Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I'm tired, too tired to think of a good title

I'm back in VA. I've got so much I should be doing, but instead I feel like taking a day to rest. Well, at least a half-day to rest. This morning my husband had a doctor's appointment for his leg pain. The doctor was much better than the ER (obviously) and thinks it is a problem with a disc, which is probably pinching a nerve. He ordered an MRI, and my husband got in right away because the doctor called it "urgent," due to the fact that my husband's leg showed signs of weakness. So hopefully we'll hear back today or tomorrow and we're hoping surgery isn't necessary, but if it is, we'll deal with it. I just want his pain to go away and for him to return to normal.

Meanwhile, I'm tired. That's just my overall mood right now. I've had this nagging feeling lately to handle this infertility stuff better and I'm trying. I really am. But right now I'm tired physically and emotionally.

On Sunday, we had an anniversary party for my grandparents and some of my cousins had their babies there (and I should add that one of those cousins isn't married, and the other two were married well after I was. That's always nice). One baby in particular hadn't been seen yet by most of the family so, of course, a big deal was made of it. I tried to handle it well, but I couldn't help but sit there at lunch, eating lettuce and scraping the fried coating off my chicken parmesan, feeling sorry for myself. It was so clear at that moment - I was sitting there, childless, unable to eat most of the food, while everyone else could have kids and a normal diet (I know food and pregnancy are no where near each other on the importance scale, but it just made for a stark contrast). Sometimes it just doesn't seem right at all.

So there I was at the party when all of a sudden I became acutely aware of one thing - I am unable to have kids. Has anything like that ever happened to you? It's happened to me in the past and always seems to come out of nowhere. Something I live with every day, something that is most definitely not new, just all of a sudden hits me hard. I am unable to have kids. I am that woman. This is my life. It's like it hits me in my heart with a force that I must find a way to supress every other moment, without even realizing it. It's almost like an out-of-body experience, where I am, for a second, looking at myself with new eyes. And it shouldn't surprise me, but it always does. Wait a minute, are you saying I'm unable to have kids? Un-able? Like, I'm barren? And I may never have a baby to bring to family parties? I wonder if anyone there noticed that I was completely out of it for a few minutes.

On the way home (when I was by myself, of course) I cried. But this time it wasn't in a bratty way, but because I just couldn't help it. After a few minutes, I dried my tears and went on with my day.

I know I won't be pregnant any time soon, I just pray it happens some time in the years to come. I think, for many, there is a point in the infertility struggle when you go from believing it could happen each month, to struggling to maintain a shred of hope each month, to knowing it won't happen for a long time, if ever. For me, the first phase of having monthly hope probably lasted a year and a half. The phase of trying to muster up some hope lasted through the remainder of year two, and then year three was when I realized it wasn't going to happen. I'm not saying it won't happen ever, but mine is a much bigger picture. Now the struggle becomes one of patience and how to handle what will likely be a long wait. So I'm now trying to focus on the small things - like that my chart looks much more normal, my temperature appears to be doing the right thing, and I'm on medication for PCOS. Things are looking up lately. Not for a pregnancy any time soon, but for a pregnancy some day.

Alright, sorry to ramble. My husband left the room a while ago and I'm hoping he fell asleep, but I should go see if he's okay. Hopefully I'll have some good news about him tomorrow.

8 comments:

  1. I hope hubby gets better!! That is so weird, how that came out of nowhere.

    Yes, I do get that sudden realization from time to time. And it's always exactly as you described. It happened yesterday when I was watching this cute YouTube video someone had sent me, of 2 little boys (around 2 1/2 and maybe 7 months)... in the middle of laughing at how cute they were acting... I started to sob. I mean SOB! It was so weird. I just kept thinking, "I may never get to watch my own kids behaving like this."
    I think family occassions are always hard when there are family babies around. I wish I knew how to make it easier for you, and for all of us. And I can relate to the diet/infertility analogy, too. I often get mad when I see other women (with babies) sitting around eating whatever they want... and here I am trying to fill my diet with non-meat protein, full fat milk products, whole grains, etc. I often wonder if these women realize just how lucky they are, to have perfect health and fertility. (Of course they don't.)

    Shoot. I was supposed to be trying to make you feel better.

    Well, just keep praying for guidance. And I'll keep praying for you, too. I guess that's the best thing I can offer right now.

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  2. I'll be praying that they identify a cause for your husband's pain and fix it soon! I think it's good that you've found a positive way to think about things even if your hope isn't high right now.

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  3. I TOTALLY get it. In fact, many times when I was working for that family last year, that thought would hit me like a ton of bricks and I'd struggle to keep it together. I understand how it feels to cry uncontrollably, too, because it's too much to take.

    BUT with that said, I do want to reassure you. I really, really believe you will conceive. Not just out of a gut feeling, but also because you are dealing with each and every problem one by one. And I think that treating PCOS with the Met is the last step thing between you and your baby. I know how it feels to lose all hope. That's where I'm at right how. Just trying to make it through life, redirect, keep my faith strong somehow. Praying for you.

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  4. I'm so sorry about your hubby. Hopefully it all turns out ok and it's nothing too serious. Keep us updated.

    As for the other stuff. I totally know what you mean. When it hits you, it hits hard. It's almost like you're looking at yourself from everyone else's perspective. It is an overwhelming feeling when you really start thinking that it could never happen. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that...especially at an event like that. But for some reason those are the kinds of things that trigger it for me too.

    I do have such high hopes for you though, since your cycles are looking so much better. So I will pray that you will find some hope still left, deep down!!!

    "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a HOPE and a future." Jer. 29:11

    Hugs to you!!!!!

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  5. I've had those out-of-body realization times too. I had one a few months after my husband was diagnosed with very low motility. I think I even blogged about it. I think we have a tendency to go through life not really believing "that" (insert whatever horrible thing you want) will never happen to us. Then, when it does we go numb for a while before it hits us. At least, that seems to be how it has happened to me.

    I really hope your husband feels better soon and that the problem is an easy fix!

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  6. Oh forgot to say - I am SO sorry your husband is struggling. will pray for him. keep us posted.

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  7. Hi,
    I know it has been awhile since I posted any responses on your blog site although I do keep up to date with it when I have time…I have been praying for you and your struggles with infertility. It is such a cross! I really understand what you mean by “the thought just hitting you” as it were. Sometimes I have the same thoughts as you. Especially I have noticed since I have been nannying here in Richmond for the last six weeks. I am surrounded by pregnant mommies and their children all the time and sometimes I just think “I am the only one here unable to conceive” and it honestly feels like a punched in the stomach. Almost unbearable I have to say. My Dh and I just celebrated our 4th anniversary. Anyhow I don’t mean for this post to sound “down in the dumps” but I did want to let you know your not alone. My husband and I are in transition to moving to Richmond. He will be teaching at St. Benedicts school, so I already took a job in Richmond so as to save money for PPVI in Aug. Anyways, here is my email if you’d like to meet for coffee or something sometime. ambermassett@yahoo.com
    God bless,
    Amber

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  8. Hi,
    I know it has been awhile since I posted any responses on your blog site although I do keep up to date with it when I have time…I have been praying for you and your struggles with infertility. It is such a cross! I really understand what you mean by “the thought just hitting you” as it were. Sometimes I have the same thoughts as you. Especially I have noticed since I have been nannying here in Richmond for the last six weeks. I am surrounded by pregnant mommies and their children all the time and sometimes I just think “I am the only one here unable to conceive” and it honestly feels like a punched in the stomach. Almost unbearable I have to say. My Dh and I just celebrated our 4th anniversary. Anyhow I don’t mean for this post to sound “down in the dumps” but I did want to let you know your not alone. My husband and I are in transition to moving to Richmond. He will be teaching at St. Benedicts school, so I already took a job in Richmond so as to save money for PPVI in Aug. Anyways, here is my email if you’d like to meet for coffee or something sometime. ambermassett@yahoo.com
    God bless,
    Amber

    ReplyDelete