Nursing Essie

I went to a La Leche League meeting the other night and, since I arrived late, the women went around the room and re-introduced themselves for my benefit. It was after the second woman said her name, a little bit about her baby and then declared that she hasn't given her daughter even one drop of formula and several in the room cheered, that I became frozen with panic at the realization that I would likely have to pull out a bottle for Essie while there. And not just a bottle whose contents could be mistaken for breast milk. No. I would also be pulling out my little pink 3-chamber container and carefully pouring out the powder to mix with the water. 

Please, Essie, be okay with just my breast milk this one time, I begged her telepathically. She must have heard because I was spared the embarrassment of giving my baby a bottle of formula in the middle of a breast-feeding support group. Where they cheer for not using formula.

Turned out, though, that they wouldn't have minded. When it came time to tell my story - about our epic journey to pick up our little baby and how, by the grace of God, I was still nursing when this all happened and can now nurse an adopted child - they hung on my every word and when I was finished, the very kind leader (who actually appeared teary-eyed) told me what an inspiration I am to her, and others in the group spoke up in agreement. 

I know where to go if I'm having a bad day and need a little ego-boost.

I had to tell them, though, that what I did was easy. I just stuck her on there and she latched. It's the moms who adopt who weren't lactating, many who have never been pregnant, and yet are able to breastfeed who should really be commended. I don't know I would have had the stamina for all that.

The timing for me and Essie couldn't have been more perfect. I worried for so long that I'd never nurse again after Luke and then, out of the blue, we adopt a baby before I have weaned him. My prayer - one of those prayers your heart feels but you never actually voice - was answered and here I am, nursing a second baby, a baby I didn't birth. What a gift I have been given. 

Wearing my kangaroo care shirt with Essie

When I'm asked how nursing is going, I always answer "well." But I'm aware that 'well' means different things to different people. For me, it means that we nurse first and then give her a bottle of formula if she's still hungry. It means she latches great and there's no nipple confusion. It means I nurse several times a day and I think she really likes it. 

If I had needed to supplement Luke, I don't know that I would have considered it to be going 'well;' we mother can be hard on ourselves when it comes to nursing. But there are definitely different - lower - expectations when the child you are trying to nurse was adopted. I wasn't pregnant, I didn't give birth, there aren't all the necessary hormones, my body didn't expect to have this sudden demand. Yet, here we are - nursing. 

I didn't nurse her until day two of her life. I only saw her briefly on her birth day and while I knew her birth mom was okay with me nursing, it was late, we were there with the kids for a quick visit, and it just didn't seem like the right time. That didn't bother me because I was going into it with those low expectations - whatever I was able to do would be fine. If she didn't latch, she didn't latch. I've fed a baby formula before and she is healthy and perfect. Formula might not be ideal, but I know it's also not as evil as some people can make it seem.

Essie was discharged on day two and as soon as we arrived back at our hotel, I sat down with a pillow and the baby and gave her my breast. She latched on immediately.

I nursed her that afternoon, evening, and night, although I had to wake her up for more than half those feedings. Day three was Christmas and we were spending it at the home of the lovely lady who was our link to this adoption, Leila. I was starting to get a little concerned that Essie was too tired, but I wasn't sure if that was because she was just in that sleepy newborn phase (which we never experienced with colicky Luke, so we didn't know what it would be like) or if she was becoming lethargic from not eating enough. It was on my radar that my supply was such a big unknown, and it worried me.

I talked about it with Leila, we found that her diaper was dry (despite having just eaten), and so we headed to the nearest pharmacy to pick up some formula. I was fine with it. It was about getting my baby - my very small baby - enough to nourish her, and if I couldn't provide it, formula would. Soon after, she started to wake up more, which lead to her being hungry more, and she began to gain more in the days that followed.

From the start of adding formula, I always nursed her first, then once she either nursed for 30 to 45 minutes or pulled off and was fussy (which lead me to believe the milk had slowed), I went to the bottle. Right now, she will take three to four ounces of formula after nursing.

One other little complication - and the reason, we believe, that she takes so long to nurse - is that she has a slight tongue tie. We have gotten differing opinions on whether this needs to be fixed, so as of right now it hasn't been. But because I believe we need all the help we can get with nursing, I'm going to ask her pediatrician to refer us to a doctor who will take care of it.

Despite not being afraid of supplementing with formula, I am trying to reduce the amount we are giving her. It's expensive, bottles are a hassle and it doesn't help my supply to stay in this current pattern. I think I was getting lazy and relying on the bottle a little too much. So instead of giving up when she first pulls off, I'm now trying to power through and get her to take a little more breast milk. It's been working and I have reduced the amount of formula we give her.

I'd love to get rid of formula all together, but that just may not be in our future. If I can get around to renting a hospital-grade pump (recommended by the LLL leader), I'm going to try to start pumping in between feedings to increase my supply, but that's about all I'll probably do. I'm aware of all the medications and supplements, but I haven't felt motivated to take any. Although I swear I have more breast milk on days I eat oatmeal in the morning.

And then there's the issue of weight gain, which no breastfeeding post would be complete without discussing. She's doing amazingly well in that department. She is now up to seven-and-a-half pounds. That's up two pounds from her lowest weight and she's gained a pound in the last week-and-a-half.

I know - despite the prominently displayed warnings on formula containers that make me think of those on cigarette boxes - that formula is okay. It really, truly is. Adopting will bring you to that realization pretty quickly. Clara is fine. My friends' formula-fed babies are wonderful. I'm not special because I can nurse Essie, I'm just lucky because I like doing it. And I hate washing bottles. I still am, of course, washing bottles, but at least it's far less of them.

It's all about expectations and since mine are low, we're going to be okay. We are okay. Essie's wonderful and amazing and apparently likes nursing and we're so very, very blessed. 

My heroes

Courage is the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. "Physical courage" is courage in the face of physical pain, hardship, death, or threat of death, while "moral courage" is the ability to act rightly in the face of popular opposition, shame, scandal, or discouragement. (Source: Wikipedia)

I can't help but think of all the courageous birth moms on this anniversary of Roe v. Wade. Especially the beautiful one we were blessed to meet just last month, through whom we were able to glimpse at least a small part of the journey these incredible women take towards adoption. 

Think about it: in our Culture of Death, in our abortion-on-demand society where it's so easy to head over to the local abortion clinic and take care of it... in a society where - ironically - adoption is the option that has been stigmatized... these women decide to carry a child for nine months, a good portion of which time they can't hide that they are pregnant... they may face criticism or feel shame, they may be ostracized from their families, pressured by the baby's father... they may have to fight for their babies, the children's first protectors... going to work and school becomes difficult or impossible, their lives are (at least temporarily) thrown off course... they endure all the aches of pregnancy, followed by the pains of labor... and then lovingly place their sweet baby in the arms of another couple.

It's heartbreaking. It's selfless. It's, in my opinion, the highest form of courage. It's true love.

Birth moms (and dads) are my heroes. Especially the two who have touched our lives.

My love and admiration for them is something words cannot even describe. But it makes me want to be a better mother every single day. 

Out on my own

Ryan worked a rare day-shift today, and Clara had ballet class at the gym, which means I had to break my cardinal rule. I took all three out by myself. 

I cheated a little because Ryan was around to help me get them ready and in the car, but I flew solo for the always-dangerous parking-lot walk in and out, wrangling of two crazy toddlers who have a proclivity to run for the gym doors, getting Clara to and from her second-floor class, and even a visit to the potty. All while a baby slept soundly on my chest in her carrier. 

Before you think that I have it all under control, I will share this little story with you. As I start pulling out of my parking spot, heading for home - and I'm thinking, Man, I've got this! - I hear Luke say from the back, "I'm going for a ride!" 

Okay. He's riding in a car, like he does almost every day. The kid has ridden in a van practically cross-country, for goodness sake. What is he talking about, going for a ride?

Then it hit me: he's not strapped in. I threw him in his seat, went to the other side to strap in the girls, and never went back to him. And he apparently saw this new-found freedom as "going for a ride."

Glad I figured that out sooner rather than later. Crisis averted. And I'm good with staying at home for a while.

Because I think little girls in tutus and ballet slippers are beyond adorable, I just have to share this video of Clara at class. There are some much funnier clips of her free-styling while everyone else is practicing first position, but they show too many other kids' faces, so this will have to do...

Somehow, in the craziness of today, I found time today to finally take some photos of Essie. I know what you're thinking - Hasn't she already taken a ton of photos of her? Yes. Yes, I have. But none were part of what I considered an official photo shoot. I still don't necessarily consider this one, but it's the closest I think we're going to get.

Lucky for me, she LOVES looking right at the lens.

Though tiny, she's already too old and alert to be posed like a pliable newborn. This was the most she'd let me do...

So happy I did get a shot of her little newborn (actually, nearly four weeks old) body...

 She even gave me a few little smiles...

And she's as sweet as she looks. Thank God, because her two older siblings are giving me a run for my money lately. She just sleeps through it all.

Life with Essie

Things are good. 

I'm starting to feel the effects of nursing on and off all night - sore back, never really sleeping soundly, cranky husband who hasn't slept much either since he so generously gets up to top her off with a bottle of formula. You know, the usual of life with a newborn.

But lack of sleep aside, we seem to be getting the hang of being outnumbered by children. Actually, that makes it sound like I think Ryan and I should take credit for that. The truth is we have a great baby in Essie, and two toddlers that are so good at fighting playing with each other that they really keep each other occupied. 

And we rarely leave the house. 

That's my personal secret to adding a child to the home: don't go anywhere until you absolutely have to.  At least, not just you and them. That's crazy talk. You, of course, can go anywhere you want alone. That's encouraged.

That being said, I'm actually entertaining the idea of going to a La Leche League meeting with all three (and I probably would have today if I wasn't terrified of Essie getting the flu) because I'd like to get some insight on our nursing routine. But since the flu threat doesn't seem to be waning, maybe it needs to be a topic for a future post. 

Overall, though, nursing is going well. I'm supplementing with formula and I'm still wondering about her possible tongue tie. Our pediatrician said it's not severe enough to treat, but she nurses for a loooong time, which I've heard can happen with that. So I might ask the doctor if she could reconsider taking care of it. 

Essie is an absolute sweetheart. She's super alert, which always seems funny since she is so tiny. The most common comment I hear from people (after "she's so small", of course) is that she looks like a doll. She's actually been mistaken for one more than once.

She's still in that alien phase, of course. Eat, sleep, poop, cry, look around with big eyes (as if she's wondering, where the heck am I???), repeat. It's so amazing when they emerge and start to interact. And then suddenly they're two and they're in their bedroom yelling, "Mommy, I pooped on my floor! Go away poop!" as you type a blog post.  

Oh, my crazy toddlers. Clara has informed me more than once that "Mama, babies don't talk," most likely to remind herself of this fact as she anxiously awaits the day Essie will become the lifelong playmate everyone has been telling her about. 

Doing their best looking-away-in-boredom faces

So we're settling into a new routine which includes, most importantly, loving on our little six-and-a-half-pound munchkin. My house is a mess, my floors are unswept, dirty laundry is piling up, clean laundry needs to be folded, I haven't cooked a meal since we've been back, and I might have forgotten how to get to the gym, but it's the happiest I've been in a long, long time. Life with Essie is pretty amazing.

Amazed

We talked about adoption almost from the get-go. Attended seminars, both phone and in-person. Called social workers, agencies. Even sent non-refundable deposits. 

But I couldn't do it. I had a hang-up. A very shallow, immature - perhaps understandable? - hang-up.

I wanted it to be special. 

I remember where we were - in the car, heading to adoration - when I finally gave in and said aloud why I had been putting the breaks on adoption. My previous silence was proof even I knew I was nuts.

It came out sounding just like I knew it would. Silly. Shallow. But honest.

Through tears I said how I hated the thought of signing with an agency and getting a baby after a year or two wait. I will feel like we chose for it to happen. I wanted God to write our story. I wanted Him to give us a baby.

It was the last hurdle between us and adoption (and, no doubt, rooted in the realization that I would likely never conceive). It needed to be said. I said it, I heard myself say it in all its craziness (what did I want? A baby left on my doorstep?), Ryan told me why that was silly, and why it would all be okay. And it was. We started the process to adopt through an agency shortly after.

And what does God do?

He takes bratty old me and actually answers that shallow prayer.

He gave me two insane adoption stories, a pregnancy mixed in for good measure, and three beautiful babes, three and under.

He took my hang-up, helped me work through it, waited as I came around and realized the beauty of adopting - through an agency or however - and then BAM! Gives me what I had originally hoped for. And not once, but twice.

I'm humbled. It's embarrassing knowing how I used to feel and how God not only forgave me for it, but actually granted that immature wish.

I don't deserve it. I don't understand it. But I have to believe it has to do with Him being Love.

And every day, I'm completely amazed.

Settling in

It hasn't been too crazy. Then again, none of it has. This entire experience, starting a few months ago, has been so grace-filled.

I know I was pretty vague in the beginning, and I'm not sure I painted a clear picture of anything with my travel updates, so I want to answer some commonly asked questions about this adoption. I have noticed that everyone wonders about the same things, so I might as well answer them all in one place.

How was the trip?
I know it may seem hard to believe, but our trip honestly went smoothly.

The stats of it are enough to make you car sick. On the way there, we drove 36 hours in two-and-a-half days. Our longest day was 16 hours and that's just the time that google maps told us it would take, not counting stops for food and gas. Our children - ages two and three - sat, rear-facing, in their car seats for hours and hours on end, eating at all sorts of odd times, finally getting into the hotel each night around 2 a.m.

And they were amazing. Words cannot describe how well behaved they were. They are much, much crazier at home on any given day.

I am absolutely convinced it was due to God's grace that the trip went as well as it did. There is no other explanation for it.

But, really, how did you do it?
I really, truly credit God for the incredible drive, but we did get a lot of help from DVD players. My kids now know the words to the latest Thomas movie by heart. And I think Ryan might too (I'm pretty good at tuning it out). They also watched Fireman Sam, Lady and the Tramp, and another Thomas video. They weren't big on variety.

They also each got LeapPad Explorers for Christmas, which kept them quiet and enthralled for hours. And I discovered today that, thanks to a video on their LeapPads, Luke and Clara now know what sound each letter makes. Who says technology is bad for kids? There is no way I could have (or would have) taught them all that by this point!

Now that you're home, are you exhausted from the trip?
Honestly, this might sound strange, but no! I woke up every morning on the trip ready to go, when I am normally anything but an early riser. I think it was not only the obvious excitement of bringing a new baby into our family, but also the amazing adventure we were on. I was definitely going on adrenaline. And maybe I still am, because I feel great. It helped having my parents visit this weekend though. I was able to ease back into laundry, dishes and being alone all day with the kids.

What agency did you use for this adoption?
We didn't use an agency. This is probably where I have been the most vague, but what I will say is this: Both of our adoptions have come from friends (and blog friends, no less) who knew we were open to adoption and put us in touch with potential adoption situations. We found out about both babies via connections made from social media.

While we were on a waiting list with a local agency when we found out about Clara, we were not even home study approved this time around. We hadn't even started seriously thinking about adopting again! So when this situation arose, we hurried up and contacted our local agency and became home study approved (just in the nick of time, too). The birth mom used a lawyer who was local to her, and we hired a lawyer near us as well. While they do deal with adoptions on a regular basis, the lawyers were not adoption attorneys in the sense that they hook waiting families up with birth parents. All they did was the legal work necessary to allow us to adopt.

While our situations may not be the norm, I would say that couples waiting to adopt can always put out feelers, making sure everyone they know is aware that they are waiting to adopt. If this has happened to us twice, it could happen to you too. Of course, work with an agency and get on a list, but never stop spreading the word through a blog, facebook, a letter to friends and family. You never know how God might choose to grow your family.

How are you able to nurse?
I'm able to nurse because I was still nursing my then one-year-old son when we found out about this adoption. I am not taking any medications or supplements, nor am I pumping. I'm just too lazy busy.

How is nursing going?
Awesome! If you consider nursing and then supplementing with a bottle afterwards awesome... which I do. I exclusively nursed at first, but when Essie was pretty sleepy and not having many wet diapers, I added two ounces of formula after I'd breastfeed, which lead to her being much less lethargic and putting out a better amount of urine. Then the occasional bottle eventually became a bottle after each time we nurse. She's a hungry girl! I'm guessing I just don't have enough yet to fill her up, but she seems like she loves to nurse and doesn't have any nipple confusion. And she must be getting something from me because otherwise she would not put up with it when she's hungry.

What do Clara and Luke think?
They definitely love her and are super cute with her, but I don't have to keep them away from her too much, which is nice. They just go about their business, playing with their toys (they SO missed their toys!) and tackling each other, and occasionally making cooing sounds at Essie or sweetly shushing her when she cries.

Luke did have a moment when I first sat down to nurse her in our hotel. He came up and hit the pillow she was on with both hands (although careful not to actually touch her) and said, "No nurse baby Essie, Mommy!" But that was it. The worst he does now is demand to tandem nurse, but he's definitely accepted that the baby nurses now and he has to share. Incidentally, it's Essie who is not a big fan of sharing. So we tandem maybe once a day at the most.

They're doing really, really well, though. Today was my first day alone and it went great. It helps that Essie is an absolutely incredible baby. Incredible.

Sometimes I still can't believe this happened. God truly amazes me with how he has answered my prayer to grow our family according to His will. And I get to raise these three precious souls.

Almost there

I'm pretty sure my kids think we live in our car.

We told them we might make it home tonight and Clara responded, "I don't want to go home. I want to stay in a hotel." It's actually pretty amazing how well they just adjust. If we had another week of this left, I think they'd be just fine. I don't know if the same could be said for Ryan and me.

It has been fun though. An adventure, for sure. Monday night we rang in the New Year in our Kansas hotel room. We made it there not too long before midnight. Tuesday night we stayed at Great Wolf Lodge, the indoor water park hotel. We thought the kids deserved some fun after all they've been through.

The next night we stayed with a dear blogger friend, D, and her family. We hadn't seen them since they moved several states away so it was great to visit and meet their youngest daughter for the first time.

It was also my birthday yesterday and she surprised me with a cake. It was so sweet of her. I had a great day. Although after having the stomach bug on my birthday the last two years, I was happy to just feel well this year!

Essie Grace is amazing. She's such a great little traveler. I have this complex, though, that everyone who see us wonders what the heck we're doing out with a teeny baby, but I just have to let that go. They probably aren't thinking it as often as I think they are, and even if they are, they just don't know the story.

One thing I am happy about is that I'm still getting the you-look-great-for-just-having-a-baby comments, that wonderful perk of adoption. I'm not exactly at my thinnest (and two weeks of eating out - mainly fast-food - doesn't help much in that department) and I wouldn't have been surprised if people looked at the baby, looked at me, and thought, "ya, that's about right."

Well just about seven more hours to go. It'll be so nice not to live out of a suitcase. Not having to pack every morning. Being able to just hold Essie. Sleep in our own beds. Eat our own food. And back to cooking and cleaning. There are some perks to life on the road :)