Thoughts

I'm back for my second post in one day! I'm bored, lonely and home-bound, so I'll probably be posting a lot in the coming days.

So here are just some random thoughts:

• I have a bad toothache. It started a couple days after my surgery. Actually, it started as soon as I stopped the constant heavy pain meds, so it might have been there right after surgery and I wouldn't have felt it. One of my molars is sensitive to hot and cold, which ends up being just about all food. Drinks are especially difficult, which was hard last week when I needed lots of fluids. When the advil wears off, the pain radiates throughout my whole mouth, even in my jaw and up to my ear. I'm thinking it's going to need a root canal (just a guess though since I haven't been to the dentist yet), which I'm not happy about, but I'm looking at things a lot differently after the whole build-up to my surgery experience. I feel like I can handle a lot more now! It's just the money thing that is making me upset. We're going to be paying for a surgery AND a root canal in the coming months with money we don't have.




• Speaking of money, I'm praying tonight that my husband gets a raise. He is in contract negotiations at the moment and it's looking like his big promotion isn't going to garner the money that it normally would in a stronger economy. It's okay though, at least he has a good job. I've put it totally in God's hands, and I know he'll take care of us no matter what.




• That reminds me, did I ever blog about Ryan's promotion? For the longest time I wasn't allowed to say anything about it, then once I could, it was old news to me and I forget to post anything. Anyways, he got a big promotion and will no longer be working weekends. Yay! His new shift is Monday through Friday and he is anchoring a 4 o'clock show and a 10 o'clock show. I'm so proud of him!




• Actually, he is on right now, but I am not watching because the new show Hoarders is on. Have you seen this? It's unbelievable! My heart goes out to these poor, poor people. They are obviously mentally ill and there but for the grace of God go I. It reminds me how blessed I am to not have certain struggles.




• I'm also flipping back and forth between that and the Rach.el Zo.e Pro.ject. I watched tons of episodes of this while my mom was here and it's addicting! Oh, and while I'm on the topic of television obsessions, can I just say that I really don't want Jeff to go on Big Bro.ther? But, alas, it looks like that will be the case.




• Speaking of my mom, she left yesterday morning and I'm still adjusting to her not being here! It was SO good to have her here, taking care of me. We had such a routine by the time she left. We'd wake up early (I couldn't sleep much past 6:30 a.m. due to pain early on), she'd make me something to eat to take my morning meds with, we'd watch t.v. while I dealt with morning gas pain, then we'd walk, have lunch, and then we'd go out and do something to get me out of the house. Then she'd make me a delicious dinner. I loved having someone here with me when Ryan was at work, especially my mother! Here's a picture of us on her second to last day here:

• I'm wearing a dress in this picture because I still can't wear any pants with zipper and buttons. I'm really trying to keep my incision clean and nice. So far, it's looking good, but it looked this good last time too. This is actually around the time it got infected after my last surgery, so I'm being very careful!

• Switching gears to an infertility-related topic, I've been thinking a lot about adoption lately. The more I come to terms with most likely never conceiving, I guess I am starting to transfer that anxiety over to adoption. In the past, I was pretty calm about how slow the process was moving, but now that it seems more and more like adoption is the only way we'll be able to build our family, I find that I'm growing angry. I'm mainly upset about the fact that if we had more money, we'd probably have a baby right now. That just doesn't sit right with me. I am tempted to wonder how that is fair. I am tempted to ask why God he would make us wait longer than richer couples. But I'm trying not to ask those questions, and not let it get me down. I'm trying to come to terms with God's timeline.




• I don't want to end on a negative note, so I won't.. Friday is our big five year anniversary! We had planned to go away to the beach for the weekend, but I canceled the reservations the other day. I'll be just two weeks out of surgery and my incision is still healing, I tire really easily, couldn't walk around much or go in the water, and many hours in the car would probably be pushing it. I just don't think we would've gotten our money's worth if we went this weekend. So we rescheduled the trip for the first weekend in October. It should still be warm and the cost of the room is way less, so we actually upgraded for less money. Plus it gives me something to look forward to. So we'll celebrate by going out to dinner on Friday and I vow to do my best to not look at Friday as a negative anniversary. I'm going to try, try, to celebrate the blessings I have been given, rather than what is missing. I think that should be my new motto!

Not going to be easy

So my last post was about the new path I feel like God is leading me on (letting go of the tight grip I had on trying to get pregnant). But in re-reading it, I feel like I left one major thing out - that I am fully aware that it's not going to be easy.

The post kind of sounded like I have it under control, but I do not. At all. I might have some peace about it, but it's more of a peace where I am trying to blindly trust that God will get me through it, rather than a peace where everything is just awesome.

It will most likely be a very long time before we can start a family. I am bracing for a long, difficult wait. I know it's going to be hard and I think that is why I am trying to start turning more completely to God.

I love reading about the saints. One thing they all have in common is their faith during hardship. They constantly amaze me. From St. Therese, to Gianna, to Faustina, to Theresa, every saint I read about endured so much physical and emotional pain but never doubted God's love for them through it all, and, because of that love and trust, they accepted whatever came their way. They were really unbelievable that way. And that's what my new attitude is all about. Not that turning it over to God will magically make things easier, but that it will hopefully help to lift me up during the hard times ahead.

Actually, the saints suffered so greatly that it almost scares me, in a way, to turn it over to him. But they all, in their writings, seem so peaceful during the most difficult times. I guess when I read their stories, it just makes me want that. And this is the only way I can guess how to acheive that - by trying my best to imitate them in the way they suffered. By loving God with all of my heart, living only for him and trusting completely.

Okay, that scared me to write that. Why do I think I'm capable of that? I guess I just need to remind myself that no one is perfect, even the saints were flawed and I can only try my best.

And the truth is I'm not capable of anything outside of God. Only he can help me through this.

Okay, I feel better.

Oh, and on a side note, I can't wait for this month to be over. I need to put it behind me and I really can't wait for the August post titles to stop showing up on my blog's sidebar every time I scroll down. Thank God that he makes all things new, including the calendar!

I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, God's dwelling is with the human race. He will dwell with them and they will be his people and God himself will always be with them (as their God). He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there shall be no more death or mourning, wailing or pain, (for) the old order has passed away." The one who sat on the throne said, "Behold, I make all things new." Then he said, "Write these words down, for they are trustworthy and true." (Revelation 21:3-5)

Changes

Well I've written a lot about my recovery lately, but haven't posted anything about my attitude right now.

Things began to change a couple weeks ago, when I first heard that I needed surgery. I was scared, and my entire outlook began to change. Infertility suddenly seemed dwarfed by the potential problems I now faced. Sure, most of it was irrational anxiety, but it made me realize that I need to live my life right now instead of waiting for something to happen. After all, I could be waiting a really long time. It's already been five years. I don't want to waste five more.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want off of this infertility roller coaster. No more drugs (well, there are multiple drugs I'll still take, just not ones to ovulate), no more charting (at least in the near future), and no more stressing out over what other treatments are left for me to try.

I want many, many months without a doctor's visit.

I want to live my life, I want to try really hard to be joyful, and I want to become much more prayerful.

I want to focus on what I have in my life right in front of me, rather than what is missing.

I gave this all over to God a long time ago. I truly know it is in God's hands whether I ever conceive, and whether we are ever picked to adopt. But while I gave it over to God a while ago, I still spent a ton of energy trying to figure out if I was doing my part, if I was helping God out enough, seeking the right doctors, treatments, etc. I think that's all going to come to an end.

Right now I really feel called to step back. Move on. Let go of the tight grip I've had on infertility for so long now. Focus on the Lord. And if it happens, it happens.

That being said, I won't dwell on that slim chance. Let's be honest here. It's been five years, three surgeries, probably about the equivalent of a year on ovulation drugs. We've treated endo, PCOS, high prolactin, and now we're tackling adrenal fatigue. The problems are many and the conception count stands at zero.

I think I am finally coming to the realization that we are beating a dead horse. At some point you need to put it out of its misery. I think I will feel much better when I move on. In fact, I already do. It's like a weight has been lifted.

And don't think that I'm going to stop praying for a baby. Actually, I feel like I am moving into a whole new phase of infertility - a prayer phase. I just really feel called to focus completely on prayer, but not just to plead for a child, but to grow as a child of God in this difficult time. I believe God allows trials in our lives so that we can respond in a prayerful way, so that we can do penance here on earth. If I am moaning and groaning the whole time (as I tend to do), then it can't possibly be penance. I need to respond in a way that pleases God. I need to accept this cross completely in the way that I feel called to respond.

That is not to say that I think seeking out medical help is in any way wrong or that someone who does is not suffering correctly. Of course not! I've just found myself in this place where I feel called to move back a little from treatments. And it's not like I haven't tried! After half a decade, we've traveled far and wide and have nearly exhausted my options (I say 'nearly' because there are still treatments left that I'll probably try when the mood hits me. Injectibles, for one!).

I hope you'll bear with me as I figure out what I'm doing next. As we all know, this attitude could change tomorrow (my doctor even told me not to make any rash decisions while recovering from surgery!), but I really don't think it will. While it may seem like this is a sudden change, I'm looking back and realizing it's actually been slowly building for quite some time.

First, in May, I posted this about feeling as though a pregnancy wasn't in my future. I sound a little annoyed about it, hence the title.

Then there's this from just a couple weeks later, where I already sound a little more accepting of the idea.

Then God helped prepare my heart more here and here. And then he hit me with this right when I needed it. Little did I know what was ahead of me! The Lord knew I needed strengthening.

I forgot I even posted all of those things until now, but looking at them altogether (which I don't expect you all to do!), it really tells a story. They are weeks and months apart, but together they are like a continuous thought, each one sounding like God had worked on my heart a little more.

I am more convinced than ever that this is God's plan for me. And I don't mean that I know his plan is for me to never conceive. I don't pretend to know what is ahead in that department. I just mean that his plan is for me to make this change. To stop obsessing about infertility. To stop with the jealousy and pride. To focus on the Lord.

I'm not even sure that God's plan is for me to stop treatments altogether. That is just the way I feel right now. I want to stop treatment. I'm tired and I think stopping is the best way for me to be able to move on and stop despairing. Personally, I just don't think I can do both otherwise.

So anyways, that's what my attitude has been since the week or so before surgery. But, like I pointed out, it's really been building for a while. Really, I am so, so, so blessed and I need to remember that each and every day. I am thankful that Ryan is on board with all of this (I didn't even have to ask him to know that, and when I did, all he said was he just wanted me to be happy more than anything in the whole world).

With our five year anniversary just a week away - which, as we all know, means the anniversary of the beginning of my greatest heartache as well - I'm blessed that I can even say that I'm actually looking forward to what God has in store for us. I know there's still likely a very long wait ahead until we can grow our family, and it definitely won't be easy, but I just pray that God will strengthen me to endure it. And I hope that I'm strong enough to spend that time serving him as well.

Feeling better

Today was much better! Finally, the pain was more manageable and I didn't feel totally out of it. So far today, I took four advil at 8:30 a.m. and three advil at 3:30. That's it. Pretty good, I'd say!

I am still totally bloated and my abdomen hurts whenever I move. I walked more than a mile yesterday and today, believe it or not, and that helped a lot. I got this nifty abdominal binder at the hospital and that helps a lot when I'm up and walking. I'm supposed to be wearing it all the time, but lately I'm lucky if I put it on while sleeping and walking. I need it while walking though. It helps a ton.

I'm eating normally, but tonight I think I overdid it. Eating too much just irritates things and so I need to slow down at times. My stomach feels fine so I forget that gas can still become an issue, as it kind of did tonight.

I know.. totally riveting stuff! Sorry, this is my life right now.

My mom has been cooking and cleaning and waiting on me hand and foot. And, most important of all, she's been great company. I love having her here! I am so blessed to have her, I really am. I don't want her to leave! But my poor father is all alone this week, so he needs her back. Not to mention my grandfather that lives with them. And her dogs. I know she misses the doggies! I am grateful to all of them for letting me have her for this long.

Well I'm tired (big surprise) so I better go to sleep. Tomorrow we might head out to the store for a bit if I feel up to it, so I need my rest!

Recovering

Well, reality kind of set in the last couple days. I have been in more pain, much worse than the first two days.

I really miss that handy button I could push for drugs in the hospital. I wish I had that every day. Feeling a little less than perfect? Just push the button and all your troubles will go away!

On Saturday morning, I started to get a gnawing feeling, like I was super hungry but I wasn't (it had nothing to do with hunger, just felt like it. Separately, I've been eating fine. Lots, actually). It was excruciating and wouldn't go away. We're still not sure if it was from the vicoden, the trapped gas, or both. After my second dose of vicoden and a nap, I woke up and felt much better. The same exact thing happened on Sunday. Woke up with pain, took a vicoden, got the terrible gnawing hunger feeling, suffered through it, took another vicoden hours later, fell asleep, and woke up feeling better. Both days, though, I felt sick again at night.

So to try to avoid that today, I stopped taking vicoden. Instead, I'm taking four advil every four hours (my doctor originally told me to switch between vicoden and four advil every four hours, so this isn't much different). So far, I do not have the terrible gnawing hunger feeling, but my abdomen does hurt more than it has in the last few days. That's fine. I'll take that over the other stuff.

Other than that, I am definitely out of it, but it's okay. I have nothing to do but sit on the couch. I just don't want to be nauseous. My stomach isn't totally fine, but I'm not in agony like the last couple days. And as long as I can eat, I'm content.

Well I've been working on this post off and on for several hours now so I'm just going to end it. Time for a nap.

I've been discharged!

I am resting comfortably in a hotel room right now! Dr. B discharged me from the hospital around 4 p.m. today. We're not home yet because my parents already had their hotel room tonight near the hospital so we decided to stay here for another night.

I can't believe I'm already out! Originally we were told 2-3 days, and it ended up being only one.

I'm doing really well. I feel great and my pain is under control (taking vicoden and advil). They moved me to solid food around eleven this morning and I've been eating ever since. I was totally looking forward to that! I didn't expect to have solid food today, I was just hoping for full liquids. Boy, I savored that food. And I vowed to never again take a meal for granted after having to starve for two days!

I am up and around and while my abdomen is kind of sore, I can move much more freely than I expected to be able to. Actually, in the middle of Dr. B talking to me, I reached down to pull up my sock and he stopped and pointed out that if I can do things like that, then I'm in really good shape!

My scar looks great. It's thin and narrow and I intend to keep it that way.

He also said that I really only have to be out of commission for like a week. I didn't expect to hear that! Well, I'm really not supposed to drive until I go to a follow-up appointment in two weeks, so I won't be entirely back to normal. But PPVI says you need six weeks to recover from a laparotomy, so this is definitely at a quicker pace. It's not like I'm going to push it though. It's not like I have a job and I don't need to do too much too quickly.

My surgery this time was also much less intensive than my last one. Last time it took around 3 1/2 hours and they removed my appendix, endometriomas from both ovaries, and lots of endo from around my abdomen. This time it was just one ovary and it only took like an hour and a half.

I'll update more later. Now it's time to eat some yummy non-diet food! One of the perks of recovery!

The best case scenario

Editors' note: Ryan is pinch hitting today for Ka.rey who is recovering from her surgery.

Good evening everyone! We are coming to you live from room 529 of the hospital. We are about three hours removed from learning the results of my wife's third surgery in two years. Praise God! We are so thankful to report that the news is as good as it could possibly be.

Judging from the mood of Ka.rey's last few posts, and I can also tell you from the forecast that she painted in the real world, she was quite sure that she was going to be spending tonight in utter despair after learning that the surgeon found some mysterious illness not previously discovered and of which there is no cure.

I have spent the last week trying to weed through her prognosis of gloom and doom to try and determine what would be the best case scenario and what would be the worst. Going into today my best hope was that Dr. L would come into the waiting room and inform me that Ka.rey had a cyst that she had to remove and that the ovary had to go with it. We had prepared ourselves for that inevitability, and we felt that as long as the left ovary could be saved we would be in good shape and thankful to God.

The worst case scenario was that both ovaries were in danger or needed to be removed and other issues existed as well. Perhaps endometriosis, adhesions or even worse. I was prepared for that and spent the entire time in the waiting room coming up with the right words to inform Ka.rey of the bad news. (Mind you, her "worst case scenario" went WAY beyond that)

Well here is the good news.. I didn't need that speech. In fact, I didn't even need to give her the news I considered to be the "best case." The results were much better than even that. She had two cysts on her right ovary - one was filled with fluid, while the other was an endometrioma. Not only was the ovary not removed, but Dr. L reported that Ka.rey was endo free, adhesion free, has clean tubes and two (as she described) "perfect ovaries." She actually seemed a bit sheepish when she said that she could have easily removed the cysts with a scope instead of opening her up. But it wasn't a total waste, because Kar.ey's scar was fixed.

She finished our brief consultation by saying, "We just need to figure out why she isn't getting pregnant."

So to say the least we are sending up prayers of thanksgiving. I remarked to Ka.rey when she first got back that it must have been hard for Our Lord to ignore the chorus of prayers that were sent his way. Thanks so much for the role you played and the support you have and will continue to provide.

Ka.rey is feeling great right now and we are excited to settle in with our favorite guilty pleasure B.ig Bro.the.r tonight!

Leaving tomorrow

Tomorrow morning we're off to northern VA, where we'll meet my parents at their hotel room. Ryan will drop me off, then head back to go to work. He'll then drive up Thursday morning for my surgery.

I'm praying I can get into my parents' room before check-in (which is at 3) so that I can start my bowel prep. I asked today how late I could start it and Dr. L said early afternoon at the latest. I need to get into that room! Could you imagine me sitting in the lobby, all by myself, drinking a gallon of glop and running to the bathroom?? What a nightmare! (Don't worry, I'm not going to do that under any circumstances).

So I've been petitioning Our Lady of Perpetual Help, asking for my parents' room to be ready early.

Tomorrow I can only have clear liquids (jello and broth are all that come to mind) and then after midnight I can't have anything, other than a sip of water to take my morning pills on Thursday morning.

I'm not looking forward to the bowel prep (who does?) and to being hungry and weak. But I can handle that. What I'm really, really not looking forward to is the anxiety. I'm really hoping that I can feel at peace tomorrow. Hopefully being with my mom will help with that.

Today I had some really good moments where I did feel at peace and also some bad moments where I just sat and cried. I'm trying to remind myself that I was this scared before my last two surgeries too. It's normal.

Everyone is trying to convince me that nothing is going to go wrong. I think I'm crossing into the realm of annoying at this point. But that's fine, because if they are annoyed then I know that I'm not being rational. Knowing I'm not being rational makes me feel better.

Now that you officially think I'm nuts...

I'm also due to start a new cycle tomorrow. If I don't, they're going to give me a pregnancy test before the surgery. Could you even imagine if they halted the surgery to tell me I was pregnant? Now that would be something! It's not going to happen though. I started feeling tonight like it was coming on.

Spiritually, I am doing okay. My mind does begin to wander every so often and starts thinking 'why me' but, thankfully, I have been able to push the thought out as quick as it comes. Looking at face.book is hard, though, because everyone's posting about their vacations or what they did that day with their kids, and all I can think is how I'd give anything to be like them right now. Not about to head into surgery. Not overcome with anxiety. Just living my normal boring life.

Sorry. I get dramatic when I'm anxious.

After reading St. Augustine a couple weeks ago (boy, did God ever know I'd need that), I know that it shouldn't be 'why me' but, rather, 'why not me?' There are millions of people worse off than I and I need to continue to praise God during this storm. And, hopefully, I won't look back on it as a storm, but rather a blessing.

Before my last surgery in Jan. '08, and upon the urging of a friend of mine, I emailed the Intercessors of the Lamb in Omaha, NE, to ask for their intercessory prayer. They emailed me back but it didn't come until a couple weeks after my surgery. As soon as I read the email - which was full of beautiful images they received about me while praying - I knew it would have helped me in the days leading up to the surgery.

Since it's too late to hear from them this time, and because their last email probably still applies to this surgery, I looked back over the email today and was comforted by its words. They described an image of Jesus as my doctor and Our Lady in a nurse's uniform holding my hand during surgery. They listed a couple hymns and told me to pray about the words. They spoke of an image of Our Lady, with angels all around her, handing me the baby Jesus.

They also specifically gave me a Scripture passage that came to them during prayer - Jeremiah 29:11 (little did I know at that time that I'd soon know my own "Jeremiah" who would become such a dear friend!). I re-read the passage today and it really gave me a sense of peace. I'm going to be repeating it a lot in the next two days. It's exactly what I need to remember:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Anxious

So I am doing okay overall, especially physically speaking (although I tire out even quicker than before), but I am definitely dealing with anxiety regarding this upcoming surgery. I have good moments and I have nervous moments.

Anxiety is nothing new for me and so I guess it is to be expected. I don't deal with anxiety on a daily basis, but it crops up a couple times a year depending on what's going on in my life. And when it happens, it usually consumes me.

Right now, I think it is mainly an issue of control. Last month I wanted surgery and was totally relaxed about the thought of going through it. This month I was told I needed it, therefore there was a loss of control.

I am kind of anticipating this surgery the way I would anticipate a flight. I am terribly afraid of flying. I cry for weeks ahead of a flight. Actually, now that I think about it, I am much better right now than if I had to fly this Thursday. But it's still very similar.

If I have to put it into words (which often helps me to get my anxiety under control) I would say I'm nervous about something going wrong during the surgery and/or getting bad news afterwards.

Yesterday I actually watched Discovery Health all day so that I could see that surgeries are routine. I should know - I've already had two! You, my blogger friends, have them all the time. I know my fear isn't rational, but that's why it's anxiety.

The show I watched did help me. It was called Bi.g Med.icine, and was about obese patients who were either getting weight loss surgery or skin removals after weight loss. In most cases, they were relatively unhealthy individuals who were at risk of complications and even they came out of surgery just fine. Not to mention several of the surgeries were also elective, so it was a good reminder that people actually want to have surgery in many cases.

I am probably making myself seem worse than I am. I'm doing okay for the most part. I have some moments where I cry and just want it to be all over with, but I'm fine most of the time. I never do well with having a lot of time to think about something. It's like this slow approach when you just want to get it behind you.

I'm trying to focus on the recovery. I'm really looking forward to my mom being here all next week to take care of me. Seriously, I can't even describe how much I'm looking forward to that! And I'm dreaming of recovering after surgery, knowing there were no complications and that the cyst was no big deal. Hopefully my ovary will be fine and the surgeon will have gotten rid of any endometriosis and/or adhesions. I will gladly recover for as long as it takes, just thankful that it all went well.

I'm praying, and that really does help. And I am eternally grateful for all your prayers as well. I can't even begin to put into words how loved I feel by all the prayers you have offered on my behalf. I will definitely offer up any pain and suffering I have during my recovery for all of you. And I might as well offer up my anxiety now too, and at least put it to some good use!

“Deliver us Lord from every evil and grant us peace in our day. In your mercy, keep us free from sin and deliver us from all anxiety…”

I ovulated!

Thank you all so much for your kind comments and prayers all this week. We are doing better today.

Physically, I'm doing a lot better. I don't think I previously mentioned this, but I had a low grade fever for the last four days and a little bit of intestinal upset. I figured it had something to do with the cyst, but I'm not sure. I'm praying it's not infected, and thankfully the fever went away today so that is a good thing.

I also failed to mention, probably because it got lost in all the hoopla, that I apparently ovulated this cycle. Yes, along with an 8 cm. cyst, there was also evidence of a ruptured follicle on the same ovary and it was the perfect size. So my ovary did something very wrong and very right all at the same time.

And I am trying to focus on the good news because, really, it's the first time in five years of infertility that I actually have evidence that I ovulated. Not that I haven't ever ovulated before, but I've never had actual proof.

In other news, I'm really starting to get stir crazy. My abdomen is sore and hurts a little when I walk. It's fine if I'm sitting, and if I'm laying down there's no pain whatsoever. So I spent the first part of the week in bed and today moved to the couch.

I'm just so lonely. Things are so out of whack here and my adrenal-fatigued self can barely take it. I hate when Ryan leaves for work each day and I know he hates leaving me too.

Right now I'm mainly nervous for the surgery itself. I'm nervous for the anesthesia and that the cyst may be serious. I'm still not worried about losing an ovary, but I am seriously praying that somehow, some way the cyst miraculously shrinks before Thursday.

I have moments of anxiety, but overall I'm getting much better.

On the bright side, I'm looking forward to tomorrow because a) it's Ryan's first day off since this terrible week began, and b) it's St. Maximilian Kolbe's feast day. I love St. Maximilian and always look forward to his feast day. I can't wait to go to Mass tomorrow morning to ask for his intercession. And I really want to celebrate his feast tomorrow by going out to dinner. We need it.

We will finish our novena to St. Maximilian tonight. What a novena it has been. I've never had so much happen during the course of nine days. I know you're supposed to ask for the same intention each day, but ours have changed drastically throughout. I'm really glad we had that to go back to each night.

Thanks again so much for all of your prayers. It really means so much to me. It brings tears to my eyes. Not that that's a hard task lately, but still.

An unimaginable week

So I have to have another surgery. Next week.

Yes, it has all happened very fast, and was completely traumatizing.

I was having some bad pain last week, right around ovulation time. When it didn't go away, and when I started getting nauseous from it, I called my doctor's office and asked for an ultrasound. That was on Monday.

I had the ultrasound Monday night and immediately started getting freaked out by the way the technician was acting. I tried to tell myself it was all in my head, but it was just different and I've had a lot of ultrasounds. Not to mention it was already one of the hardest days of my life.

Well, my suspicions were confirmed on Tuesday morning when Dr. B called to say I had a large cyst on my right ovary. He sounded very serious and I immediately started shaking and thought I might pass out. I woke up Ryan and put Dr. B on speaker phone. He said the cyst was 8x6x6 cm, when a normal ovary is more like 3-4 cm. And at my ultrasound in mid-June, the right ovary measured 4x3x4. So it doubled in size in less than two months.

He said part of it was fluid and part of it may be solid. Solid? My mind immediately went to cancer. I asked him if it could be and he said they didn't know. He didn't know.

Actually, this is when I really started shaking. I remember my arms felt like they were going to fall off. I could hardly speak and I was pacing.

So began another of the hardest days of my life.

I asked him if it could also be an endometrioma based on what it looked like on ultrasound and he said yes. He said what appears to be solid may actually be blood. That made me feel better.

After a few more phone calls, I had a surgery scheduled for August 20 and a pre-op appointment for this morning. I spent the day going back and forth between fear and calm. Well, I was never really calm, but I'd start to feel a little better after talking to several people who tried to convince me there was no way it was cancer.

But I was paranoid - I thought they were all saying that for my benefit. I called my husband immediately after he left for work just to see if he started crying when he got in the car. I made my mom swear to me that she wasn't going to get nervous after she hung up the phone. They all assured me that it was in my head.

I told myself that the odds are in my favor: I have endometriosis, have had huge bilateral endometriomas removed, have poly cystic ovaries, formed hemoraghic cysts four years ago when I moved to a higher dose of Clomid, and was on an increased dose of Tamoxifen this cycle. Not to mention I started hydrocortisone at the beginning of this cycle, which I believe some doctors don't let you combine with an ovulation medication. All signs pointed towards it being a benign cyst of some kind. If it was cancer, it would be a HUGE coincidence.

I went to bed feeling a little better, but woke up scared out of my mind. Today was hard. We drove to the doctors with me acting like a basket case. Praying was hard because I was scared that God would say no to my requests, something I am obviously familiar with. I know in my heart that he has our best interest in mind, but that doesn't mean his path for us won't be painful on a human level. But my mother basically ordered me to say a rosary, which I did.

I prayed my heart out, literally begging God for good news. I thought my brain and/or heart would simply explode if I was given more bad news at this appointment. I even said I would never beg for a baby again if things could be okay, and I meant it.

At the appointment, we waited for a while - me with a lovely paper shirt on and another paper draped across my lap. Not to be gross, but I sweated so much due to anxiety that the paper was literally stuck to me by the time I had to get dressed! I cried some more while Ryan comforted me. I just kept repeating the lyrics to "Be Not Afraid" and it really helped.

Finally, the doctor came in and the first thing she said was the Tamoxifen probably caused this. Praise Jesus!! That was just what I wanted to hear. It's funny how something that would have been upsetting just a few days earlier (since she had me take the increased dose of Tamoxifen when I wanted surgery) was music to my ears. It meant that she thought it was a regular cyst, caused by over stimulation.

She went on to say that she believes it's an endometrioma. She said it may just be a very big corpus luteum, but that it's more likely an endometrioma (Yay! The "other" thing it might be is even less of a big deal!). She also said one option was to just hold off on surgery and see if it shrinks on its own (Yay again! I don't want to do this option but the mere fact that it is an option means she doesn't think it's an emergency!).

We decided on a laparotomy because that's how she removes endometriomas. She is going to check with the radiologist to see if he thinks there's a chance it's just a corpus leteum, in which case she'd start with a laparoscopy and then switch to a laparotomy if it does end up being an endometrioma.

She's also going to get rid of any other endometriosis and/or adhesions that may be there.

Although we didn't discuss this, the laparotomy is going to likely mean another long recovery. That is fine. I am blessed to not have anything to do.

The laparotomy also means that she can fix my humongous scar!! She actually said she could!

On a more serious note, she did warn me I might lose my right ovary. She explained that my ovaries are already less than 100-percent because I've had endometriomas removed before. What was left of them at that time was reconstructed. This time, since the cyst is very large again, there may not be anything left after it's removed. Of course she's going to try to save it, but losing it is a distinct possibility.

But guess what? I don't care!

I'm not kidding. Thinking there's even a slight possibility that you could have cancer changes you. I don't mean to sound overly dramatic here, but it was the scariest thing that's ever happened to me and it made me realize I don't care if I ever have children. I'm serious. A life with my husband is all that I need. I will find joy, through serving God. Of course, we will always adopt, and I pledged yesterday to focus on that with renewed vigor. It just really forced me to put things in perspective. There are worse things than infertility, at least for me.

I don't know if this is theologically sound, but perhaps God wanted me to experience that fear so that I'd be able to handle losing an ovary. Last week, the mere thought of that would have sent shivers down my spine. And, as I've said to a few people today, maybe God is stripping me of what fertility I have left because he is setting up for me to have a full-fledge miracle. Getting pregnant right now would only be mildly impressive, but getting pregnant on one ovary will be a great story! Not that it will even be an actual miracle because, medically speaking, I will still have a shot. Knowing you don't qualify for a miracle is actually reassuring!

So I feel tremendously better tonight. My parents are coming for my surgery and my mom will stay the next week with me at my home. I'm nervous about the surgery, but that fear is manageable. I would love to ask for your prayers though, for a successful surgery and that the cyst does end up being nothing serious.

I still am in a very fragile emotional state though, so if you have any horror stories about cysts, please do not share them! Only good thoughts for me right now, since this has been the hardest week EVER. I can't even describe the pain and heartache I've experienced this week. I am completely drained.

I know God will deliver us though. It will get better. It already did today.

Bad news

Our beloved cat Carmie died today.

I am beside myself with grief. I am still in shock. He was only six years old.

Poor Ryan had to go to work. Please pray that he can look happy on t.v. I don't know how he'll do it.

I am so upset that I can't write anymore right now, but I will when I can. As Ryan said this morning, our animals are all we have. I'm sure you understand.

Pain

So I most likely ovulated on Thursday, and ever since the day prior to it I have been having pretty bad abdominal pain. It's centered somewhat on my right side (the side I should have ovulated on) but is mostly throughout the entire abdomen.

At first I thought this was a good sign - ovulation pain right as I was most likely ovulating. But now I'm getting worried. It can't be normal to have pain for five days around ovulation, right?

I'll try to describe how it feels. It's not what I call "endometriosis pain". That was more crampy and came in waves and happened right before a new cycle started. This is more like sharp pain, although it's sometimes dull, and happens when I move, sit, stand, etc. If I can stay still, I usually don't feel it.

It mainly hurts when I walk and as I sit down. I haven't taken advil mainly because I want to feel it so I know what is happening and also because of how I once read you shouldn't take advil around ovulation. My doctor told me that was a myth, but I still don't if I don't have to. That being said, I think I'm about to take some so I can go to church.

I will also add that my left ovary is the one that always gives me trouble, not my right. My left one had the huge endometrioma on it (my right did too, but not as large) and I have had pain on the left side nearly every cycle since the fall. I never have pain on my right side like this.

Could it be fluid from ovulation? And if that is it, should it still be causing pain four days later? Could the fact that it is still painful mean I have adhesions that are trapping the fluid or something? Or could it be a cyst that didn't rupture and it getting bigger?

I am calling my doctor's office tomorrow, of course, but probably won't get to talk to anyone. Maybe I'll call the front desk just so I can get a person and tell them I'm having pain and want an ultrasound.

In the meantime though, if you have any thoughts on what it may be, or if it sounds completely normal, please let me know!

Reflections

I think I'm still decompressing.

I had an amazing weekend, but it's difficult to describe. It was like a slumber party and intense therapy session all wrapped into one. You had the excitement of meeting new people who are actually anything but new to you. These girls know you're inner-most thoughts and feelings but you've never been in the same room.

It was awesome, fun, depressing, and uplifting. I cried, laughed, stressed, and left renewed. I don't think I realized how renewed I was until I was home. I also don't think I realized what had just happened until I was home.

I loved talking to people who, as JellyBelly put it best, "just get it."

As I've reflected on the experience since being home, I think I feel more protective of them all for some reason. As if I already wasn't riding their emotional roller coaster with them through their blogs, I'm pretty sure I'll now experience the highs and lows with greater intensity. I want them to succeed even more then before.

I also left feeling like I could take on the world. That feeling may subside, but I really feel like I left with greater courage. Maybe because what they say is true - there is strength in numbers.

I was also blessed to be able to document the weekend with my video camera. The girls let me interview them and were so very open about their struggles, just like they are on their blogs. Their testimonies were real, raw and beautifully heartbreaking.

God willing, I'm going to make a documentary of the experience - the struggle of Catholic infertility set against the backdrop of eight bloggers from around North America who met up in real life for one weekend. Friendships that were born out of a shared experience none of them asked for.

The movie won't be finished for many months, but hopefully I'll post some clips here in the meantime.

I'm so incredibly thankful for all the friendships I have made because of this blog. Those I met this weekend and those who couldn't make it. You have all helped me in so many ways and I wouldn't have known you if not for this cross.

There is an upside to infertility. We just need to focus on it more!