Staying calm and adoption update

I think the cloud is beginning to lift.

Last night in adoration, as soon as I sat down I opened to a page of a little prayer book they had at the chapel. This is what it said:

"The Lord Himself will fight for you. Just stay calm." (Ex. 14:14)

It was one of the most peaceful hours in front of the Blessed Sacrament I've ever had. I was completely at ease, both physically (my headache went away and I never noticed feeling nauseous) and emotionally (it was as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders and my head was clear). Usually I'm guilty of watching the clock, but last night's hour flew by. I didn't want to leave because I feared that as soon as I did, I'd go back to feeling out of sorts. And I did. I went back to the real world.

While I was there I just focused on the words "just stay calm." That is going to be my new mantra. This is what I am going to try to focus on when infertility gets to be too much. When my mind races, when I think the worst, when I let the sight of pregnant women send shock waves through me. JUST STAY CALM.

For some reason the word "just" makes me feel even more peaceful, like it's letting me off the hook from worrying about anything else. The verse doesn't say "stay calm and do this and this and this..." It says JUST stay calm. Give yourself a break. Don't think about anything, except for staying calm. That was especially helpful last night at adoration, where I am inclined to cram in all different forms of prayer. But I didn't. I just sat still.

I also thought about how God is fighting for me always, but if I'm not calm, I get in the way of that. On the same page as that verse was a prayer that said fear robs us of our faith. That's so true! Sure, I say I have faith. I believe in God so I have Faith with a capital F. But when I freak out every month I'm not pregnant, am I really exhibiting faith? Faith that God is fighting for me?

NO!

My fear robs me of my faith. I may have faith in the sense that there IS a God, but I don't always have complete faith IN God. I know in my head that his plan is best, but I fall short in my heart. I doubt that he has my best interest in mind every time I wonder why he hasn't blessed me with a pregnancy. If I had undying faith, with each new cycle I would say "God, I know you are in complete control. You will grow my family when the time is right, or you may have other plans in mind completely. I will wait patiently to find out what is next and, in the meantime, please use me however you see fit."

I think what one of my big struggles has been lately is that nothing has seemed to go right. I wanted something from God. Something. But our time is so different from his. When a couple months pass and we grow impatient, he is probably thinking, "Just hang on! There is something good right around the corner!" But we can't see it, so we freak out. And I'm not talking a pregnancy here, I just mean those small things that help to get us through life, that help bridge that gap between disappointments. I need those to hold onto.

Today, I got one of those. We had been concerned because no couples had been moved off of our adoption agency's waiting list in over a month, so I contacted our social worker to see if they were seeing less adoptions than normal. My friend L had last spoken to her social worker a month ago and kind of got the vibe that things had slowed down (yes, we take turns checking in with our agency. It's great!). Plus, I'd read some national stories that said adoptions are down across the country. Well, to my surprise, our social worker said they haven't noticed less adoptions than normal and they are currently working with a number of pregnant women. Some are still being counseled, while others have decided to pursue adoption and will soon be choosing families. Our social worker said our profile will be shown (I didn't realize it would be so soon; I thought they showed just the first few on the list) and she also said we should be very confident in our profile because we wrote a very good letter and have a good picture. Just what I needed to hear!

I don't need to be picked tomorrow, or even this summer. I just like knowing that things are moving along because when things are moving, we are getting closer to our adoption. So thanks be to God that I was given this information today! Just a little good news to help me through a rough patch. And when you're dealing with infertility, a little good news goes a very long way.