Pigs are officially flying

My life as I knew it is over. The day I swore I would never see is here. I am going on a low-carb diet.

So I went out to buy the G.I. Diet book today and upon flipping through its pages in the aisles of my local bookstore I nearly hyperventilated. No eggs? No mayonnaise (my very favorite condiment)? No BUTTER? I had kind of assumed that this diet was like the South Beach Diet, which my entire family went on and collectively lost an entire person. But once I bought the book I realized it is like South Beach, but it is similar to phase one of South Beach. The starve-yourself-and-lose-fifteen-pounds-in-two-weeks-by-eating-nothing-but-fruit-vegetables-and-nuts phase. (And, I should add, I momentarily and mistakenly thought that chicken and turkey breast were off limits. I was like, what kind of psycho diet is this??).

I then made my way to the grocery store armed with my little book. Don't you just love being that person who has her head buried in a diet book while food shopping? I always feel like such a dork (except it's usually a Weight Watchers points calculator I'm discreetly using). So I learned a few things while shopping today: Fruit is expensive. Diet and low-carb foods are expensive. Healthy food in general is expensive. I don't know if it was due to my new medication causing me a constant dull headache or my shock at my new diet, but I walked up and down each aisle in a major daze and before I knew it, I had filled up my cart like it was nobody's business. When it started to get too heavy to push, I knew I was in trouble. So, the total bill came to just under $200, and let me just say I'm usually a $75 kind of girl, at the most.

Here's a picture of all my low glycemic food:



(Doesn't look like $200 does it?!) Some of the food is in the 'moderate' range, but none is considered 'high'. I hope. For example, bananas, pineapple, 70% cacao dark chocolate (you're allowed a couple squares and I will take them up on that offer), low-fat no-sugar-added ice cream, are all 'sometimes' foods. The low-carb pasta, tomatoes, strawberries, blueberries, whole grain bread and lettuce are all in the low category. I'm still learning about all of this, and I haven't read the book yet, so hopefully it will soon become second nature to me.

One thing is for sure - I would NEVER do this to lose weight. As much as I need and want to lose weight, I'm more of a Weight Watchers person. I like to save up points and have McDonalds or Taco Bell once in a while. But if one thing in the world can get me go on a low carb diet, it is a baby. In fact, I was in the ice cream aisle today looking at a low-fat ice cream I really wanted. I could probably have gotten it, it wouldn't have killed me. But what I should get is a low-fat, no sugar added ice cream (not getting ice cream at all is not an option). So I simply asked myself, "Do you want that ice cream more than a baby?" Ha! That's the easiest question ever! I think I'm going to put a picture of a baby on my refrigerator now that I think about it! As much as a beach-ready body is a motivator, I always cheat, and I always give up. But a baby? I'd eat bugs if it caused me to get pregnant (thank God that's not how it works!). As I said to my mother today, it's really weird to think that I'm going on a diet to try to increase my chances of getting pregnant and losing a ton of weight is just going to be a side effect. How cool is that?

My goal is to lose fifteen pounds by my next appointment. Is that nuts? It's a month and a half away, so I think I can do it. My mom said she usually loses around ten pounds in two weeks on phase one of South Beach, so this would be well within that range (by the way, she also commented that perhaps she and my sisters also have this insulin problem since this is the only type of diet that ever works for them and they, like me, CRAVE carbs). It won't be fun (I am NOT a vegetable and fruit person. Could you tell?) but I'm pretty sure I'll feel better and look better in a short time! I'll keep everyone updated!

Hallelujah!

I had the best doctor's appointment ever today. It was amazing. It turns out my new doctor is very familiar with Creighton and knows Dr. Hilgers well. Basically the doctor started off by asking us all about my situation, so we brought him up to date. I don't know how to describe it other than to say that he seemed very pumped up about tackling my situation. Very pumped up. It got us very excited! Plus he was just the nicest, most personable guy. He had me get blood work (Yay! Blood work! Every time I felt the band-aid on my arm and remembered I had bookwork this afternoon I got happy again!) and also started me on this saliva test thing that tests certain hormones. I have to spit into vials every other day! The doctor said that because they can't adhere to all of PPVI's strict standards, he has to do things a little differently (like for instance how it isn't feasible for everyone to have blood work sent to PPVI each time its taken, as I have discovered, or fly to Omaha for an ultrasound series), but that he respects PPVI and knows Dr. Hilgers is a genius. The office also has a doctor who was trained at PPVI, so he is going to go over everything with her as well.

He is going to come up with a plan for my treatment. Yay! That's what I wanted to hear! So right now, he thinks I have probably have PCOS, but I kind of got the feeling that he thought that was a good thing. Well, not necessarily good, but good in the sense that it is completely treatable. He also told us that Dr. Hilgers probably knows that I have this. He said there is a lot of evidence I have PCOS, from the fact that I produced too many follicles when I was on Clomid way back, to some ratio involving my LH being off, to the fact that I had bi-lateral endometriomas (I think he said this had to do with PCOS, but I know at least that he said they don't see bi-lateral endometriomas too often), to my testosterone being high. He thinks that we're going to find out that I have an insulin problem and he recommends me going on the G.I. diet right now (anyone have any experience with this?). He also doesn't think I have a thyroid problem, but said to just keep taking the medication for now. He is testing my prolactin to see if that has begun to lower yet, and he could tell from my charts that I'm not ovulating. He said that may be due to my high prolactin, and he definitely wasn't ready to diagnose me with LUFS. He also said I came in at the absolute perfect time - four months after my surgery and at the point where my body is just about healed, and endometriosis free - and I came in on the perfect day, because if I'd come in tomorrow it would have been too late to start the saliva test this cycle (thanks St. Gianna!).

The whole thing was completely uplifting. This doctor just seemed like he is going to tackle this. He said he's going to help me ovulate and I should be able to get pregnant. And he actually made the comment that it's not like I need to start the adoption process or anything (maybe God's way of having me put the paperwork off for a while?). And to top it all off, he prayed with us at the end of the appointment. It was amazing!

The day did take a little turn when, after we finished lunch, we noticed that our car was missing (which, I might add, is a very weird feeling). It had been towed. We had to walk several blocks to pick it up (my famous last words before we left this morning - "I can wear heels because we aren't going to be doing any walking, right?") and found a ticket on it for 50 bucks. Could have been worse (thanks again, St. Gianna!).

My next appointment is in June, but the doctor said he would call before that with my lab results. All in all, I feel great about my situation. I really do. (I'll need to come back and re-read this post when I'm feeling down). Just to hear someone tell you that this is treatable is such a breathe of fresh air! I know that some women come to the end of their treatment and still aren't able to get pregnant, but I really am starting to feel in my heart that a pregnancy is in my future. If it's not, at least I will know that we did everything we could and that it surely wasn't in God's plan for us (I know that sounds like just a thing you say to sound optimistic, but I am starting to believe it more and more each day). God is really blessing me lately with a sense of peace and I know that is because I am starting to let go. I use to think that was just another one of those things you hear about but think, 'that could never work!' Well, it does.

And I don't think it's a coincidence that this all happened on St. Gianna's feast day!

New cycle, new medication

I got my period this morning. So I had six days of spotting! That's a new record for me.

I also began my new thyroid study medication, since I had to start on day one. It's quite an undertaking, because I have to take it every twelve hours to the minute, and cannot eat for two hours before or one hour after. So I'll take it again at 10:30 tonight, 10:30 tomorrow morning, 10:30 tomorrow night, etc., etc. I was nervous picking a time this morning because I knew it was such a commitment! If I picked 10:30, then that would be the time I'd be locked into for as long as I take it! And that might sound like a safe time, but we eat dinner anywhere between 11:15-midnight (yes, I know that's weird but my husband works nights and I like to wait for him). So I think I'll be okay, since I'll be able to eat at 11:30. But I just know that for six hours a day (before and after my medication) I will be absolutely starving! It's just like on Fridays in Lent when I don't eat between meals, I am hungry ALL DAY!

I really can't wait for Monday. I'm so excited. My appointment is at 1:30 p.m., and then afterwards we're going into D.C. to eat. And it will be St. Gianna's feast day! I have to admit that last summer when I visited her shrine, I had the thought that maybe I'd become pregnant, or find out I was pregnant, on her feast day (and that seemed so far away at the time!). Well, that wasn't to be. But... now I at least have an appointment with a new doctor on that very day. God is good, despite me trying to tell Him my plans. His will be much better.

Lessening the load

On Monday - the day I had to come to terms with not having an ultrasound series and the day I really began to feel more peaceful - my husband and I ventured into a Catholic gift shop near our home (which is interesting in its own right, since Catholicism isn't that big down here, at least compared to where we used to live. I thought I'd have a much more difficult time finding a shop). So I bought a little book of healing prayers as well as a book called "Let Go". I'm not a big reader, but "Let Go" is not exactly a tough read. It's by Francois de Salignac de La Mothe Fenelon, the archibishop of Cambrai, France, during the seventeenth century. He served as a spiritual advisor to a group of people in Louis the Fourteenth's court who were facing immorality all around them. The book is a collection of letters to individuals in this group, and deals with suffering, dying to self, and finding peace and joy.

I feel like these letters were written to me. Since they are so fitting for the cross of infertility, I thought I'd share some passages from the book. Hopefully they will help others as much as they have helped me. I'll start with just one passage in this post. This one really forces me to view the cross differently:

A cross which comes from God ought to be welcomed without any concern for self. And when you accept your cross this way, even though it is painful, you will find that you can bear it in peace. But when you receive your cross unwillingly, you will find it to be doubly severe. The resistance within is harder to bear than the cross itself! But if you recognize the hand of God, and make no opposition to His Will, you will have peace in the midst of affliction. Happy indeed are they who can bear their sufferings with this simple peace and perfect submission to the will of God! Nothing so shortens and soothes suffering as this spirit of non-resistance.

But usually we want to drive a bargain with God. We would at least like to suggest some limits so that we can see an end to our sufferings. We don't realize how we are thwarting the purposes of God when we take this attitude. ... Ah! What must be His love for those who, in cheerful and absolute abandonement, give themselves completely to be crucified with Christ!

Wow! How well do I know that resisting the cross only makes the suffering doubly painful! I need to trust that to accept it will only serve to lessen the burden. It just makes so much sense. It's always more difficult when you fight something and if we look at the cross as a gift, well, we shouldn't be fighting it anyways! And I am constantly trying to "drive a bargain with God." Anyone who has read this blog can attest to that. 'God, I will gladly suffer this cross if you can let me know exactly what is going on.. and as long as you assure that I will be pregnant in a couple years.. and if you can take away the pain.. and so on and so on.' Why do I think I know better than God? There's a lot I need to work on.

As for my current cycle, I'm on day 30 and it's my sixth day in a row of spotting. Since I have no idea when my peak day was, I have no idea how many days my luteal phase has been (do you even call it that when you don't ovulate?). I'd really like to know what the spotting is caused by (probably low progesterone) and have it treated. All in due time!

Something to look forward to

So I finally spoke with my Creighton teacher. Long story short, she suggested I get a local doctor. Nothing against PPVI, but I really need a doctor I can see face to face. I need to get things moving and right now I am hitting some roadblocks with PPVI. One of the reasons they are so great is that they have very high standards - all blood work has to go through their lab and ultrasounds have to be done at their office. Well, that can be very difficult if you live outside of eastern Nebraska or western Iowa. I know this is for a good reason and I have personally suffered the consequences of a local OB/GYN who didn't know much of anything about infertility, when to draw blood, or how to read ultrasounds. I will never be that uninformed patient again. But if I just stay working solely with PPVI, I won't have an ultrasound until the end of the summer and I won't have blood drawn until who knows when.

With that being said, my Creighton educator suggested I call a well-respected pro-life OB/GYN practice a couple hours from where I live. So I did, and got an appointment for Monday. I'm excited at the prospect of hearing what someone else thinks about my situation. When we first started meeting with our Creighton educator I was reinvigorated, just to be doing something proactive. That's how I feel now. We'll see what happens, if we like the doctor, if he has any new insight for me. But at least I have something to look forward to, for the time being.

As for this past cycle, my Creighton teacher isn't quite sure when my peak day occured. She has some guesses, but my chart is really confusing this time around. She also mentioned that the yellow mucus I saw for a few days could possibly be due to something going on with my cervix. And she was also concerned that I've had five days of brown spotting again this cycle.

If the ultrasound series had worked out as planned then I probably wouldn't have ever called this doctors' office today, so perhaps God's plan is already playing out. Hopefully this is where God is leading me, and I hope this action is not one of impatience. I really want to follow the path I am supposed to, and while I need to be patient and surrender to God, I don't think that means I shouldn't make an appointment with a new doctor. Rather, surrendering means I need to work on my acceptance of the cross I've been given, no matter what is currently happening medically in my life.

I will keep praying about it and continue to place it in God's hands. If the appointment doesn't go well, then I will know it is not part of my path. I am so grateful to God that He is keeping me under His protection and I want nothing more than to follow His holy plan for me.

Pain

Well it's day 29 of my cycle and I have felt like I was nearing the end for probably over a week now (plus, I've had spotting for five days). Overnight, I woke up with a ton of pain, mainly in my legs and my abdomen. Right now I'm on the couch with the heating pad, still in a great deal of pain, now on my left side. I thought after my endometriosis surgery my heating pad days were over! I'm not sure what this means - a cyst? remaining endometriosis? or maybe this is just how pms will always feel for me? I was under the impression that pain would go away after the surgery. It's now been 3 1/2 months, so it can't be post-surgery pain still, can it?

In other news, definitely no blood draw this month. My Creighton instructor just sent me an email saying that she is calling later this morning, so at least maybe she can give me some insight into what is happening.

And it now appears to be officially too late to have my ultrasound series done. Yesterday I thought I was getting my period so we mapped it out that we'd drive up together next Monday for my baseline. But today was really the cut-off because even if I got my period today, my cycle day 10 would fall only six days before the office is scheduled to close for a week. While that may be enough time, I got the feeling they didn't want to take that risk. It's kind of sad because I started looking forward to driving up with my husband, but I'm not disappointed because only God knows what is best in this situation. It is so complicated and I trust that He has my best interest in mind. Maybe we'll be forced to find a different doctor to do the series and they'll be closer to us. Who knows?!

If anyone has any opinions on the pain I'm having, please let me know!

Unexpected peace

I really have to thank God for today. He provided me with a great sense of peace, despite bad news of much more waiting ahead of me.

I became very worried on Sunday because I felt as if I would soon be getting my period and that didn't exactly fit into my timetable. As part of an ultrasound series I would be having done this month, I needed a baseline done on cycle day five. I had hoped this would fall on one of my husband's days off, and it appeared now that it would not. So I had a lot of anxiety over the thought of driving six hours up and six hours home, in one day, all by myself.

So today I decided to call the doctor's office just to touch base with them and let them know I'd be calling to set up an appointment once I started my new cycle. When I called I got a message that said they were on the other line, but it went on to say that the office would be closed May 9 through 13! I immediately flipped out because there's a very good chance at least some of my ultrasounds would need to be done during that time period. I cried, I moped, I asked "why me?" It only reinforced my belief that there is some giant cosmic master plan to make my treatment move at a snail's pace. I told my husband, "You cannot deny that everything that can go wrong, does!" And he could not.

So a little while later I called back and spoke with someone. It turns out they are not only closed in May but then again in mid June when the doctor attends a NaPro conference in Rome, and then again for a couple weeks in July. So it appears that unless I get my period today or tomorrow and then have an ovulatory event before May 9 - or if my cycle days five, ten, 11, 12, 13, 14 and so on happen to fit in perfectly with the days the office is open in the following months - I will not be having an ultrasound series done until August at the earliest (the secretary didn't get as far as August, so the office could be closed then too).

This was very bad news, the kind of news that normally would send me into a deep depression lasting several days. But after getting off the phone, I felt a real peace come over me. I'm okay with this. I trust that God's plan is the right plan for me and that His timetable is the right timetable. I'm not sure why I trust this, but I do. (And I don't take any credit for this, by the way. If I ever feel peace, it is entirely a grace. I did nothing to deserve this other than to pray for it. I didn't read up on how to feel it or make some big concerted effort to will its happening. This was totally God.)

There is a chance it could work out that I will have the series done in the next couple weeks. As I said before, if I get my period before Thursday, I might be able to fit it in (but that is also assuming I have an ovulatory event around day 14, which may happen to a normal person but definitely isn't the way I work). I actually started to think this afternoon that I had so gotten use to the idea of not having it done, that I was starting to hope I don't get my period any time soon (what a quick transformation!).

I also plan on calling PPVI tomorrow and asking if there are any other doctors on the East Coast who can do the series. They told me last summer there weren't, but I didn't press them on it at the time. Maybe if I explain the situation there will be a less-than-perfect-but-still-viable option.

So my post-surgery phase of my treatment is moving slowly. I have kept it, as always, in my prayers and yet it still moves very, very slowly. This can only mean that God intends this pace. So I am thankful for my trust today and I hope I can keep it up. Isn't it sad how, when left to my own devices, I can't trust Him on my own? The only time I feel peace or have trust is when I am given it as a grace. I need to work on doing it on my own as well.

I will continue my novena to St. Gianna tonight. I read somewhere last night that the novena actually began a couple days ago, I guess because they want to end before her feast day. Oh well. My last night will be on her feast day and that will be fine. I'm sure she doesn't mind!