Things can change so quickly. One second I'm in a fabulous mood having made a few great sale purchases this afternoon (including a pair of pants at G.ap for $4.97! What's not to be happy about that?) and then the next second I am down in the dumps. I'm in one of those 'why me?' moods, which is always fun.
But...I am going to use this as a learning experience. It's a great chance to put into action everything that I always talk about - trusting in God, drawing closer to Him, using suffering as an opportunity for growth. I always seem to talk about these things when I'm in a great mood and conveniently forget them when I'm depressed. It usually goes a little like this: Whoa is me. I'm so sad. I can't think straight. I can't do anything but sit here and think of all the bad things about my life, mainly that I'm BARREN. And I'm ugly and no one loves me.*
You get my point. So instead of falling into that rut, I am going to go into the office and get my Bible. Any time now. As soon as I finish this typing this. And, no, I'm not putting it off by posting about suffering well instead of actually suffering well. Okay, here I go. I'll update my progress shortly.
Update: Well I already feel better, even though I put off reading the Bible for about two hours (I did hem some pants, though). I calmed down as soon as I decided to view my suffering as an opportunity, rather than a curse. What a great chance to just crawl humbly to God and beg for His help. Knowing myself, if things were going great and moving right along like I wanted, I probably would forget all about God. Of course I'd still go to Mass, but without deep suffering, I'd probably never approach Him like I need to now.
I basically just skimmed through the Bible, but it did help. I always try to find something I can relate to infertility (big surprise). Tonight, something that struck me were all the healing stories in the Gospels. I've read these many, many times before, always selfishly looking for some clue to bring about my own healing, of course. What I realized tonight, though, (and I know this is obvious, but sometimes it's the obvious thing that pops out to you in a new way) is that it all comes back to faith. Every single healing story is about faith.
Now, I'm definitely not saying if I try harder to reach some level of superior faith that I'll get pregnant; my healing may come as spiritual or emotional healing. I just feel like I have not fully prepared myself to be open to God's healing powers, no matter what form they come in. I still want things my way. I don't have faith that God's path is the right way. Deep down, I think I sometimes wonder if God has just forgotten about me and my life has veered off in the wrong direction while He wasn't watching. Not until I trust that He has purposely laid out this path for me, and that He has blessed it and is walking it with me, will I be able to say I truly have faith. Right now, I know this in my head, but it hasn't sunk in to my heart just yet.
It's just something to ponder.
*Speaking of no one loving me...If, in the heat of battle, you tell someone you hate them, should you go to confession before you take communion again? Someone I know said it in a fight because their hormones were going nuts and obviously didn't mean it, even though they told the other person they did, in fact, mean it. They actually love their husband very, very much. I'm serious, though. Is this a mortal sin? This person does plan to go to confession very soon. They promise.