Well it has been a bad day. Actually, it's pretty much been a bad month. I had been doing so well through the spring and summer that this has caught me by surprise. I just so desperately want to be okay with not having biological children and I currently feel so very far from being okay with that.
I'm pretty much inconsolable at the moment. I'm depressed about my infertility. I'm depressed about not having peace with my infertility. I'm depressed about having to adopt. I'm depressed about not being okay with adoption. Here are just some of the thoughts currently swirling around in my mind:
- I have no idea how I'm going to be able to live the rest of my life like this.
- If I have to suffer through infertility, then why can't God just open my heart to adoption?
- I can't have kids AND I can't eat good food.
- It's just not fair.
- I am not as good as women who can get pregnant.
- I will never experience something that "those" women are able to, and often take for granted.
- I can't believe I am missing out on one of the fundamental things in the life of a human being.
- I just want to be normal.
- I just want to experience a pregnancy. Just once.
Uggghhh! I am so not a saint! Could you imagine what St. Therese would think of me if she were here today? Probably what all of you are thinking - that I'm a complainer!
I'm just having such a hard time right now and I am finding it very difficult to pull myself out of this. Nothing helps me anymore, not even success stories. Some people get pregnant on Clomid. Some people get pregnant after removing their endometriosis. Some people get pregnant after starting a diet. Some people get pregnant after starting met. For me, every treatment, every medication comes and goes, and I'm still in the same boat. Sure, I haven't been on the met too long, but it seems like people who do get pregnant on it get pregnant shortly after starting it. I just remember my doctor really seemed to imply that fixing my ovaries would be an uphill battle. They way he described them as slow, and the way he implied that my late progesterone rise was kind of rare, has really stuck with me since the appointment. I know my chances aren't good and I'm angry.
Oh ya, it's also cycle day one. That really has nothing to do with my feelings (other than maybe it has affected my hormones) because I honestly don't have a shot at being pregnant from month to month, but it's always a nice reminder of my failure as a human being.