I'm not doing good today. Tonight or tomorrow will be day one of a new cycle, it just depends if my body wants to be kind enough to let my luteal phase go eleven days or not. Today is eleven days past ovulation, so hopefully it can hold off til the morning. I'm also hoping I don't see any spotting today, so at least ONE thing can go right in my life. How utterly pathetic that not SPOTTING is my equivalent to winning the lottery.
As you can probably tell, I'm upset. I just feel completely trapped by my life. I don't want to be this person - an infertile, childless, 31-nearly-32-year old who has been trying for four-plus years. But that's where I find myself.
Normally, I try to make the best of it. I block out certain comments, ignore things on t.v., become successfully numb to the image of happy mothers with their little kids who I see every...where...I...go. But, as you all know, some days you lose your ability to "handle" it all.
But the joke is on me, because there's nothing I can do about it. There's no option other than to live with it and keep going, no matter how much it feels like you can't breathe. And that's why I feel completely trapped.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Trapped
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I am so sorry you are finding yourself feeling so trapped! It is a terrible feeling! It seems like I spent an eternity there! The darkness can be overwhelming and the desire to cry can overtake you at slightest thing!
ReplyDeleteI will say some extra prayers for you today and in the days to come, because I believe that this too shall pass! As women, our emotions can be so strong that they want to suffocate our faith in the tremondous things that God can do! Don't be to hard on yourself, just let yourself feel what you do and know that God's love will embrace you whether or not you feel very loving toward him at this moment!
Oh honey, I know that feeling all too well. I wish I had some answers for you... but all I can do is pray for the Lord to bring you comfort.
ReplyDeletesomehow I'm feeling the same way today. Hopefully tomorrow is better.
ReplyDeleteWe have all been there, and are there with you now. You put your feelings into words very well. Let yourself be sad for a little bit but then think about that appointment on the 17th, the older man you met while filming your documentary, and know that one way or another, your child is out there. It can be so easy to let discouraging thoughts spiral and take you down with them -- I know, I've felt them. When you said you don't want to be nearly 32, childless after years of trying, I could have written almost the exact same thing. I don't know about you, but I also know I don't want to be that jealous, pessimistic evil twin who seems to arrive at my house once a month. As much as I don't want to be childless, I don't want to be that person even more. (but she'll probably show up in about 2 or so weeks... and you'll be the optimistic person trying to give me hope!) I hope this comes out compassionate -- it's so hard to find the right words and tone. But know that's how it's meant.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel...it does feel like you are trapped. It feels like you are in a place you don't want to be and you don't know how long you will have to stay there or when you will ever find a way out. I will pray for you friend.
ReplyDeleteI am SO sorry you are having a hard day.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like they happen to us no matter what we do.
After all, we're human.
I am going to say some special prayers for you tonight.
Love ya.
it's day one for me today and i honestly thought that this was "the" month. instead i'm having a glass of wine and feeling depressed about being barren.
ReplyDeletei can only hope that tomorrow will be a better day.
hugs to you.
Big hugs! I know nothing I say can take the pain away, but just trust in Jesus... go look at your beautiful Infant of Prague and pray for peace in your heart. He'll take you into His arms.
ReplyDeletewe all know how you feel, i had one of those days today too. I saw a young teen, mabye 16 at the oldest, pregnant at walmart today. She was in the frozen food section and said, 'oh lets go look at the baby stuff, i'll need a ton of that real soon', then giggled and started almost running. I felt sick to my stomach.
ReplyDeleteI turned to my husband and said, 'she doesn't even deserve to have a baby, she's a baby her self, we deserve a baby'.
Then later on at dinner we saw a couple our age (early 30's) with a little boy and Greg said, 'i want a baby boy'. I felt like such a failure since i could not give him one. He didn't mean to make me sad, but just hearing him say that, i broke down.
It's been a tough weekend!
Hang in there!
Life hopes,I know how you feel too. Today is day one of my cycle and again, I'm so disappointed. I have been crying off and on all weekend. You are NOT alone.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you, my dear friend!
P.S. Tonight I am going to offer up my pain from this endometriosis up to the Immaculate Heart of Mary and ask her to please help you and your husband (and everyone else here) to be able to conceive. I probably don't have much hope for being able to concieve. I am forty two. You have more of a chance than me to be able to concieve so I will be praying for you!
prayrosary4life@aol.com
Love,
Maria
I'm so sorry it has been such a rough day! Just know that you are not alone and that there are many of us out here praying for you! You are so incredibly strong for having made it thus far in this journey! Just know how proud we all are of you and that it is ok to have a bad day now and then!
ReplyDeleteHugs!
I just started reading your blog and wanted to say I'm sorry you're having such a dark day. I am on my own journey through the same struggle. My heart aches for you - no one should have to go through this much pain. You're in my prayers. Thanks for sharing so openly! It has been such a help to me already!
ReplyDeleteToday was a bad day for me as well, but I didn't know how to explain how I was feeling until I read your blog. Trapped is absolutely right. I feel trapped in a life that I have to constantly pretend I am ok, even thought I can cry at any moment. It is so exhausting. I literally feel emotionally and physically drained.
ReplyDeleteToday a part of me actually felt numb and felt like giving up. I have never felt this way before. I know I shouldn't despair, but sometimes it is uncontrollable. I am grateful to all of you who at least know the pain that I am going through. Sometimes I feel so alone. I am sorry this is such a negative blog, but I just can't seem to pick myself up today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better for both of us.
Hey sweetie. I'm sorry you are down today. I just got word that "another" friend married only a few months, 20 yrs old is pregnant. No trying, no heartache..........I have to admit I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It just dosn't go away. I dont' think it ever will, the longing the desire. You are on the right path, you are healthy now and everying is working in your favor. Now is the time to be positive, you WILL be a mother. God Bless you!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you've had a rough day!
ReplyDeleteOn another note, how did so many of us end up with synchronized cycles? I'm expecting today will be Day 1, too (spotting today, but I expect more tomorrow).
I'll be praying for you!
I know all to well the feeling. And as a wise womam recently told me - it's normal to feel that way sometimes. I do believe she told me to take heart in the fact that you are on God's path and that wonderful surprises await. See very wise. :-)
ReplyDelete