Waiting

I'm bored, therefore I am posting despite the fact that I have nothing new to report (what an incentive for you to keep on reading!). 

Today is ten days past ovulation, so I need to make it through tomorrow and Monday to get a twelve-day luteal phase. Maybe I could even get to thirteen! I don't have any PMS symptoms as of yet, other than some slight indigestion which sometimes is a sign for me. Oh, and how could I forget about this one - I've been weepy for a couple days now. By weepy I mean that I feel like crying while watching commercials or shows, mainly at things that aren't sad. That's usually a tell-tale sign. I don't actually cry, but I start to tear up. It's got to be hormonal because it definitely doesn't happen the rest of the month.

No leg sensation yet, though, which is my surest sign of impending doom. And my temp was back up this morning to 98.4 (my temp dipped two days ago and then yesterday I got up too early to take it). 

I am anxious, though - anxious to find out whether my luteal phase will last as long as it should, anxious that each time I go into the bathroom it will be the time I get the inevitable news, anxious to know whether I'll take it well or not. I hate counting down the days and hoping and praying my body can make it to Tuesday, so I don't take a big step backwards. Then I resent the fact that I'm left just hoping my luteal phase can be a stinking twelve days, rather than hoping I'm pregnant like the rest of the fertile world.

I've also caught myself viewing the world from an it's-not-fair perspective lately. After keeping my level of hope and confidence up pretty high for a couple of weeks, I was looking around at the busy mall yesterday and thinking, "Every single one of these people are here because their moms got pregnant, because their bodies were able to do something extremely basic that mine cannot." It boggles my mind sometimes to think that if all women were made like me, the human race would be extinct. It's not only babies who should remind me of my inability to procreate, but all people! That's just great.

Don't get me wrong, though. I'm not depressed, and I haven't lost hope. I know, that's probably kind of confusing. I just find that these thoughts start to creep in at times. They aren't taking over, though. I'm still basically hopeful.

Thanks so much for praying for my mom, by the way. I knew it was bad last night when she asked me for prayers. She always asks me to pray for people she knows who are sick, but I honestly don't think she's ever asked for prayers for anything for herself. She was in rough shape still this morning, but sounded a lot better this afternoon. But then my sister called me, concerned that she needs to take it a lot easier than she is. She really got me worried that this c-dif.f problem could get really bad, which scared the heck out of me. Apparently, c-di.ff can come back again and again (this is my mom's second bout so far) and sometimes last for years, God forbid. We just want her to relax even after she starts to improve. We want her to take a few days off of work, even if she thinks she is better.

She's a nurse, so she knows how it works, but somehow all that goes out the window when she's the patient.

So we are going to stay vigilant and force her to take time off when she should, or not go somewhere she had planned, or not get all busy due to Christmas preparations. That would be silly. If you get a chance, please pray that she can be free and clear of this horrible thing for good.

Cycle update and Thanksgiving pictures

Just a quick cycle update before I get into my pictures of Thanksgiving...It's cycle day 25 and today is nine days past ovulation. My temp was up nice and high until two days ago it dropped to 97.7. This happened last month as well, dropping at about the same time for one day, then rising again. I'm not exactly sure why, but when I googled it I found stuff that said it can be due to an estrogen surge that doesn't necessarily mean you're pregnant (hence, me last month). It probably was back up today, but I got up way too early for it to be accurate.

My bbs have been sore this week, which is good, I guess, since they haven't been for as long as I can remember. The only other thing to report is that on Monday and Tuesday I had a stabbing pain that lasted less than 30 seconds. It happened once each day. The pain was very low, in the middle. I'm not sure what that was, unless it might have been gas related. Everything with me is either related to my cycle or gas. Take your pick.

So I started out Thankgiving morning with some good news - I stepped on the scale to discover I had finally hit the forty pound mark. I knew it wouldn't last long, though, with a big meal just hours away. Speaking of which, my low G.I. Thanksgiving was delicious. Low fat it was not. I used four sticks of butter total in the meal, but the good news is there were a lot of leftovers, so it's not like Ryan and I ate two sticks of butter each. But we probably will over the next three days. 

I took this picture to show you that I wasn't kidding about using butter...real butter:

(And, let's be honest - this was only a portion of the butter that went in with the onion and celery for the stuffing!) It's my motto in action: Cheat with fat, not with the "white stuff" (white flour, sugar, etc., etc.). While the author of the low G.I. book encourages the low-fat part of the diet as well, that's not crucial for my hormones. So when I want to cheat, that's how I do it. Plus, I should really be maintaining at this point, anyways.

More butter, and the big slab of cheese is 2% milk Velveeta. They are melting for my broccoli casserole. Mmmmm.

Here's me putting in the turkey, glad that the worst of it was over. And, no, I was not in a house full of family and friends who took this picture. It was just me and the self-timer on the camera (I know, very dorky). I'm glad no one was around, actually, so they didn't have to hear me wimper in fear as I prepped the bird.

The spread. My sweet potato casserole (with Splenda) is on the left. It overflowed in the oven, as you can see (and, if I do say so myself, it was delicious and should make appearances on more than just holidays! I'll post the recipe in the future). Next, my mashed potatoes made with new potatoes (not necessarily low G.I. because they are mashed, but a better option than regular). Stuffing made with wheat bread is above and next to the potatoes. Above the big stuffing is the broccoli casserole (the topping is made with wheat crackers). And above the turkey is the gravy made with white wheat flour. 

Poor Ryan had horrible back pain as we ate, and I'm sure he wasn't letting on to just how bad it really was (the back pain, not the food). We both got full really fast, since our stomachs are not what they used to be!

We had a great night (thanks to pain pills for him), and then today I got up early for some black Friday shopping. Believe it or not, it was my first-ever black Friday experience, at least as far as I can remember. And now I see the attraction - I got some good deals! Although I was seriously loopy by 2 p.m. (and I should also point out I got up at 6:20; I didn't exactly do any "door busting"). 

Then my in-laws stopped at our house tonight to pick up the dogs. I don't know if I mentioned it on here before, but my sister-in-law just discovered my blog and it has been a huge blessing. She has stepped up her prayers for us and we couldn't appreciate it more. So tonight before she left, she was SO sweet and prayed with me for us to have a baby. Let's hope her increased prayers lately will be what puts us over the top!!

I'm exhausted so I'm going to go rest now, with a new fancy Pott.ery Barn throw I bought today with a gift card I've been hoarding for almost a year. Before I do, though, I'm going to go raid the leftovers. Writing about them got me hungry!

P.S. Could you please say some prayers for my mother? She has c-dif.f (period added by me, not part of the name, in case you're curious), which is a type of superbug (wikipedia describes it as follows:  It is a severe infection of the colon, often happening after normal gut flora is eradicated by use of antibiotics). She contracted it while on heavy antibiotics for an absessed tooth. Well, after being sick for a couple weeks earlier this month, she thought it was under control, but she's sick again. Any prayers you could say on her behalf would be much appreciated!

Artwork

Jeremiah 29:11 asked about the paintings I have around my house, so I decided to post some pictures here. I haven't talked too much about painting on here, probably because I haven't really done it in two years! I am a total temperamental artist and I can go for very long periods of time without doing it. I don't doubt that this current dry spell probably has something to do with infertility, now that I think about it. 

So I just went around my house and took these pictures, and I realized that I don't have a lot here. My parents' house probably has the marjority in one spot. I used to have pictures of all that I've sold, but they're all on a computer hard drive in our attic. I guess I should probably get those off of there before they're lost forever!

Here's what I have:

This was our wedding painting, which means that a detail of one of the flowers was on our save-the-date and the invitations, and prints of this painting were given away as favors to all the women.


This is a print of a painting (notice the reflection throughout - that bright spot in the sky is neither the sun nor a UFO, but actually a light in my kitchen. You can also see me taking the picture if you look closely). The original is hanging in my father's office. And it's actually a painting of the building my father's office is located in (his is the door and windows on the far right side, first floor). 


I did this painting really quickly one day to decorate my kitchen.


This painting - of my great-grandmother on her wedding day, I believe - is actually one of my first, from high school. It matches our bedroom now, so up it went (I look at it every day and think about how the proportion is wrong).


I did this painting the night before my wisdom teeth were removed because I was panicking and needed something to concentrate on! I probably should have painted something before my two endometriosis surgeries!



I was looking for something to paint one day, and the famous painting that this is a replica of was actually printed on the wrapping that the canvas came in, so I just copied it. I guess I'm pretty lazy when it comes to ideas!

Speaking of that, I should point out that I can ONLY paint from photographs, or other paintings. It's a curse and a blessing. Everyone tries to convince me I could probably paint out of my head if I tried, but my mind just doesn't work that way. I HAVE to be looking at something. Here's another example of that:



This one is actually a detail of one of my favorite paintings, On The Beach, by Winslow Homer (and it's a little banged up, I just noticed). The original is hanging in an art museum just a few miles from where I grew up (if you click on the link, you can see how the part I used for my painting is actually in the lower left corner of the original). 


Well, I guess this has inspired me to get going on painting. Hopefully I'll post some pictures of new paintings in the near future!

Happy Thanksgiving...and photos of my low G.I. meal are also coming soon!

A G.I. Thanksgiving

Due to the wonderful schedule of a t.v. news anchor, we're not going anywhere for Thanksgiving. It's not all bad - my husband does get Christmas off (it's always one holiday or the other, and we always pick Christmas) and we'll be visiting my family for five days. But for now, we're at home and it's just the two of us for dinner tomorrow.

Last year we ate Thanksgiving dinner with everyone working at his station that night, but this year he's working a day shift so he doesn't have to eat there. Plus, if we ate at his station, I wouldn't be able to actually eat anything other than dry turkey. So we decided (or I actually insisted) that I make dinner just for us.

So in case you're wondering, no, I will not be going off of my diet tomorrow. I just don't see the need or the value in it. I don't want to negatively affect my hormones after getting them all in line and since I can make everything on the menu low G.I. anyways, I just don't see the point.

I know I am lucky in that it's just the two of us, so there's no one else to complain about my use of Splenda in the sweet potato casserole. So I'm taking advantage of that!

And while I'm keeping the menu G.I.-friendly, I am also going by my motto: cheat with fat not with the bad stuff (i.e. white flour, sugar, corn products, etc.). So my version of "cheating" will be by using lots of real butter in everything! That way, it won't affect my hormones, but will still be really yummy.

Here's my menu, and how I'm altering the recipes:

Stuffing - my favorite! I am using wheat bread, of course, and the "good" eggs (with omega-3). Also, did you know that the Pepperidge Farm bread crumb stuff is actually a mix of white and 100% whole wheat? And that the "white" part of it is actually enriched wheat flour? Enriched wheat isn't ideal, but it's also not "white" and it's a great compromise. I also "splurged" and will be using a loaf of whole grain white bread, which is also not really white and actually enriched wheat flour as well.

Gravy - made with white wheat flour

Mashed potatoes - made with red new potatoes (even though these are allowed on the diet, I haven't had any just because they are pretty high in carbs still, so I'm looking forward to this!)

Sweet potato casserole - made with Splenda brown sugar blend

Broccoli casserole - made with 2% milk Velveeta cheese and much less butter than the orginal recipe calls for. Also, I'll use whole wheat Ritz crackers for the topping.

I'll also make peas, and the turkey, of course! I feel like I'm forgetting something. Hmmm, I think that's it. I don't know if I'll make a dessert yet, which seems kind of sacreligious, doesn't it? I just am not a big splenda-dessert person, so I'd rather go without than make something like that. I might make a low G.I. apple crisp if my husband wants it. I recently found a great no-sugar-added ice cream bar, so I'll be having one of those.

I'm going to take pictures tomorrow, so I'll post them in the coming days. And eventually I'll also post the recipes for all this stuff as well. It's too late for Thanksgiving, but perhaps some of you will be inspired to make some of it for Christmas.

So before when I said it was just the two of us, I wasn't being entirely truthful. We actually have quite a full house. Sophie's cousins are visiting us for Thanksgiving:

Meet Winston...



...and Sammie.

Technically, Sam is Sophie's aunt, but you get the picture. Winston's mommy just started reading this blog, so now she'll get to see her little guy on here. And speaking of Winston's mom and since I just came across some old pictures on my phone while uploading the ones of the doggies...

A couple weeks ago I posted about visiting my in-laws in NC. The reason we were going there that particular time was because we were having a "girls' night in" at her home. We spent the night painting a painting (or, rather, three paintings in one) for her bedroom:




I was supposed to be teaching her and my other sister-in-law to paint, but since I'm not a natural teacher (unlike everyone else in both my and Ryan's families), I kind of took over. Although Winston's mom did contribute a lot, including some of the detail on the petals.

I'm usually a nightmare to be around when I'm painting (the words, "we are to never speak of me painting EVER again," have been known to be spoken at times), so I told my sister-in-laws that I'll need to do all my paintings in front of them, apparently, because I did this one in about three hours with no complaints!

Here it is in her room (we took great care to match it to her bedding!):

Doesn't she arrange her bed beautifully? It looks just like a catalog picture or something!

Anyways - back to Thanksgiving - I hope you all have safe travels, great food, fun times with your families, and a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Another apron!

I'm a sewing fool lately. After making an apron on Saturday, I made two pillows yesterday and a little pillow today. I definitely go in spurts, though. I better be in the sewing mood through Christmas since I have big plans to make aprons for several people.

Here are some shots of my latest creation:

Introducing the "Sophie" apron, part of my Fall 2008 Kitchen-wear line.

I picked the fabric to match my kitchen (and yes, that is actually my kitchen/dining room. Our house is pretty small, or, should I say "cozy"). 

You might not be able to tell, but the red embellishment on the skirt is tiny little red pom poms, and they look like cherries! So cute. I was so excited when I found it the other day. The light blue part on the skirt actually has words on it that says things like "family," "dwell," "peace," "gathering" and things like that. I love all the fabrics. It's just so hard to choose, which is why my style tends to incorporate several fabrics into one design. I absolutely love matching them all up.

So when I first made my mom's apron a couple weeks ago, I bought a pattern. I figured I'm a beginning sewer so I'd need it. I used it to cut out the initial shape, but then that was it. I discovered I hate following patterns (and this particular one wasn't well written. I don't mind my Amy Butler purse pattern because it's more conversational). I'm not surprised, since I paint but can't stand painting classes and have never really taken any. Maybe I have a problem with authority? I'm not sure! All I know is that my mind doesn't really work that way, with patterns and that sort of thing. I like to make it up as I go along. When it came to my apron, I just had an idea in mind and did it. That's why I love sewing - there are no rights or wrongs and you can make things so fast. I woke up this morning, decided I wanted a little pillow, and had it by eleven!

Speaking of the pillows, here's a shot of them:

That's my arm and leg, and Sophie Belle, of course, and the Infant of Prague is making an appearance in the background.

Well, I'm off to watch a movie. And for a quick cycle update - I've had a little bit of mucus today and yesterday (10 cloudy, pasty yesterday and 6 cloudy, pasty today) and also this morning my temp shot up from 98.1 to 98.6. I hope these are all normal things.

Have a great night!

Feeling confident

I've spent the last couple days sewing. I think I've been to fabric stores for different odds and ends almost every day this week! It's a weakness. 

I'll post a picture of my newest apron - which I made for myself - soon. I now have created two different designs and since they're originals, I've even named them! My style is called "Sophie," after my dog because it is fun and cute just like her, and the one I made for my mom I named "Maggie" because it is a little more mature, but still feminine - like her cockapoo, Maggie, who is definitely more refined than my crazy dog.

I also made two pillow cases for throw pillows for my couch. 

Oh, and yesterday I did a little work towards the big home study home visit! I actually organized our linen closet. Some parts of my house seem like no self-respecting woman could possibly live in my home, and this closet was one of them. So now it's all better and will hopefully stay that way until the meeting. I also cleaned the kitchen, which of course will get dirty twenty times over before then, but I'm promising to keep up with it now (something I don't usually do, despite what it may seem like in pictures!). 

It's also four days past ovulation, cycle day twenty, and things are looking good. My temp is still up and my bbs are actually a little tiny bit sore, something I haven't felt in months (I think this is good, right?).

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I'm also in the middle of a novena to the Infant of Prague. I decided in September, when I got my statue, to say novenas once a month for nine months. Each time I start it, I google "Infant of Prague Novena" and just choose a new one. This month, the one I chose (without really reading it ahead of time) is perfect! And coming off of this post earlier in the week, I really feel like I was meant to find it!

First of all, I love how novenas are full of confidence in God. They all seem to just overflow with faith and downright confidence that our request will be granted. It's not in a prideful way, or as if we are telling God what to do, but in an excited, childlike way, like, of course our Lord will do this! He is God!

The one I'm saying now literally says "I feel confident that my prayer will be granted." It also contains two really great lines from Scripture: "Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened," and "All that you ask of the Father in My Name, He will grant you."

Just reading these words of confidence each night reinforces my new positive attitude. It reminds me that it's okay to come to the Lord and ask him for something, and believe he will grant it!

I've really been doing pretty well with faith lately. Since deciding to believe that God would answer my prayer for a pregnancy, I really have believed it. I know some weeks are better than others - and ovulation/beginning of the two-week-wait is probably the easiest time of the cycle for me - but I really think my peaceful feeling is due to God's grace and I'm so thankful he put this new outlook on my heart.

For those of us struggling with infertility, confidence doesn't exactly come easy. I don't know about you, but I was afraid to take the leap of faith to believe it can happen for me. I worry that if I believe, then the fall will be harder. Or, we have conditioned ourselves to think we somehow don't deserve to believe, like it is too innocent and silly and we've been around the block, so to speak, and know much better!

And when it comes to our particular struggle, it's pretty hard to believe our prayer will be granted this month when it hasn't been thirty, forty or fifty times before. We already know from personal experience that God doesn't always answer our prayers, which makes it all the more difficult to believe those lines from Scripture.

Of course we are all good at asking God for a pregnancy, in spite of all these reasons to not believe. I know I ask for it several times a day, for myself and for all of you. So why bother asking if we don't believe he might give it to us? I think if we are asking him for it, then deep down we do believe he can give it to us. Now we just need to take the leap to admit that to ourselves, and risk getting hurt. He won't let us get hurt, though; not if we place our trust in him.

I'll leave you with the novena I've been talking about. If you do not yet have confidence, maybe ask Jesus to have some for you. I'm sure he already does!

INFANT OF PRAGUE NOVENA PRAYER

O Jesus, Who has said, "Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened," through the intercession of Mary, Your Most Holy Mother, I knock, I seek, I ask that my prayer be granted.

(Make your request)

O Jesus, Who has said, "All that you ask of the Father in My Name, He will grant you," through the intercession of Mary Your Most Holy Mother, I humbly and urgently ask your Father in your name that my prayer will be granted.

(Make your request)

O Jesus, Who has said, "Heaven and earth shall pass away but My word shall not pass away," through the intercession of Mary Your Most Holy Mother, I feel confident that my prayer will be granted.

(Make your request)

PRAYER OF THANKSGIVING

Divine Infant Jesus, I know You love me and would never leave me. I thank You for Your close Presence in my life.

Miraculous Infant, I believe in Your promise of peace, blessings, and freedom from want. I place every need and care in Your hands.

Lord Jesus, may I always trust in Your generous mercy and love. I want to honor and praise You, now and forever. Amen.

He makes all things new

I just wanted to share with you a song I love, that makes me tear up. It's really beautiful, and although it's not intended to, it can totally relate to infertility (I know, shocking that something reminded me of infertility). 

Specifically, the line "you make all things new" really speaks to me about God's healing power. Those of us struggling with this all want to be made new right now - whether that means our bodies, our hearts, or our whole lives. This song reminds me that we will be made new - our lives will change and the suffering will be replaced with joy. That's what God does, and what he wants to do for us.

Here's the passage from Revelations:

“Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth. The former heaven and the former earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. I also saw the holy city, a new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, God's dwelling is with the human race. He will dwell with them and they will be his people and God himself will always be with them (as their God). He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there shall be no more death or mourning, wailing or pain, (for) the old order has passed away." The one who sat on the throne said, "Behold, I make all things new." Then he said, "Write these words down, for they are trustworthy and true.” He said to me, "They are accomplished. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give a gift from the spring of life-giving water.” (Revelation 21:1-5)

God will always be with us. He will wipe every tear from our eyes. He makes all things new.