Why am I constantly surprised when my patience is tested this Lent? I did vow to work on it, after all. Today it was my sewing machine. I handled it okay, except for a moment of desparation when I questioned God's existence, but that was only a fleeting thought. I'm not kidding. My faith is, obviously, pretty weak. It wasn't just the sewing machine breaking down that made me question my religious beliefs; it was the sewing, which lead to thoughts of infertility, which lead to the old questions, "why does God not help me? Am I wasting my time praying? Is it all a lie?" I am admitting all of this because, for one, maybe it's my penance, but also because it lead me to embarassingly realize that I truly do only praise God when things are going well (actually, praise is a little strong. I should say I believe in Him when things are going well) and "going well" can mean something as insignificant as making curtains without interruption. How horrible. I am ashamed before God about this and I will work on it.
Earlier today I got nervous about my treatment and the fact that I'm not on any medication. (Actually, I just picked up my first medication tonight, so technically I'll be on one med starting tomorrow.) My husband thinks I'm crazy to worry about it, that just because others are on certain medications doesn't mean I need them, that I'm in good hands with PPVI. He's right. I think this is an example of me finding things to worry about. The way I should look at it as if I should be on something, I'll be on it sooner or later. And if it's the missing link we've been looking for, then I'll get pregnant at that time. Seems like it all boils down to patience!