Graces, hope and the Holy Spirit

My husband has felt very called for some time now to pray for something in particular. Not for a pregnancy, or even that we are picked by a birthmother soon. Rather, he has felt led to pray that God shapes us in this time of waiting to be the best parents possible to our future child. Isn't that great? I love how that prayer takes the emphasis off of getting the child and, instead, focuses on the parents we will be. That's definitely a change in thinking for me.

Ryan has definitely been receiving a lot of graces lately, that's for sure! Thank God for that, too, because without all of my husband's insight in recent weeks, I might feel as if I was going through a time of spiritual dryness. But I don't at all, simply because I feel connected to God through Ryan. How great is that, that he seems to be treating us as a unit, which we are in his eyes? I love that! God speaks to me through him, to the point now where when we leave adoration, I have trained Ryan to remember all the thoughts and feelings he had while there so he can report back to me (poor guy...the last time we went, he admitted he was worried that he didn't have anything for me! But then once I got him talking he came out with all this great insight, as always!).

I think because of that, I am feeling very hopeful. Maybe not hopeful for a pregnancy any more, but hopeful in general. Interestingly enough, it seems like when I started to loosen my grip on the dream of conceiving, my level of hope actually began to rise. I didn't expect that! And, as we all know, the positive attitude can come and go, even from minute to minute, so we'll see how I feel in about an hour. But right now I am hopeful.

Hopeful for what? Well, for starters, I am hopeful in our Lord. I really am. I have been reminded lately that perhaps I should have hope in Him, rather than desperately trying to have hope for things. I tried so hard and for so long to have hope that my body would work right, that I'd ovulate, that I'd have a miracle pregnancy. Hoping for those things was a constant struggle for me and where did it get me? I'd try to make myself hope, and just when I'd think that maybe I was hopeful, it would all come crashing down at the end of every cycle. Balancing hope and my emotions - which were real and very painful - wasn't easy.

I think the problem might have been that I was incorrectly directing my hope. It should have been placed solely on God - more specifically, that he is real and that I will see him one day - rather than on what I wanted him to do for me. This might sound obvious now, but it wasn't to me for a very long time.

I just feel like lately God is showing me that my whole life shouldn't be focused on conceiving. Like Ryan feeling called to pray that God shapes us as parents, there are other things to pray for, and to focus on. There are many, many, many other blessings to be found, especially blessings and graces that have to do with our relationship with him. 

I think I might also be more hopeful right now because tomorrow is Pentecost. I've been praying a novena to the Holy Spirit (which, I just learned, was the very first novena ever said, and what all novenas are based on - when Our Lady and the apostles prayed for nine days before the Holy Spirit came) and I really think it has had an effect on me. A calming effect. The novena is for the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, and I wouldn't mind receiving the gift of fortitude, which is to courageously bear your cross. I need that, that's for sure!

The prayer has so many wonderful parts, but I will leave you with one of my favorites, and something I need to remember to say to God each and every day:

Give me grace, O Holy Spirit, Spirit of the Father and the Son to say to You always and everywhere, "Speak Lord for Your servant heareth." Amen.