My babies' daddy

When I met my husband 12 years ago (nearly to the day today), I knew right away he'd make a great father.

And I remember clearly the reason why - he was funny.

As someone prone to stress and seriousness, I knew I needed someone to lighten the mood, and I dreamed of a playful, fun-loving dad for my kids. For some reason I always had a particular scenario in my mind of Ryan and I on a long car ride (perhaps due to memories of car trips as a kid being terrible...whose aren't?) with our kids in the backseat starting to get antsy, and Ryan calming them down with some silly joke or song.

Well, the more I got to know him better, as with anyone, I discovered Ryan actually isn't calm and collected 100% of the time. And I'm sure he's bound to lose it on a long trip sometime in the future. But he is the fun, playful dad I dreamed of. He's not afraid to act like a kid around the babies, and he's always making Clara laugh. She probably thinks his voice is two octaves higher than it actually is from the way he talks to her in funny voices.

And Clara worships him. She calls for him every time she wakes up. She runs to the front door and stands, perfectly still (no small feat for a toddler), watching him get into his truck and back out of our driveway, twice a day, every day. She lights up when he comes on t.v., loudly proclaiming, "Daddy! Daddy!" And you should see the way she looks at him when he walks in a room. Pure love.

They have a special bond, those two.

I am absolutely in love with the way Clara loves her father (and, I have assured him, Luke will feel the same way soon.. probably around the time he's weaned).

And while I love the way he jokes with her and makes her giggle uncontrollably, no longer is his sense of humor the main reason I'm glad I chose him for my kids' dad. Even better than all that (which is pretty darn good) is how he protects us, provides for us, and worries about the bigger picture so we don't have to.

In particular, I love that Clara and Luke's father has planned and worked hard to allow me to stay at home with them. I love that he works two jobs. I love that he doesn't mind not having the best things (if I worked he'd have an iPad by now, just about the only material item he has any desire for in the world). I love that we're on the same page, and that it was never even a discussion whether we'd live on one income.

And recently he said something that nearly made me swoon, one of the sweetest things he's ever said: That he'd want me to stay home even if I didn't want to.

Okay, you might think either he or I am nuts if you don't feel the same way about that statement (and that he's controlling, which couldn't be further from the truth). But as someone who loves staying home, hearing my husband say that was like music to my ears. That he felt that strongly about it. Ahh! I just love that.

And I am so terrible. I complain about our small house, our yard, our neighborhood. That we don't have a van. I spend a lot of time complaining about what we don't have. I even - get this - complain about him being gone at his second job.

When I write it all down like that it makes me cringe.

It's not easy being the family's sole earner, all that weight on his shoulders alone. That's one big thing I've learned since becoming a parent - that Ryan has pressures I'll never know. It effects men at their core, the innate desire to take care of their family. He's driven by that.

And the fact that me and the babies just see the results - the home, the food, the clothes, the fun extras - and not the negative effects of the stress he's under... well, it's all part of the great dad that he is.

So on this Father's Day (a day late), I am so totally grateful for my husband. For his humor, his love, his hard work, his drive, his protection, and that he lets me stay home to raise our children, despite not getting that iPad he wouldn't mind having ;). We love him so much and I thank God he's my babies' daddy.

Our girl

I have been meaning to mark Clara turning a year-and-a-half, but things have been busy lately.

She's well past that milestone now, but that's okay. Better late than never.

We are absolutely loving this age. She cracks us up all day long. Like this... her version of hanging your Rosary on your rearview mirror:

I love finding out every day what new words and sentences she has decided to try out on us. Her old stand-by's are "Here you go" and "There you go." Another favorite is "me," which she just started saying out of the blue last month. She goes around saying it, asking you to pick her up. How can we resist?

Oh, and "Good girl." She says that every time she does something naughty.

She also loves blowing kisses, often with a big "muaaahhhh!" That's another thing she does when she's knows she's doing something wrong.

She loves, loves, loves to sing. She sings all day long. Sometimes it's songs I sing to her, and sometimes it's ones she makes up. Last night I heard her in her crib singing (very loudly), "Duckie! Duckie! Duckie!" (She sleeps with a stuffed duck). And she has the most precious little singing voice.

Speaking of music, she has an obsession lately - my iPhone and, more specifically, the iPod on my phone. She is constantly asking me to use it, which she does by singing her favorite song -  Price Tag by Jessie J. Ever heard it? The chorus goes It's not about the money, money, money... (it's a pretty benign song, as far as music goes these days) so Clara goes around singing it constantly, Money, money, money, especially when she wants my phone so she can hear it. And it's amazing how she knows exactly how to use my iPhone, how to open the iPod, find her song. Especially because we never taught her!

We've started to slowly potty train her because she showed us she was interested. She even tells me when she's about to go, pointing to her diaper and saying the word for whatever it is she's about to do.

She's still a pipsqueak, weighing 22 pounds. But we found out at her last check up that she has grown taller.

It's so hard to believe she's the same baby girl who was born ten weeks early, weighing just three pounds. It's blessing she was as healthy as she was after she was born, left the NICU before even reaching her due date, and has thrived like she has. I don't think I really let the gravity of her prematurity sink in until recently. Perhaps because we didn't know her until she was safe and well. But ten weeks... Man that's early. She's a miracle.

She is the sweetest girl we know, and we literally thank God each and every day that she is in our life. Just tonight Ryan wondered out loud what it would be like if we never knew her. Thankfully, that's not something we'll ever have to worry about. God brought her to us, entrusted us with her care, and blessed us eternally. And by that I am so humbled.

Things are looking up

Wow, it has gotten SO much better. It must be all your prayers!

Last night Luke fell asleep in about twenty minutes. But then a dog barked loudly right outside his window, waking him up, and he took another twenty to thirty minutes to fall asleep.

Big improvement! But, I wondered, had I imagined him being asleep after the initial twenty minutes? Maybe he had just calmed down momentarily and was never actually asleep? Or maybe he had been asleep, but it was a fluke? I didn't want to get my hopes up.

So then, I put him down tonight and....... he fell asleep in less than twenty minutes!! And that was after he only fussed in his crib. No crying!

Ahhh, what a wonderful feeling.

His look - unbuttoned and full of drool

He also napped today. He did cry for a little while, but at least it ended with a nice, long nap.

Thank God for sleeping babies. Thank God for time for me to clean, relax, regroup. These are the days when I think, A third? No problem!

It was a great day all around, actually, because Clara decided to finally say the magic words that melt a mama's heart:

What she's actually doing here is singing the song "Skinamarinky Dink." For months, when she'd sing the "I love you" part, she'd point to her eye and say "I...I...I..." and, no matter what, she wouldn't say the rest. We knew she could. She just knew we wanted it too much.

And then today, clear as can be (well, for a baby), she finished the lyric. And she pointed right at me (which is pretty amazing is because she's going through a major daddy phase right now).

Oh, those babies. They know just how to get you. Kind of like when Clara is in the middle of doing something she knows is wrong (while I'm nursing Luke) and starts blowing me kisses. That girl has got it figured out.

The babies begged me to do this for my sister's birthday yesterday

So thanks again for all your prayers and amazing advice and encouragement about Luke. And I'm hoping he's turned a corner and is realizing how awesome sleep is. Heck, I didn't discover that until my twenties, so if he has, he's way ahead of me!

Not doing too great in sleep-training land

I have a problem.

It's Day 10 and Luke is still crying for up to an hour before falling asleep. It's driving me batty. And I don't know how this happened - how getting him to sleep in his crib by using a fairly conservative form of sleep training morphed into the harshest type of "Cry It Out" there is.

I didn't sign up for this. And I don't see an end in sight. Shouldn't he be taking less time to fall asleep by Day 10?

And then there are the naps. He's obviously tired, falling asleep, so I put him down in his crib. For the first few days, he cried about 15 minutes and then slept for up to two hours. Great. But then the crying got longer. The other day he cried for over an hour, so I went and got him (since that was roughly the length of time he'd nap anyway). He got tired a little while later, so I put him down again. He cried for over an hour again, so I got him up again. And then repeated it all a third time. I felt like all I did that day was listen to him cry.

(And yes, maybe going in and getting him is making it worse, but how long can I let him cry? It's a nap, not nighttime. And he wasn't winding down.)

Maybe I shouldn't even be admitting I let him cry that much.

I'm not sure what to do. About naps or nighttime. Ryan believes him crying for an hour every night is worth him sleeping through the night (although that's getting shorter and shorter too. The last two mornings he woke up at quarter to six). I'm not sure I agree. I just can't listen to my baby cry that much, at least not without the promise that soon he'll go down calmly and drift happily sleep.*

I am now sick with what he and Clara had (head cold, cough). I feel awful, so now I know what they must have felt like, poor babies. And he's not completely over it, which is probably affecting his sleep too.

I just feel like I'm barely hanging on emotionally. Plus, I'm losing my mind trying to take care of two babies while being sick. Wow, that's not easy. Today I took a non-drowsy allergy medication only to nearly fall asleep while taking care of them. Needless to say, I won't be taking that again. And this sickness comes after having the stomach bug last week. I can't call in sick to this job, which also happens to be the most difficult job I've ever had. Most rewarding too, but you know what I mean. Not easy to do while sick, especially since their safety and well-being depends on you being somewhat alert.

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, because I'm not. I'm just saying all that to illustrate why I feel like I'm losing it.

Alright, Luke is finally asleep, after exactly an hour (it's pretty much like clockwork). Now I can go to bed. Thanks for reading my rant.

*After re-reading this and having calmed down a bit, I do want to add that I agree, overall, with Ryan that Luke does need to sleep in his crib. He's sleeping WAY more than he ever was before, and that's great. He so needed it. And stopping this is not an option. We can't lose all the great improvement Luke has made, which is why I think I'm having a hard time emotionally - because there is no choice to be made. I have to let him cry. I just really, really, really wish that tomorrow I'll put him down and he'll fall right asleep. I can dream.

Blogger babies

When we started our blogs there were no babies...

Back in the day - L from GIMH; Amber's sister, C; Amber; and me.

And now there are four. (And one on the way - E is getting a baby brother or sister later this summer!)

Sometimes those pre-baby days seem so long ago, while other times it feels like just yesterday we were all waiting, and wondering when (and if) our babies would ever come.

But now they're here, enough to fill a baby pool.

And they're already getting so big.

I will always be amazed at how God can take so much suffering

And turn it into so much joy.

And it's just so fitting that they're best buds, isn't it?

Free time

Does Luke look refreshed? Well-rested? Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed?

Well, if he doesn't it's because he's a little sick. Of course, he comes down with a cough mid-sleep-training. That's okay, though, because he's still on his game, sleeping through the night every night so far. He's a little champ.

Still taking anywhere from 30-60 minutes to fall asleep, though, but that's okay. He's sleeping for 12 hours so that's what really matters. AND napping, which is what he is doing now (and so is Clara!).

My house is a different place when there are no babies awake. Gates are swung open. Door are unlocked. My arms are free. My shirt is on normal.

That's been the case every night this week and I haven't exactly known what to do with myself. The first two nights (nights three and four of sleep-training, when Ryan was back at work), I spent the evening on the couch watching TV. It took me until night three to realize that I could actually do something productive (ignorance was bliss).

I'm going to take this time to admit something that might shock some of you and will definitely make you think less of my homemaking prowess: My husband has been known to do most of the laundry around here.

It wasn't something that we agreed upon. Actually, it's even worse. The poor guy would wind up doing it because he simply needed clean clothes.

In my defense I cannot fold when the babies are awake. It's just a disaster. And I had been known to leave a wet load in the washer all day long because I did not have one single second to get to the laundry room.

So finally, on my third night of lying on the couch, it dawned upon me that this would be a perfect time to do laundry. And clean. And bake. And whatever else I had been previously unable to accomplish with a baby on my hip.

I think I'm going to feel so much better about my role in the family if I can handle the basic housekeeping duties. Not that I like cleaning - because I do NOT - but I also don't like feeling useless (yes, I know caring for a needy baby isn't nothing, but still. I know most of you handle the babies AND the home with ease).

And a clean home makes for a happy mommy, which leads to a happy daddy, and happy little ones.

Thank God for sleeping babies.

We've got a sleeper

Oh, what a beautiful sight..

This photo was taken this morning, after Luke's third night of sleeping through the night.

That's right. Third night.

So it went down like this...

Night One was Saturday. We got him ready for bed and put him in his crib at eight (with no bed time to speak of, we wanted to ease into putting him down early). Ryan stayed in the room with him, laying on the guest bed, while I took off. I thought it best that I leave the house entirely, so I went to Toys R Us to get the kids a present (and make myself feel better about the whole thing) and pick up a pizza.

Before I even checked out, Ryan had texted to say Luke was asleep.

All in all, it took an hour and five minutes. About 15 of that was happy-time, cooing/whining in his crib. Another 20 was a mix of whining, crying, and silence. And roughly 30 of it was harder crying, mixed with silence and that glorious sound of winding-down-crying.

On Night One he woke up about once an hour for the first few hours. The first time it happened, he fell back asleep before we had even decided what to do about it (he probably wasn't ever actually awake). Each time took approximately two minutes.

He cried twice in the night, but he fell back asleep on his own within minutes. He woke for good around 7:30 the next morning.

We never went in his room (just when he was sound asleep to check on him. I did that a lot). We never picked him up.

Night Two was very similar. This time I was in the room with him. He took a little longer over all to fall asleep - about an hour and twenty minutes - but a lot of that time was spent whining and dozing off (plus he got wedged in the corner and I made the decision to move him out, which might have made things last longer).

This time he only woke up once while we were still up and only cried very briefly in the night once. He woke for the day at 9:50 a.m. (12-and-a-half hours!).

That brings us to Night Three. Last night was the first night Ryan had to work, but we planned it so that Luke and Clara would go to bed while he was home for dinner. I stayed in the room with Luke and he cried immediately this time; no cooing or whining, he just got right into it.

It took him exactly an hour to fall asleep. And it was by far the hardest night for me, too. Having the support of your husband, actually present in the house, is invaluable. Thankfully, Clara fell asleep and stayed asleep, so that helped a lot.

To my surprise, he stayed sound asleep until 2:30, when he cried very briefly and fell back asleep on his own. He did that again at 5 a.m., and then awoke for the day at 8:30.

So it's safe to say we are ecstatic. But... I am hoping that he falls asleep quicker tonight. We had two goals going in: The first was that he would fall asleep on his own in his crib, and the second was that he would stay asleep a reasonable length of time. He's all over that second goal, but the first one has room for improvement.

Although, I will say, 30-60 minutes to fall asleep is WAY better than I expected.

Other things we're doing, in case you're wondering: We play the Frank Sinatra channel on Sirius in his nursery. It's the only thing we have ever found that calms him down so we knew that would be a must. And in case I was questioning its effectiveness, he woke up last night when I was trying to turn down the volume and the signal was lost. Don't ask Ryan about my silent-but-angry reaction to that. I think it involved telling Sirius I was going to kill it.

I also put the shirt I wore that day in with Luke. Now, I will say that I am very, very conservative when it comes to what goes in my babies' cribs, which means basically nothing but them for the first year. I made an exception here, while watching him very closely on the monitor and in-room checks, and we pull it out after he's fallen asleep. He cuddles with it and it does seem to help.

So that's it. Our current "problem" is that since he's getting SO much sleep at night, he clearly wants to nap more during the day. But I think I read somewhere that working on night-sleeping and naps at the same time may be too overwhelming (not sure if for the baby or parents). He has tried to nurse when he's tired the last couple days, which is reinforcing the habit we're trying to break him of at night. So, that's all to say that Ryan's in his room with him right now trying to get him to nap in his crib. Hopefully that's the right decision.

Oh, and yes, I have a ton of time at night and I'm not sure what to do with myself! I know, I should go to bed. And I will eventually. I'm still stalking the monitor for the time being.

And while I thought I'd miss having Luke with me in bed, it's been a very smooth transition. I can sleep on my side, roll over, get up to pee if I want. It's the little things.

I woke up yesterday morning feeling downright refreshed. I showered before Luke even woke up. We went for a walk. A walk! I hadn't had the energy or motivation in ages.

Thank you all so, so much for your prayers and support. This is really an answer to prayer. Luke needed sleep so badly. It's evident by how long he's now sleeping that he requires much more than he was getting.

And with that, he's currently napping in the next room in his crib. What a miracle.

Big day at our house

One of these babies slept through the night in his crib. The other one did a good job on her potty this morning.

I'll spare you the details of the latter, but I will elaborate on the former tomorrow.

Thanks to everyone for your advice and prayers! You all must have a direct line to God :)

I need a pep-talk

Saturday begins Luke's sleep training. That is, if all goes as scheduled. I've had the stomach bug all week and although I do feel a little better today, if I'm not 100-percent this weekend I think we might have to push it back.

We originally picked this weekend because his pediatrician instructed us to wait until six months due to the possibility of some GI issues. Apparently the organs mature at six months and if it turns to be a more serious issue, then the problems may still exist. But if it is an issue of maturing, then sleep-training should be at least a little easier for us at this age. We'll see.

At the same time she told us to wait until six months, she also told us not to wait until seven or eights months because he'll be in the middle of that attachment phase. Nice, small window. Wonderful.

But... he had his six-month check up yesterday (I took him despite being sick. BIG mistake. I had interrupt the doctor and sit down at one point for fear of passing out) and it turns out our little guy is quite advanced. He has entered that attachment phase two months early.

The "good" news is that there is no longer a time crunch. If we have to wait, we can, because he's already in the middle of the phase where it's extremely difficult to sleep train.

As of right now, though, we are full-steam-ahead for this weekend (we picked a Saturday because Ryan works nights during the week and this will at least give me two nights where he'll be home with me to help with Clara). That's where the pep-talk comes in.

First, I think I should explain just how bad things are. Of course, "bad"is a relative term; my life is still absolutely wonderful. Still, baby needs to sleep.

Here's the situation: Luke doesn't sleep unless attached to my breast. That's it, plain and simple.

The only exception to that is in the car, where he will sleep ten or twenty minutes. But that's no way to live. I can't pack up two kids a couple times a day just to get him to sleep.

So what does that mean? That means I hardly ever put him down. A few times a day he will play on the floor, or in the exersaucer or johnny-jump-up. But he never sleeps except on me. Not during the day. Not at night.

And in case you are wondering, here are the answers to some frequently asked questions:

Can I put him down once he falls asleep on me? No. He wakes back up immediately.

Does he sleep in his crib? Ummm, no. I don't fit.

Does he sleep in bed with us? Yes, but again, it's only when attached to me. Literally.

Can his father rock him to sleep? No. I have literally begged my husband to try to pacify him with his nipple. The suggestion didn't go over well.

Do pacifiers work? No. We've tried different kinds to no avail.

A couple other tidbits: We have left the babies with friends/relatives a few times lately and each time Luke loses it and there is no consoling him. Even his grandma couldn't calm him down (I even pumped and left bottles, which he would not take).

And it's not just with baby-sitters. He cries if I pass him off to anyone else. It's really getting bad. And we know it's not a physiological problem because he stops crying and smiles the second he's in my arms.

Extremely rare moment where he went to someone else, my aunt.

I should also add that even his father can't calm him down. The other day, Ryan had him in the cry room at church. When I walked in, Luke, who was crying on the floor, looked up at me with his arms outstretched, saying "mmmmm... mmmmm..." Oh, goodness. I am putty in his hands.

So that's the story. We're pretty much resigned to the fact that sleep training is going to be a nightmare. You know how they say it will take anywhere from three to ten nights? Well, I will be shocked - shocked - if it only takes Luke ten nights. When we tried it a couple months ago, he cried for two hours only to fall asleep for 15 minutes and wake back up again.

And what do I mean by "sleep training"? As of right now, we have two possible plans, and they are both on the more conservative end of the spectrum. One involves checking on him every five minutes for the first 25 minutes, and then every half an hour after that. We plan to reassure him without picking him up. It's funny because when the pediatrician was talking to me about it, she said something about how we should go in and soothe him until he calms down. I felt like saying, excuse me? Calm down? Is that what other babies do? Because Luke will most definitely not calm down unless I feed him. Baby is going to scream for hours on end.

Our other possible plan is for me to lay on the guest bed in his nursery the entire time, reassuring him every so often. He's smart enough to know I'm there, that he's not being abandoned.

So here's where the pep-talk comes in. Sleep-training any baby requires a great deal of fortitude. It's going to be personal hell for me to listen to my baby scream. I'm going to doubt we're doing the right thing (even though I know we are) and I'm going to want to pick him up and nurse him.

I'm also going to think that he's the worst-case scenario and that he's not sleep-trainable. I know he's going to cry for two hours only to sleep for ten minutes (our plan right now is to just keep doing that all night long), and I'm going to want to throw in the towel. How can I keep it up when he defies what even the books tell you?

So a pep-talk would be necessary no matter what. But guess what else I'm dealing with...

The other day, when I realized it was only a week away, I got emotional. For the first time I realized I'm going to miss him sleeping with me, and I cried. It's just so final. The days are dwindling away and now there are just two night left. I love my baby wanting me. Who wouldn't? Yes, it's tough at times, but I'm his mommy.

When I first realized my true feelings about this, I was laying in bed with him in the crook of my arm and his warm little baby arm was wrapped around my bare stomach as he was nursing. Ahhh.. what a heavenly feeling.

God is already answering my prayers, though, because I slept terribly the last two nights and woke with back aches. I know this has to be done. And I know he'll still be a mama's boy. He'll just be a mama's boy who can self-soothe and sleep in his crib.

I know we're doing the right thing. It isn't good for him to only sleep while nursing. It isn't good for him to not nap. And it isn't good for Clara to have a mother who only ever has a baby in her arms.

Now I just need to repeat that over and over to myself on Saturday night.