I can't read adoption blogs.
I think I entered a new chapter of this struggle recently and didn't even realize it. I am an infertile adopter. I am unable, at least for the foreseeable future, to have children through adoption.
And let's keep in mind that infertility and adoption are two totally unrelated things. It's easy to lump them together and figure of course both should be difficult, isn't everything difficult? No, it isn't. Not being able to get pregnant has nothing to do with your ability or inability to adopt. So, I am infertile, not productive, unfruitful, on both completely separate counts.
Which brings me to why I can no longer read adoption blogs. I can't handle it, for the same reason I can't handle blogs about pregnancy. They're too much. They shed a glaring spotlight on my own heartache and cause me to burst into tears.
I'm happy for those people, I truly am, but, separately, the reminder of what I long for rips my heart in two. I prefer to live in a slightly comatose state where the thoughts are always there but somehow just below the surface.
I really have to learn to deal with this in case our time never comes, which is entirely possible. And unless something drastically changes, that is where we are headed. I need to be grateful that others have been blessed before I. And I am getting there, surprisingly. I just can't contain the tears.
And I know I said I wasn't going to complain, but I don't think I am doing that here. I am just sharing my emotions so I don't lose my mind. And that will be the last disclaimer about that, I promise.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Unfruitful
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Been too long!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear how much you are struggling but it is completely understandable. And vent and complain away. It's good to do it here because people in our real lives don't understand and blow us off too much.
Praying for you. Go eat some sugar free chocolate! haha
Praying for you during this time. I know those words sound so hollow sometimes. I pray the Lord lead you, guide you and direct you on the special path He has chosen for you.
ReplyDeleteI also want to say that I'm glad you are open and real on your blog. Even though I often feel as though I have nothing to offer, no wisdom or advice, I like to feel that just listening is a help. :)
Hang in there!
I understand why you can't read them. I go through that phase sometimes.
ReplyDeleteEven though our agency is slow right now- a birthmother who is due next week could come in tomorrow and pick you! I'm feeling hopeful that things are going to pick up soon. I actually had a dream the other night about this, haha! :) I'm working on staying hopeful right now too.
I totally understand how you're feeling. I've been having a great deal of trouble looking at my pg blogroll.
ReplyDeleteI do admire the fact that you have an agency and that you're in the waiting stage. I can't even think of adoption without breaking out into a cold sweat.
And please don't feel guilty about complaining. That's what we're here for!
Sending you prayers and hugs!
That's a really good point. Even if a gal has a radioactive uterus, why should she have any trouble adopting a child? In fact, it ought to be easier - the agencies want parents who will put the adopted child first, after all (or at least that's what I assume from their ban on infertility treatments during the adoption process). So that's crap. And I'm really sorry you're suffering so with all this. I'm finding lately there are a lot of blogs I can't read, too - though my pet peeves are slightly different.
ReplyDeleteI hear ya! Feel free to read my blog, since there will be no good adoption news there.
ReplyDeleteBut you are still approved. Don't underestimate that fact. I often feel bad complaining about IF when women like GIMH don't even have the opportunity to TTC, use fertility treatments, etc. I feel like I shouldn't overlook the fact that SOME parts of my fertility are working (I'm ovulating, etc.) kwim?
So, you are ABLE to adopt, and should a bmom pick you, you could literally be a mom tomorrow (as GIMH said). There will be no phones ringing at my home, or anyone else who is denied approval (though I honestly have never heard of anyone else being denied, we're just super special).
But just like reading pg blogs stinks when you're having a bad fertility day, adoption blogs totally suck when you're having a bad adoption day. That is totally understandable... and I don't think there's anything wrong with skipping over those blogs when you feel that way. You're a beautiful soul and you have touched SO many people here... but we all understand that you're not void of all emotion. We can't go on with happy faces ALL the time :)
Hugs!! I'm stepping up the prayers to St. Joseph to help make you and R adoptive parents SOON!
I am so sorry you are hurting. I have been there, too. It is hard with the future seems bleak.
ReplyDeleteSomething drastic WILL happen. I have been praying SO fervently for you many times throughout the day. I say lengthy prayers, short prayers, prayers to St. Michael, prayers for mercy, favor, for anything the Spirit brings to mind.
ReplyDeleteAnd so I KNOW that there is something beautiful in the works I just know it. I will also try to remember to pray more for Him to sustain you in the time of waiting.
I understand how you feel completely. I don't know whether my blog has become an "adoption" blog officially yet since it hasn't happened yet but I - to this day - cannot handle pregnancy blogs. It is very painful and I cannot make apologies for my true feelings so it is what it is.
I started my blog with full intent of having it be my IF release. Nobody else gets it, and DH is as low as me so we cannot lift each other up. So don't feel badly about laying it all out there as raw as it comes on your blog. We don't judge.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry about your adoption process. I hope something changes for you soon :)
I'm sorry you're have a rough time right now. Feel free to vent. I'm praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to your feelings on so many levels and it just hurts so bad.
ReplyDeleteDarkness sometimes hovers. I am praying that the maker of the sunshine will share some with you very soon.
I totally understand how you feel. I am praying for you!!
ReplyDeleteKarey,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry of the suffering that you're going through right now. It's completely understandable for you to feel like this. I pray that through all of this, you will find peace. My heart breaks for you.