Craziness

I think I'm losing my mind.

I have never been this down and strung-out for so long. Usually it passes after a couple days and I return to my normal mildly-depressed-but-able-to-cope-with-the-fertile-world-for-the-most-part state. Well I haven't bounced back yet. 

I am sad. I am constantly reminded of my childlessness and it seems to hurt more than normal. I am considering getting off of face.book because I cannot take one more status update about the joys of parenthood.

I am irritable (really?). Everything feels like I am trying to swim upstream and nothing is easy. Things annoy me for no reason, from the way my clothes fit to the way my printer prints out. I am crabby and taking it out on my husband. It's like I see it all happening but cannot seem to help it. I want to yell, "K, no! You're being a huge b&*@%!" but I just keep on b*&%ing.

Oh, and all food grosses me out right now for some reason. The mere thought of it makes my stomach turn. If I think about what I've eaten the past few days I want to vomit. Not that anything is wrong with what I've eaten, but it just sounds VERY wrong to me for some weird reason. On top of that, though, I still get hungry, which makes it all the more difficult.

I should also add that you don't need to worry about me wasting away. For some bizarre reason, literally the only thing that doesn't gross me out right now is this. Go figure. But I do need something to take my gazillion pills with, so I've made two low G.I. versions of it in the past three days.

That brings me to my physical symptoms - I am nauseous, my head hurts, I have stabbing lower abdominal pain that comes and goes. And my favorite - I have had pressure on my bladder and feel like I have to pee all the time. This has been for about the last 24 hours.

I really don't know what is happening to me.

I also really hope this isn't considered complaining. I don't mean for it to come off like that. I just wanted to document my symptoms and my craziness. I would go through all of this gladly, patiently, if I knew it didn't mean something else was seriously wrong. Could it be the Tamoxifen? But, if so, why hasn't it affected me this way before? I remember the first month I didn't feel so great around the time I took the pills, but I've been fine every other cycle. 

Speaking of cycles, today is cycle day eight and after a period lasting four days (H,H,L,M), I've had three days of peak-type mucus.

Who knows. I will offer it up for all those who needs God's mercy, and for all those in need of conversion.