A lifetime ago

The other day, I took the kids to the TV station where Ryan works to have dinner with him. We visit a few times a year, usually on holidays when things are a little more laid back. This time it was Memorial Day, so while everyone else was outside enjoying barbecues, we were in an air-conditioned newsroom having some chicken tenders and fries.

After dinner they helped their daddy write some stories for the 11 o'clock news...

We always venture out to the set to take the obligatory photo at the anchor desk and this time was no different. What's cuter than babies pretending to do the news?

We've taken others over the past couple years. Here's one from last Fall...

And our first one after bringing Clara home (one of my favorite pictures of all time)...

After we got home, Clara and Luke's anchor-desk photo inspired me to dig out some video from when I was on TV. I dusted off the VCR and popped in an old VHS tape.

For those who don't know, I used to be a TV news anchor and reporter. Ryan and I also used to co-anchor together. We were dating at the time and our bosses actually created a show (the Live at Five News Hour) just for us.

As the kids and I watched the tape, Clara and Luke easily identified their ten-years-younger father. But even after I told them it was mommy on the screen too, they just stared at me blankly, clearly thinking, Okay, lady. Whatever you say.

Anyway, here we are, all young and skinny and BLOND...

Somehow, I thought at the time that I just had a few "highlights."

And here we are with our serious anchor faces...

I don't even recognize that person! I was probably 24 here. The hardest part of my life was just ahead of me and I had no idea. It seems like a lifetime ago that I worked in TV news, that I shared Ryan's profession, that I thought my future was as an anchor or reporter and that maybe one day I'd be discovered. I'm sure I thought having kids would be easy too.

If I think about it too long, I might envy that girl's naivety and hopefulness. And I might wonder what could have been if things happened differently. But now that I know how it all turned out, I wouldn't dream of changing it. I'd take my two little ones sitting at that anchor desk over me any day.

They'd probably get better ratings anyway ;)

DIY Water Table

Clara and Luke have a new favorite toy. Their very own homemade water table...

Clara's been known to ask if she can use it as soon as she wakes up. Luke even chants, "Water table! Water table!"

They'd both play with it all day if they could. Naps? Meals? Why, those are for children without tubs full of water and measuring cups at their disposal!

I decided a while back that we needed our very own water table to occupy them in the afternoons after their naps and before dinner. That's our tough time, as I'm sure it is for most families. I knew they loved playing with water at friends' houses, and always for very extended amounts of time (score!).

Buying one wasn't really an option because they aren't cheap. And while we are not all that handy, conquering our DIY Play Kitchen showed us anything is possible (sorry, honey.. I know you wished it had instead showed us that one project was more than enough for a lifetime).

So just like with the play kitchen, I decided we'd just wing it. What? That doesn't sound like what people who are not handy do? I guess that's just my personality (Ryan has to come along for the ride due to marriage). I prefer not to follow directions or patterns for most things (like sewing) because they intimidate me and would probably make me give up before I even started.

I did scour the internet, though, and took some general ideas from tables I found. And we decided that if we were going to do it, why not make it a double table? Luke's always getting in Clara's business these days.

We started with some warped wood we had behind our shed that came with the house. See, the problem with warped wood is that it's not level. Luckily, we don't necessarily cut straight, so (as you can see in the photo below) the diagonal cut matches up perfectly with the warped wood!

Ryan did an amazing job and it was done in no time. I'd give you step-by-step instructions, but then you'd really see we had no idea what we were doing! But I'll try to tell you what we did very generally speaking, only because I found most blogs don't give instructions and that irritated me (even though I had no intention of using them!). So I'll apologize now for how silly this might sound.

First, we purchased two plastic tubs (Sterilite under bed containers with lips all the way around the edges) with lids. Lids are key because you can dump out the water and close them up (with toys inside) when not in use. They're also nice for times when you might have sand or rice on one side and don't feel like having the kids make a great big mess with the water on the other side.

He then measured the wood so that it would fit exactly around the two tubs. As you might be able to see, the plastic lips around the tubs are sitting on the wood on all four sides. We were going to put a piece of wood below them too, but it really didn't need it. They stay perfectly.

There are two long pieces and two short pieces on the ends which he screwed into place and also reinforced with wood glue. He then attached the wood piece across the middle.

The legs are 2x2's that I purchased and had them cut down for me at the store (which I highly recommend! Why didn't I know about this sooner?). They were also glued and screwed into place on the inside corners and in the middle (that is making it sound easier than it was - getting them all level was HARD!).

Then we sanded, primed, painted and sealed. And we were done! Sooooo much easier than the play kitchen. And as you can see in these pictures, it's not perfect. But it works and I think it looks pretty nice, if I do say so myself.

 And the kids absolutely love it, which is really all that matters!

Just had to share this (*Updated with new video*)

Some of you are probably like me. You let your kids watch television.

I know, I know. I'm probably scandalizing some of you right now. But the fact of the matter is my kids are familiar with TV. They even have favorite shows (gasp!) and Elmo, Super Why, Simba and Muno are some of their favorite things (I would include Thomas in that, but they don't care at all for the show. Just the toys!).

Now, granted, even as a TV-loving mom, I know there's such a thing as too much. I typically let them watch it after their naps while I'm in the kitchen making dinner (basically I need something to capture their attention and keep them from jumping off of the furniture). And it's definitely a go-to activity when I'm feeling less than perfect (which has been a lot in recent days). I try not to abuse it, but there is always a little guilt factor there when I let them watch a bit too much.

But not anymore. That's because one day while searching YouTube for some Catholic videos for them, I came across a cartoon that was about a brother (as in priest). Since this time the clip was just a very short preview (we watch a fair amount of YouTube videos around here.. they're free, after all!), I just had to actually order it.

And oh my gosh, the kids love it. It's a really well-done cartoon video (the production value is on par with any kids show out there) with catchy music that also happens to be totally Catholic (and really orthodox!). I believe there are four in the series and they all star the title character, Brother Francis. The video we have is all about the Rosary, complete with the Our Father, Hail Mary, Creed, and an explanation of the Mysteries. Clara already knew the Hail Mary, but now knows the Our Father because of this video, and Luke loves saying "Hail Mary" now. And after the very first time they watched it, Clara used the word "mystery." Not necessarily in the proper context, but I couldn't believe it was already sinking in on some level!

They'd be happy if it was the only thing they ever watched, which it actually is these days. They get so excited when I put it on and dance like crazy. Here's a clip of them in action...

So no more guilt. I can make dinner and know they are learning about the Rosary. It's a win-win!

Is this starting to sound like I am doing a paid promotion? Haha.. I wish! Although it might seem like it from my overly enthusiastic post, I am not. I just love it, and thought you might too. I was always looking for a good Catholic video for my kids (if I'm going to let them watch something, why not have it be teaching them about their faith?), but thought there wasn't really anything out there. I even considered taping me and my husband saying all the prayers for them to watch! Thank God it didn't come to that ;)

Here's the website if you're interested. I'm definitely going to get the other videos at some point. Let me know if you do, and if you like them!

*Update - I discovered last night during bedtime prayers that Clara knows the Hail Holy Queen. What?! It is ALL from this video. I've literally never tried to teach it to her, ever. Who says TV's not good for anything? ;)

Here she is saying it today (with a lot of help from me since she kept getting caught up on the "children of Eve" part and just kept repeating it). As you'll see, she still can't even form most words correctly with her little bitty toddler mouth, but if you know the prayer you should be able to make it out. And obviously she has NO idea what she is saying, but hopefully she will soon enough!

Seriously...

...Will this not be the most perfect picture to show at their wedding???

We'll add it to the rapidly growing collection, which also includes this...

And, of course, this...

(Now that I think about it, I might have done a post similar to this one not that long ago. Oh well. Can you really see too much of their first-meeting pic?)

Anyway, since we're already here, I've got a few more cute pictures from the other night...

Very serious about eating their B Dubs (although, in reality, there was so much giggling I don't know how they ate at all)

Please squint and pretend this one's not all blurry

Don't worry, I won't share with you every time we take an adorable photo of these two. Or.. actually.. that's probably a promise I really can't keep. Never mind :)

Choosing my children over my phone

I read something today that really hit home. You may have seen it on Facebook; my husband was already somewhat familiar with it when I told him about it tonight. It's a blog post about missing out on your children's lives due to constant use of mobile devices.

Deep down I know I have a problem with this, but I probably could have just shrugged it off and moved on to the next online item if not for this line (part of the author's instructions on "How to Miss a Childhood"):

*Carry your phone around so much that when you happen to leave it in one room your child will come running with it proudly in hand - treating it more like a much-needed breathing apparatus than a communication device.

That is when the tears started rolling.

I wish I could say that the time Clara did this exact thing today was the first time she ever did it. But it wasn't. "Mommy! Mommy!" she'll call after me, if I leave her - and my phone - behind in a room. "Your phone, Mommy!" Then she proudly hands it to me, like she has just done me the biggest favor possible.

I always feel a pang of regret when this happens. Even though before tonight I had never dwelled on it (so to protect myself and my constant-phone-using ways), I still, in those few seconds as it is happening, knew that it was wrong. That my two-year-old shouldn't chase after me as if I've forgotten my arm.

And that's how she probably sees it - as an extension of me, constantly attached to my hand.

I gave up Facebook for Lent but that didn't mean anything, except that I wasn't on Facebook. Despite posting as my last Fat Tuesday status update that, "My kids are going to wonder why my phone is no longer attached to my hand!", I did not decrease the time I spent on my iPhone by one second. I'm serious. Not one second. Facebook was replaced by People.com and any other completely worthless site that I could find.

I have a constant need to fill time. I don't mean to choose it over my children, but if there is a free moment, if they are reading by themselves, or playing together, I pick up my phone completely out of habit. And then one thing leads to another and once they do need me, I am in the middle of composing a comment that takes ten minutes to type out with one finger.

I think - I hope - that I've never ignored them, but I can't honestly say that I've never put their wants and needs off because of it. I can just hear myself telling Clara, "Just a minute, sweetie. Be patient." It's a good lesson, I tell myself. She can't always have everything right when she wants it. While that may be true, my motives aren't. And sometimes their needs should be met with more urgency. They're toddlers. And yet I'm on my phone.

It's evident Clara and Luke know where our mobile devices rank in our household. They hold them in very high regard, just like they see modeled by us. They are obsessive about the iPad, or "oPad" as they call it. While child-friendly apps were a novelty when we first bought it last Fall, we soon learned they can't function once it is taken away. No matter how well-behaved they are while using it, a temper tantrum erupts when their time has ended. So it's off limits and usually out of sight.

And then there are our phones. Because they are not put up, but rather are sitting out on end tables, they are a constant desire and prize. Clara gets in trouble all day, every day for picking up my phone. She grabs it any chance she gets and jumps immediately onto YouTube. She'll be watching a Thomas video in the two seconds before I can snatch it back from her little hands. Like most toddlers nowadays, she's good.

And, while she knows that it'll land her in time-out, she has apparently decided the risk is worth the reward, even just two seconds of it. When she sees that I've caught her, she hands it right back, saying, "Sorry, Mommy! Thank you, Mommy!" (We always laugh that she thanks us inappropriately, like she's wise beyond her years and appreciative of the discipline).

How can I blame her for coveting my phone, or the iPad? We have taught them that they are special. If Mommy and Daddy are looking at these things all day long, surely they are something of importance. Something that sometimes we choose over even them, the light of our lives, our sweet babies who we prayed for years and years and years for.

I'm sickened even typing that.

Something has to change. I don't want my children to think of my phone when they think of me, my head buried in it as my thumb scrolls through screens. I don't want them to think the phone is important. I don't want them to grow up and choose technology over people. I don't want them to one day realize I could have given them more attention if I hadn't been on it so much. I don't want them to ever, ever, ever think they were loved any less than they are.

And this time I can't just say that I'm doing it, like in my status update. I really have to.

Ryan's on board. I nervously mentioned it to him tonight. "Nervously," because he's a big phone-user too, and I worried that he might get defensive at the suggestion. But he didn't at all. He was awesome about it and completely on board and helped to set ground rules immediately.

It starts with putting our phones in a room where they children are not. For now, that will be the kitchen. I will leave it on, and actually turn the ringer volume up (I always have it on silent - something you can do when it never leaves your hand) so that I don't check it out of worry that someone might be calling me, but it will stay on our hutch. There won't be a moratorium on checking it, partly because that would set me up for failure, but also because if it's in another room I can't possibly check it as much as when it's on my person. Although I'll have to police myself so that I don't suddenly just happen to start hanging out in the kitchen.

After all, who do I possibly need to get in touch with anyway? Nobody has an urgent need to contact me. I am a mother. My work is right in front of me in the home. I have the luxury of being free and unattached, and I should start acting like it and taking advantage of that.

There are always some things that will need to get done, but Ryan - someone who works a lot from home - even agreed tonight that it's more important to choose time with the kids over working outside of business hours.

My biggest worry is that my weakness for wanting adult interaction will get the better of me. I have found that there is just this desire to connect to others. I'd much rather it be with a neighbor, but that doesn't exist for me. So I look forward to reading new comments on my blog posts and Facebook pictures. It's a weird, modern conversation that, in the end, doesn't actually fulfill me. It just leaves me wanting more feedback, which means more posting. Which means more time on my phone.

I think I will find that fulfillment I crave in actually connecting more with my children. Because in attempting to connect with others, I am actually disconnecting from everyone, most importantly the people right in front of me. I am going to commit to diving head-first into their day, which may sound odd because I am a stay-at-home mom. Don't I already do that? Well, if you have to ask, then you don't have a phone problem.

I hope this is the first day of a new chapter. I hope I can get my priorities in order and never choose my phone over my children again. I hope I can be as successful with this as I want to be. Please pray for me.

Prayers for Anne

I watched the phenomenon sweep the blogs. I looked early on, but was too mortified to go back.

Then it got bigger and bigger, almost inescapable. I didn't understand all the lingo (and still don't), but I found myself paying closer attention, and praying. I gave in and spent a night on the website, looking at every picture. Then I read that I could become a prayer warrior for a child and I knew what I had to do.

I sent an email to Reece's Rainbow and eagerly awaited the response. Who would be our child?

I teared up when I saw her...

...because along with being totally adorable (and dressed like a little princess in a beautiful pink dress, pink shoes and big hair bow), she has epilepsy. You know who else has epilepsy? Ryan. Or, had it (he's been seizure free for more than ten years). I can't help but think we were meant to pray for her.

Her name is Anne. She's four years old. And epilepsy is her only medical issue, as far as I know. Yet she's in an orphanage, without a family of her own.

It's shocking to think that epilepsy - something Ryan has dealt with, something other relatives of mine deal with - is the reason that this sweet little girl is living in an orphanage. Yes, it can be a debilitating disorder. Sometimes extremely difficult to treat. And in Anne it appears to have caused some delays. But it breaks my heart to think it's keeping her from having a mommy and a daddy.

I pray all throughout the day for little Anne, and we pray for her at meal times and before bed with the kids. Clara already knows Anne's name and says it specifically (along with constantly asking Jesus for "another baby" lately, but that's a topic for another post!).

Tonight, as we knelt on the floor of Clara's room and prayed for Anne during bed-time prayers, my heart simultaneously filled with joy and broke when Clara asked Jesus for a "mommy bring her home."

Our family knows a little something about a mommy (and daddy) bringing a baby home. And what an enormous blessing adoption can be. How more good than could ever be imagined can come from a broken situation. And how that sweet child can nestle her way into your heart in ways you never thought possible. I could go on and on.

Anne needs her very own mommy to bring her home. A mommy and a daddy, and maybe even siblings, to cuddle her, make her giggle uncontrollably, and kiss her goodnight. She should be kneeling on the floor of her very own bedroom saying her bed-time prayers.

Please join me in praying that beautiful Anne's mommy and daddy do find her, and quickly. And for healing for her epilepsy. And for all the innocent little sweethearts at Reece's Rainbow.

If you'd like to read more about Anne, and even consider donating to her adoption fund, go here.

And if you want to become a prayer warrior, go here. You won't regret it.

Love goggles

I'm worried. I'm nervous each and every day that today will be the day that my kids see me for what I really am, and not this super-hero that they think they see.

I'm serious. I have what you might call some negative self-image issues and so, for me, it's a constant worry that one day my kids will see the real me which, in my mind, they won't possibly be able to like. At least not in the way that they absolutely adore me now.

I feel like I'm flying under the radar. Babies are easy to fool. They love you no matter what, or at least as long as you feed them. I'm good at that. I can feed my babies.

They also need love. And I'm great at loving them. No problem there.

But soon they are going to want more than love and food. I honestly fear the day when a lightbulb goes off in their little minds and they take off their I-am-unconditionally-head-over-heels-in-love-with-my-mommy goggles.

I know this probably sounds foolish. But it's a real issue for me. I worry if today is the day. Will they see me differently? I just want them to look at me like this forever. That look.

I'm trying to see the lesson in this. Maybe it's that I need to see myself through their eyes. That I'm not as bad as I think I am. Does God love me like they do? That's a powerful thought. I mean, I know the answer is "yes" or even "WAAAAAAAY more," but I've never really thought, seriously, about how much God actually loves me, at least from this very real perspective. And, when I do, it bowls me over.

My husband would say that he loves me like they do. But for some reason I have trouble really believing that it's truly unconditional when it comes from adults (nothing against my wonderful, devoted, loving husband, whatsoever, or anyone else. It's just my own inadequacies that cause me to feel that way and I'm working on it). But my babies... I can't deny their love for me even if I wanted to.

So maybe for the first time, through my kids, I am letting myself experience a real glimpse of God's love. He loves me no matter what I do, or don't do, or look like, or accomplish. It's like an innocent love, not marred by the world, with no room for my self-doubt. And while I'm scared to death to lose the adoring love of my babies when they are old enough to see that I'm not perfect, God's love for me is unwavering. He already sees me for what I am - exactly, transparently - and still loves me. He doesn't even wear love goggles.

As someone once told me, His love for me could fill an ocean, although one drop would be enough to fulfill me. I wonder if, comparatively, the love I currently feel from my babies is that one drop. If so, I can't even begin to comprehend the whole amount. How does one even survive that?! I guess it's just one of Heaven's mysteries.

All that is good, but it still doesn't help me to keep my babies' love goggles firmly in place. Unless the lesson is that I'm not supposed to. Of course, I want them to love me and hopefully that will fall into place naturally if I am a good, loving mother. But if I worry about it too much it will become my driving force. And making sure they love me shouldn't be my ultimate goal as a parent. It should be shaping them to know, love and serve God, and getting them into Heaven. I think putting "making sure they love me" higher on my priority list than it should be could definitely get in the way of that.

It sounds difficult and scary to just let that go, worries and all, but my motivation to do so will have to be Clara and Luke and their best interests.

And, to bring it full circle, that probably means that I need to put aside my negative views of myself. There are many, many reasons to do that which involve my children, and this is one of them. But how? I guess through prayer, of course. Lots of prayer. And trusting that God knows better than me. If I'm good enough for him, I shouldn't have higher standards for myself.

Thanks for letting me work this out :)