Monday, November 9, 2009

Hard times

I'm sick today, most likely with the flu, and cycle day one is probably going to be tomorrow, so that makes for a dangerous combination. Add that to my nearly two-week-long depression and you've got a recipe for disaster.

I realized this today and decided not to let myself spontaneously combust. I would try to turn to God and attempt to see the usefulness in all of this. So I'm trying to sort everything out and see what I can learn.

First of all, I never thought I'd be faced with the problems I am faced with right now, but I guess no one really expects it. I am so tired of crying out to God and it has been growing increasingly difficult to hope in Him. I believe with all my heart that He can rescue any of us, but in recent months I have been starting to wonder if He can even hear me.

This says it all:

Save me, God, for the waters have reached my neck. I have sunk into the mire of the deep, where there is no foothold. I have gone down to the watery depths; the flood overwhelms me. I am weary with crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes have failed, looking for my God. - Psalm 69, 1-4

Each month just gets harder than the last (with the exception of my unbearably difficult August) and I keep learning that it can always get worse. Just when I thought infertility was as bad as it could get, additional stress comes along and absolutely topples me over. If only infertility were all I had to worry about.

Sorry for the vagueness. What my problems are isn't the point. What I'm learning from them is. And right now I'm trying very hard to learn something from them, to give some value to this struggle.

I guess I've learned that as hard as it seems, there is always a way out. And I'm not talking about somehow getting rid of my problems (I've sure learned that you can't expect that to happen), but rather a way to handle them and live with them. I'm not saying I've gotten there just yet, but it just occurred to me today that I can take a deep breath, take a step back, pray, and try to find a rational way to work through everything. It might not be fun, it might not be comfortable, but I don't always have to be crying and pulling my hair out.

And it can always be worse. Instead of spending all my time wishing I had what others have, I should spend a little more time thinking about those who would love to have my life. There are always those far worse off than I.

And I can't forget about being made low. As hard as the process is while you're going through it, I know it's necessary. And maybe it hurts this much because I had a lot of pride. I could tell myself that the pain and heartbreak I feel is good because it's the prideful parts of me being destroyed.

Ultimately I am weak, and would give just about anything to have it easier right now. But, barring a miracle, nothing is going to change. I have to deal with the problems at hand and ask for God's continued guidance.

I have done terribly lately. I have given into despair and hopelessness and I'm likely to do it again tomorrow. Hopefully God will have mercy on me.

Though my flesh and my heart fail, God is the rock of my heart, my portion forever. - Psalm 73, 26

13 comments:

  1. Forgive me for being out of the loop and yell at me for missing it if I did but what is happening with adoption? It's really not a possibility right now? I hate brining up painful things but I'm wondering why you said that adopting wasn't moving forward...I think you said that a few posts ago. I've been away forever, sorry for my confusion :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I really like the Psalm you posted. I am sure any of us suffeing with IF could relate to that Psalm so thank you for posting it. I am so sorry your down. If you'ed like to get together anytime I am up fo it ;)

    xo, praying for you that you get well soon!!!

    Amber

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thinking of you! I know it doesn't sound like much, but just know that I am, and I am wishing so hard for you to suddenly find yourself past this low point.

    If only I had the magic answer to help you get there but of course I don't.

    But just know, I am thinking of you and praying so hard that God reveals to you very soon what He has been planning for you from the beginning.

    Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Teresa - Don't worry about it! We are 7th on the list with our agency and they've only done about three adoptions this year, so at that pace we'll get a baby in two years. The thought of waiting three years total (and I will be 35!!) is hard to swallow. I also know that if we could afford a more expensive agency the wait would go from three years to about three months, but we can't. It is what it is. In my despair I worry about crazy things.. like the agency going out of business and us never adopting, but I'm starting to realize that's silly. Just praying for a miracle, which I should be used to by now!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Your strength amazes me K. If I had a quarter of the strength and faith that you have, my cross is IF would be so much easier to bear.

    You continue to be in my prayers!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wow I had no idea that that's how adopting worked. I didn't know certain agencies cost more and therefore allowed for adopting to be quicker...more quick?

    I'm so so so sorry. You need some good wine, boones is my fav. haha. You're in my prayers as always :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. I didn't realize they work on a 1st come, 1st served basis?? That's (excuse my french) pretty f'd up, if you ask me. It should be the b-mom's decision, not, "this is the couple you need to choose because they're 1st on our list." Ugh, I'm so frustrated for you!

    If nothing else consoles you right now, take comfort in all of our prayers. Just knowing others are praying for you may help a little :) Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  8. TCIE - They let the birthmother choose if she wants to, but it seems that either they never do or the birthmothers happen to pick in order! Our case worker actually told us that they find that the women often don't want to pick, which I thought was surprising. So technically we could get picked sooner, but I don't think in the entire 11 months we've been waiting any birthmother has even seen our profile.

    On the bright side, GIMH did find out that the agency apparently is busy, which it hasn't been all year, so maybe it will pick up soon.

    ReplyDelete
  9. These are such hard times, but I can't help but believe that God is somehow working the miracle He has in mind for you. I also believe that this intense suffering is purifying your soul. You are not wasting one moment of your suffering, I truly admire your willingness to try to learn everything He has to teach you while your in the dark pit.
    The first scripture quote describes where I have been the last few months. It is not a place you want to be for long, so I will ask God to make His will known to you quickly.

    ReplyDelete
  10. i want you to know how much I'm thinking of you....
    tonight I felt fed up with waiting too.
    I know the pain must be great...
    Every EVERY time I see a statue of the Infant of Prague I think of you. I went to Mass last Weds am and saw one...

    Rest up, pretty lady. Blessings and prayers...

    ReplyDelete
  11. K, know of my continued prayers for your suffering. You do such a wonderful job of "putting it on paper" and making it so real to your readers. What a gift you have for writing.

    You clearly have a heart and calling for children. I wonder if while you wait for children of your own, God is calling you to them in another way. Have you ever thought about being a teacher, caretaker, preschool aide? Perhaps the job would allow you to love on children who need that love and give you some extra $$ to help toward your adoption effort. This is just a thought that has recently come to mind. I think you'd be such a gift to them...

    ReplyDelete
  12. So sorry. I can only imagine how frustrating this all is.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'm so sorry that you are having a rough time. Being sick just makes it worse. The Psalm is perfect for explaining how IF feels.

    ReplyDelete