those of us who can't have children should automatically have hearts for adoption (but nothing is that easy, now is it?).

Later that evening, I guess he answered my prayer, because my heart changed. That's the only way I can explain it, like I now completely understand where the term "change of heart" came from! It clearly wasn't anything I did because I was in a foul mood and wasn't about to talk myself out of it. I sure wasn't about to convince myself that adoption is what we're called to do.

I know it was from God. And that's not to say that I won't have any doubts ever again. I'm sure between now and when we adopt a child that I will look at parents with their biological children and feel jealousy. Heck, that will probably happen later today! But I can't stress enough what a blessing it was that in the midst of that bad mood, my heart could suddenly be much more open to it.

So thank you to all of you who have adopted who have left comments and/or sent me emails. Your words help me immensely. And I hope that when I am brutally honest about my feelings and doubts about adoption, that it is not offensive to you. I'm just a girl trying to navigate the heartaches of infertility. Hopefully I'm not too weird and you may have even had some of the same feelings as I do, when you were in my shoes.

I also have some more hope, thanks to some info from Lifehopes (and her favorite doctor). I have started praying about adding Clomid or a similar drug into my treatment. My doctor already said he would do this after six to nine months, but sooner if I felt called to. What I didn't realize until last night is that it's not just some random last-ditch effort he was going to try, but actually a treatment plan with much better results than using Metformin alone. So, I'm going to pray about it this month, then ask him about it at my appointment on Dec. 29. In addition to that, I also now understand that my one day of spotting isn't a cause for concern, but rather part of a crescendo (is that right?) bleeding pattern - it starts light, increases to heavy, then returns to light. I remember reading that in my NaPro book, but had definitely forgotten about it. I can't tell you how much better that makes me feel.

Oh, and by the way, the dress saga continues. I received my second "dress" package today and it was actually a pair of women's pants. I handled it much better this time, but did send off a somewhat harsh email that I am now feeling guilty about. I asked for compensation for our troubles, but now I just feel greedy! I'm supposed to have a phone conversation with someone who handles the bridal department tomorrow, and I've decided I'm just going to cave and say all I want is assurance that the dress WILL arrive at some point. But at the same time I'm torn because my mom and I have both been inconvenienced. I just don't think that Jesus would argue with a company over their mistakes, or want something in return. So maybe I will surprise this woman, who probably usually deals with jerks. I'll let you know how it goes!

Frustrated

This is the part of the month where I get angry.

The cycle isn't over yet, and I'm having few symptoms that it is coming to an end, but I just know in my heart it is.

So, the anger started yesterday. I attempted with all my might to fight off anger at God as I got ready for Mass. I cried in church. I went numb around pregnant women. Later in the day, I grew disgusted as I heard stories of horrible parents someone told me and came to the conclusion that as much as children are God's creation, our free will is to blame for screwing up. I know that might sound obvious, but it's easy to believe God saw those bad parents as more suitable parents than me, as horrible as they are. That just can't possibly be the case.

Still, I feel like my life is out of control, that I can't understand why God would allow this to happen to me.

Speaking of things God is allowing to happen to me, I have had spotting yesterday and today. BIG step backwards. I'm devastated. So not only do I of course not have a chance at a pregnancy, but I can't even simply get an improved cycle. It feels like a huge slap in the face. I lower my standards and my hopes, and they even get squashed.

Of course I want to know if something is wrong so it can be treated, but I just hoped that nothing more was wrong! I just desperately hoped the spotting would go away as my cycles improved, which it had the last two months. I feel like I've been kicked when I was down.

So I'm still trying not to be angry with God. Not because I don't blame him or because I have come to terms with him not answering my prayer. No, I am trying to not be angry because I understand that we shouldn't be. I know it's not right and isn't productive. That's all I can give for now. Hopefully I'll believe the not blaming him part later.

Yesterday I filled my time with projects to get my mind off of things. First, I made some topiaries because I've always wanted to and last night was as good a time as any:


I was happy with them, and kind of surprised that not only did I quickly found all the pieces at Michael's (despite the millions of Christmas decoration shoppers I had to push through), but that they only took about ten minutes to make.

Then I made this:


It cost only $10 to make, although I broke a $2.99 hot glue gun in the process. I love having an Advent wreath and we'll be able to use this one year after year.

So at least I felt productive yesterday in some way. I may not be able to produce a child, but I can produce all the arts and crafts projects I want! That's a fair trade-off, right?