Thankful...

...For every single one of your unbelievably helpful, kind, generous, moving and heaven-sent comments and emails. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I think I cried every time I read one in the first few days after writing my last post and they, along with your prayers, lifted me up during a very difficult time. What you shared with me, your advice, your personal stories, your struggles... words cannot describe how much it helped.

...For my Lukie's incredible improvement this past week. I took him to the doctor last week and the pediatrician agreed with me that it was probably a dairy allergy. The doctor wanted me to try a soy formula, but I convinced him to let me continue breastfeeding and try giving up dairy first, and ever since I have he has been a different baby. He's still gassy and may have reflux, but he doesn't feed constantly and he is back to sleeping in 4-6 hour shifts at night. It's wonderful for him and me. My favorite part, besides the sleep, is seeing my baby awake and happy.

...For my family's help this past week. What a difference an extra set of hands makes. From entertaining Clara, to settling Luke down, to letting me nap, it's been a wonderful break.

...For my husband, who's been a rock during these first five weeks of having "twiblings" (my new favorite word). The poor guy is sick right now (as is Clara), so please say a prayer if you get a chance.

...For the miracle that changed my life forever, which all began (from my perspective) one year ago today. For a blogger who thought of me and became forever part of our family's story. For the many bloggers, friends, family and strangers who helped make it happen financially. And for a very special NICU nurse who gave a little three-pound baby girl the love she so desperately needed before I ever could.

...For my dearest Clara. It's hard to believe that one year ago tonight you didn't even have a name and yet now, as we cuddle in bed as I type this, you are the love of my life.

...For my sweet baby Luke, who shocked us all earlier this year. We all love you so much. And sometimes I still can't believe you're here!

...For a year in which our blessings were beyond comprehension. One year ago I had no babies, or any hope of having any any time soon (or so I thought). Now I have two. In the five-and-half years I suffered with infertility I never dreamed big enough to imagine a scenario like this. His ways are always so much better than our own.

...And for God, who makes all things possible.

Overwhelmed

First, thank you all so much for your comments on my last post. They helped me more than you know, and hopefully they helped others who may be going through the same thing as well. You seriously made me feel much less crazy!

While things have gotten much better regarding the baby blues, but things have gotten much worse overall.

I only have a couple minutes to blog as I should be taking this opportunity to sleep, but I will just say that I while I knew things would be tough, I didn't know it'd be this tough.

Luke's feeding constantly. Constantly. As soon as he finishes, I put him down and he screams. Nothing stops him from screaming except for feeding. And then he screams as soon as he's done (with the exception of a couple times a day, like right now). Around week two he was sleeping great at night. I even was setting an alarm to wake him up to eat. But that all changed last week and now he's awake all night.

I'm barely sleeping, eating or drinking. Ryan makes me eat a couple times a day and I feel like I'm letting everyone down every time I have to report how little water I've had.

I know a lack of food, water and sleep doesn't help my milk supply. I decided to see a lactation consultant today for a few reasons (he was also barely at his birth weight at three weeks) and she confirmed that my supply could be better. She also thinks my suspicions may be right that Luke has a milk allergy. Just like I expected, she suggested I give up dairy.

She also wants me to pump after each feeding and give him an ounce (the amount I'm able to pump) in a bottle after he breastfeeds. Ya, I tried that today and let's just say nursing, bottle feeding and pumping (and all the cleaning that's involved) doesn't work when there's a screaming one-year-old you're supposed to be taking care of. I'm going to hold off on pumping until we're at my parents' next week, since I'll have lots of help there.

My heart breaks all day long for both my babies. Luke, because he's so uncomfortable, crying all the time. And Clara because she's really getting short changed right now. She wants me to hold her, to play with her, to read to her, and I can't. You just can't do those things while nursing. And I'm nursing all day long. So she sits in her play pen. She cries, even screams, at times, but overall is remarkably well at amusing herself. She is truly an amazing child. I love her so much. (One day soon I need to write an update about her - she is saying so many words now and is just hysterical. Honestly, her comic relief right now is the only thing keeping me sane.)

I break down all day long. I am overwhelmed, to say the least, and often paralyzed with anxiety.

I almost forgot about the anxiety.

Having a newborn isn't for the faint of heart. We thought five-week-old Clara was basically a newborn, for all intents and purposes, when we got her. She was only five pounds, after all. But oh, how different the two experiences are.

I find that I am constantly scared something is wrong with Luke. I cry about it all the time. I don't know how to shake the worry. I know it must be my hormones, but what good does knowing that do? I still let it get the best of me.

I'm also so scared that Clara is going to hate me. That she's going to look back when she's older and realize we had to cancel her first birthday party because her brother was being born; that she didn't get her picture with santa because her mom couldn't make it out of the house in between feedings.

The anxiety is only made worse by my lack of sleep. I feel like I'm seriously losing my mind at times. I'm like a walking zombie. We both are. God bless Ryan, he is doing everything at this point except nursing Luke. And he'd do that if he could.

I'm praying, but it's more like quick desperate prayers than anything else. I don't have time for anything else, but I do find myself saying Hail Mary's over and over at extremely difficult moments. That's happening a lot lately.

Well, I've taken more time than I should have. I love my babies SO much and I'm in constant awe of God's abundant blessings in our life. I just pray that I get better at this and can be a better mother for the two miracles he has entrusted us with.

Thoughts on my delivery

I think I have written about a dozen posts in my head since Luke was born, yet obviously I haven't actually typed any of them up and published them. There is so much I want to say, from the birth story to how the first two weeks have gone to how Clara is handling everything, yet there has just been no time. Oddly, despite it being our first day without my parents here helping, I seemed to have found a few moments to blog this evening.

I'll get to the birth story another time, but I will say that I had a c-section. Maybe some of you could tell from the picture I posted where Ryan is in scrubs (I'm assuming fathers don't have to wear scrubs for vaginal deliveries, but then again, I guess I wouldn't know).

Those posts I wrote out in my head and never published mostly had to do with a roller coaster of emotions I experienced about the c-section. To my surprise, in the days after coming home, I found myself unable to think about the c-section without tearing up. I was depressed, and cried a lot. I did think about reaching out to the blog world for help, but just never found the time. I'm going try to explain what I'm talking about, but I can't promise it's going to make much sense!

I do want to point out first, though, that any negative thoughts I had have nothing to do with the fact that I had to have the section; I feel confident in the advice of my doctor, I trust her, and I know she moved to a section for the safety of my baby and me (I hope I wouldn't have stayed with a doctor for 39 weeks who I didn't have complete trust in). I was induced for medical reasons (gestational hypertension, which did not reverse with bed rest), I didn't react well to the pitocin (my contractions were much too strong on even the lowest dose and they had to turn it off completely a number of times), and the baby wasn't reacting well to my contractions. His heart rate was too steady (instead of moving up and down which would have showed healthy activity) and even dipped dangerously low once (a very scary couple of minutes, I might add). Plus there was my ever-rising blood pressure and my failure to dilate (despite being fully effaced and my water breaking on its own, two things that served to unnecessarily get my hopes up).

Even though I sobbed when my very sweet doctor sat by my bed side and had "the c-section talk" with me at nearly 12 hours into labor, I wasn't crying because I felt I was being wronged by the medical community. No, I sobbed because, due to my body's reaction to labor, I had to give up the dream of a vaginal delivery and all that comes with it.

[*Disclaimer* -Let me say here that I know - believe me, I know - how blessed I am that I conceived, carried my sweet baby to term and delivered him, happy and healthy, into the world. I hope I don't come across here as ungrateful in any way. But, what I am about to describe are just the honest feelings I had following my section. I am posting about them here as a way to perhaps show someone else they're not alone in their sadness, as well as perhaps receive some helpful comments from readers who have also been through it.]

Immediately following the section things were fine. It went smoothly (I'll share details when I write the birth story) and I was pleasantly surprised with the complete access and opportunities for bonding we were given with Luke after his birth, which included them bringing him to me seconds after he was born so I could kiss him first, and he didn't leave my side for the next hour and a half. (I should also add that bonding was never a concern of mine since I know how easy it was to bond with my daughter whom I didn't meet until she was five weeks old).

I felt great in the hospital too and didn't want to leave. I could really get used to nurses around the clock!

It wasn't until I got home and reality set in that I started to get sad. I think it was a combination of things - the pain pills (which really helped me but possibly contributed to some sadness when coming off of a dose), an incision that was gushing blood, feeling just plain sick and tired from major surgery, rising and falling post partum hormones, and not getting any sleep.

Whatever the reasons, I will say that my sadness centered around the feeling that I didn't "give birth" to Luke. I tried to think of another way to phrase it because I felt phony saying that. And that was a weird mind game I was playing with myself, because if I didn't give birth to him, then, well... what happened?

Somehow, I felt less of a mother because I had had a c-section. And let's keep in mind, this is me, the same woman who knew she was already a mother to Clara, despite not given birth to her at all!

Clearly I wasn't emotionally stable.

I also felt defensive of my section; I was afraid others would judge me, that perhaps I didn't fight hard enough for a vaginal delivery, or that people would feel sorry for me. But then I would try to remind myself that this was a medical issue, there was just no other way around it and there was no other safe option.

In general, I just wished I had dilated enough and had pushed Luke out.

(I feel the need for another disclaimer here - please, please know that I am not suddenly a fertile myrtle who is whining about the manner in which her baby was born. I am just sharing my honest emotions experienced in the days following Luke's birth.)

I was also very weepy in general - I cried every time I thought about how much I loved Luke, how terrible I felt that I couldn't care for Clara, or how blessed I was to have two children. I cried...a lot.

From the little googling that I have done, it appears that the emotions I experienced after my section were normal. I have friends who have suffered from post partum depression and I don't think this is it. Praise the Lord, I am already feeling better so I'm guessing it was normal hormonal shifts following birth combined, in my own estimation, with post-c-section stress. Even today, our first day home alone as a family of four, I am handling things pretty well, if I do say so myself. And if there ever was a day to break down, this would be it!

So, I really hope you all don't think I'm crazy, or ungrateful. I was, honestly, shocked by the way I felt. I didn't know it was possible to be so completely over-the-moon happy and yet be sad about something as seemingly silly as the fact that I had to have surgery to birth Luke.

I think I started to turn a corner when I read something online that someone else going through it had written - that sometimes things happen that are out of our control, things that we wish had happened another way, and we can either dwell on them or pick ourselves up and move forward. I am choosing to move forward. I just had a beautiful baby, after all. That is not lost on me! And I know one year ago I would have killed to have had a baby, whether it would have been vaginally, via c-section or out of my belly button! Now that I am able to put things in perspective and the blues have worn off, I can see that a section is not the end of the world. Actually, it was just the opposite for little Lukie :)

Our week in pictures

Friday, 11.26.10

Luke, just minutes after he was born

Sunday, 11.28.10

Hanging out in the hospital

Monday, 11.29.10

First night home

Tuesday, 11.30.10

Christmas card photos

Friday, 12.3.10

First photo shoot with Mama

Happy first week, Luke Kolbe! We don't know what we ever did without you!

Very special day

One year ago today, you came into the world and soon you'd change our lives forever.

Happy birthday, my sweet Clara!

We love you forever!

Luke Kolbe Nobles

Luke Kolbe Nobles
Born 11/26/2010 at 3:10pm
7lbs. 4 oz. 19.5"

(From the Dad)
Mamma and Baby are resting comfortably right now.

Let me just say for a moment that reaching this point would not have been possible without the support and prayers of the women (and their behind- the- scenes husbands) in this incredible blog network. You were there for Karey in her darkest moments and I will never be able to fully express my personal gratitude.

Praise be to God for this amazing blessing and know that just like we were in your prayers you all continue to be in ours!

He's coming soon

This baby's coming on Friday, possibly Saturday, if not sooner.

We found out at my 38-week appointment yesterday that, despite a week of bed rest, my blood pressure had not dropped (or risen, thank God). I also had some protein in my urine (the sample taken at that appointment) which I'd never had before, and I had gained a few pounds in the last week. My doctor assured me I was okay at the moment but that the best course of action was to get me "unpregnant." Things could escalate over the next several days, and I'd much rather have the baby while just dealing with hypertension than have him next week when pre-eclampsia has become an issue.

So, that all being said, I am being induced on Friday (I'll be 39 weeks). It's for medical reasons and I feel confident in my decision (as much of a "decision" as it was; it was medically advised and I trust my doctor). I actually will go in on Thursday night to start the "ripening" (I hate that word!) and stay the night there. Friday morning the actual induction will begin. My doctor will be working that day, which is great, and she wants to avoid a section of course. But... I am unfavorable for induction at the moment (still just 1 cm dilated, not very much effaced), so we're praying that things change by Friday, which is entirely possible.

With that in mind, she stripped my membranes yesterday. My weekly exams haven't hurt, despite her warning they would, but this did. Not terribly, but it wasn't fun either. She said there was a little blood and to expect more throughout the day (I saw a little).

Upon returning home - and back to good old bed rest - I started having slight cramping. I've had very obvious Braxton Hicks since week 18, but this was very different. BH never caused me any pain, just tightening, and this was more like period pain, which I know early labor contractions can feel like. By evening, I started timing them just out of curiosity. They were irregular, but seemed to be growing in intensity. A couple hours later they were really painful and my lower back ached terribly, to the point of making me cry. At that point they were three minutes apart. Ryan, home from work for dinner, packed his bag, but we decided he should go back to work and wait for our call.

Well, almost as soon as he left, the pain started to improve. It must have been false labor, which was very frustrating since it made the entire painful episode seem worthless. But I'm hoping that perhaps it at least caused me to dilate a little more. That's at least my wishful thinking.

I slept okay, but not very long, waking up early this morning to discover some blood-tinged mucus. Not sure if this was the bloody show (even this late in pregnancy that phrase still makes me cringe) or just some blood from my OB stripping my membranes. I tend to think it was the BS (perhaps, again, wishful thinking) because it was nothing like the slight spotting I'd had immediately following the appointment, and because it was in mucus. It was a good amount of mucus, possible more of the plug, which I believe I've been losing over the last three weeks (which really doesn't mean anything, although I've read the BS does possibly mean a little more).

I'll go in today for a meeting with a labor-and-delivery nurse, and then return Thursday night to be admitted. Oh how I hope I am more than one cm dilated at that time! It would be such a blessing to be favorable for induction, and to progress well once it begins. It'd also be nice if I went into labor naturally sometime in the next two days. I don't care if it's even before I get to eat Thanksgiving dinner! (speaking of which, my doctor assured me I can eat a normal Thanksgiving meal before heading to the hospital. Yay!)

So only two more days of bed rest left to go (as I've been saying lately, it's been hard for me and that's saying a lot because I'm admittedly someone who normally LOVES just laying around!) and just about three days until we'll meet our little boy. It's so hard to believe!

And no Black Friday shopping for me. Darn! Just kidding. I've actually never been in my whole life.

I can't thank you all enough for your prayers. They mean so much to me. I will be praying for all of you on Friday!

St. Gerard, pray for us. St. Maximilian Kolbe, pray for us. St. Gianna, pray for us. St. Therese, pray for us!

Bed rest

Yup, I'm on it.

I had my 37-week appointment this morning and my blood pressure was high again. This time it was right at the cut-off to be considered to have gestational hypertension, so my OB put me on bed rest.

We're waiting for the results of the urine test to see if I have pre-eclampsia and if I do, what will likely happen is that I'll be induced next week at 38 weeks. If it comes back negative, then it's considered gestational hypertension and we'll discuss inducing at 39 weeks.

I momentarily googled both conditions but I'm done with that. I have to remember I am on the low end of the spectrum AND I'm 37 weeks. These conditions are much more serious prior to being full term. At this point we just want the baby to grow a little more, but he'd more than likely be perfectly fine right now.

The doctor told us we really needed to have someone watch Clara for me, which made me realize that bed rest really meant bed rest! We are very blessed because my mother-in-law offered to come for Thursday and Friday, and then my parents arrive on Saturday for three weeks.

I'm pretty calm about everything and I hope I can stay that way. Of course, I don't want to be induced and we're praying I go into labor on my own before then (I'm still only 1 cm dilated, so I'm hoping that changes a little too). My doctor of course hopes I can avoid a c-section but did discuss with me the possibility of one if I don't dilate after being induced. (I asked her how long she'd let me labor and while she said it's pretty hard to put a number on it right now, she ended up saying 12 hours without dilating is a ball-park amount of time before moving to a section. Anyone know if that's pretty typical?)

So, for now, I'm resting. And we're asking for St. Gerard's intercession, as well as the two saints we will soon be choosing between for Baby Boy's name. There are a lot of really strong heavenly helpers in our corner!

Perspective

I'm 37 weeks today. That means baby is full term.

I wasn't always so sure I'd make it this far. I hoped and prayed I would, but the likelihood of my reproductive parts functioning properly just seemed pretty low. Five-and-a-half years of infertility with zero conceptions kind of does that to your optimism. Add to that extremely low progesterone (9.3) at seven weeks and 37 weeks seemed like an impossibility.

(Side note - If you are reading this and have just been told you have low progesterone in early pregnancy, let me be an example to you. Get on progesterone-in-oil shots asap. I don't care if someone tells you the shots won't really help. I took them and, like I just said, I'm full term.)

Early pregnancy seems so long ago. It was Easter. We were vacationing in South Carolina with my family. I thought Clara was so big and now she looks teeny tiny in our pictures. December seemed light years away, and yet tonight at midnight the weeks on my countdown ticker will switch to "2". Yes, it will say "2 weeks, 6 days," but there's something about that two that makes my heart skip a beat.

I'm grateful to be here. Actually that barely scratches the surface of what I'm feeling. I can't put it into words so I won't even try.

I have done my share of complaining as of late, which I try to contain to just my husband and family (lucky them). A year ago I would never have imagined I'd be typing these words, but here goes: it's so easy to get wrapped up in the pain and discomfort of pregnancy. Believe me, I swore I'd not only never complain about being pregnant, if I was so fortunate to become pregnant, but I'd never again complain for the rest of my life. About anything.

For more than five years, whenever I'd hear others' horror stories about labor and delivery, I'd tell Ryan that I'd cut off a limb to go through their pain.

Let's just say I'm going to try to recall those thoughts when it's my turn.

Seriously though, lately I'm really trying to remember those past promises I made to myself. But besides offering it up for all of you still waiting, which I try to do when I remember to, I really want to remember that former self, who would have been so mad at the present me for wallowing in my discomfort.

My current self (and hopefully my former self too) knows that I'm only a weak human being and, after all, pain is pain. But I do feel like I owe it to her, the past me, to try to curb the complaining a bit.

Today I had cause for remembering this when I went to drop my jug o'urine off at my OB's office. My blood pressure was a little high at my appointment on Wednesday so she had me do a 24-hour urine test as well as some blood work to test for pre-eclampsia (I don't expect to have it since I never have protein in my urine at my appointments and I'm not swollen at all).

As I walked up to the office door at 1:30 today, jug discreetly hidden in a big paper bag, someone standing nearby told me they close at one o'clock on Fridays. What? I had no idea. Why would I? That seems like an odd time to close. Four I could see, but one?

I got back in the car and cried. Peeing in a pee-catcher and then pouring it in a jug and then returning said jug to the refrigerator is just plain annoying. Especially when you pee all day long, can only ever leave your crying infant for a second, and when it's 3 a.m.

So I cried as I realized I'd likely have to repeat the same test on Monday.

But then I remembered that a year ago I would have thought it absolutely ludicrous to be anything but completely joyful that I was being tested for pre-eclampsia at 37 weeks pregnant, because it would mean I WAS PREGNANT. I'd be so mad at someone who actually had the audacity to cry because they'd have to pee in a jug for the second time. Oh the horror! How ever would they stand it, big pregnant belly and all, getting ready to meet their sweet little newborn baby in a few weeks?

Former Me really helps Full-term Me to put things in perspective.

Now I'm just hoping she shows up in the delivery room.

Surprise shower!

So this morning I was told we were going to the mall. We just had to make a quick stop at GIMH's house so my husband could pick up something. But, as it turned out, when I knocked on her door, I was actually walking in to my own surprise baby shower!

I am really so incredibly blessed to have such kind and generous friends and family. Our friends were all there (and thanks to Amber from Fertile Thoughts too, for helping GIMH!), my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law and nephew drove up for it. And, yesterday I got a call out of the blue from my sister asking me to pick her up at the Richmond airport! She had flown down for the shower, although at the time I thought she was just surprising me with a weekend visit.

It was so much fun and GIMH did such an amazing job (maybe she needs to do party planning as a side business, now that she's planned three successful parties in the last few weeks!). It was held in her beautiful home and the food was amazing. I had such a wonderful time.

I seriously did not expect to have a shower for Baby #2. I had a shower when Clara was three months old back home and just figured that people had been generous enough then, not to mention the outpouring of gifts after we first brought Clara home. So I was blown away by the generosity of everyone today. Baby #2 will not have to wear pink! Haha!

Here's a look at the festivities:













Thanks so much, GIMH! You are such an amazing and thoughtful friend. And thanks to everyone who celebrated with me today, everyone who traveled here for it, and those who couldn't make it. I never thought I'd have a baby shower, let alone two in one year for both of my babies. It's bizarre to even type those words. I am so, so, so blessed.

Good news

He's head down!

I didn't even expect to find this out today; my OB told me she'd be checking at 36 weeks. Luckily, I had a feeling she might do it at 35, so I made Ryan (and Clara) come with me just in case. She checked my cervix, felt his head (!), and even told me I am one centimeter dilated. I didn't expect that!

I have heard that being dilated a bit this early doesn't necessarily mean anything, but it was still exciting to hear. I know my constant shock at being pregnant might be getting a bit redundant this late in the game but, honestly, those are words I just NEVER expected to hear about myself. "(Blank) centimeters dilated." Maybe in the movies, or about a friend, but not me. I am constantly in awe of this miracle!

So no scheduling of a potential c-section, no decisions to make regarding a possible version, and, as my doctor said, we officially now have NO idea of when he's going to enter the world. And that's fine with me!

Getting close

It seems like I spend some time every morning thinking of a new way to say how close we are. Yesterday there were several: "32 days," "next month," "three weeks until my parents arrive," "two weeks until we're in the two-week window." And, my personal favorite, "less time than has passed since Clara's baptism," because that seems like it was just yesterday!

I'm currently 35-and-a-half weeks. Tomorrow starts my weekly OB appointments, with next week's appointment being a biggy. That's when my doctor will, hopefully, be able to check to see if she feels the baby's head. The baby's head! The reason for this is to see if he's still breech but, to me, the excitement is over finding out there's actually a real human baby in there! With a head...that she can feel. (And hopefully it's not feet she feels, or else we might be scheduling a tentative c-section for 39 weeks.)

I'm starting to feel a little better, but I honestly think it's actually because my body is adjusting and I'm getting used to it. I know what to do when back pain, heartburn and side pain strike. But - and there's a TMI warning on this one - I have developed a new favorite third-trimester symptom... peeing myself. Sorry! It happens when I sneeze or cough. I actually have to laugh every time it happens!

I have heard the baby's movement sometimes lessens at this point, because they are running out of room, but my little guy seems more active than ever. I feel what I think are feet on my right, a butt in the middle up high, and (maybe this is wishful thinking) hopefully a head causing some pressure down low. I love it! I could sit there and watch him move all day.

And, as the end nears, it still never gets old thinking about how long we waited for this and the impossibility of it all. We walked around in a daze those first few weeks after getting a positive test, something we never thought possible (not after more than five years...there were even statistics that supported my pessimism!). While the daze has (somewhat) lifted, it's still totally unbelievable to us. We think constantly about what we were doing last year this time, how depressed I was, how hopeless I thought life was going to be for the remainder of my time on the planet. Soon it will be one year since we received a message from a stranger while in adoration. Then, about a week later, it will be one year since Clara came into the world at only 30 weeks (something we didn't know was happening at the time). A month after that, we'll remember the anniversary of getting "the call" (actually it wasn't so much "the call" as it was "the Facebook message" from a fellow blogger..haha!). And, of course, there will be the first anniversary of laying eyes on our daughter for the very first time.

Soon, those thoughts will turn into "what we were doing two years ago" and infertility will fade further and further into the past. It's inevitable. And, after all, it was always my prayer that it would. I am so blessed in that I don't feel the sting of it anymore. And the pregnancy didn't erase it; it was already gone when we brought home little Clara. I know this isn't the case for everyone, but it was for me and for that I am forever grateful.

Of course, I can call to mind those feelings at the drop of a hat. I'll never forget them and infertility will always be a part of my past (not to mention I will always have all my old blog posts to remind me of how terribly dark and distraught I was). I don't know why it was in God's plan to bless me and my husband in the way that He did, just like I don't know why He allowed us to suffer so deeply for so many years (another form of a blessing, I might add). Or why so many others still do.

I must cut this post off since I can't sit much longer (trust me, it's a pain that reminds me of my abundant blessings and I always offer it up for all of you still waiting). But before I go, here are a couple pictures of my little Clara on Halloween.

And speaking of what we were doing last year, I'm sure Sophie is relieved that I finally have a human baby to dress up instead of her...

Nursery pics

Have I mentioned we got the internet back? After a roughly four-month break, Ryan realized he needed it for a class he'll be teaching soon. So we have officially returned to 2010. Still no cable though. I have surprised even myself by realizing I'm fine without it. And, believe me, I was a t.v. addict (okay, I still watch t.v. all day, but losing the signal every 30 seconds is teaching me wonderful things about patience).

I dreamed for months, while typing with one finger on my phone, of sitting at our desktop, finally able to think coherently while writing a blog post. But as soon as I could attempt that last week, I quickly learned I'm unable to sit at the computer for more than three minutes before back and abdominal pain ensue (I'm actually starting to wonder if I'll ever be able to sit up again. I know things will [should] return back to normal after giving birth, but there's part of me that really wonders!).

So now that I'm back online (at least for the next few minutes), and can post pictures much easier, I thought I'd finally share some photos I took weeks ago of the new nursery...








I could never find a bedding set that I liked, so I decided to find a quilt and then design the room around it. I bought the quilt on Et.sy, and then chose the zoo animal fabric as the room's theme. I have a few more ideas of elements I want to add (some shelves, photos), but I probably won't be doing anything new until after Baby Boy is here. He'll be in a bassinet in our room for at least a couple months anyways. Actually this will be my parents' room well before he moves in!

Oh, and I'm happy to report I have a sense of peace about two name options. And don't get me wrong, I know that choosing a name isn't actually stressful; it's something I've looked forward to my entire life (choosing Clara's name was quite different in that we had about 48 hours to do so). It's a good kind of stressful. And now that I've settled on two possibilities, it's even better.

33 week appointment

First of all, I can't thank you enough for your kind comments and emails on my last post. You made me feel so much better and I'm so grateful for your support.

Now, I'll apologize ahead of time because I'm afraid this may be a stream of consciousness post...

I had my worse back pain episode yet on Saturday. Is it just me, or does back pain make you insane? I think I've said it before, but it's no wonder people with chronic back pain have issues with becoming addicted to pain medication. Maybe I should start offering my discomfort up for them.

So Ryan won a free lunch cruise at work and we decided to use it on Saturday. Wow, big mistake. First, I had to ride two hours in the car to get to it, then two hours were spent on the boat, then a two hour ride back. Sitting, the whole time. Have I mentioned sitting is the worst for my pain? Laying down or even standing is much better.

Well the cruise was sort of cheesy, the food (which is why we really went.. I'll never pass up a free meal!) was pretty bad, and I was writhing in pain the entire time. And the feeling of being trapped.. on a boat.. was not great psychologically for me when all I wanted to do was get home and lie down. I cried as we walked back to the car. Ugh.

The night before the cruise and the night of the cruise were tough as well. It felt like I hardly slept, tossing and turning with back and side pain all night long (and, of course, peeing every hour). Yesterday was great though. I took it easy, was able to take a morning nap, and even when I went out (and sat for an hour at Mass), I was fine. And then I slept great last night, which leads me to believe my days and nights are definitely linked, for better or worse.

Today, at my 33 week OB appointment, I told my doctor about the pain and, of course, she said there's nothing much I can do. But when I mentioned not sleeping at night, and how it makes the pain worse the next day, she decided to prescribe me Ambien (which she said was perfectly safe for me and baby). We'll see if I decide to take it. I think I will if my back pain is especially bad at night.

I also asked about how everyone is surprised at how far along I am, based on the size of my belly. She assured me I am measuring just fine and am very "appropriately pregnant." I like that!

And the surprise of all surprises, I didn't gain any weight the past two weeks! But then I wondered, is that necessarily a good thing? The baby is supposedly gaining, which would mean either he didn't gain or I actually lost? Oh well, I'm not going to worry about it and just be happy I have no additional weight to add to my back's already large load.

I also asked more about the baby being breech and what that would mean in a few weeks (she already told me that she will most likely be able to tell at my 36-week appointment if he's still breech when she does that strep test.. apparently she'll be able to feel the head if he's head down). She said what typically happens is that they'll schedule a c-section for 39 weeks (my aunt, a L&D nurse, had already assured me they do an u/s right before the section in case he has turned) and, if possible, we'll discuss doing a version in the meantime. She didn't want to go into too much detail about the version, though, since it may not come to that and there are a lot of unknowns at the moment regarding it. I got the feeling she felt that discussing it might unnecessarily cause me to worry.

I have had a feeling of where the baby might be positioned as of late and asked her about it. At first she said I probably can't really tell, but the more I described his movement (or lack thereof in certain areas) and what I've been feeling, she thought it was a good sign. I used to feel kicks way down low (which were scary at first, like something was coming out of me!), but those have completely disappeared. For a few days last week I distinctly felt that he was transverse. When I felt any movement, I felt it across the entire top of my belly, from the left to the right, like a wave. Now, if I had to guess, I would say he's diagonal, with his feet on my upper right side. I told the doctor basically all of the movement I feel is in my upper right side, and she thought that was a great sign because you typically feel their feet rather than their head.

I know there's still a lot of time left, but we're just crossing our fingers and praying our hearts out that he turns himself (or has already).

I'll go back in two weeks and then after that my appointments become weekly. It's so crazy to think I'm almost to the point of weekly appointments!

On another topic, I'm starting to think about packing my hospital bag. In just about a month I'll be in the "zone" where it could possibly happen any day. I want to have the car seat purchased by then (well, we could use Clara's in a pinch) and my bag packed. We'll see if that really happens. Anyway, do any of you moms have any advice? At first I thought I wanted to get a cute pair of pajamas (I currently wear non-maternity shorts and tank tops to bed and they're getting uncomfortable!), but then I heard it's not practical and could get ruined (especially if you have a vaginal delivery). But I'm still thinking a robe might be good? Slippers? Please let me know what you brought, what worked, what didn't, etc., etc.

And in an answer to prayer, my mom found out she is getting time off of work to come down at Thanksgiving and stay for quite a while afterward (my dad will come and return home for a time to deal with work). I am so beyond excited. I am already dreaming of her helping with Clara in my last week of pregnancy, and, of course, after. We're so blessed!

Alright, Clara needs to eat so I'll wrap this up. Thanks so much for your prayers. Please know I am praying and offering up pain for all of you still waiting. You are never far from my thoughts.

An update

I'm just going to say right off the bat that I apologize if this sounds like a complainer post. I honestly don't know how to talk about what is going on with me without sounding like I am complaining. Other bloggers do it much more eloquently; they write about their pregnancy aches and pains yet somehow they still come across sounding sweet and, I'm assuming, non-pregnant readers don't want to slap them. I feel that I might not be as successful with that. So I apologize ahead of time. I just find it hard to post at all without being honest about what has become my life as of late, so here it is...

My right side pain, while not constant (thank God), is nearly unbearable. I can't breathe while it's happening. And, while I can barely move or speak during an attack, inside I lose it. I haven't found anything that lessens the pain in the moment, just as I haven't discovered if anything tends to cause it more than anything else. I try to offer it up, but I handle it so poorly that only God knows if it's doing any good.

My back pain is getting worse every day. I spend 90% of the day flat on my back, which doesn't work well with an active 10-month old. I'm able to get up if she needs me, of course, it's just that I can't really go out and do something outside of the home for a couple hours without paying for it later. And car rides are becoming impossible.

The heart burn is still a constant presence (despite constantly popping tums and maxing out my daily allowance of Zantac), and now I can add to that a return of nausea and major eating problems (basically I've reverted back to the first trimester and nearly every food grosses me out). I'm eating terribly, and not drinking anywhere near what I need to be drinking.

The fatigue is still bad. I fight to stay awake every day in the late afternoon-evening, and I have no motivation to do anything. My house is a mess, and I don't even take walks.

I have major guilt over everything I am letting go by the wayside. I want to do more, be a better mom, do all the "right" things, but that desire does not outweigh my mental and physical fatigue (which, I believe, is only made worse by my pain).

And to top it all off, I torture myself by reading blogs about all the wonderful things everyone is doing (with multiple kids, pregnancy, health problems, etc., etc.) and I feel like such a failure.

I have small (very small) goals. I try to do one, maybe two, things a day that make me feel like I accomplished something (and believe me, these are things most of you probably do in your sleep).

Right now our family couldn't exist without my husband working full time and picking up all of my slack, as well as listening to me constantly say how sick I feel (I don't blame him if he's immune to me saying that by now). And while I am so appreciate of his help, it's a double-edged sword because I feel terrible guilt over the fact that he works all day AND does so much around the house. But I am so incredibly blessed that he is more than willing to do whatever he can.

On the bright side, I think it will get better. I have always been lazy, but last year I learned that I can blame it on adrenal fatigue and not just a major personality defect. Yay! I am looking forward to (hopefully) going back on the cortisol after this pregnancy and returning to a normal, contributing member of society.

And while I desperately needed to vent about this at the moment, I should also add that I still love being pregnant and still have thoughts about how much I will miss feeling Baby #2 move after he's born. As much as I absolutely can't wait to meet him and see his little face, thinking of him being asleep in the other room and my belly being empty makes me oddly want him to never leave my womb. Of course, I'm sure the feeling of wanting him out of there will increase exponentially in the coming weeks, but there's just something about that feeling of him totally squirming around that I will definitely miss.

And I will be so incredibly blessed if I can be pregnant again, and will gladly welcome it as soon as God wills for it to happen.

I feel terrible saying anything negative while I am so blessed to be pregnant and would have never believed a year ago that I'd ever be capable of ever having a bad thought again in my life if I was given the miracle of a pregnancy. I was always in shock when I'd hear pregnant women talking as if their lives were just going on as normal, complaining about mundane things. I wanted to be like, "but you're PREGNANT! Don't you get it? You should never be anything but completely and utterly joyful every second for the rest of your life!" So I apologize if my honesty annoys any of you in the same way that I'm sure I have been annoyed in the past.

On a lighter note, guess what else I have been stressing out about lately? Picking a name! I honestly think we might have to leave the hospital with Baby Boy on the birth certificate. Is that even how it works? Do they not let you leave, or is that a myth? I have a feeling that we may find out...

My little pumpkin

I love this one









Clara and her best bud, E






Even I can admit I don't look 32 weeks here :)

Someone missed her nap

The big tour

Well there's nothing quite like touring labor and delivery rooms to make you realize you're going to have a baby soon!

We had our hospital tour today (Saturday) and I have to admit I was a little nervous going into it. I was kind of surprised at my anxiety, because I haven't really feared labor the entire pregnancy. But I think today it was just a fear of the unknown.

The tour went great, the rooms are nice (well, the labor and delivery rooms are nice.. the rooms you move to afterward leave something to be desired) and I was happy with everything the nurse/tour guide told us (just regarding hospital rules, who can be in your room, the fact that you're not hooked up to your bed until you get an epidural, you can wear your own clothes, etc., etc.).

Somehow - and I shouldn't be surprised by this - it took only about ten minutes for our story to be divulged to the entire group. The nurse asked if anyone had any children so I shook my head 'yes'. She proceeded to tell us that children are allowed in when accompanied by an adult and asked how old my child was. And, of course, when I answered, "ten months," others on the tour openly gasped. I just imagined them all doing the math in their heads and thinking I was super fertile (and probably crazy!).

Then, later, when another person on the tour asked a question about what happens after you spend the first hour with your baby, the nurse answered him and then looked right at me and asked if that's what I experienced after my last delivery. That's when I cleared things up by telling the group that this was actually my first pregnancy and our daughter was adopted. The nurse got really excited, congratulating me over and over, and I could still see the wheels turning in everyone's heads (and I'm sure more than one had the very typical thought, "that always happens!").

And let me just say, this was not a rowdy group where everyone got to know each other. Nope, just me! Hardly any else even spoke a word.

Another surprising thing that happened on the tour was I had to hold back tears a number of times! Good tears, though, not scared-to-death tears. I guess it just suddenly seemed so real, that after all this time it was happening to me.

And then, seeing the babies in the nursery, I just couldn't believe our baby is going to be born at that hospital in just a matter of weeks.

To use, once again, my most over-used word in the past seven months, it's just so surreal.

Our stop in the NICU, though, made me tear up thinking about Clara. I know all about the story of what happened to her before we were in the picture, but actually being in a NICU made it really sink in. She was one of those teeny-tiny babies hooked up to tubes.

It also made me realize that we need to send her NICU nurses a card with pictures updating them on her progress. Our tour guide told us they live for those updates. And Clara definitely has a happy one.

Speaking of Clara, she visited the pumpkin patch today with her buddy E, so adorable pictures are coming soon!

Popping out

The other day at moms' group, not one, but two mothers could not tell I was pregnant by looking at me! They were even more surprised to hear I was seven months along.

Since I waited so long to be (and look) pregnant, stuff like that used to bug me, but not anymore. I think it's kind of funny at this point, because at home I act as if my belly is huge! I can't bend over, I can't get up from lying down without a struggle, and if I want a pedicure or shaved legs, Ryan might just have to do it. Oh well. Even if I don't look it, my baby is the size he should be at this point, basketball belly or no basketball belly!

Everyone has told me I should "pop" between weeks 30 and 32, but tomorrow I'll hit 32 and it hasn't happened yet. Well, I think it has, but clearly I'm not at the point where it's obvious to others (but, as a friend said the other day, anyone who knew me before would definitely be able to tell).

It'll happen, but even if it doesn't that's fine (and perhaps less uncomfortable). All I care about is meeting our son. Wow..the thought of that gives me chills. Only 56 days to go!

Speaking of moms' group, Clara loves it. Here she is exploring...

And here she is enjoying one of her favorite pasttimes - playing with her own reflection. Notice how she looks under the mirror for the other baby!