Saturday, March 8, 2008

Not quite human

So last night I was watching 20/20 and there was an interesting story about a pretty woman who gave off a really, really bad odor her whole life. She ended up discovering it was caused by a medical problem, but what struck me (and the reason I'm posting about it) was a comment she made in the interview. She said she spent her life feeling not quite human. That resonated with me because I realized that's how I feel. Not quite human. Not the same as the rest of the women in the world. Not able to function like humans are intended to. On the outside looking in at the rest of the humans, unable to experience one of the most truly human experiences - having children. Humans are supposed to procreate. If they didn't, there would be no more humans.

I know that's not true (most of it, at least) and I know I'm just as good as everyone else and all of that. But that doesn't change how infertility makes me feel. I'm not like everyone else. I'm not even like my husband - he's normal. He could have kids if it weren't for me. It's like the rest of the world is going along, doing human things like getting pregnant, and I'm just stuck here watching.

I'm not really doing too badly, so I don't mean to sound like I'm depressed. It's the middle of my cycle, so it's actually the most hopeful time of the month for me. I also don't want to take anything away from God's creation of me and all of us who struggle with infertility. I just happened to hear that comment last night and it made me realize how I've been feeling for quite some time, so I thought I'd mention it.


  1. Hey this reminds me of when I was reading the science lesson to the 10 year old boy I homeschool (yes in the same room as the fertile myrtle with 7 kids and one on the way). And I had to read ALOUD the following sentence:

    "A Living Being is defined as any being that has the ability to procreate."

    WOW. Pretty much made me feel like dirt. And humiliated. And angry. All at once.

  2. I also resonate with that comment (even though I am currently behaving like a human).

    Also, Lifehopes, I wanted to tell you how we describe life to the kids in my program (I'm a DRE). Life is anything that can breath, eat, and grow. Any living being can do all of those things in some fashion. Maybe you can tuck that away for the next time you have to teach about life...

  3. Lifehopes - wow! I can't believe it said that, and you had to read it! I like wanttobeamom's definition much better.