What I learned today

I'm really thankful for how peaceful I feel today. It's been such a physically and emotionally draining week that it's hard to believe it's only Wednesday.

At the start of the week, my husband and I knew we had three things that would take place in the coming days that would either bring very good or bad news. One involved my cycle, one involved the election, and one involved my husband's career. We discussed the likelihood of any of the three going in our favor and we excitedly discussed the possibilities, but knew in the end that the odds were none would. I knew it'd be a tough week. Add to that my stomach issues, and I was looking ahead to the weekend.

Well, we're officially oh-for-three (the career one wasn't bad, it just wasn't great). Despite that, though, I really feel God's presence today.

Last night, right after the election was called, it was as if a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I don't know why, or if it was just a coincidence (my advil was setting in and relieving a bad headache around that same time, so I'm guessing it was that), but I've felt better ever since. My stomach is even better today.

I'm so thankful for this, because I thought I'd feel worse in the aftermath of an Obama win, but I think you quickly realize life goes on. I'm still here, I'm still breathing, the world did not end.

It actually got me thinking (and here is where I compare yet another random thing to infertility) - is this how it would feel to find out beyond a shadow of a doubt I'd never conceive? Would this horrible news I've spent four years dreading actually leave me feeling a bit relieved? Would I realize I'm still alive, I'm still breathing, the world did not end?

I'm not sure, but I've heard others describe something like that. We'd move on. We'd adopt, hopefully many children. No worries about whether I'd get pregnant during the adoption process. No worries about whether adoption was right for us.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy where God has me. I'm thrilled! I am thankful that there is hope - a great deal of hope, in fact. But the fear of that dreaded news is still out there or, worse yet, that a formal announcement will never come and the years will just tick by until I reach menopause and realize our hope has ended.

I believe that God doesn't want us to fear this or anything (be not afraid!) and so perhaps the seed has been planted for me to work through this anxiety. The stress over not knowing often permeates my life and drives me nuts at times. If I can be confident that I'll be okay if that news were to come, then I think I'll feel better in the here and now as well. If I know I will live, and possibly even have a sense of peace, then I can hopefully have peace with it now.

It's something to work on, at least.

So for now I'll get my new cycle "reward" of chicken tenders, I'll enjoy my husband's next two days off, and we'll look ahead to this next cycle - our only second cycle of even having a chance. And I'll try not to worry about bad news that my come in the future, because I know I'll live even if it does occur. And to think this entire thought process began due to Obama's win. See, some good has already come out of the bad!