Well it has been a bad day. Actually, it's pretty much been a bad month. I had been doing so well through the spring and summer that this has caught me by surprise. I just so desperately want to be okay with not having biological children and I currently feel so very far from being okay with that.
I'm pretty much inconsolable at the moment. I'm depressed about my infertility. I'm depressed about not having peace with my infertility. I'm depressed about having to adopt. I'm depressed about not being okay with adoption. Here are just some of the thoughts currently swirling around in my mind:
- I have no idea how I'm going to be able to live the rest of my life like this.
- If I have to suffer through infertility, then why can't God just open my heart to adoption?
- I can't have kids AND I can't eat good food.
- It's just not fair.
- I am not as good as women who can get pregnant.
- I will never experience something that "those" women are able to, and often take for granted.
- I can't believe I am missing out on one of the fundamental things in the life of a human being.
- I just want to be normal.
- I just want to experience a pregnancy. Just once.
Uggghhh! I am so not a saint! Could you imagine what St. Therese would think of me if she were here today? Probably what all of you are thinking - that I'm a complainer!
I'm just having such a hard time right now and I am finding it very difficult to pull myself out of this. Nothing helps me anymore, not even success stories. Some people get pregnant on Clomid. Some people get pregnant after removing their endometriosis. Some people get pregnant after starting a diet. Some people get pregnant after starting met. For me, every treatment, every medication comes and goes, and I'm still in the same boat. Sure, I haven't been on the met too long, but it seems like people who do get pregnant on it get pregnant shortly after starting it. I just remember my doctor really seemed to imply that fixing my ovaries would be an uphill battle. They way he described them as slow, and the way he implied that my late progesterone rise was kind of rare, has really stuck with me since the appointment. I know my chances aren't good and I'm angry.
Oh ya, it's also cycle day one. That really has nothing to do with my feelings (other than maybe it has affected my hormones) because I honestly don't have a shot at being pregnant from month to month, but it's always a nice reminder of my failure as a human being.
I am just so so so sorry......I dare not even leave any comment in your previous posts for fear of 'jinx-ing' you or whatsoever....
ReplyDeleteIf it 'helps' in anyway, my temp dropped this morn so I do know mine will be due SOON
I know WHAT you mean and HOW you feel. We just want to be Normal!!!
I ever prayed that I may even have a miscarriage because, hey, at least it means I CAN get pregnant!
I just want so very much to be pregnant, and hold our own baby in arms....
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry you are feeling so down. I completely understand though. I've pretty much felt every one of those thoughts at some point or another. Most of them MANY MANY times!
ReplyDeleteIt really does suck and it doesn't seem fair. And it's not that is doesn't even seem fair...it's absolutely not fair.
I can promise you this though, that God is capable of taking away your pain even though it may not seem that way right now.
I too couldn't bear the thought of going through life with so much pain...constantly. But God has blessed me immensley in that he has already taken away a lot of it. I'm not saying I'm perfect or that I never get a twinge of pain, but it is not the all encompassing/overwhelming pain it once was.
So even though I can't take your pain away, please take comfort in the fact that God is all powerful and he can not only allow you to become pregnant someday, but he can also lessen your pain too. And for your sake, I truly hope He finds it in His mercy to do either one for you very soon!
Hugs!
I know that nothing I say will help much right now. I just wanted to let you know that I just said a prayer for you and will keep doing so. Sending you HUGS and hopefully Peace soon!!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I wish the pain would go for you. I know how you feel. I was there once. You mustn't see yourself as less than the beautiful person that you are. You are a beautiful person inside and out with so many wonderful gifts and so much love to share. God will bless you with a child - I just know it. Trust in God. Take comfort in him. He knows the desires of your heart and only wants good for you.
ReplyDeleteI know all the emotions that you are feeling and it is so hard when they are all swirling around inside you. It almost over takes your life. I've been there. I used to lay in bed and cry because I felt like a horrible wife and woman in general for not being able to give my spouse a child. The thing that helped me the most was doing what the doctor said and then finding a new project to totally focus on and take my mind off of things. I started the Metformin and I went back to school at the same time. It helped me and took my mind off of things. When I finally ended up pregnant - it really took my by surprise because I hadn't been thinking about it so much. During those months in school - I was actually somewhat my old self and joyful.
Tons of prayers going your way! I know that God will help you to not be so sad or so angry. You just have to let him. I believe me, I know how difficult that can be...
All I can say is I've been there, and I know I'll be there again. I wish this was a pain no one had to suffer, it's brutal. I also wish I could say it gets easier, but it dosen't. You have moments of being "ok" with not having kids but they are fleeting........you are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteGod hasn't forgotten about you.
ReplyDeleteYou will make an excellent mother one day to the child that God has destined to be yours.
We will all get through this one way or another. When things are really, really dark inside, all we can do is pray for the mercy of the Lord.
And that is what I'll do for you right now.
Read my latest blog- I know I was meant to share this story with you specifically :)
ReplyDeleteAs for the mood, I do understand, trust me. I often feel that even though I may not have been TTC as long as some NaPro success stories, I certainly have been under NaPro treatment longer than most of them! But I know that I would not be where I am today, in my ministry, if life had followed "my" plan. I keep trying to focus on that when things get tough.
And St. Therese would relate more to you than you may think! She was the youngest child, and was used to getting things her way... her epiphany came after she threw a hissy fit on Christmas Eve. But she can certainly understand all of our little frustrations- and she is helping us with them every day :)
(((((Hugs))))
ReplyDelete