Changes

Well I've written a lot about my recovery lately, but haven't posted anything about my attitude right now.

Things began to change a couple weeks ago, when I first heard that I needed surgery. I was scared, and my entire outlook began to change. Infertility suddenly seemed dwarfed by the potential problems I now faced. Sure, most of it was irrational anxiety, but it made me realize that I need to live my life right now instead of waiting for something to happen. After all, I could be waiting a really long time. It's already been five years. I don't want to waste five more.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want off of this infertility roller coaster. No more drugs (well, there are multiple drugs I'll still take, just not ones to ovulate), no more charting (at least in the near future), and no more stressing out over what other treatments are left for me to try.

I want many, many months without a doctor's visit.

I want to live my life, I want to try really hard to be joyful, and I want to become much more prayerful.

I want to focus on what I have in my life right in front of me, rather than what is missing.

I gave this all over to God a long time ago. I truly know it is in God's hands whether I ever conceive, and whether we are ever picked to adopt. But while I gave it over to God a while ago, I still spent a ton of energy trying to figure out if I was doing my part, if I was helping God out enough, seeking the right doctors, treatments, etc. I think that's all going to come to an end.

Right now I really feel called to step back. Move on. Let go of the tight grip I've had on infertility for so long now. Focus on the Lord. And if it happens, it happens.

That being said, I won't dwell on that slim chance. Let's be honest here. It's been five years, three surgeries, probably about the equivalent of a year on ovulation drugs. We've treated endo, PCOS, high prolactin, and now we're tackling adrenal fatigue. The problems are many and the conception count stands at zero.

I think I am finally coming to the realization that we are beating a dead horse. At some point you need to put it out of its misery. I think I will feel much better when I move on. In fact, I already do. It's like a weight has been lifted.

And don't think that I'm going to stop praying for a baby. Actually, I feel like I am moving into a whole new phase of infertility - a prayer phase. I just really feel called to focus completely on prayer, but not just to plead for a child, but to grow as a child of God in this difficult time. I believe God allows trials in our lives so that we can respond in a prayerful way, so that we can do penance here on earth. If I am moaning and groaning the whole time (as I tend to do), then it can't possibly be penance. I need to respond in a way that pleases God. I need to accept this cross completely in the way that I feel called to respond.

That is not to say that I think seeking out medical help is in any way wrong or that someone who does is not suffering correctly. Of course not! I've just found myself in this place where I feel called to move back a little from treatments. And it's not like I haven't tried! After half a decade, we've traveled far and wide and have nearly exhausted my options (I say 'nearly' because there are still treatments left that I'll probably try when the mood hits me. Injectibles, for one!).

I hope you'll bear with me as I figure out what I'm doing next. As we all know, this attitude could change tomorrow (my doctor even told me not to make any rash decisions while recovering from surgery!), but I really don't think it will. While it may seem like this is a sudden change, I'm looking back and realizing it's actually been slowly building for quite some time.

First, in May, I posted this about feeling as though a pregnancy wasn't in my future. I sound a little annoyed about it, hence the title.

Then there's this from just a couple weeks later, where I already sound a little more accepting of the idea.

Then God helped prepare my heart more here and here. And then he hit me with this right when I needed it. Little did I know what was ahead of me! The Lord knew I needed strengthening.

I forgot I even posted all of those things until now, but looking at them altogether (which I don't expect you all to do!), it really tells a story. They are weeks and months apart, but together they are like a continuous thought, each one sounding like God had worked on my heart a little more.

I am more convinced than ever that this is God's plan for me. And I don't mean that I know his plan is for me to never conceive. I don't pretend to know what is ahead in that department. I just mean that his plan is for me to make this change. To stop obsessing about infertility. To stop with the jealousy and pride. To focus on the Lord.

I'm not even sure that God's plan is for me to stop treatments altogether. That is just the way I feel right now. I want to stop treatment. I'm tired and I think stopping is the best way for me to be able to move on and stop despairing. Personally, I just don't think I can do both otherwise.

So anyways, that's what my attitude has been since the week or so before surgery. But, like I pointed out, it's really been building for a while. Really, I am so, so, so blessed and I need to remember that each and every day. I am thankful that Ryan is on board with all of this (I didn't even have to ask him to know that, and when I did, all he said was he just wanted me to be happy more than anything in the whole world).

With our five year anniversary just a week away - which, as we all know, means the anniversary of the beginning of my greatest heartache as well - I'm blessed that I can even say that I'm actually looking forward to what God has in store for us. I know there's still likely a very long wait ahead until we can grow our family, and it definitely won't be easy, but I just pray that God will strengthen me to endure it. And I hope that I'm strong enough to spend that time serving him as well.