Thursday, May 14, 2009

Be careful what you pray for

Well I'm getting ready for a long trip. I leave tomorrow morning for my parents' house, where I'll be for the next ten days. Ryan's staying here, since he has to work. While I'm there I will attend my grandmother's burial, a confirmation where I am someone's sponsor, and my sister's bridal shower. I'm sure I'll post while I'm there, though, so you won't even notice I'm gone!

I can't say I've been doing well lately. I have my moments, but overall I'm having a hard time. For some reason I feel like God is placing it on my heart that I'm not ever going to conceive, and so I feel like I am dealing with that right now. I prayed to him recently and asked for some knowledge, if that was at all possible, and since then I've just felt, overwhelmingly, that adoption is our path. Not adoption and then we'll conceive, but that I'll never be pregnant.

It's kind of an issue of 'be careful what you pray for'. I guess until now I knew my chances of a pregnancy were pretty slim, but now I'm pretty certain there's zero possibility. I know it might sound crazy, because nothing else has changed, but I just really feel this way. And I guess I liked not knowing better.

I know I could be wrong, but I really don't think so. I mean, even from a factual standpoint it makes sense. We've been trying for nearly five years with no miscarriages. I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure that means our chances of ever conceiving are pretty minimal.

I know God is ultimately in charge, but that is my point exactly. He is in charge and I think he's telling us that adoption is what we're called to do. And I'm fine with adoption, I really am. Any hesitations I had with it are nearly gone and I'm excited about the possibility. I feel confident, thanks to the testimonies of many of you who've been there, that I will feel immediately like the baby is mine.

But all that being said, I look at conceiving as a separate issue. Sure, they are intertwined, but I also am able to separate them in my mind because they are not mutually exclusive. And separate from the excitement I feel about our path to adoption, I mourn the likelihood that I'll never conceive. Which is surprising in itself, because in order to mourn it anew, I have to admit that I thought there was still a chance. Yes, even after all I've been through, and despite the fact that my mind has programmed itself to not be able to imagine myself pregnant whatsoever, I guess I still hold onto a glimmer of hope that I will, one day, function like a normal human being. That I will no longer be on the short end of the odds and that I will carry a child just like the vast majority of women have throughout time.

I realized this because, the other day, when I started to contemplate myself as the completely infertile woman - rather than the temporarily infertile woman, like most of you are - I just couldn't do it. That seemed like another person, but not me. I know we get used to new concepts over time as they sink in. But without a conclusive diagnosis, it might never truly sink in until I hit menopause, when it will REALLY be final (oh, goodness! Not looking forward to that. We'll all have to pick up our blogs again in twenty years for support).

I also can't help but think that if God did, in fact, want to impart this information on me, then he definitely doesn't want me to worry and stress about it. And, I should also make clear, that I didn't hear him actually tell me that I'll never get pregnant. I just have been inundated with signs about adoption, including some very strong (and rather specific) feelings my husband has gotten lately (which is actually why I'm so certain about this. If it had come from me, I'd probably question it more).

So I guess it is my human nature that is causing me to take what should have been a positive (God placing adoption strongly on our hearts, as well as some more specific callings associated with it) and make it a negative (never having biological children).

Thanks for letting me work this out! It's amazing how writing something down can help you work through it.

The funny thing, though, is that no matter what emotions I work through here, I rarely put them into practice. My husband will read a post and think "Oh, great! She has a good attitude now!" only to listen to me cry a few hours later. Realizing something and living it are two different things. And, I'm sorry, but the waiting and the uncertainty (not to mention the jealousy) are still just too excruciating. I have yet to figure out a way to make those things easier.

Speaking of waiting, I will leave you all with a video my mother-in-law sent me. It's really beautiful. Now if I could only put this into practice...



11 comments:

  1. I've been reading/following your blog for a couple months. While I have just discovered my issues... I appreciate you sharing your story and journey. Right before I read your blog, I was reading this one today. http://mysmalltreasures.blogspot.com/

    I dont know if it will be me one day... but every time I visit her site and read about her girls, it always makes me smile. Hope it lifts your heart. Have a great trip!

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  2. I know how you feel, I think I was getting all excited about seeing this new doctor that he had something no one else was able to give me.

    I went in all excited, but left drained. But, I was glad he told me the things he did, all of these other doctors gave me hope and lots of false hope. He didn't. He told me I was wasting my money, time, heart. I wish I had heard that a LONG LONG time ago! He reluctantly agreed to do 3 more IUI's and that is it.

    I left beyond sad, but before the end of the day God opened my eyes and heart to something He had been trying to tell me all along.

    Rebecca called me, that afternoon with news that she wanted us to adopt her baby that is due in October. I have had nothing but peace since then. The mother's day sermon was about loving your mother and that God knew who our mothers were gonna be before we were conceived. And that just because our mother might not have given birth to us, He knew they were going to be our mother.

    God always has a plan, it is up to us to listen to it. I am the worlds worst at believing that what I want is not necessarily His plan.

    Keeping you in my prayers. (HUGS)

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  3. You are right that realizing something and living it are two different things, but your posts and realizations are no small thing on the path to peace. It's hope that's such a hard thing. I sometimes think I need to adjust what I am hoping for, and built such hope only on the things I know that God will never take from me. I'm not there yet. But I do have moments in which I grasp for a hope in becoming a more joyful and peaceful person that reflects God's glory--rather than grasping for hope of my life circumstances changing.

    I admire your courage on this journey.

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  4. K, you journey is something that will go into so many emotions, feelings and thoughts. Yes adoption is a beautiful path, will that totally erase not being able to carry a baby in your own body? probably not, everyone is different. But you'll be a mother, one way or another.

    I was talking to my Dh before we got Gavin and I asked him, If we had gotten pregnant at any point, would we be open to adoption him? the answer was probably not, maybe there is a child out there, not yet born that God wants YOU to have. And infertility is the path He is using to take you to that child.

    God Bless.

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  5. That makes perfect sense to me. I'm about as anti-hope as anyone around here, and I'm on the lookout for new ways to stamp it out. There's never a month I even LOOK for a bfp. But when I try picturing myself as permanently barren (even though that's where I try to tell myself I am), I realize that I've only scratched the surface of the rage and grief. And I thought I had run the gamut. I tell you what - if you're accepting enough to phrase it as you have, you are a far stronger woman than I. If you're right about where you're headed, a lot of us are going to be leaning on your strong example in not too long. You're in my prayers.

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  6. I just want to give you a hug. {{{{{{}}}}}}

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  7. so I'm praying for you.
    I Love this song... very much. It has comforted me many a time.

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  8. I totally get it.
    I have felt all along that my hopes are false ones. That other people's prayers, that is just something they feel they should do b/c they love me ... not necessarily something that will help me to conceive.

    I think it is just too much sometimes. Infertility really reduces us to our true selves. Sometimes it aint pretty!

    You are always so much stronger than I am, and a wonderful example to me. Alhough, I guess I still really think you will conceive.

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  9. It's a hard reality to face, isn't it? I was in your place just last summer... and am still in the grieving process... and yes, it IS a process....

    Praying for you, sweet friend... that the Lord will grant you peace as you seek His will and follow paths He has laid before you... (((hugs)))

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  10. Can't believe I missed this awesome post yesterday... probably because yesterday was insane, but whatever.

    I do know what you're saying. I can only imagine how amplified I'd feel it after 5 yrs rather than 3, but all I know is that after 3 yrs, I've LITERALLY done everything I can do to get pg and it still hasn't happened. I am pretty certain I am not just "temporarily" infertile, either.

    I'd feel so much better about that fact if the adoption thing were easier, though. I am more worried that we will not be approved to adopt than I am that I may never get pg!! Honest to God. It scares me to the point of hyperventilation... which is why I don't let myself think about it too much!

    Sigh. Anyway, I just wanted you to know you're not alone, and I am praying for you, my friend! May God bless us both with motherhood, some way, somehow.

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  11. Reading this post, I found myself nodding in agreement the whole time. It's really a beautifully written post. I think God may very well but speaking to you now through your increased desire for adoption, but I wouldn't give up hope on biological children altogether.

    What is it that God says? "Don't worry about tomorrow...tomorrow will take care of itself" God gives us the grace and inspirations in doses appropriate just for today. I'd cling to that and try not to get ahead of yourself. God can and often does do remarkable things, especially for those faithful to Him.

    I know it's not easy. Many prayers for you!

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