Feeling better

As if right on cue, I am feeling better. It's hard to believe, but I'll be in my second trimester starting on Saturday, which is also when we'll be sharing the news with the world at large (i.e. facebook).

I didn't expect to feel so hesitant about going public. I'm always wanting to push back the announcement, until after the next appointment, the next blood test. But I don't think I'll ever be fully confident, and Ryan really wants to share the news, so the start of the second trimester is as good a time as any.

Like I said, I'm feeling better, yet still eating like crazy. Maybe pregnancy is an excuse at this point? I'm not sure! All I know is I only want carbs, carbs and more carbs. I keep telling myself everything will change in the second trimester (eating healthier, getting exercise), but it's inching up on me and instead of planning how I'm going to change things, I'm thinking about everything I want to eat before it's here!

I also finally cleaned this week. The mess, and my lack of energy to fix it, was depressing me. Seriously, I cried about it multiple times (although I cry about practically anything these days, happy and sad). So I finally decided I could either sit around and wallow in the filth, or do something about it. So I did, with Ryan's help, and now I feel wonderful. I also made some simple changes that totally brightened my mood - namely, removing our living room rug and putting down one from our guest room instead. One day I felt like I couldn't possibly live another day in our living room (dramatic, I know, but I am extremely hormonal), to the next day feeling like I had a new house.

Speaking of food, I've got to go eat again, but before I do, here are a couple pictures from today of Clara's first time on a swing. And do you recognize the handsome boy swinging behind her in the second shot?

Meeting little Tommy

We got to meet little Tommy yesterday, and boy, is he adorable! What a good, little baby he is too.

It was so great to see G and T. We love spending time with them and just think they are amazing people. Really, they are two of the sweetest, funniest and coolest people you'll ever meet. So it was pretty awesome to be able to see them as parents!




Isn't he such a little cutie pie? I also can't believe how small eight pounds looks to me now. Clara didn't hit Tommy's current weight until March, believe it or not, and we thought she was huge at the time!

Here are the two babes in action:

I couldn't help but get a bit nostalgic watching my little girl with a smaller baby. Here's the actual scene I was imagining as Clara reached for Tommy's hand - her first day home and her first time meeting baby E, who so lovingly rubbed her tiny head:



Watch out, G and T! They grow up so fast!

Taking it easy

Today was a big day. I made it to the grocery store - with Clara!

I know that doesn't sound like much, but for the last several weeks, my days pretty much consisted of lying in bed for several hours with nausea, only getting up to eat (the nausea turned into painful hunger just about every hour) and feed Clara. Nothing was getting done, at least not by me.

Let me just say that Ryan has been Super-Husband. He does the laundry, grocery shops, vacuums, mopped the kitchen floor, does the dishes quite often, bathes Clara, and even woke in the night with her early on in my pregnancy (thank God she is sleeping through now). I should also add that he waits on me hand and foot and has never said 'no' to any take-out request I've had (that's huge).

I appreciate all he has done more than words can say, but at the same time, I feel like a failure that he has to do so much. It just seems like most pregnant women, including many fellow bloggers, work full-time jobs, shop and clean, despite any sickness or fatigue. And yet a big day for me is when I make it to the couch before noon.

I know it's a luxury that I am able to lay in bed with my not-yet-mobile five-month old and I am thankful for every minute of it (it is nice). But sometimes the guilt of seeing my dirty house and over-worked husband begins to take away from the luxury of it.

Although then I remember how the fog suddenly lifted one day last week and I actually had energy (I just knew immediately upon waking up that I would be able to take on the grocery store, and I did). That says to me that when I can't get anything done, I really can't. I wonder if maybe some of it is the old adrenals coming back to haunt me. But then again, everyone's tired in the first trimester, right?

And I also tell myself that while it may seem like most other pregnant women have it all under control, perhaps they just don't advertise that they aren't perfect, and maybe I'm not all that abnormal. Then again, that's probably just me trying to make myself feel better!

So I did make it to the grocery store today because I pushed myself (that, and morning sickness is mostly gone). I'm hopefully turning a corner now that the second trimester is near, and grocery shopping (as well as cleaning and cooking) can be part of my routine again (who am I kidding.. it's not like I actually look forward to that!). After all, it can't be all bad when I have this little face staring back at me from the cart:



Okay one more. This was her after the shopping trip. She loves that she can now grip her link toy, so much so that she fell asleep holding it!



So for now I will take each day as it comes, do what I can, continue to thank God that I'm even in this situation, and be grateful I have a husband who picks up my slack. Thanks, honey! You're the best!

Progesterone result

I am celebrating today because my progesterone is 36.5!!!

Just to put it in perspective, here's the recap:

16 dpo - 9.3
6 wks, 6 days (first blood draw after starting shots) - 24
8 wks, 6 days - 18.9
10 wks, 6 days - 36.5

We are so relieved, thrilled, thankful, excited, etc., etc. I got a little nervous after it dropped a bit last time and so I just couldn't believe it rose to such a high level this time. Praise God!

My injection dose will now be cut in half, but I'm still to do them twice a week. Then I'll retest a week from this Friday to see how it's doing.

I am just so thankful that this baby seems to be doing so well. And we are so blessed to have a NaPro doctor who believes in using PIO (progesterone in oil) injections.

Now there's just a week-and-a-half left until I'm 13 weeks and then I'll be in my second trimester. I can't believe it!

Ahhh... I am breathing a sigh of relief tonight.

A premonition

On March 7, I was on my way to Mass when I got a text from a friend, fellow blogger Lifehopes. I was in New York for my baby shower, which had taken place the day before.

LH: R u pregnant? I had very vivid dream u r!

Me: Haha! No! I started a new cycle right before for my shower. Not many women can say that!

She went on to say the dream seemed real to her, almost like a prophecy. She thought maybe this would be a special cycle. That maybe I would finally conceive.

It still gives me chills to recall that text exchange. After five-and-a-half years of trying to become pregnant with no luck, I conceived, out of the blue, one week later.

When we got a chance to talk in the days that followed the text (but before my positive test), she told me more about her dream. She had envisioned me calling her and telling her the news. She said that if it wasn't this cycle, then maybe it would happen in the future. She felt very strongly about it.

I thought it was pretty cool, but thanks to Clara and my sudden lack of desire to be pregnant, I didn't cling to it like I would have just a few months earlier.

Then, just a few weeks later, when I began to suspect that I might, in fact, be pregnant, I called Lifehopes before I even said anything to my husband. I already kind of knew that the scene from her dream, the one where I called her to tell her the unbelievable news, would likely be playing out soon.

And, sure enough, it did. I called her the morning of Wednesday, March 31, after I had gotten two positive tests. I never asked her if it was exactly like her dream at that moment, but I imagine it was close enough.

I haven't fully wrapped my mind around it all. What does it mean? Why was she given the premonition about, not herself, but a friend? Was God trying to tell her for a reason? Was He trying to tell me?

I believe at least part of it has to do with how much she has prayed for me. I know she has asked God countless times for me to conceive, as I have for her, and I do believe she is intrinsically connected to my struggle on a spiritual level because of this. I can't explain exactly why, but perhaps it has to do with that.

We may never know why it happened, but it doesn't matter. I absolutely love that this is part of the story.

The story

I can't thank you enough for all of your comments on my last post! You are all so sweet. And now to catch you up on the last ten (really, eight) weeks...

As I mentioned yesterday, we were shocked to find out I was pregnant in March. Not just because it had been five-and-a-half years (although that was a BIG part of it!), but because we weren't even thinking about it at the time.

So, around peak +12, the day before Palm Sunday, when I started falling asleep in the middle of the afternoon while feeding Clara, I thought it was just new-mother exhaustion, despite the fact that I hadn't fallen asleep while feeding her to date (miraculous in itself, I know). It wasn't until I had a rather unusual symptom - not one typically associated with pregnancy - that I started to wonder.

On peak +13, I discovered a swollen gland on my neck, by my jaw. I had felt it before, but not since enduring several bouts of mono in the 90's. Why that made me think I was pregnant, I will never know. But it did. I thought perhaps my body was going haywire.

I asked everyone I knew what they thought of it, careful to not mention pregnancy. Ryan suggested I was coming down with something, my mother-in-law thought allergies, and my mother (a nurse, who I thought would mention pregnancy if there was any possible connection whatsoever) had no explanation. I wanted so badly for someone to ask where I was in my cycle, but no one did. And why would they? It was a swollen gland.

I tried to put it out of my mind, and it wasn't hard. There was no chance I was, actually, pregnant. By Tuesday of Holy Week, though, I was noticing that something was mysteriously absent - spotting. Not that I usually spot post-peak these days, but I at least spot on what ends up being cycle day one. And the lack of it meant that peak +15 was about to turn into peak +16.

Wondering how many times I had made it that far, just for research's sake, I checked my past charts. Only one time in the three years I had been charting had I made it to peak +15, and that was a cycle where I had a "false-positive." Never had I made it to 16. I decided to tell Ryan that I'd be testing in the morning.

He was shocked, to say the least. It was probably about the last thing he expected to hear me say that Tuesday night. I had him get my box of tests down from the attic and I picked one (NOT a digital "pregnant/not pregnant" test, of course) for use the next morning.

I woke up at the crack of dawn and decided to get it over with. I told Ryan my only fear was if it was negative, what was wrong with me? Did I have a cyst that was delaying menstruation? What else could it be? I think I knew what it was.

I tried to pee, which is usually an easy task first thing in the morning, and due to my heart beating out of my chest, nothing came out. Finally, I managed two drops - instead of the requisite five-second stream - and yelled to Ryan not to get too excited because this test was going to be a dud. But as soon as the moisture passed over the plus-minus window, a plus sign immediately appeared (apparently when you really are pregnant, you don't need to squint and look at the window in every possible lighting).

A moment I had imagined for years and years was here and I froze. I didn't cry, scream, pray, fall over, nothing. Instead, in a very shaky voice, I mumbled to Ryan, who was still in bed, that it was positive.

I don't remember many details after that, but I did test again using the digital test (again, when you really are pregnant, that little hour glass is only up there for a second). I called Dr. S's office as soon as it opened and had my blood tested later that morning.

That day I excitedly and nervously told my immediate family and close friends the news, always saying "I got a positive test," rather than "I'm pregnant." But when we got the hcg results the following day, I forced myself to start saying the "p" word. I just could not believe it.

My hcg, by the way, was great - 950-something. It was so high that they didn't need it tested the next day. My progesterone results weren't back yet though and, in the meantime, Dr. S wanted me to start prometrium, based on the fact that my progesterone had tested low in blood work the previous cycle.

My head was in the clouds Easter weekend, as was Ryan's. We left for vacation with my family on Good Friday and had a great time. We were still in complete shock and probably said "I can't believe you're/I'm pregnant!" about a thousand times.

It turned out I didn't get my progesterone results until the following Monday due to problems at the lab. And when I did finally get the results, they were low - 9.3. I freaked. Word to the wise - if you ever are told you have low progesterone in early pregnancy, don't google it. Mainstream medicine doesn't necessarily think it's treatable. Thank God for NaPro.

I immediately started injections (thanks, Erin!), and had them overnighted to the hotel where we were staying on vacation. Thankfully my mother was there to do the first round and she was able to teach Ryan. I know a lot of you do shots on a regular basis, but I never had, and they're not easy! Tons of steps, you have to be very careful, it takes forever. I didn't adequately appreciate all you have gone through before!

After finding out about my low progesterone, I was brought back down to reality. My joyous mood turned to anxiety. I wanted to go back to how I was before hearing the results, but I was scared out of my mind to lose the life in my womb.

That nervousness extended through to the following week when I had an ultrasound scheduled at Dr. S's office in PA. I was originally supposed to have my infertility follow-up appointment that day so I just kept the appointment, and I was heading right past there on my way to NY that same day, so it worked out. Another word to the wise - don't drive four hours to an ultrasound with morning sickness and fear. I cried most of the way.

Of course, we got amazing news at the ultrasound - the baby was great, had a perfect heart beat and was measuring two days ahead of what we thought. Relief. Then, things got even better when I found out a few days later that my progesterone had risen to 24. Thank God! I was back to being overjoyed.

Then, two weeks later, I found out my progesterone had dropped a bit, to 18.9. Again, I freaked a little but the nurses assured me it wasn't a big deal. I knew I'd soon have another ultrasound (now with my new, local OB) and hoped that would alleviate my nervousness. And it did. He/she is alive and kicking and swimming! Praise the Lord.

I'll get my progesterone tested again this Friday, and I'd appreciate any prayers you could offer. I don't mind the injections at all and would do whatever it takes for this baby, but it'd just be great to know it's at a normal level.

I've had a lot of morning sickness, although just nausea, no vomiting. Clara and I usually spend the morning in bed and then get up in the afternoon when it tends to go away. I have some heartburn, although not every day, and constant exhaustion. I'm also constantly hungry and have aversions to most foods, while craving only things that are bad for me. I've totally thrown my diet out the window with plans to return to it in the second trimester. I figure emergency rules apply right now. When the painful, gnawing hunger kicks in, all bets are off.

The truth is, I LOVE the symptoms. Love them. I know it's more than possible to have no symptoms and be fine, but having them is a great reminder that I am pregnant. And after all I've gone through the past five years, I couldn't imagine not welcoming every second of it.

That being said, I do my share of complaining because, after all, pain is pain. But this pain is glorious pain, and nothing compared to the pain of heartbreak.

When I am in the throes of it, I often remember to offer it up for all of you who are still waiting. For your healing, for God to grow your families according to his plan.

I have no idea how this happened. I really don't. There could be a number of medical reasons I suppose - I had surgery eight months prior, in August to remove an endometrioma that wasn't even showing up on ultrasound two months earlier; I had been on hydrocortisone for approximately nine months and was feeling great from it; and my thyroid meds had been changed the previous summer as well - but nothing obvious. Heck, in February during my ultrasound series, the doctor had a terrible time finding my left ovary - the same one I ended up conceiving with! God is full of surprises and I think my story shows that no matter how much we worry whether we are doing all the right things, it all comes down to God's plan for us. God is bigger than it all.

Well Clara is starting to cry (more like yell for me) in the other room so I must go. I have so much to post concerning her - how this pregnancy has solidified that she was meant to be part of our family (as if there was ever any doubt), my guilt over trying to care for her while not feeling well, and how I think God may have healed me through her (I have never been happier and I believe that had something to do with this). Not to mention I'll surely be posting about the "myth" of pregnancy after adoption, and our embarrassment of riches.

So now I will go kiss my baby, who brings me more joy and happiness than I knew was possible, and thank God that we will soon have two just one year apart (my due date is two days after her first birthday). Double stroller, here we come!

Some news

First there was this:

Then this:

And, of course, this:

That's right... I'm pregnant!

I'm ten weeks and four days and, I think, still in shock.

First, let me say that it pained me to keep this from all of you in the blog world. If it were up to me I would have posted as soon as I had suspicions (which I'll get to in the next post). But when we travelled to pick up Clara back in January, we told everyone we knew to follow us on this blog, never anticipating we'd ever have news like this that we'd want to keep private. So, we waited until we'd had two ultrasounds to tell you, although we're still keeping it (or trying to) from the world at large. And that means if you do know us in real life, PLEASE keep this to yourself. Just for a couple more weeks. PLEASE. Thanks.

We are overjoyed. We are thankful. We are in disbelief. We are on cloud nine. We are, at times, nervous (or, should I say, 'I' am, at times, nervous). We are, still, stunned. Pregnancy wasn't even on our radar after Clara. I wasn't taking anything other than my maintenance meds when I conceived.

It's safe to say that God has definitely surprised us lately. First, Clara. And then, well, after five-and-a-half years, you tend to stop believing it's humanly possible for you to conceive. But, of course, all things are possible with God. Why did I ever think otherwise?

Much more to come (I'll be back to regular posting.. I guess you can now understand my recent silence!). In the meantime, here's a video we took today of our newest little one swimming. I still can't believe that's our baby on the monitor, or for that matter, I still can't believe that's our other baby crying in the background. God is so good. Although, He always was, even before our miracles.

5 months

Clara turned five-months old on Saturday. It's hard to believe the months have flown by so fast, yet, at the same time, it feels like she's always been in my life. It's amazing how that works!

Every day with her just gets better and better. She's in a phase right now where she's doing something new every day and I can't get enough of her. I absolutely loved her as a teeny, tiny baby, but this new phase - where she interacts with us, laughing, cooing and reaching - is just so much fun.

She had her five-month appointment the other day and - good news! - she is now officially on the growth chart. That's pretty great for a preemie, especially one born at 30 weeks. Actually, the pediatrician commented that she would have guessed she was more like 35-weeks premature, based on her development to date, including her strong body. Speaking of that, Clara seems to be developing right on track for a full-term five-month old. She is behind in a just a couple areas (like size, and she isn't rolling over a ton, but I blame that on me), but is ahead in some too. Praise God! We are so blessed.

I will leave you with some shots our good friend Matthew took of her the other day in our yard. I know I can't take credit for her genes, but I'd like to think I taught her how to "smize"...