I apologize that for the last week or so my posts have been consumed with detailed information about my cycle (not that people normally come here to read insightful, thought-provoking posts or anything). The end of Lent passed by, Easter came and went, and all I could think about was spotting.
On Easter Sundays past, I typically indulged in whatever food item I gave up for Lent (usually chocolate). This year, though, Easter didn't mark the end of a fast because I gave up impatience or, you could say, I worked on having patience. I'm not sure how I did and, actually, I should re-read some of my Lenten posts to see if they sound impatient. When Lent first began I looked up the definition of patience, just to be sure what I was attempting. I guess in the past I had thought of patience more as something to do purely with time. I thought maybe I would simply have to find a way to not focus on the future so much. To my surprise, the definition actually said something to the effect of "to suffer without complaint" or "to bear trials calmly." How fitting! That was exactly what I was in need of. And what could be more Christ-like than suffering without complaint? Christ was patient. He was patient in the garden of Gethsemane, he was patient while he carried the cross, he was patient as he was crucified. I hadn't really thought about patience in this way before, as something to imitate from Christ (and, to be honest, I didn't think of it until Lent was already over).
Patience is perhaps what I need more than anything else during this difficult journey through infertility. I complain a lot. I cry out in anger to God almost every day. I do not bear my suffering well, to say the least. I would absolutely love to reach a point where I can accept my suffering (because as long as I am infertile I think I will be suffering on some level) and keep it neatly wrapped up inside. I don't mean that I want to internalize it and blow up someday, but I think there's something to be said for not complaining and bearing that trial calmly. I need to suffer like Christ suffered, and be patient like he was patient. I can have a dialogue with God about it, but I should not be angry with Him. Christ prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will.” He didn't add on "... as long as what you will is for this cup to pass from me!"
Infertility is cruel. We all suffer and it's hard to suffer without complaining (we are human, after all). So how do I have patience? I'm still not quite sure. I guess when it comes to a practical application I just need to pray each time I feel like complaining. That's the only way I can try to do this. I need to try to imagine Christ and how he suffered, and model my actions after his. So simple, yet so difficult!