Believing

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. (Mark 11:24)

I came across this verse while in adoration last night. It struck a cord with me, because, in the past, I have not truly believed I will receive what I ask for. If I had to assign a percentage to the amount of belief I have that God will answer my prayer for a pregnancy, it's probably about 10 percent. That's bad. 

As I read this last night, it suddenly all made perfect sense (as things often do in front of the Blessed Sacrament, not surprisingly). I need to live this. I need to have complete faith. Not just complete faith that God hears me. Not just complete faith that God has my best interest in mind. Not just complete faith that I'll be happy one day, and that we'll have children one way or another. 

No. 

I need to have complete faith in all of those things, but also that I will be pregnant.

I know. You are probably thinking, but many faithful Christians pray for this and never get their pregnancy. I know. Boy, do I know. All I can say is that I just feel called to believe it right now. I feel called into belief, and I feel like I am not supposed to worry about my prayer not being answered.

I am all about rationality. I call myself a realist (Ryan calls me a pessimist). I know there are statistics, I know there are childless couples, and I know most of them are good people. So why do I think my prayer will be answered? Because God tells us to believe. 

Here it is again in Matthew:

If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer. (Matthew 21:22)

Both Gospel writers felt this statement made by Jesus was important enough to include in their passages about the withered fig tree. I don't think it was an accident.

So how do we combine this blind faith with the notion of seeking God's will? And how do we manage this blind faith during our monthly ups and downs? It is asking us to put ourselves out there, to expose ourselves to what we see as potential heartbreak and that might sound pretty uncomfortable, scary and even impossible at first. I know I might seem like I am over-simplifying things here, but my answer to those worries is that we just can't worry! God is asking this of me and my husband right now and it must be for a reason. 

All I know is that it may not make a lot of sense, but it felt right when I reflected on it at adoration. I know it is what I am supposed to do. This doesn't mean I won't still be sad, angry, impatient, etc., etc. It just means that through it all, I will do my best to believe that he will answer my prayers, just as he has promised.

On our drive home from adoration, I mentioned this to Ryan. Not surprisingly, he was completely on board. During our weekly holy hour, he has been reading Raymond Arroyo's book about Mother Angelica, who was no stranger to steadfast faith. In fact, that's one of the central themes of the book - Mother's unwavering faith that her prayers would be answered. What an amazing witness she is, and I don't think it's a coincidence that this is what Ryan has been reading. God has been preparing his heart too.

So what's the practical application? Well, I'm going to just try to remember it at all times. When my mind starts to wander into thoughts of doubt, I will gently guide it back on track. When I feel sad, I will remember that while the waiting can be painful at times, God will answer my prayers. Re-training my brain will be a lot of work at first, but I am confident that, eventually, it will become second nature. 

With that all being said, I'd like to let you know that I WILL be pregnant one day.