An unimaginable week

So I have to have another surgery. Next week.

Yes, it has all happened very fast, and was completely traumatizing.

I was having some bad pain last week, right around ovulation time. When it didn't go away, and when I started getting nauseous from it, I called my doctor's office and asked for an ultrasound. That was on Monday.

I had the ultrasound Monday night and immediately started getting freaked out by the way the technician was acting. I tried to tell myself it was all in my head, but it was just different and I've had a lot of ultrasounds. Not to mention it was already one of the hardest days of my life.

Well, my suspicions were confirmed on Tuesday morning when Dr. B called to say I had a large cyst on my right ovary. He sounded very serious and I immediately started shaking and thought I might pass out. I woke up Ryan and put Dr. B on speaker phone. He said the cyst was 8x6x6 cm, when a normal ovary is more like 3-4 cm. And at my ultrasound in mid-June, the right ovary measured 4x3x4. So it doubled in size in less than two months.

He said part of it was fluid and part of it may be solid. Solid? My mind immediately went to cancer. I asked him if it could be and he said they didn't know. He didn't know.

Actually, this is when I really started shaking. I remember my arms felt like they were going to fall off. I could hardly speak and I was pacing.

So began another of the hardest days of my life.

I asked him if it could also be an endometrioma based on what it looked like on ultrasound and he said yes. He said what appears to be solid may actually be blood. That made me feel better.

After a few more phone calls, I had a surgery scheduled for August 20 and a pre-op appointment for this morning. I spent the day going back and forth between fear and calm. Well, I was never really calm, but I'd start to feel a little better after talking to several people who tried to convince me there was no way it was cancer.

But I was paranoid - I thought they were all saying that for my benefit. I called my husband immediately after he left for work just to see if he started crying when he got in the car. I made my mom swear to me that she wasn't going to get nervous after she hung up the phone. They all assured me that it was in my head.

I told myself that the odds are in my favor: I have endometriosis, have had huge bilateral endometriomas removed, have poly cystic ovaries, formed hemoraghic cysts four years ago when I moved to a higher dose of Clomid, and was on an increased dose of Tamoxifen this cycle. Not to mention I started hydrocortisone at the beginning of this cycle, which I believe some doctors don't let you combine with an ovulation medication. All signs pointed towards it being a benign cyst of some kind. If it was cancer, it would be a HUGE coincidence.

I went to bed feeling a little better, but woke up scared out of my mind. Today was hard. We drove to the doctors with me acting like a basket case. Praying was hard because I was scared that God would say no to my requests, something I am obviously familiar with. I know in my heart that he has our best interest in mind, but that doesn't mean his path for us won't be painful on a human level. But my mother basically ordered me to say a rosary, which I did.

I prayed my heart out, literally begging God for good news. I thought my brain and/or heart would simply explode if I was given more bad news at this appointment. I even said I would never beg for a baby again if things could be okay, and I meant it.

At the appointment, we waited for a while - me with a lovely paper shirt on and another paper draped across my lap. Not to be gross, but I sweated so much due to anxiety that the paper was literally stuck to me by the time I had to get dressed! I cried some more while Ryan comforted me. I just kept repeating the lyrics to "Be Not Afraid" and it really helped.

Finally, the doctor came in and the first thing she said was the Tamoxifen probably caused this. Praise Jesus!! That was just what I wanted to hear. It's funny how something that would have been upsetting just a few days earlier (since she had me take the increased dose of Tamoxifen when I wanted surgery) was music to my ears. It meant that she thought it was a regular cyst, caused by over stimulation.

She went on to say that she believes it's an endometrioma. She said it may just be a very big corpus luteum, but that it's more likely an endometrioma (Yay! The "other" thing it might be is even less of a big deal!). She also said one option was to just hold off on surgery and see if it shrinks on its own (Yay again! I don't want to do this option but the mere fact that it is an option means she doesn't think it's an emergency!).

We decided on a laparotomy because that's how she removes endometriomas. She is going to check with the radiologist to see if he thinks there's a chance it's just a corpus leteum, in which case she'd start with a laparoscopy and then switch to a laparotomy if it does end up being an endometrioma.

She's also going to get rid of any other endometriosis and/or adhesions that may be there.

Although we didn't discuss this, the laparotomy is going to likely mean another long recovery. That is fine. I am blessed to not have anything to do.

The laparotomy also means that she can fix my humongous scar!! She actually said she could!

On a more serious note, she did warn me I might lose my right ovary. She explained that my ovaries are already less than 100-percent because I've had endometriomas removed before. What was left of them at that time was reconstructed. This time, since the cyst is very large again, there may not be anything left after it's removed. Of course she's going to try to save it, but losing it is a distinct possibility.

But guess what? I don't care!

I'm not kidding. Thinking there's even a slight possibility that you could have cancer changes you. I don't mean to sound overly dramatic here, but it was the scariest thing that's ever happened to me and it made me realize I don't care if I ever have children. I'm serious. A life with my husband is all that I need. I will find joy, through serving God. Of course, we will always adopt, and I pledged yesterday to focus on that with renewed vigor. It just really forced me to put things in perspective. There are worse things than infertility, at least for me.

I don't know if this is theologically sound, but perhaps God wanted me to experience that fear so that I'd be able to handle losing an ovary. Last week, the mere thought of that would have sent shivers down my spine. And, as I've said to a few people today, maybe God is stripping me of what fertility I have left because he is setting up for me to have a full-fledge miracle. Getting pregnant right now would only be mildly impressive, but getting pregnant on one ovary will be a great story! Not that it will even be an actual miracle because, medically speaking, I will still have a shot. Knowing you don't qualify for a miracle is actually reassuring!

So I feel tremendously better tonight. My parents are coming for my surgery and my mom will stay the next week with me at my home. I'm nervous about the surgery, but that fear is manageable. I would love to ask for your prayers though, for a successful surgery and that the cyst does end up being nothing serious.

I still am in a very fragile emotional state though, so if you have any horror stories about cysts, please do not share them! Only good thoughts for me right now, since this has been the hardest week EVER. I can't even describe the pain and heartache I've experienced this week. I am completely drained.

I know God will deliver us though. It will get better. It already did today.