I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I probably should have posted what I am thankful for, since it would be good practice in looking at the bright side of things, but I was too busy sleeping and eating on Thursday (in that order, since we drove overnight to get to New York) to do much of anything.
What I have been thinking a lot about, though, is surrendering. Ever since receiving my message last week, I have been trying to reflect on what it is that I am still holding back from God.
I don't want to keep anything from Him. I want nothing more than to surrender everything which would not only please God, but perhaps make this suffering a little lighter as well (in the sense that fighting my cross probably makes it heavier).
I thought about how I had definitely surrendered never being pregnant, never having biological children. There are pieces that I might not have fully surrendered, like the guilt over taking away the ability to have biological children from my healthy, normal husband (and while I know it's irrational, I'm still a little hung up on wondering if I'll have any children in Heaven, or if my adopted kids will spend eternity with their birthparents). But, overall, I have given this to God.
I have also surrendered adoption. I sincerely only want the babies that God has intended for us, perhaps almost to a fault. I'm hesitant to take any new steps in adoption for fear that it might not be part of God's plan and I'll somehow get the wrong child. But I have put the process in His hands and I know that He is in charge.
But clearly I am still upset, still heartbroken, so something must be wrong. I am holding something back and it finally occurred to me what it is.
I have refused to surrender the wait.
I have not been okay with how long this is taking and how old I am becoming. I am still hung up on that. I can't count how many times I've told God that I'm okay with not conceiving, I'm okay with Him blessing us with a child through adoption, as long as it happens NOW.
For a while I've prayed every novena asking for God to grow my family, and I always, always, add the word "soon" at the end. And every single time I said it I had a feeling it was wrong. The word stuck out in my mind as not fitting in with the rest. I just knew that what I was saying was not in accord with God.
I know in my head that I need to surrender the wait, but in my heart I can't help but be fearful of the many more years of suffering that could be ahead of me. Each day seems unbearable and to think I have thousands more ahead of me is incomprehensible. If I had my way it'd all end today! I suppose it's only natural to want your heartbreak to subside as soon as possible.
Part of me also can't help but wonder why surrendering biological children isn't enough. That's huge! But God asks more of us. I have to surrender it all.
So what does this mean? I guess I have to get to a place where I can honestly say, "God, I surrender being childless right now. I surrender the wait ahead of me, no matter how long it may be."
I prayed about it a lot at adoration the other day. I told Him how much I wanted to completely surrender and asked Him to help me with it. I thought about the wait, about how I should truly want His will to be done.
And lately at night, as I try to fall asleep, I envision myself in His presence, telling Him I am surrendering it all. I repeat the prayer that the woman gave us in adoration: "Oh my God, I love you. Help me to love you more and more. This I ask through Christ Our Lord. Amen." I interchange 'love' with anything that comes to mind - praise, trust, worship, adore, thank. If I'm in the right mood, I find that I even get excited to think about surrendering completely.
I'm hoping it will be a gradual process - the more I pray about it and learn to want it, the more I will surrender this wait to the Lord. After all, I will be waiting as long as He wants, whether I surrender it or not!
I will leave you with a prayer that, lately, I have been praying every night. It's actually a good gauge of how much I am holding back. When I am having trouble surrendering, it feels like salt being poured in a wound to say parts of it. And when I am wholeheartedly trying to surrender, it sounds quite beautiful. I hope it helps some of you as much as it has helped me:
do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you:
I am ready for all, I accept all.
Let only your will be done in me,
and in all your creatures -
I wish no more than this, O Lord.
Into your hands I commend my soul:
I offer it to you with all the love of my heart,
For I love you, Lord, and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your hands without reserve,
and with boundless confidence,
for you are my Father.
-Blessed Brother Charles of Jesus
Charles de Foucauld
K-
ReplyDeleteI understand COMPLETELY what you're saying.
It's that *wait* thing that gets in the way. There are times (like 2 nights ago) where I really struggle with that, myself. And yet, it's precisely that *wait time* that God wants from us, to rest with Him and trust.
Thanks for this post. So eloquent!
The wait is definitely the hardest part. Great post. I really need to work on surrendering.
ReplyDeleteI love how accessible this post is to everyone, not just to IFers. We all have something that we are wanting in life, and when we want things, we want them NOW (it's human nature). But you are so 100% on target with this one. I recently came to this same realization, when in a recent post I wrote how I felt, which was that I knew in my heart I'd be a mother someday.
ReplyDeleteAfter I wrote those words, I thought to myself, "Do I believe that? Yes. I do. So why am I still so upset with God, and so desperate??" It dawned on me that it's the TIME. The WAIT. It's killing me. Knowing it could take another year or so before we can even move forward with adoption is horrible... but it's not the end of the world. And it does NOT mean I will never, ever, ever be approved. Plus, learning to surrender my trusting issues has also helped me to realize that if God wills it, I could still conceive (as could you!) He can heal. But it's all in His time. Not ours.
I hope my feelings here haven't upset you at all, because I know that you have been trying way longer than I have, AND you are a few yrs older. I know I always get a little perturbed when ppl leave comments "empathizing" with my situation when they are in a completely different situation than me. (Not anyone here.) So I am sorry if my thoughts on the subject grate your nerves.
You and R are such a beautifully holy couple. I only hope to be more like you someday!
Oh, and PS, I've come to the conclusion that, regardless of who our adoptive children spend eternity with (though I truly think it's with the parents who raised them on earth), that ALL IF COUPLES will be blessed to raise the souls of the aborted babies in heaven :) :) And there are, unfortunately, billions of them... so we will indeed be very busy :)
I very much relate to all of this and know that I myself have to get to that same place where I can surrender it all. And I think all of us can relate on one level or another as all of us wait for something (such a huge reflection as Advent is upon us). I, myself, do not have that feeling that I will for certain be a parent here. I just don't . . . and that scares me so. The waiting is so painful because it feels like I'm waiting for a resolution or answer more so than for an actual child. The surrendering is a process and not an easy one.
ReplyDeleteAs for Heaven . . . I have millions of questions about all kinds of relationships in heaven. I guess there is only one way for me to find out.
Beautiful! The Lord in working in your heart.
ReplyDeleteI would say, "Lord, I want what You want, when You want it, and how you want it." There were days I think I said it over a thousand times!
That is an amazingly amazing insight. I would never have thought of that, but as soon as I read it, I could see that it was definitely right. What I can't surrender (just as when I was in discernment before) is the uncertainty. If I knew that I were called, not to motherhood, but to some other specific thing that would allow me to serve God and to find peace and fulfillment, then I could invest myself in that and learn to be happy. As it is, I am pretty sure I can be OK with not having kids, but I don't know whether it's random surprise biological child (probably not), adoption down the road, an early hysterectomy, years of debilitating illness, quitting my job and becoming a missionary, finding a job I'm really passionate about, switching careers altogether to work with kids, or (what I dread) just becoming that really sad couple whom everyone always pities because it's obvious they've spent decades lonely. I can't trust God that the alternative will be better than what I wanted. I have to know what the alternative is and form my own opinion. And that's not going to work!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post! I can totally relate. I am praying that I can surrender this wait too. xoxo
ReplyDeleteWow. This weekend I too had to surrender something else that was (gasp) just as hard, if not harder, than even infertility. (see my blog for details)
ReplyDeleteWonderful post. And, in the same spirit, here's a quote....
ReplyDelete"We should use God's gifts of creation however they help us in achieving the end for which we were created, and we ought to rid ourselves of whatever gets in the way of our purpose. In order to do this we must make ourselves indifferent to all creation, to the extent that we do not desire health more than sickness, riches more than poverty, honor more than dishonor, a long life more than a short life, or anything at all in and of itself. We should desire and choose only what helps us attain the end for which we were created. "
-St. Ignatius