Saturday, November 1, 2008

Cycle update and thoughts on hope

So my temp is back up. I took it when I briefly woke up a little earlier than normal and it was 98.1 (I think). I fell back asleep and took it at my normal time and it was 98.4. So take your pick.

I did have one symptom that the cycle is ending, though. I had bad indigestion last night. Usually, I get a little bit of it (not exactly heartburn, but like bubbles in my esophagus, if that makes any sense), in the couple days before. This could be related to the fact that I was sick this week; my mom thinks my whole digestive tract is getting back on track, and that's what is causing the discomfort (I had some pain, too, on the left side. I thought at first it was an ovary, but she tended to think it was my intestines over there).

We'll soon find out! Tomorrow is eleven days past ovulation. I'm hoping it holds off, since I'd like to have a little longer luteal phase, although I'm not sure if it matters. It will just sound more textbook to have a 12-14 day phase.

I'm also hoping for less spotting this time around. It's all about the small things!

This cycle has taught me some stuff about hope. See, I put myself out there this cycle having some hope (albeit, a tiny bit) and God blesses me with some understanding. Isn't he great? I think I'll write in depth about it another time, but what it all comes down to is I think I am supposed to hope in him. Not for a pregnancy, or for less spotting, or for a family, or for a life like everyone else has. That is just asking him for things. He knows what is best for me, and so why waste so much time hoping for things that may not be in his plan for us? If we spend time hoping in him, though, we're not wasting any time at all.

I'm not saying we are wrong to hope for these things in life - it is okay to ask God for things, especially good things, with his holy will in mind at all times (although we should balance it out with adoration and thanksgiving, something I don't always do). I'm just saying it's obvious that this struggle with hope is something we all fight at times and I've been trying to figure out why.

All I know is I try to listen to the voice in my head that pops up randomly, and says the same thing for months at a time (maybe this is cause for concern?? Don't tell my adoption social worker!!). For months, I heard it say "The Lord is my shepherd, there is nothing I shall want." This would happen all the time, just pop right in there amongst all my thoughts. So I started thinking about it, and I realized that was the Lord's answer for me to all my prayers; he wanted me to believe it. I mean, if I believed that wholeheartedly, I wouldn't be depressed over my infertility! He would be enough; that would be the answer! I know that's a very tall order, since we are humans and live in this fallen world (although I'm sure many a saint has accomplished it), but we can at least try.

And so lately, what has been popping in there is the thought that I am supposed to hope in him, rather than for all of these things I want (or maybe in addition to them, I'm not sure). Having hope in him is all throughout the Bible, and whenever I look up verses that have to do with hope, that's what they say. 

I just googled it now, and guess what popped up first, which I obviously had forgotten all about? "Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD" (Psalm 31:25). That's the inspiration for my blog name, a verse that has given me great comfort, and that was probably God telling me a year ago to have hope in him! (You mean that verse doesn't say "Be strong and take heart, all you who hope for a pregnancy"??). But had I ever thought about it that way before? No.

So what does hoping in him even mean? I don't know for sure. Hope in eternity? Hope that he will deliver on his promises? Hope that he will be here for me? Hope that he will bless me? Hope that he will allow me to be pregnant? I'm going to have to pray about it more, but I tend to think it's more simple than I even want to make it. Hope in him. Turn my heart towards him and hope in him.

Right now my level of hope is low in general, so I could give hoping in God a try, whatever that means. I do know that I believe we are put on this earth to grow in love for him, to serve him, and to eventually be in eternity with him. If that is my goal, then I should be focusing more on him and less on my wants and desires. He is enough. It's plain and simple and he is asking us to believe it (how sad that I struggle with such a simple request by him). I may not be able to live like that just yet, but at least I know it's true.

5 comments:

  1. Hope is something that I struggle with a LOT. I don't know if this will help or not, but I wrote a post back in April after my failed IUI about putting my hope in the Lord... here is the link if you are interested...

    http://mermay.blogspot.com/2008/04/where-does-my-hope-lie.html

    It's a lot easier to say I put my hope in the Lord, but it is only through His strength and guidance that I can overcome my human nature and actually DO it... (((hugs)))

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  2. This is a great post. Probably one of your best.

    I think it applies not only to infertility, but to every aspect of life - including when others let us down. We can't put all of our hope in them or we will despair. No, not even our husbands. They too are sinners like us and will let us down.

    If our hope is really in the Lord, we cannot be knocked down by anything.

    Also, just so you know, I have a tremendous amount of hope for you this cycle. I think it's a great sign that your temp is up and you are making it to 11 days past! Someone else once said on your blog that when you get pregnant they'd feel as if they were pregnant. That is exactly how I would feel! Oh happy day! I would cry tears of joy for you.

    Then I'd hit the road and be there in approximately 2.5 hours to jump up and down with you, cry and praise our Lord.

    Just think, that day is just around the corner ...

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  3. Um, hello Missy... it is now 1 day past the day you *thought* you'd get a visitor... what's up???!!!

    (On a related note, imagine finding out you have a brand new soul living inside you on... All Soul's Day?!! - - you'd better test today!)

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  4. We all struggle with hope and disappointment. But I think it's better to keep dreaming and believing and hoping and suffering through the disappointments than never having hope. And there is a difference between "hope" for what you want, and "faith" in what you truly believe. Even in your disappointment, it's the faith that will carry you through.

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  5. I thought of you during Mass today at the Responsorial Psalm... the Lord is my shepherd, there is nothing I shall want.
    It is such a beautiful passage! And yet, as you wrote, so difficult to put into practice. It's such a radical thought - is God truly enough for us? Most of us would answer "yes," of course the challenge is to live it. I pray that the Spirit would help us to fully believe this in our hearts...

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