I have a check-up tomorrow (which means no ultrasound, but we do get to hear the heart beat) and, like always, I'm nervous (for no apparent reason) that something could possibly be wrong.
I've been nervous before each appointment and I really don't think it has anything to do with my infertile past. Honestly, I'm really blessed in that I don't have any issues that have carried over into pregnancy; I believe I'm just a normal pregnant woman, except that I have to get injections. But even that doesn't bother me (and I'm convinced that there are 'average' pregnant women who probably have progesterone issues too and never even know). Early on my OB had a little talk with me and assured me that infertility is behind me and I'm just like every other pregnant woman now, and that probably really helped. But I might have been alright even without her advice; it has really amazed me how well each transition has gone for me - infertile to mother through adoption, and then to pregnant woman. It can only be God's grace because I am definitely not known for being emotionally stable! It's really a miracle unto itself.
So anyway, from what I've read and heard, some anxiety before appointments is common. After all, pregnancy is all about trust. Trust that there's actually a human being in there, trust that he/she is alive, trust that he/she is growing. The only real evidence you get (other than eventually feeling those reassuring kicks) is seeing the baby on ultrasounds and hearing his/her heart beat at check ups. And it seems the further I get from the last time I saw/heard my baby, the less confident I am.
It's really amazing the tricks your mind can play on you. Sometimes I question if I'm actually pregnant. I mean, I am eating a lot and maybe my belly is just fat. I have to actually remind myself I have evidence hanging on my fridge that there's really a baby in there (am I crazy? I tend to think it's only natural to have a hard time wrapping your mind around the concept of having an actual baby in your womb).
That's one common thread between infertilty and pregnancy (and, really, with everything in life) - we are forced to rely completely on God. We are asked to place our trust in Him, knowing that no matter what happens, He will carry us through.
So while I trust that everything will be okay, I can't help but be a nervous mama. And I will completely relax when, God willing, we hear that glorious beating of the little heart tomorrow. Seriously, I want to tell the nurse to take my blood pressure after we get confirmation that the baby's doing well.
(And, I should stress, I'm not freaking out or anything. I'm actually happy to report that my level of nervousness has decreased considerably since those first couple appointments.)
The wonderful part is (well, besides the miracle of hearing the baby of course!), is that after every appointment I feel euphoric. I breathe a sigh of relief. I walk around with a permanent smile on my face. I look forward to that tomorrow!
Jesus, I trust in you!
Monday, June 28, 2010
Pre-appointment jitters
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Hope your appointment goes well. I know that little heartbeat will be loud and reassuring! :-)
ReplyDeleteAfter having such difficulties getting pregnant (we also got pg without meds in the end - huh!), I went through the same thing at each appointment. I don't think it really got better until I was around 20 weeks and started feeling her movements. Now I'm 30 weeks along and she is a crazy baby! If I ever need reassurance I just poke my stomach once or twice and am sure to get kicked. :-) Until that time came though, I spent a lot of time in prayer before each appointment.
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to hearing about the great appointment!
I know those feelings all too well! My next appt is wednesday and there is a mixture of anticipation and anxiety!
ReplyDeletePraying for a great appt tomorrow!!
I hope your appointment goes well. Let us know how well it went!
ReplyDeleteTotally understand! And I felt like I didn't believe I was actually going to have a baby until Madeleine was actually in my arms ;)
ReplyDeleteHave fun! I'm not going again till July 15 - and I get to have my BIG u/s and find out if he's REALLY a boy ;)
Beth, I'm still so jealous! You'll get your gender confirmation before I get to know anything at all. From what I've counted, I will probably get my 20 week u/s (my next and last u/s) around 7/20. It seems so far away and I'm so excited to find out!
ReplyDeleteAs my husband would say, you have a bad case of being normal! I had the exact same feelings with this pregnancy. People would ask about the baby and I would answer their questions, but all the time thinking, "how am I going to break it to them that I'm not really pregnant?"!!! It's sheer craziness but unfortunately common. I am so much better now that I feel the baby kick daily. It's a big reassurance. You're almost there! Or already there? Praying for you :)
ReplyDeleteSecond Chances - HAHAHA!! I LOVE that you wonder how you're going to break it to people that you're not pregnant! I can so totally relate! So I'm just a normal amount of crazy then. I'll take that!
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm not entirely there yet (feeling movement).. although pretty soon I'm going to have to admit to myself that the constant pops I feel aren't gas.
ReplyDeleteI hope all goes well for you and baby tomorrow! I'm anxiously awaiting my first appointment on Thursday...I've taken a pregnancy test everyday since last Wednesday when I received my first positive. I just can't believe it. And can't imagine a time when I will believe it!! Like you said, I just have to put all my trust in Jesus.
ReplyDeleteGood luck at the appointment! In no time you will be feeling the baby and won't need to look at your fridge for proof of life :)
ReplyDeleteGood luck, been thinking about you! Praying all is well and your mind can once again be put at ease~
ReplyDeleteI am very much in the same boat you are. Before my doctor prescribed an arsenal of drugs to help maintain my pregnancy, I had 2 babies die in the womb in my 2nd trimester. I know EXACTLY what it feels like to be a nervous wreck! I even wonder "What if my body has now acclimated to the meds, and I no longer have a living baby in there?" I am such a nut! Praying right along with you for a good appointment and a strong heartbeat!
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Heather
I haven't been through infertility, but I had back to back miscarriages (5 weeks and 16 weeks) so I've pretty much been a paranoid wreck this pregnancy. Trust is hard for me.
ReplyDeleteOh I hope and pray that by now you have that smile on your face!!!
ReplyDeleteCan't wait for the update!!!
This makes so much sense. It's interesting to hear how those questions marks and concerns stay with you. Did you feel that way with your adoption of C, too? After all we've been through, I don't think I'll relax until the final papers are signed.
ReplyDeleteAmen- Jesus, I trust you with our family.
Lauren - I never really had those feelings about the adoption, probably because it wasn't an option if I wanted to keep my sanity :) If the finalization had taken four months or six months, then maybe, because the end would have been in sight and I could have freaked a little til we reached it. But in our case, finalization takes about 14 months, so I just had to push those worries aside. 14 months would have been way too long to constantly worry. It was nice to know when we were past the point of birthparents changing their minds (which in our case wasn't an issue), but now it's really just on us to show we're fit parents in our post-placement visits.
ReplyDeleteSorry for the long answer but it was a great question!
In some ways I feel like I could have written this post, the parts about doubting there really is a baby in there, getting nervous before appointments, etc. I was the same way! Even now, when my bump is big, and her kicks can stop me in my tracks, I still have moments of temporary denial. I sure hope it's normal, like you said, to feel this way.
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