Remember when I said I was going to be patient and wait out the next six to nine months? Well, my first cycle isn't even over and I've already lost all hope.
I know, I'm nuts. But here's what's going on: It's cycle day 18 and I've had mucus eleven days in a row. Yesterday was my best mucus day so far, and so I hoped today would be a dry day, indicating yesterday as my peak, and I hoped my temp would be high this morning, all perfectly indicating ovulation.
But, that was not to be.
My temp did rise a little to 97.8 (it had been 97.6 for several days), but that's not nearly enough of a spike to indicate ovulation. Then, despite me trying to will my mucus to stop today, I've had some twice.
So why did I want my mucus to stop? I guess because yesterday, day 17, would have been a better day to ovulate. I had a lot of good quality mucus, it was my tenth day of it and I had some appropriate ovulation pain. Today, day 18, seems a little bit too late and eleven days of mucus seems a little bit too long.
I'm obviously trying to control a situation out of my control. And I'm bad, really bad. Have you ever found yourself trying to manipulate your chart? I actually don't look as hard for mucus on days I don't want to find any, and I look much closer on days I really want some. I also play mind-games with myself, and alter the definition of lubraticative depending on how it benefits me. And this morning when I wasn't happy with my 97.8 temperature, I tried to go back to sleep and re-test until I got something more acceptable. On my third try I came up with 98.0. I'm actually trying to manipulate it, which makes even less sense when you consider that lying about my chart isn't going to help me! It's not like I'm going to get pregnant because my ovaries are going to see my chart and say 'oh, I guess she wants us to ovulate today'!
I swear, infertility makes you nuts! At least that's what it has done to me.
So I'm not sure when I will ovulate this cycle or if I even will and that, of course, is stressing me out.
I know I need to remind myself that my body could still be using this cycle to get back to normal. My doctor didn't say six to nine months for no reason!
I need to go to bed early tonight so I've got to wrap this up. But I am going to leave you with a thought - tonight I was this close to having my face.book status say "K. is barren." I'm also thinking about "K. is jealous of those of you who are fertile", "K. is almost 32 and childless," or "K. is dealing with depression due to infertility." Can you picture one of them amidst all the typical light-hearted status updates? People would think I had lost my mind.
You can see what kind of day it's been.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Patience? What patience?
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Oh, I'm so with you! This Sunday I was crying to my husband that I felt like we would never become parents. Fortunately, he talked me out of it pretty quickly!
ReplyDeleteI totally try to manipulate my temperature! I usually only remember to take it at the very end of a cycle (to give myself early warning--I can't take HPTs because of the hCG injections). And if it's low or in-between, I will take it over and over, sleep a bit more . . .
I'm sorry you're having that kind of day!
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ReplyDelete(Sorry for the deleted comment... whenever I try to comment from my work computer, something always seems to get screwed up!)
ReplyDeleteDitto! I think a lot of us can relate to everything you posted. So if nothing else, hopefully you can take solace in the fact that you're not alone.
Recently I was telling a friend how there isn't always a rhyme or reason to my moods - of course hormones and fertility drugs play a part in this! But I'm sure that grace does as well. Somes days I feel pretty content with the world and my situation and I KNOW this is the Spirit at work within me.
I hope and pray that you are filled with God's grace during these difficult (and often crazy) times.
I agree, Infertility makes us looopy! Don't loose hope, maybe after a good nights rest you'll feel better.
ReplyDeleteMy period is last this month, and another negative pregnancy test, so i've been doing all the tricks i think work to pring it on. Long baths, not too hot, 1 mile walks every day, no caffeine, etcc.. See i'm loopy too!
((((((K))))))
ReplyDeleteHere we are, living our parallel universes again.
ReplyDeleteLast night was a total disaster for us, too.
All that hope and optimisim from the dinner the night before with you guys --- vanished! I was so upset -- crying and all like the old days... guess it was PMS since I started this morning.
I actually feel better about things in general.
As for your mucus this late in the cycle, perhaps you really did ovulate the day before but still had mucus the following day? They say the mucus correlates within a day of ovulation so it could be the day before, the day of, or the next day. I would actally defer to the ovulation pains over the mucus for pinpointing the day. (are you charting your pain?)
And I am not a person who believes that early ovulation is necessarily better. Ovulation is ovulation and people get pregnant all different days. The important thing is that you do ovulate and I believe you are!
Hi! I came across your blog (I dont' even remember how...searching endo stuff I guess). I was diagnosed with endometriosis almost 2 years ago after I had my daughter. Anyway, my sister has had problems getting pregnant. First time it took her 1 1/2- 2 years (tried clomid and all that stuff). She did a cleanse and became pregnant one month after her cleanse. She has tried to get pregnant for almost 14 months her second time around and she just did that cleanse again and got pregnant IMMEDIATELY after. (I wonder if she has endometriosis as well, as I know this runs in families). I just wanted to let you know in case you might be interested in doing it. You can contact me at eatonk8@gmail.com and my blog is www.jkeeaton.blogspot.com but you will have to send me your email address if you want to view it. You can see my sis's blog at http://bradandshelley.blogspot.com/. (don't comment about her pregnancy because NO one knows yet except me and her husband)... Thanks!
ReplyDeleteHA HA HA!! I'm sorry but i think that is soo funny!! Please note that i'm not laughing at you at all, it's just that i find myself doing the exact same thing!! oh my it's just so funny!! I think if i keep wiping i'll get the result i want, and then i think if i stare at it it'll change to what i want it to be..I don't think we are nuts i think if there's enough of us feeling the same way then it's the other people that are nuts!! HA HA.
ReplyDeleteCourage my friend you are not nuts!
I wish you lots of peace (especially during this crazy time)
eilyn
Please don't take offense that I am laughing my butt off right now... just the way you described manipulating the charts, and talking yourself out of less-than-ideal observations/temps is SOOOO familiar :) All I can say is that you are very brave for even having a Facebook account. I have vowed to NOT get one until I have some happy news in my life. Bad enough my MySpace acct has the quote: "I would die for that."
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with everyone else, because I was lauging my butt off as I read this! If I play with my mucus long enough it will do what I want it to do!! When I was doing NFP and taking my temp, there were times my thermometer would get thrown across my room on at 530am on a Saturday morning! Or the freakish days that my period would come at like 8pm on the 28th day! Oh yeah, I even called my girlfriends and say I think I'm pregnant!!! In the bathroom 15 times within 8 hours! Hilarious!!!
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh we're all nuts! This last cycle I tried to roast myself under my down comforter all night to get a high temp. Crazy, crazy, crazy!
ReplyDeleteYes! When I've gotten low temps the couple days before my period lately, I've tried to convince myself it was either because of the AC in the summer or the cold weather now!! Then I go back under the covers to retake it, too.
ReplyDeleteAnd I came close with my facebook page, too. I ended up putting something about trying not to pout because I don't want wrinkles.
Apparently we are all experiencing the same things, because I just read all of the comments and I feel a lot better about myself. I mean, sometimes I sit there and I stare at the tissue, and then I realize I am in a public restroom just starting at toilet paper.
ReplyDeleteI second guess myself all the time with what type of mucus it is. Oh, and I definitely lean towards lubricative during certain times. I am sort of a perfectionist, so the inconsistency I feel in my charting drives me nuts. I mean, I try to determine the type of mucus at that exact moment, but I find myself analyzing it later in the day, and then by the time I am charting, I have confused myself! This may sound gross, but it's like I want to submit pictures of the mucus for a "professional" to determine it, so that it is accurate! (Then I realize how creepy that is.) :)
Yes, infertility makes us crazy.
LOL! I have so been there with the Facebook thing! Everyone is always so chipper and whatnot. "Crystal is...melting because her daughter just said hi mommy this morning" "John is so proud that his son scored a touchdown in his football game today" oh yeah!!!! Well, "KC is at home in bed recovering from having her uterus scrapped out for the 2nd time just to have a 0.0001% chance of pregnancy" Take that! Yeah, thank God He gave me the strength to resist!
ReplyDeleteOh geez, I do that too! I want so badly to see any sign that my body is actually ovulating, I'll keep poking at the tissue paper, hoping I can magically see what I want to see. And I keep checking the battery in my thermometer, to make sure the thing is working right, lol.
ReplyDelete