Cycle update from New York

Well I'm safely in New York. My grandmother's calling hours are Friday night with the funeral on Saturday morning. Ryan is taking Saturday off and has worked it out to work a day shift on Friday so he can leave Friday evening. He will be here very early Saturday morning. I'm looking forward to that.

My grandfather is also in New York, but he is at one of my uncle's houses, so we haven't seen him yet. I guess he is still in rough shape.

In cycle news, it's day 29, but I have no idea how many days past peak I am. If you go by my Creighton charting, I am only nine days past peak, but I just don't feel in my heart that that is accurate at all. If you go by my temperature rising, then I am 13 days past peak. And, if you go by when my Creighton practitioner thinks my peak day was, I am eleven days past peak. So, it is safe to say it's somewhere between nine to 13 days. My luteal phases are usually 11 or 12 days, but who knows what will happen on Tamoxifen.

Up until this morning, I hadn't felt anything at all. No pms symptoms, no changes. Nothing other than some pain on my left side (which I am becoming more convinced is a cyst), but that is nothing new. But this morning I woke up feeling like crap. My legs felt like they had restless leg syndrome as I was lying in bed. Then, as I got out of bed, I just felt different, and sad. I'm sure you know what I mean.

My husband told me this morning that when he read my email saying that I felt different and sad today, that he was glad. Not because he likes me to suffer, of course, but because he is convinced that if I ever do get pregnant, that I will think I'm pms-ing right before I get a positive. I know that's true in many cases. In fact, nearly every person I know who has gotten pregnant has told me that. So I guess it's just another reason not to lose hope each month. Or you could look at it from the flip side - it just makes our monthly struggle all the more ironic and tragic.

So I am trying to handle the sadness well. I knew this would happen. Ever since I turned over a new, positive leaf, I knew that I'd have to endure a deep low all while keeping a positive attitude. I am not entirely sure how to do that, other than to turn to God constantly. I prayed this morning for strength, and then in the shower it occurred to me that my suffering can be a way to show Christ my love for him. I am always praying at adoration for God to help me to love him more, because I just don't feel like my heart burns for him like it should. So perhaps this is an answer to that prayer - that if I really want to love him more, then I shouldn't turn from this opportunity.

What a great blessing to be given such a clear way to please God. I know he is so pleased that all of us have chosen to follow Church teaching. Lately, that has given me strength. As I was driving north the other day, I actually felt so blessed to be given the chance to make such a choice and to be able to be a witness for him.

So who knows what this cycle will bring, or when I'll know more. Of course, I'll update as soon as I know anything.