Updates

I really need to thank all of you for your extremely kind comments and emails you've sent me recently. They really do lift my spirits.

I'm still pretty depressed, which is interesting because I'm in the luteal phase of my cycle and you'd think progesterone would be helping my mood. But, then again, I got my peak +7 results on Thursday and I'm not surprised the progesterone wasn't making me happy - it was only 14.6. Estradiol, meanwhile, was 265, much lower than last cycle.

I scheduled the semen analysis with a local lab for Tuesday, but it looks like we're going to have to postpone it since Ryan has the swine flu. He's been pretty sick since Friday, and yesterday he got the high fever (which lead us to make the diagnosis). I'm probably next, although I'm feeling fine so far (hopefully I didn't just jinx it!).

Today is peak +11, so I'll get my last blood draw tomorrow since today's Sunday. I really didn't feel any differently on Clomid this cycle, except I had some weird, yet only slight, sensations in my legs. I always have very slight leg pain (if you can even call it that) before I get my period, but this time it was throughout the cycle and felt a little different.

But other than that, no hot flashes, no mood swings (other than normal). Although, maybe my recent depression is due to it. I hadn't thought of that.

The only other different symptom I've had this cycle is yellow mucus the last five days or so (which was peak + 6-10, so far). I read in the PPVI handbook that it could mean I have an infection. Does anyone know if this is always the case? I'm thinking of asking for an antibiotic when (and if) I go to see Dr. L on cycle day one. Maybe that would also help with my mucus quality next time.

I say "if" I see Dr. L because I'm not sure what to do. I did want to utilize the cycles immediately following surgery in case my fertility was somehow restored, but when does it become evident that it wasn't? Three cycles? Four?

I've also been thinking about possibly doing a couple unmedicated cycles before seeing Dr. Steg.man in late January. I guess I could medicate this cycle and then go unmedicated in December.

I also really can't wait to meet with my priest this Friday. I need to ask him some serious questions about faith. I mean, after struggling this long, I've gone through all the stages and have had more than enough time to learn to give it over to God completely. While I refused to do that the first few years, I realized about a year ago that it was necessary and my heart changed. But, at least for me, it didn't lessen the pain one tiny bit and I know that giving it over to God doesn't mean you will hurt any less. I am still tormented day and night and, if anything, it has been more painful after the five year mark.

What I need to ask the priest is whether it is wrong, or weak, for me to ask that my suffering be lessened a little bit (and not by getting a baby, but by taking away the desire). I struggle with this. Although, in my weakness this weekend, I didn't struggle all that much. I gave in and prayed and prayed that if God desired for me to be childless, that He would take away my desire to be a mother. I even begged for it during the Consecration.

I only want His will to be done but I also really, really, hope it's His will to take this desire away from me. I just can't imagine spending the rest of my life in this despair. And as long as I feel like my vocation is to be a mother, my heart will break every waking moment.

I know this is probably the weak way out. I know God wants us to carry our crosses, and while He may not want us to suffer, He wants us to suffer well with what we've been given.