Feeling confident

I've spent the last couple days sewing. I think I've been to fabric stores for different odds and ends almost every day this week! It's a weakness. 

I'll post a picture of my newest apron - which I made for myself - soon. I now have created two different designs and since they're originals, I've even named them! My style is called "Sophie," after my dog because it is fun and cute just like her, and the one I made for my mom I named "Maggie" because it is a little more mature, but still feminine - like her cockapoo, Maggie, who is definitely more refined than my crazy dog.

I also made two pillow cases for throw pillows for my couch. 

Oh, and yesterday I did a little work towards the big home study home visit! I actually organized our linen closet. Some parts of my house seem like no self-respecting woman could possibly live in my home, and this closet was one of them. So now it's all better and will hopefully stay that way until the meeting. I also cleaned the kitchen, which of course will get dirty twenty times over before then, but I'm promising to keep up with it now (something I don't usually do, despite what it may seem like in pictures!). 

It's also four days past ovulation, cycle day twenty, and things are looking good. My temp is still up and my bbs are actually a little tiny bit sore, something I haven't felt in months (I think this is good, right?).

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I'm also in the middle of a novena to the Infant of Prague. I decided in September, when I got my statue, to say novenas once a month for nine months. Each time I start it, I google "Infant of Prague Novena" and just choose a new one. This month, the one I chose (without really reading it ahead of time) is perfect! And coming off of this post earlier in the week, I really feel like I was meant to find it!

First of all, I love how novenas are full of confidence in God. They all seem to just overflow with faith and downright confidence that our request will be granted. It's not in a prideful way, or as if we are telling God what to do, but in an excited, childlike way, like, of course our Lord will do this! He is God!

The one I'm saying now literally says "I feel confident that my prayer will be granted." It also contains two really great lines from Scripture: "Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened," and "All that you ask of the Father in My Name, He will grant you."

Just reading these words of confidence each night reinforces my new positive attitude. It reminds me that it's okay to come to the Lord and ask him for something, and believe he will grant it!

I've really been doing pretty well with faith lately. Since deciding to believe that God would answer my prayer for a pregnancy, I really have believed it. I know some weeks are better than others - and ovulation/beginning of the two-week-wait is probably the easiest time of the cycle for me - but I really think my peaceful feeling is due to God's grace and I'm so thankful he put this new outlook on my heart.

For those of us struggling with infertility, confidence doesn't exactly come easy. I don't know about you, but I was afraid to take the leap of faith to believe it can happen for me. I worry that if I believe, then the fall will be harder. Or, we have conditioned ourselves to think we somehow don't deserve to believe, like it is too innocent and silly and we've been around the block, so to speak, and know much better!

And when it comes to our particular struggle, it's pretty hard to believe our prayer will be granted this month when it hasn't been thirty, forty or fifty times before. We already know from personal experience that God doesn't always answer our prayers, which makes it all the more difficult to believe those lines from Scripture.

Of course we are all good at asking God for a pregnancy, in spite of all these reasons to not believe. I know I ask for it several times a day, for myself and for all of you. So why bother asking if we don't believe he might give it to us? I think if we are asking him for it, then deep down we do believe he can give it to us. Now we just need to take the leap to admit that to ourselves, and risk getting hurt. He won't let us get hurt, though; not if we place our trust in him.

I'll leave you with the novena I've been talking about. If you do not yet have confidence, maybe ask Jesus to have some for you. I'm sure he already does!

INFANT OF PRAGUE NOVENA PRAYER

O Jesus, Who has said, "Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened," through the intercession of Mary, Your Most Holy Mother, I knock, I seek, I ask that my prayer be granted.

(Make your request)

O Jesus, Who has said, "All that you ask of the Father in My Name, He will grant you," through the intercession of Mary Your Most Holy Mother, I humbly and urgently ask your Father in your name that my prayer will be granted.

(Make your request)

O Jesus, Who has said, "Heaven and earth shall pass away but My word shall not pass away," through the intercession of Mary Your Most Holy Mother, I feel confident that my prayer will be granted.

(Make your request)

PRAYER OF THANKSGIVING

Divine Infant Jesus, I know You love me and would never leave me. I thank You for Your close Presence in my life.

Miraculous Infant, I believe in Your promise of peace, blessings, and freedom from want. I place every need and care in Your hands.

Lord Jesus, may I always trust in Your generous mercy and love. I want to honor and praise You, now and forever. Amen.

Beautiful Sunday

It's a beautiful Sunday, my husband just left for work, I'm doing laundry, and I've got some adoption paperwork to tackle. That's my day in a nutshell. Oh, and go Bills!

We're leaving either late tonight or early tomorrow morning for my in-laws' and I'm looking forward to it. They live three hours away and we'll be there for just a couple days.

So far I haven't ovulated, which I say because my temperature hasn't risen. Today is cycle day 15 so hopefully we're getting close, although I've still had less mucus than normal (the quality is now great, but the quantity is a little iffy - once or twice a day. Is that enough?).

Interestingly enough, my temperature is lower than normal for the first time - usually it's 97.9, but this month it's been 97.6. Does that mean anything? I figure change is good, since whatever my body was doing before sure wasn't working!

Speaking of what my body is doing, I read all about reproduction yesterday. It's been two years since we started with PPVI, so that is the last time we got the tutorial. I hadn't thought about it at all the last year or so because I knew my body wasn't doing the right thing anyways. But now that it apparently is, I wanted to read up on it again. And oh my goodness! How does anyone get pregnant? So much has to go right for everything to work! I also can't understand how anyone can be knowledgable about reproduction - or anything having to do with the body for that matter - and not believe in God. It's just so miraculous, and it seems ludicrous to think all this intricate stuff just started happening. So anyways, I understand how everything works now, at least on a very basic level.

I did start to get a tad bit sad today at Mass, but I nipped it in the bud. I have nothing to be sad about. My chances are good and there are a lot of people much worse off than me. I am blessed, and I need to remind myself of this more.

On a completely unrelated topic, we are in the market for a vacuum. We tend to go through vacuums like toilet paper, so I'm looking for advice. Anyone have a good, reliable one that's lasted them more than a couple of years? Ours usually break around 10 months, or at least just stops picking up crap, and so I guess that's no different than breaking. We're tired of it. We hope to spend less than $200, and we've looked at Consum.er Re.ports and have a couple in mind, but I would appreciate any advice if you have any!

Have a great Sunday, and I'll leave you with this prayer to the Infant of Prague:

O Dear sweet Infant Jesus, I offer You my will, that You strengthen it, my mind that You inspire it; my memory that You fill it, my wishes and desires, that You cleanse them; I sacrifice to You my intentions that You guide them, all my inner and outer activities, that You make them sacred. All I am and all I have is Yours. Your love for me is my hope and trust. Hear me and grant that I may never leave you. Amen

Cycle update

Well my husband has a rare Friday off, so we actually get to go out on a Friday night like normal people! I'm looking forward to it. Before we go though, I wanted to write a little cycle update.

Today is day 13 and so far I saw five days of red stickers for my period, followed by a sixth red sticker for one day of spotting (I'm usually spotting til day eight, so this is a big improvement). I then had a dry day on day seven, which is very, very unlike me; usually I go right into mucus. Since then I've had six days of mucus, today being the sixth day.

Another difference I've seen so far this cycle is that I've had less mucus. I usually see a lot of it and pretty good quality right from the beginning. This time, while I've had it every day since day eight, it's been only once a day and not very good quality (I started with three days of 8Cx1 for all you Creightonites). It's been building up slowly, though, and so far today it was finally good (10KL).

Don't get me wrong, I'm not worried about this. In fact, I think it's a good thing! Any change is good at this point, and perhaps my screwed-up hormones caused too much mucus before. I'm excited that on day 13 I have very good quality mucus. I also have had some lower abdominal pain the last few days that seems to be building, so perhaps ovulation is near. Day 14, here I come! Maybe I'm going to begin to have textbook cycles. What a thought!

We started a novena to the Infant of Prague last night. We plan to say this novena for nine months in a row, and this is our second month so far. By the way, I finally got my statue. He's so beautiful!


I continue to pray for all of you. May God bless us with our heart's desires, but most importantly, may His will be done!

Come to Jesus

Well we had a busy weekend. We had friends and family in town for the nas.car race today. It was actually supposed to be last night, until the big bad tropical storm threatened to destroy the state of Virginia as we know it and forced the postponement of the race til today. Last night turned out to be a gorgeous night. So, instead of watching the race on a beautiful September evening, I got sun-burned this afternoon. Oh well. It was my first nas.car experience and it was fun. Loud, but fun. And hot.

I've been doing better lately, but that's probably because everyone has been here the past few days. I wasn't doing so hot before they arrived. I've been feeling sad, I assume, due to the four-year anniversary and because I've been having moments where all of a sudden I realize I may never have biological children. Don't you hate that? It's not the first time it has happened. The thoughts just sneak up on you - I could be watching t.v. or lying in bed - and all of a sudden - BAM! - it becomes crystal clear that I may never see our own genetic child. It's like all along it had been possible that this was just a dream and in that moment I realize it is definitely not. Weird.

I don't mean to be a downer. And I also want to add that despite my saddness, I still trust God. His plan is best for me, even if it hurts. In my bad times I am trying to remind myself of what was said in my mother's dream. When my mother was surprised to see me holding a baby, my grandmother told her "don't worry." We are currently saying our second novena to the Infant of Prague, and I wholly trust that He will take care of me.

Before I go, I wanted to share something that I came upon just now. Maybe it will help someone else who is struggling tonight. I absolutely love this song and it makes me cry every time.