Infertility and eternity

I remember many conversations with my husband throughout the early years of our infertility struggle that would always go the same way. I would be crying asking 'why' and he would eventually land on the one response he'd always land on - "You will be rewarded in Heaven."

Oh, no, he didn't.

In the midst of losing it ('Eternity?? You're trying to comfort me with eternity??'), I would always say something like, 'I don't want to wait until then! I want it now!'

Thankfully, I can look back on those days and admit that the 'it" I was actually referring to probably, honestly, wasn't children. It was more likely comfort, relief, happiness.

It's amazing how far God has brought me. On one hand it is a reminder of how long this journey has been, but on the other, it is a weight off of my shoulders to know that I have grown and I'm not the same person who was stuck in a spiritual rut. I wasn't able to have hope back then.

Just this morning I was at breakfast with a friend and we were reflecting on how we are better off due to infertility (surprising, I know; a conversation I wouldn't have had even a year ago). We remarked that we both now see the value in suffering and that we wouldn't have the faith we have today if not for this struggle. It's true. I really believe God strips us of our comforts in order for us to rely completely on him. On an earthly level this might seem harsh, but if we look at it from Heaven's perspective, it isn't harsh at all. Actually, it's a blessing.

I think that was my problem for so long - my world view was completely flipped upside down. Here on earth, we are conditioned to want comfort. We want to be comfortable while we're here and we want things (whether it be a loving husband, a nice house or children) that bring us comfort in this life. Not all of those things are bad - obviously wanting love and babies are not material items - but I still wanted them to make my life here better. The problem with that is that I wasn't thinking in terms of God's point of view. What God wants for us is much simpler - for us to love others as ourselves and, ultimately, for us to join him in eternity. There are many ways God may have in mind for us to get to that end result, and when I began to look at life from that perspective, everything shifted.

Suddenly it made more sense to me why God would give me this time of great suffering - it is directly related to my sanctification. And that, and not my earthly comfort and happiness, is what he is concerned with. If the goal is our sanctification, it makes so much sense why things we would consider blessings (children, spouses, health) aren't just handed out to everyone. Yes, God wants us to be happy because we are his children and he loves us, but I'm not sure our happiness in this life is tops on his list (and obviously our definition of happiness probably doesn't always mesh with his). I'm sure there are many people who were happy in this life who did not end up in Heaven.

He wants us to have joy, and true joy is found in times of wealth and also in times of despair. It is not dependent on what is around us. I need only to look at the lives of the saints to know this is true.

A month or two ago, Ryan and I were talking about how so many people are blessed with fertility and how it is easy for people in our situation to think that God has forgotten us. But he asked me to look at infertility in a different light, to turn it upside-down. He said what if we are the blessed ones? What if, from Heaven's perspective, it is a blessing to be given suffering and a difficult journey that forces us to rely on God? What if in Heaven, souls rejoice when hardship is handed out and people on earth respond in a holy way? What if our suffering makes getting into Heaven just a little bit easier? What if we had less suffering but a more difficult time finding God in the midst of our comfortable lives?

That made me begin to truly look at this experience as a blessing. If it helped my path to Heaven, would I trade it? Of course not.

Four, three, even two years ago, this wouldn't have helped me. Actually, it would have made me angry! Thankfully, God has allowed me to see the value in this now and while it might not always be an immediate pick-me-up to remember eternity, I'm a lot more open to the concept, even on bad days. It just helps to think there is more out there, that our hopes and dreams and future won't end when we hit menopause without having conceived. It helps to remember that our focus in this life should be on Heaven and that possibly, God is providing us with an easier path to that end.