A new endeavor

I've alluded to something this week and I want to be more open about it because I don't keep secrets from you. I really don't, actually. My life is an open book.

Okay, so the semi-secret I've been keeping (that you've all probably figured out by now, anyways) is this: We started the adoption process.

In the past, I've been one to really struggle with adoption. I was worried about everything - Would I love the child? Would he/she love me? Would an open adoption make me not feel like the real mother? Would I still struggle with emotions surrounding infertility and would this be unfair to the child?

Finally, last month we came to a crossroads. I prayed and prayed and prayed about it, and brought up the topic a few times to my husband. I think I wanted him to talk me into it. At least, I wanted to work through my issues with it, because I knew they weren't healthy.

So one day we were in the car on the way to adoration (I was having a hard time and wanted to pray specifically about adoption), and we started discussing it once again. I brought up my "issues" and my husband actually started to get testy with me. That's not like him. Well, don't get the wrong impression, we fight all the time! But we rarely are on different pages when it comes to our infertility struggle. He's always been on board with whatever I wanted to do, or not do. At this point, though, it was becoming clear that Ryan wanted to move forward with adoption and I was holding him back.

I suddenly realized that I was robbing him of being a father. If I could do this for him, then suddenly it cleared up my "issues" with it. I don't mean that to sound trivial, like I'm going to raise a child just to make my husband happy, despite me not wanting to do it. That's not the case at all! It's just that when I need a little shove, it helps to think that what I'm doing will make someone else happy. To do it out of love for my husband makes me more motivated and it makes my problems with it seem really silly.

I didn't tell him that that night, though. I thought about it long and hard and a few days later I told him over lunch. He was really excited. We talked about some of my as-of-yet-still-unspoken worries about it ('would our families love the baby as much as their biological grandchildren/nieces/nephews' really weighed on me for some reason, not that our families aren't made up of completely loving people. They are. It was more a reflection of my own insecurities and was just one of those things I needed to voice and talk about).

We went home and finished the initial paperwork, dropped it off at the agency with a check for $100, and waited. Finally, we got a letter in the mail asking for our marriage license, which I copied and mailed immediately (I don't usually move that fast, but I'm going to stay on top of this!). Next, we got a letter from our social worker telling us to call to set up our first home study appointment. We did, and it is scheduled for next Tuesday morning.

I've heard/read a lot lately from other bloggers about how they'd like to adopt, but they have found the process to be too difficult and/or expensive. I truly can say that's not the case for us, which I'm starting to think is maybe a sign this is God's plan.

The agency we are going through charges 10% of your salary. That's pretty reasonable (especially for us, since I don't have a salary!). From listening to my friend who just used the same agency, the process is pretty easy and doesn't require a ton of paperwork and running all over putting documents together (which is how I used to picture it, and is also how I've heard international can be in some cases). From start to finish, our friends' process took only about six months.

We hope to complete the home study process (two visits to the office, one to our house) by the end of the year. That's just our hope, but we'll probably find out if that's realistic at our first appointment. After that, who knows how long we'll wait.

As for the child, we will most likely get a newborn, since that is how this agency works. While that is exciting, I'm kind of nervous about it, since watching our friends' heartbreaking experience with their adoption. Perhaps we can say we don't want a high-risk adoption (for example, if there is any chance the birthfather will object).

We are also open to any race. Instead of narrowing it down, we just personally feel called to keep it open and let God decide for us. In all my indecision, that feeling has been pretty constant.

The reason I was hesitant to post about this at first was because I was afraid I'd change my mind. I've started and stopped the adoption process about four times (although we've never gotten this far) and I just didn't want to 'cry wolf' again. And I didn't want to feel pressure to continue on with it if I wasn't sure. I could totally see myself moving forward, despite hesitation, simply because our families and my blogging friends knew. Put it this way - I'd never be the girl to call off an engagement.

So I'm telling you now because I am sure. We are doing this.

I've thought a lot about it in the past month, and I no longer feel that adoption means we're giving up. What adoption means to us is that we want to be parents now. I don't mean that to sound impatient; we are constantly praying that God make this process move as fast or as slow as he wills. We want our baby, and we will wait as long as it takes for that.

Yesterday's appointment solidified this. We are still actively involved in fighting infertility and getting me healthy. Thankfully, our agency doesn't require us to stop fertility treatments in order to adopt (which is a topic I could go on and on about. I think that sort of policy is silly, demeaning and discriminating to couples dealing with infertility. Not to mention, I'd have to treat my PCOS even if I didn't want any kids!)

Let me know if you want any specific information about what agency we are working with or any of the details of the process.

The focus of this blog will still be to chronicle my struggle with infertility, with adoption being a part of that. I hope this doesn't sound bad, but I still very much want to conceive a biological child. I am just someone who is trying to follow God's will, and things have recently lead me to believe adoption may be God's will for us. If not, I pray he will make it known to us or perhaps we'll hit roadblocks along the way. The important thing is that we trust in him. He, alone, is in charge of shaping our family and we wouldn't want it any other way!

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I also just wanted to say thank you, thank you, thank you for caring about my appointment yesterday and for sharing in my excitement!

I also wanted to reiterated something I wrote yesterday, and something a few people commented on as well - that while my journey may not seem like the quickest path to a pregnancy, it is a truly healthy one. I am, with diet and the help of medication, changing my hormones and fixing my PCOS from the inside out. I commend anyone who is considering changing their diet to increase their fertility. It is just amazing how much diet affects our hormones, and it is a way to have some sense of control over something that we really have no control over. It's a way to feel like we are helping.

With that in mind, I have a new link on the right-hand side of my blog where I've posted all of my Low G.I. recipes and some diet advice (or you can also click here). So that I didn't have a super-long new post today, I back-dated it to Oct. 1. Please check back as well, because I will add new recipes when I get them.

Have a great night!