Sunday, September 7, 2008

Come to Jesus

Well we had a busy weekend. We had friends and family in town for the nas.car race today. It was actually supposed to be last night, until the big bad tropical storm threatened to destroy the state of Virginia as we know it and forced the postponement of the race til today. Last night turned out to be a gorgeous night. So, instead of watching the race on a beautiful September evening, I got sun-burned this afternoon. Oh well. It was my first nas.car experience and it was fun. Loud, but fun. And hot.

I've been doing better lately, but that's probably because everyone has been here the past few days. I wasn't doing so hot before they arrived. I've been feeling sad, I assume, due to the four-year anniversary and because I've been having moments where all of a sudden I realize I may never have biological children. Don't you hate that? It's not the first time it has happened. The thoughts just sneak up on you - I could be watching t.v. or lying in bed - and all of a sudden - BAM! - it becomes crystal clear that I may never see our own genetic child. It's like all along it had been possible that this was just a dream and in that moment I realize it is definitely not. Weird.

I don't mean to be a downer. And I also want to add that despite my saddness, I still trust God. His plan is best for me, even if it hurts. In my bad times I am trying to remind myself of what was said in my mother's dream. When my mother was surprised to see me holding a baby, my grandmother told her "don't worry." We are currently saying our second novena to the Infant of Prague, and I wholly trust that He will take care of me.

Before I go, I wanted to share something that I came upon just now. Maybe it will help someone else who is struggling tonight. I absolutely love this song and it makes me cry every time.



5 comments:

  1. First off .. LOVED the wedding pics. You too could both be Ralph Lauren models! Sheesh!

    Second, I just wanted to say that I haven't given up hope for you yet. Not one bit. I believe you are right where you need to be. Remember, you had your surgery, you just recently started your metformin, your cycles have normalized ... I believe that now it's only a matter of time. I know it's hard to see your own situation objectively, but I do believe you will be a mother soon.

    Also, I can't wait to be able to meet you soon in person! Perhaps sometime in October!

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  2. Don't worry. It will come in time. I just know it will be for you. Because it did for me. It took us five years and much heartache. I used to torture myself and watch TLC baby story over and over. Then after that I would watch Father of the Bride II. I know exactly where you are at, my dear. Keep praying. Keep hoping. It will come.

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  3. Your mention of trust made me think of something I came across today regarding Divine Mercy Sunday.

    When Jesus spoke to St. Faustina, the importance of trusting Him (and His mercy) stood out.

    A quote from her diary which she attributes to Christ: "The graces of My Mercy are drawn by means of one vessel only, and that is trust. The more a souls trusts, the more it will receive."

    Keep trusting! And pray for all of us to trust as well!

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  4. ITA with Lifehopes... I can never give MYSELF that same advice and follow it, but it sounds so good when applied to others :)
    Seriously, though, I have SO much faith for you, for having a biological child.
    That song made me cry. Loved it.

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  5. i really just loved your post! I had been checking for an update and so glad to read of your goings on.
    I am praying for you so much.
    Also... I'm quite the dork, but I just got really really excited when I read that you and lifehopes will meet!
    How exciting!
    Hang in there....

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