Dealing with the diagnosis

So it's been more than 24 hours since getting my long-awaited diagnosis. I'm doing pretty well, considering, but I have been feeling a little sorry for myself at times. My thoughts have ranged from, 'why me?' to 'why can't it just be endometriosis?' to 'why did God make me want children if I can't have them?' I've been doing a whole lot of comparing myself to others, which is always good, and my pregnant-woman and mother-with-kid-in-stroller radar has been extra sensitive and seeing them has been extra painful.

Hopefully this will all subside. Hopefully, through prayer, I will find peace with this. There's a lot wrong with me and I might never get pregnant. That's the reality. Part of me wants to stop hoping and move on. But, for some weird reason, I don't feel like moving forward with adoption yet (which leads me to another question: 'if adoption is the only way we'll be parents, then why won't God place it on my heart?' It would be so much easier if woke up tomorrow knowing I should adopt).

So now I am left, once again, mourning this. In the last nearly four years I've experienced the death of the dream of being a young mother, the death of the dream of getting pregnant easily, the death of the dream of being pregnant in my twenties, the death of the dream of having my infertility fixed easily.. fixed by my first surgery.. fixed by my second surgery.. fixed by my prolactin medication. Each time I mourn. Each time I try to see value in such a sad situation, and look toward the future.

This is the least amount of hope I've ever had. It's interesting though, because it's like my mind won't let me think about it. I'm not thinking in grand terms. I'm not thinking about living my life childless, or what I'll miss out on. I am, by the grace of God, living in the moment and just thinking about picking up my medication in the morning. That's all I can do if I want to maintain my sanity.

I'm also focusing on finding joy. My husband has been great. He's made a concerted effort to make sure we've had fun the past two days. We went to lunch yesterday and went shopping. We don't have a lot of money, but he let me buy some new clothes yesterday (I have officially dropped two pants sizes!). I need to focus on my weight loss, and use it as a way to get my mind off of other things.

I have also drowned my sorrows in low-G.I., low-fat, and low-calorie brownies. They are truly amazing. I've had about three today, which is my version of going absolutely crazy. I've been like, 'I just don't care! Bring on another healthy brownie!'

I also received some help from a post on another blog. Bobbi from Revolution of Love actually came across my blog, and posted today on her own about her struggle with infertility. I think the post is incredibly insightful and what she said really struck me. I love tangible advice on how to make the suffering easier. Here's an excerpt:

When I suffered through this pain, I just tried to take all my tears and offer them to Our Lady. I told her I couldn’t make sense of any of it but please take it all as my prayer to God. Learning to embrace this suffering is like spiritual childbirth. The pain comes in incredible waves that at once seem to overwhelm you. You just have to go with it and focus on Christ and know that the pain has a purpose and will eventually end. Like childbirth, there are times when the suffering subsides and you feel better. Then here comes another spiritual contraction and you are engulfed by the suffering all over again. Just breathe. Focus on Christ. Cry out if need be, but remember that it will be over soon. You just need to hang in there and keep at it. Let Our Lady be your midwife. She’ll comfort you and support you because she knows acutely the pain of spiritual anguish. She will help you through.

I'm going to really try to remember this. I'll offer my tears to Our Lady. I'll focus on Christ. This also made me realize that I don't need to make sense of it. I think I use up a lot of energy trying to make sense of it all, and if I let myself off the hook with that, well, that kind of feels like a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders.

I know this post probably sounds pretty defeatist. While I am struggling with just how much hope I should continue to have, it isn't all bad. I shouldn't give the impression that there's no chance I'll get pregnant. I know this medication could work. The diet could work even faster. God could work a miracle. Technically, it wouldn't even qualify as a miracle, which is a good way to look at it! Women in my situation get pregnant. I may not, but I also may.

Okay, my post tomorrow will be more positive. I promise!