A new phase

Well my peak +7 progesterone was very low for me: 17. When it had been as high as 44, and usually hovers in the 30's, 17 is low. It's actually lower than my peak +11 results had been the past several months.

I have no idea why it was so low this month, but the nurse on the phone said the doctor in the practice who signed off on it said it was great. But I'm sure when my doctor sees it he will notice it is abnormally low for me. 

As for what cycle day I'm on, according to the Creighton Model, I'm on day four. I had two days of spotting before starting my period. That also means that - according to my doctor's instructions to wait until I have two full days of a period before taking Tamoxifen - I will start my Tamoxifen on day five (it's normally taken on day three). I'm not going to worry about the details of it, though, because I'm sure my doctor doesn't care where I put my spotting days on my chart. And I also know how I chart isn't going to get me pregnant. As Hilgers himself said when I was in Omaha, the stickers are just for us. He could read it if it were all jumbled on one line with no little baby pictures.

In other (albeit related) news, I think I'm entering a new phase.

After nearly five years, I am more and more sure every day that I will never conceive. It's like for a while, we were climbing uphill, getting closer and closer to a pregnancy (or so I thought). And then, without even realizing it, we had reached the top. But on this mountaintop, nothing awaited us. There was no prize for all the hardwork and time spent. Now I'm descending on the other side, although that's not to imply that this side is easier because it's downhill. Oh no, I think it's harder than I could have ever imagined. And the closer I get to the bottom, the slower I want to walk.

As much as I am depressed about this, I haven't even begun to mourn the finality of it. When I let my mind wander there, it is too overwhelming. When the time comes to truly deal with it, I'm sure it will be a process. A long, painful one.

Does this mean I'm giving up tomorrow? Ending all the charting and medications? Well, some of my medications are forever, like the metformin. No, I'm not giving up tomorrow. I said I'm entering a new phase. I'm going to wait until my June 16 doctor's appointment and see what he says. If he is optimistic and wants to try another treatment, I'm not going to turn it down. I'd still like to try some kind of injectable.

I know I might sound all over the place about this - feeling strongly that I'll never conceive yet open to injectables - but it's complicated. It's like I know in my heart that it's over, but, at the same time, giving up medically is a big decision that you don't want to look back on and regret, afraid you made it too soon. Perhaps any additional treatments I do will be to rule out their success. Actually, that's how I've felt for a while now.

Now, I know, ultimately, that God is in charge. I know that all things are possible with him (which sometimes makes his lack of a miracle for me hurt more). I know that just like charting wrong won't affect my health, deciding to "give up" won't affect God's plan for me. I could declare to the world I'm giving up, and God might hear that and chuckle because he has other plans in store. I truly believe we don't need to make these grand decisions, it is not our decision to make.

But, that being said, I just feel like this is the direction I'm being sent, and I'd like to think it is coming from Him. So I'm not going to do anything drastic, I'm just going to go with the flow. And, more importantly, I'm going to start mentally dealing with never having biological children. I feel called to prepare my heart for this. Of course, this is something I've been grappling with for many years now, but not in a real, raw sense.

And while I know I must leave it all up to God, I don't think I can handle allowing myself to think that maybe, many years from now, I will have a surprise pregnancy. I know technically it's possible that I may be one of those lucky few, but I may not be. I can't hold onto that hope. I'll hold too tightly and it won't be healthy for me. I can't live my life chasing something that might happen in the future. Hope is one thing, but, for me, learning to live for today is more important.

So you probably won't notice too many changes in my blog in the near future. I'm sure I'll go back and forth from wrestling with the finality of never having kids that look like me one day, to complaining about spotting the next. That's nothing new. I just don't know where this new phase will take me and, frankly, I'm scared to find out. I can write about moving on, but doing it is still a painful concept to wrap my mind around. I just pray that God has mercy on me while I travel this new road.