I can't thank you all enough for the very sweet comments you left after my last post. I am humbled, because I hardly practice what I preach, although you have all inspired me to definitely give it a try. And recognizing the problem is the first step, you know? I think debunking those myths is really about letting ourselves off the hook. It is truly all up to God.
Well, in other news, I have an exciting announcement (not that announcement!): New York City is getting a NaPro center! It's actually that and much, much more. The JPII Center for Women will open an authentically Catholic, comprehensive women's healthcare center in Manhattan in July 2009, featuring NaProTechnology. I am so excited about this because one of the two women driving this entire project is my very own Creighton practitioner. I am so proud of her! She has enlisted the services of a wonderful doctor (who I recently had the opportunity to speak with and look forward to meeting in person soon) and the two have teamed up to make this dream a reality. You can check out their blog here.
It is hard to believe that this will be the first NaPro center in Manhattan. With millions of people and so many Catholics in that city, it is about time there is an option that respects the dignity of life. And, as we all know, NaPro is a great option even for those who aren't aware of the Church's teachings and who may not value life in the same way. In the end, NaPro has a greater success rate than assisted reproductive technologies (and, not to mention, it treats the actual disease, rather than just applying a band-aid) and people in that city should have it as an option. As the doctor behind this project told me, it will only be a matter of time before NaPro sweeps the nation and people start seeing what a successful alternative it truly is. It's so exciting!
I'll be doing my part when it comes to video production for the center, along with my husband, so I'm sure I'll post more about it once we start working on things. It's funny because I have always said I wanted to help promote NaPro in some way, but I had always secretly hoped it would not involve teaching the intricacies of fertile mucus. Who knew God was listening to me even then?!
If you could all keep this center in your prayers, those involved would truly appreciate it. Perhaps you could pray especially to St. Gianna, since the center will be named for her (the JPII Center for Women is the name it is incorporated under, but Gianna will be the name of the actual center. Actually, John Paul II is probably another great person to pray to for this as well! What wonderful helpers the center will have in Heaven!).
So go ahead and check out the blog and help spread the word. And, of course, if you are independently wealthy and would like to donate large sums of money, I'm sure they won't turn you away!
Showing posts with label PPVI. Show all posts
Showing posts with label PPVI. Show all posts
Friday, September 19, 2008
If it can make it there, it'll make it anywhere...
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Something to look forward to
So I finally spoke with my Creighton teacher. Long story short, she suggested I get a local doctor. Nothing against PPVI, but I really need a doctor I can see face to face. I need to get things moving and right now I am hitting some roadblocks with PPVI. One of the reasons they are so great is that they have very high standards - all blood work has to go through their lab and ultrasounds have to be done at their office. Well, that can be very difficult if you live outside of eastern Nebraska or western Iowa. I know this is for a good reason and I have personally suffered the consequences of a local OB/GYN who didn't know much of anything about infertility, when to draw blood, or how to read ultrasounds. I will never be that uninformed patient again. But if I just stay working solely with PPVI, I won't have an ultrasound until the end of the summer and I won't have blood drawn until who knows when.
With that being said, my Creighton educator suggested I call a well-respected pro-life OB/GYN practice a couple hours from where I live. So I did, and got an appointment for Monday. I'm excited at the prospect of hearing what someone else thinks about my situation. When we first started meeting with our Creighton educator I was reinvigorated, just to be doing something proactive. That's how I feel now. We'll see what happens, if we like the doctor, if he has any new insight for me. But at least I have something to look forward to, for the time being.
As for this past cycle, my Creighton teacher isn't quite sure when my peak day occured. She has some guesses, but my chart is really confusing this time around. She also mentioned that the yellow mucus I saw for a few days could possibly be due to something going on with my cervix. And she was also concerned that I've had five days of brown spotting again this cycle.
If the ultrasound series had worked out as planned then I probably wouldn't have ever called this doctors' office today, so perhaps God's plan is already playing out. Hopefully this is where God is leading me, and I hope this action is not one of impatience. I really want to follow the path I am supposed to, and while I need to be patient and surrender to God, I don't think that means I shouldn't make an appointment with a new doctor. Rather, surrendering means I need to work on my acceptance of the cross I've been given, no matter what is currently happening medically in my life.
I will keep praying about it and continue to place it in God's hands. If the appointment doesn't go well, then I will know it is not part of my path. I am so grateful to God that He is keeping me under His protection and I want nothing more than to follow His holy plan for me.
With that being said, my Creighton educator suggested I call a well-respected pro-life OB/GYN practice a couple hours from where I live. So I did, and got an appointment for Monday. I'm excited at the prospect of hearing what someone else thinks about my situation. When we first started meeting with our Creighton educator I was reinvigorated, just to be doing something proactive. That's how I feel now. We'll see what happens, if we like the doctor, if he has any new insight for me. But at least I have something to look forward to, for the time being.
As for this past cycle, my Creighton teacher isn't quite sure when my peak day occured. She has some guesses, but my chart is really confusing this time around. She also mentioned that the yellow mucus I saw for a few days could possibly be due to something going on with my cervix. And she was also concerned that I've had five days of brown spotting again this cycle.
If the ultrasound series had worked out as planned then I probably wouldn't have ever called this doctors' office today, so perhaps God's plan is already playing out. Hopefully this is where God is leading me, and I hope this action is not one of impatience. I really want to follow the path I am supposed to, and while I need to be patient and surrender to God, I don't think that means I shouldn't make an appointment with a new doctor. Rather, surrendering means I need to work on my acceptance of the cross I've been given, no matter what is currently happening medically in my life.
I will keep praying about it and continue to place it in God's hands. If the appointment doesn't go well, then I will know it is not part of my path. I am so grateful to God that He is keeping me under His protection and I want nothing more than to follow His holy plan for me.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Sorting things out
I have a problem with my mind being very unorganized. It's like if I don't stop and think things through, then all my negative thoughts are just floating around in my head, making me go nuts.
For example, I've been very stressed about infertility lately, specifically that things are moving slowly, that we seem to be back to square one after getting rid of the endometriosis, that I'm not ovulating, and that I'll never have children. So I decided that enough was enough, and I needed to organize my thoughts and deal with this. So this is what I came up with...
1) I decided to forget about endometriosis. It's gone (hopefully for good) and it obviously wasn't our only hurdle. I need to remove it from my mind and move on.
2) I'm not ovulating. If I find out this theory is incorrect, then wonderful. But right now all evidence suggests that I don't ovulate and maybe haven't in quite some time.
3) There are treatments to help me ovulate. There are worse problems to have, and from everything I've read, there are several reasons I may not be ovulating and there are also several treatments to attempt to get me to ovulate. My high prolactin levels could be causing me to not ovulate and if that is the sole problem, then I could begin ovulating in the next couple months (when the medication starts to work).
This may all seem very obvious, but because of the way my mind works, I really needed to sort it out. I work better when there are just one or two problems to focus on. Lately it has seemed like the cause of my infertility is just so up in the air and that made me feel very out of control, causing me to become stressed.
So here's another list.. This is what I am going to be doing to be pro-active about my infertility in the next couple months:
1) I am taking medication for my high prolactin.
2) I am learning how to chart excess mucus so I can get a peak+7 blood draw this month.
3) I WILL get a peak+7 blood draw this month.
4) I will get an ultrasound series in May.
Those are all good things that will give us very helpful information. I feel better already! And if I want to be hopeful, then I can think about the fact that there's a chance that my high prolactin level may be my only problem, and once my medication lowers my prolactin, that I could get pregnant. You never know! Yes, there may be more going on there, but high prolactin definitely causes women not to ovulate (at least according to the trusty internet).
PPVI called me back on Friday (as I'm showering of course, and I took the call since it probably would have been Monday before they called me back again) and said the spotting was likely due to low progesterone. The nurse said it is possible to have such a problem during one cycle and not the next (which I wanted to know since I've never had that happen before). She also said that before I can get a hormone series done, that I need to do the peak+7 draw. Oh.. and my pregnancy test was negative. Shocker.
I've also been in a lot of pain since this cycle began, which has never really happened before (endometriosis pain use to be the day before my period, not once it began). I was in so much pain at the grocery store the other day that I had to stop and rest. I'm going on the assumption that it is due to my surgery and perhaps things are still healing, but it's really getting on my nerves.
It's a good day today because it's opening day for the New York Mets! Woo hoo! It's also a good day because I worked on my documentary, which I had been putting off a little bit. And, for whatever reason (probably hormones), I feel a little more hopeful today. Well, maybe not hopeful but just relaxed about infertility. I've also been warming up to the idea of adoption a little. We'll see.
For example, I've been very stressed about infertility lately, specifically that things are moving slowly, that we seem to be back to square one after getting rid of the endometriosis, that I'm not ovulating, and that I'll never have children. So I decided that enough was enough, and I needed to organize my thoughts and deal with this. So this is what I came up with...
1) I decided to forget about endometriosis. It's gone (hopefully for good) and it obviously wasn't our only hurdle. I need to remove it from my mind and move on.
2) I'm not ovulating. If I find out this theory is incorrect, then wonderful. But right now all evidence suggests that I don't ovulate and maybe haven't in quite some time.
3) There are treatments to help me ovulate. There are worse problems to have, and from everything I've read, there are several reasons I may not be ovulating and there are also several treatments to attempt to get me to ovulate. My high prolactin levels could be causing me to not ovulate and if that is the sole problem, then I could begin ovulating in the next couple months (when the medication starts to work).
This may all seem very obvious, but because of the way my mind works, I really needed to sort it out. I work better when there are just one or two problems to focus on. Lately it has seemed like the cause of my infertility is just so up in the air and that made me feel very out of control, causing me to become stressed.
So here's another list.. This is what I am going to be doing to be pro-active about my infertility in the next couple months:
1) I am taking medication for my high prolactin.
2) I am learning how to chart excess mucus so I can get a peak+7 blood draw this month.
3) I WILL get a peak+7 blood draw this month.
4) I will get an ultrasound series in May.
Those are all good things that will give us very helpful information. I feel better already! And if I want to be hopeful, then I can think about the fact that there's a chance that my high prolactin level may be my only problem, and once my medication lowers my prolactin, that I could get pregnant. You never know! Yes, there may be more going on there, but high prolactin definitely causes women not to ovulate (at least according to the trusty internet).
PPVI called me back on Friday (as I'm showering of course, and I took the call since it probably would have been Monday before they called me back again) and said the spotting was likely due to low progesterone. The nurse said it is possible to have such a problem during one cycle and not the next (which I wanted to know since I've never had that happen before). She also said that before I can get a hormone series done, that I need to do the peak+7 draw. Oh.. and my pregnancy test was negative. Shocker.
I've also been in a lot of pain since this cycle began, which has never really happened before (endometriosis pain use to be the day before my period, not once it began). I was in so much pain at the grocery store the other day that I had to stop and rest. I'm going on the assumption that it is due to my surgery and perhaps things are still healing, but it's really getting on my nerves.
It's a good day today because it's opening day for the New York Mets! Woo hoo! It's also a good day because I worked on my documentary, which I had been putting off a little bit. And, for whatever reason (probably hormones), I feel a little more hopeful today. Well, maybe not hopeful but just relaxed about infertility. I've also been warming up to the idea of adoption a little. We'll see.
Monday, March 24, 2008
News from PPVI
Well the nurse from PPVI called back this evening and said Dr. Hilgers does want me to get a pregnancy blood test, so I will have that done in the morning. Not that it matters, but I won't know the results until Wednesday because they are closed tomorrow for the Feast of the Annunciation. I had more spotting this afternoon so I'm 99.9% sure I'm not pregnant. Actually I'm 200% sure I'm not pregnant now that I think about it (I even had an ice cream sundae today to "celebrate" my non-pregnancy). I'm physically incapable of becoming pregnant. I don't even release eggs.
Speaking of eggs, the good news is that Dr. Hilgers would like me to have an ultrasound series done (I guess it pays to ask!). The bad news is I don't think I can do it this month because we're supposed to go on vacation with my family right around the time I will likely be having an "ovulatory event." And since I have to drive six hours to New Jersey to have the series done, it's a big ordeal. That's fine though, I'll just do it in May. The only thing that will be disappointing about it is it will be a wasted month because my husband won't be able to go with me since he will be working. I guess it has to be done though. Luckily I have relatives that live about 30 minutes from the doctor, so hopefully I can stay with them. I just hope that we can time it right and that I can get there right before the follicle is set to release (not that it will release, but you know what I mean), otherwise who knows how long I'll have to be there. I really don't want to go by myself and leave my husband, but I just have to remember that it's for the greater good.
The other good news is they found the sheet with my temps on it! Yay!
Okay, I have to go watch Britney on HIMYM.
Speaking of eggs, the good news is that Dr. Hilgers would like me to have an ultrasound series done (I guess it pays to ask!). The bad news is I don't think I can do it this month because we're supposed to go on vacation with my family right around the time I will likely be having an "ovulatory event." And since I have to drive six hours to New Jersey to have the series done, it's a big ordeal. That's fine though, I'll just do it in May. The only thing that will be disappointing about it is it will be a wasted month because my husband won't be able to go with me since he will be working. I guess it has to be done though. Luckily I have relatives that live about 30 minutes from the doctor, so hopefully I can stay with them. I just hope that we can time it right and that I can get there right before the follicle is set to release (not that it will release, but you know what I mean), otherwise who knows how long I'll have to be there. I really don't want to go by myself and leave my husband, but I just have to remember that it's for the greater good.
The other good news is they found the sheet with my temps on it! Yay!
Okay, I have to go watch Britney on HIMYM.
CD 31
I decided not to take the pregnancy test because I had some brown spotting this morning, which is much more like what happens before I get my period. About the same time as I discovered that, PPVI called back. The nurse said Dr. Hilgers will likely have me get a pregnancy blood test. But if that is ruled out, then it likely means I had an anovulatory cycle - too much mucus and spotting due to low progesterone. That's great but I have no idea if I have low progesterone because I haven't had it tested since last April and it was normal then. I want to get blood work so bad! And so much for spotting meaning that at least something new was happening. It probably just means that I'm not ovulating, just like I never ovulate. Oh - and they never got my temperature charting that we mailed to them a couple weeks ago with a million temperatures on it taken on a million days, and of course we didn't make a copy. So that will need to be done over.
So now I have to call my Creighton teacher and she has to teach me how to distinguish peak-type mucus days from the extra peak type mucus days (the ones you'd chart in yellow). The best news is that the nurse said this could take a couple cycles to learn, so I can't have any blood drawn until then. I just knew it. I knew after my surgery that something would happen to prevent me from moving forward and finding out what's wrong. I knew I wouldn't get blood work like I was supposed to. And look what happens. Just simple blood work?! The first month I can't find a lab in all of Virginia to take it, and now I have too much mucus? What will it be next time?!
It's just hard because I just want to know what is wrong, and it seems like I'm stuck in slow motion. Okay, I have to calm down! This is happening in God's time, and right now God thinks it should be moving this slowly. I came across a quote from C.S. Lewis (I saw it on Danielle Bean) that sums up exactly what is at the heart of my problem:
We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be. -- C.S. Lewis
Now I'll just wait for PPVI to call back.
So now I have to call my Creighton teacher and she has to teach me how to distinguish peak-type mucus days from the extra peak type mucus days (the ones you'd chart in yellow). The best news is that the nurse said this could take a couple cycles to learn, so I can't have any blood drawn until then. I just knew it. I knew after my surgery that something would happen to prevent me from moving forward and finding out what's wrong. I knew I wouldn't get blood work like I was supposed to. And look what happens. Just simple blood work?! The first month I can't find a lab in all of Virginia to take it, and now I have too much mucus? What will it be next time?!
It's just hard because I just want to know what is wrong, and it seems like I'm stuck in slow motion. Okay, I have to calm down! This is happening in God's time, and right now God thinks it should be moving this slowly. I came across a quote from C.S. Lewis (I saw it on Danielle Bean) that sums up exactly what is at the heart of my problem:
We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be. -- C.S. Lewis
Now I'll just wait for PPVI to call back.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
That time again
Well it's that time of the month again. I had some spotting tonight, on only the third day post peak. So I'll call PPVI tomorrow for my monthly review. My first question will be does this mean I can't get a blood draw this month? I wonder what they do about that. Do I have it drawn on day four of this cycle? In one respect that will be seven days post peak. I don't know. I hope I didn't miss another chance for bloodwork. If that's the case then it's apparent that God really wants me to learn patience.
Because I thought I had at least a week to a-week-and-a-half until CD1, I hadn't started to compile all of my questions yet for PPVI. So I need to do that tonight. I'll definitely ask about my short luteal phase (which I assume they'll address anyways), if I can still have blood drawn, when I'll get a whole hormone work-up like I did a year ago (so I can see if my prolactin and testosterone levels are still high), if I can get an ultrasound series done again (like I had last July in New Jersey), whether I have too much mucus and what can be done about that, and what all of this means in the big picture. I usually chicken out when it comes to asking questions, because I don't want to seem annoying. But this is over the phone so maybe it will be easier.
I also had a fair amount of pain this week leading up to my period. At least a few times it was pretty bad, but for just a second or two. I know lots of people have pain, so maybe this is normal. But I thought my pain was supposed to stop now. Maybe I'm still healing.
I have never had long luteal phases, but they usually hovered around 10-13 days. Since my surgery, though, two of the three cycles have had only three post-peak days. I just hope by this happening it can point PPVI in the right direction, like these symptoms are revealing themselves so we can get to the bottom of this. I just want to know what's wrong.
Because I thought I had at least a week to a-week-and-a-half until CD1, I hadn't started to compile all of my questions yet for PPVI. So I need to do that tonight. I'll definitely ask about my short luteal phase (which I assume they'll address anyways), if I can still have blood drawn, when I'll get a whole hormone work-up like I did a year ago (so I can see if my prolactin and testosterone levels are still high), if I can get an ultrasound series done again (like I had last July in New Jersey), whether I have too much mucus and what can be done about that, and what all of this means in the big picture. I usually chicken out when it comes to asking questions, because I don't want to seem annoying. But this is over the phone so maybe it will be easier.
I also had a fair amount of pain this week leading up to my period. At least a few times it was pretty bad, but for just a second or two. I know lots of people have pain, so maybe this is normal. But I thought my pain was supposed to stop now. Maybe I'm still healing.
I have never had long luteal phases, but they usually hovered around 10-13 days. Since my surgery, though, two of the three cycles have had only three post-peak days. I just hope by this happening it can point PPVI in the right direction, like these symptoms are revealing themselves so we can get to the bottom of this. I just want to know what's wrong.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Some good news finally
After my super bad luck with labs a week and a half ago, I finally contacted two labs today that were appearing to be my last hopes. I had actually put off calling them for a week because I was afraid they'd say no! But they didn't! Well, one of them (the one actually located in Richmond) was more like a maybe. They said I need to get the kit from PPVI and bring it in for them to see if they can use it, or something like that. The other lab is in northern VA, about two hours from me, and they simply said yes! I hope it's not too good to be true. I heard about this lab from someone who read my post and was nice enough to have her sister-in-law, who had to have blood drawn and shipped to PPVI, email me about where she had hers done. So what I'll probably do is take the kit to the Richmond lab as soon as I get it, and if they say no, then I'll just go to the second lab when the day comes. Thanks to everyone who said a prayer for this!
I also momentarily lost my chart last night, but I found it today. See, I basically chart on a scrap piece of paper and keep it in a ratty folder that was given to me by my Creighton teacher a year and a half ago. I never have actual charts because she lives eight hours away and we only talk once every other month. She just sent me one a month ago, but I was actually two charts behind so I'm back to my scraps of paper. Not the best system. But I found it so all is good.
I also have to admit that I haven't picked up my new prescription from PPVI yet. Why?! I guess if I have to look deep within myself I would say I'm nervous about taking it, since I've heard it has serious side effects (I know nearly every medication does though). But maybe deep, deep down I'm avoiding it for the same reason I didn't call the labs until today - because I'm nervous it might not work. Maybe I'd rather have another failed cycle where I can say, 'well at least I haven't started any medication yet!' I know that's silly. It's not like this is the only medication I'll ever take either. Maybe I haven't picked it up yet simply because I'm too lazy to drive there.
I also momentarily lost my chart last night, but I found it today. See, I basically chart on a scrap piece of paper and keep it in a ratty folder that was given to me by my Creighton teacher a year and a half ago. I never have actual charts because she lives eight hours away and we only talk once every other month. She just sent me one a month ago, but I was actually two charts behind so I'm back to my scraps of paper. Not the best system. But I found it so all is good.
I also have to admit that I haven't picked up my new prescription from PPVI yet. Why?! I guess if I have to look deep within myself I would say I'm nervous about taking it, since I've heard it has serious side effects (I know nearly every medication does though). But maybe deep, deep down I'm avoiding it for the same reason I didn't call the labs until today - because I'm nervous it might not work. Maybe I'd rather have another failed cycle where I can say, 'well at least I haven't started any medication yet!' I know that's silly. It's not like this is the only medication I'll ever take either. Maybe I haven't picked it up yet simply because I'm too lazy to drive there.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Cycle review
The medical evaluation phase of my infertilty treatment has officially begun. Yesterday I had my first cycle review with PPVI, which was complicated because of my lack of progesterone and estradiol levels (due to no bloodwork). The nurse who I talked to on the phone was super nice and felt really bad about my problem with labs around here, so that made me feel a little better, although she offered no additional help on that front. She also reiterated what I already figured was good news - that I had a normal mucus phase this past cycle. After having Dr. Keefe review the information, she called me back and had some instructions for me. She said I need to start taking prenatal vitamins (which I've been told a million times but never take) and they are going to put me on something called parlodel for my high prolactin. I'm happy to start taking something (I feel like I'm the only one not on anything at all!) but I'm nervous because it has severe side effects like heart attack and stroke. I know lots of things do, but my aunt (a maternity nurse) told me they stopped giving the drug to new mothers (who don't want to breast feed) because of the risks. I know I shouldn't be nervous, but I'm good at it.
I feel very positive about starting this new phase. There is still so much left to try (not to mention if my problems were corrected with surgery then it's as if we've only been trying to conceive for one cycle now. That'd be like getting pregnant on the honeymoon!). But I really believe my hormones are part of my infertility puzzle and now I'm one step closer to righting what's wrong.
So we have almost finished painting our entire house. We are doing every room with the exception of one bedroom and the laundry room. It's definitely helping to keep my mind off of things. I can't wait to move in!
I feel very positive about starting this new phase. There is still so much left to try (not to mention if my problems were corrected with surgery then it's as if we've only been trying to conceive for one cycle now. That'd be like getting pregnant on the honeymoon!). But I really believe my hormones are part of my infertility puzzle and now I'm one step closer to righting what's wrong.
So we have almost finished painting our entire house. We are doing every room with the exception of one bedroom and the laundry room. It's definitely helping to keep my mind off of things. I can't wait to move in!
Friday, February 22, 2008
Letting go actually works
Well I decided to just let go of trying to have blood drawn this month (not that I had control over it, but I decided to not stress about it). I could have tried again today, since PPVI said sometimes you can have it drawn on Peak+8 if you have to, but we closed on our house this morning and my sister's flight was canceled so I wasn't about to waste another day calling labs along the eastern seaboard. But I have gotten some helpful ideas from a couple people and we'll see what happens with those. I'm going to turn my energy towards setting something up for next month, and on Monday I'm going to call a hospital in Northern VA who has sent blood to PPVI before. I feel better since I let go of this and gave it up to God (hey, that's what is supposed to happen, go figure!). Maybe I should try this more often! All I know is I can't say I'm working on patience for Lent and not follow through with it when things get tough. Did I expect not to have my patience really tested these forty days?!
As for my cycle, today is CD 25. Technically it is now CD 26 (the clock just turned to midnight but I think this post will register as Friday). And, as I said earlier, today is Peak+8. The bad news is this afternoon I briefly experienced some sensations that lead me to believe my period is on the way. The feeling only lasted a minute but it has never disappointed before (or, I should say, it always disappoints). So we will see. My temp was still up this morning, but since I am taking it for another reason (thyroid study) I don't really know enough about BBT to use that as evidence. But I guess I shouldn't over-analyze things. The most I can hope for is that I ovulated this month and that maybe, just maybe, my cycle will appear somewhat "normal" this time around. My body is healing, my ovaries are healing and this will happen in God's time.
I got an email today from someone who reminded me of a song that speaks volumes about what I need to do right now (thank you!). Here's a portion of it.
For some reason, this line always hits me the hardest: "I raise my hands and praise the God who gives And takes away." It may not seem like God has taken away anything from me, but I truly feel like He has. My dreams have been taken away. My fertility has been taken away. I know it might not be permanent, but right now it is real. But it's the praising of God through this that strikes me. I'm definitely not good at it and the thought that people do that is amazing to me. But if I get bad news in the next week, I'm going to give it my best shot.
As for my cycle, today is CD 25. Technically it is now CD 26 (the clock just turned to midnight but I think this post will register as Friday). And, as I said earlier, today is Peak+8. The bad news is this afternoon I briefly experienced some sensations that lead me to believe my period is on the way. The feeling only lasted a minute but it has never disappointed before (or, I should say, it always disappoints). So we will see. My temp was still up this morning, but since I am taking it for another reason (thyroid study) I don't really know enough about BBT to use that as evidence. But I guess I shouldn't over-analyze things. The most I can hope for is that I ovulated this month and that maybe, just maybe, my cycle will appear somewhat "normal" this time around. My body is healing, my ovaries are healing and this will happen in God's time.
I got an email today from someone who reminded me of a song that speaks volumes about what I need to do right now (thank you!). Here's a portion of it.
"Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
For some reason, this line always hits me the hardest: "I raise my hands and praise the God who gives And takes away." It may not seem like God has taken away anything from me, but I truly feel like He has. My dreams have been taken away. My fertility has been taken away. I know it might not be permanent, but right now it is real. But it's the praising of God through this that strikes me. I'm definitely not good at it and the thought that people do that is amazing to me. But if I get bad news in the next week, I'm going to give it my best shot.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Problems *update*
Well I spoke too soon. I cannot have my blood drawn today because no one will draw it and ship it. And on top of that, no one will draw it and turn it over to me to ship myself. I guess I took it for granted where I use to live because I just walked in the closest lab and handed them the order from PPVI and they shipped it. No questions asked. Apparently the Richmond, VA area does not ship blood or give your own blood to you.
So is this the end of my road? Without blood I can't do anything else. I guess my next step is looking for a lab in northern VA, NC, MD or maybe I'll just drive 8 hours to the lab in NY I had it drawn at last year! This is ridiculous. So no bloodwork this cycle. Another month to wait, another 30+ day postponement. I'm actually handling it well and my husband and sister both pointed that out. I'm just now beginning to get teary about it. And to top it all off I felt like the people at PPVI were getting annoyed at me calling all day. Maybe it was in my head. But, as my husband pointed out, shouldn't they be helping with this? I feel like it's so hard to navigate your healthcare these days. Being someone's patient doesn't even mean much. You still have to be ultra-proactive or nothing will get done!
Oh - here's the best part: I went into a lab this morning unknowingly, and told them what I needed. They said they don't do that. But the fascinating part is that I went there in November and they claimed they did do it, and I had it done and figured they shipped it. But then I got thinking, I never got a print-out from PPVI about my results and at my post-op appointment Dr. Hilgers never referred to that bloodwork. So I called PPVI and asked if they had a record of bloodwork from Nov. Big surprise, they did not! So this lab took my blood, later realized it needed to be shipped which they don't do, and instead of calling me they just forgot about it. But still charged me of course! How great is that? They just, what, threw my blood away?!
Okay, I'm going to forget about it. Nothing I can do now. Patience. Patience.
*Update - So finally a woman at a lab was nice enough to look into it for me instead of just telling me no. She called me back and said she found out it's against the law for a lab to draw blood for a dr. not liscensed in the state of VA. Against the law?! I called PPVI and they'd never heard of that and claimed they've had patients in VA have blood sent before. So now my next step is to find a physician who will take me as a patient and basically have them copy Dr. Hilger's order and get my blood drawn. But I'll actually be back to square one then because I still need to find a lab who will ship it or let me take it and ship it myself. Not to mention the doctors who are affiliated with PPVI are all about two hours away. And who knows if they are even accepting new patients.
To top it all off, the nice woman who told me it's against the law also told me there might be one place in Richmond that could do it for me (how, if it's against the law??) and it's called Richmond IVF or something. Does IVF stand for something else that has to do with blood?? Because that just takes the cake if I would have to go to an IVF clinic to have my blood drawn and shipped to PPVI. I'm not even going to call them.
This is a horrible day. It's my poor sister's last day here and she spent it watching me make calls all day. Then we decided to go shopping which I hoped would get my mind off of things, and I tried a million things on (which I hate) and when I went up to the register I whipped out a $100 gift card only to find out it was the wrong one, and had $9 on it! So I had to put everything back and it was just one of those times when I almost broke down. Not because of the clothes or the gift card, but because should I have expected anything less? This is how this day has been. Oh well, I guess it could be much worse.
So is this the end of my road? Without blood I can't do anything else. I guess my next step is looking for a lab in northern VA, NC, MD or maybe I'll just drive 8 hours to the lab in NY I had it drawn at last year! This is ridiculous. So no bloodwork this cycle. Another month to wait, another 30+ day postponement. I'm actually handling it well and my husband and sister both pointed that out. I'm just now beginning to get teary about it. And to top it all off I felt like the people at PPVI were getting annoyed at me calling all day. Maybe it was in my head. But, as my husband pointed out, shouldn't they be helping with this? I feel like it's so hard to navigate your healthcare these days. Being someone's patient doesn't even mean much. You still have to be ultra-proactive or nothing will get done!
Oh - here's the best part: I went into a lab this morning unknowingly, and told them what I needed. They said they don't do that. But the fascinating part is that I went there in November and they claimed they did do it, and I had it done and figured they shipped it. But then I got thinking, I never got a print-out from PPVI about my results and at my post-op appointment Dr. Hilgers never referred to that bloodwork. So I called PPVI and asked if they had a record of bloodwork from Nov. Big surprise, they did not! So this lab took my blood, later realized it needed to be shipped which they don't do, and instead of calling me they just forgot about it. But still charged me of course! How great is that? They just, what, threw my blood away?!
Okay, I'm going to forget about it. Nothing I can do now. Patience. Patience.
*Update - So finally a woman at a lab was nice enough to look into it for me instead of just telling me no. She called me back and said she found out it's against the law for a lab to draw blood for a dr. not liscensed in the state of VA. Against the law?! I called PPVI and they'd never heard of that and claimed they've had patients in VA have blood sent before. So now my next step is to find a physician who will take me as a patient and basically have them copy Dr. Hilger's order and get my blood drawn. But I'll actually be back to square one then because I still need to find a lab who will ship it or let me take it and ship it myself. Not to mention the doctors who are affiliated with PPVI are all about two hours away. And who knows if they are even accepting new patients.
To top it all off, the nice woman who told me it's against the law also told me there might be one place in Richmond that could do it for me (how, if it's against the law??) and it's called Richmond IVF or something. Does IVF stand for something else that has to do with blood?? Because that just takes the cake if I would have to go to an IVF clinic to have my blood drawn and shipped to PPVI. I'm not even going to call them.
This is a horrible day. It's my poor sister's last day here and she spent it watching me make calls all day. Then we decided to go shopping which I hoped would get my mind off of things, and I tried a million things on (which I hate) and when I went up to the register I whipped out a $100 gift card only to find out it was the wrong one, and had $9 on it! So I had to put everything back and it was just one of those times when I almost broke down. Not because of the clothes or the gift card, but because should I have expected anything less? This is how this day has been. Oh well, I guess it could be much worse.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Great article!
This morning I got a pleasant surprise when my husband pointed out to me a headline on the cover of the most recent issue of Faith & Family that arrived today. It read, "God Made Me Infertile." Yay! A story about infertility in a publication that isn't all about infertility! And it was an article I knew would be pro-life and would not contradict Church teaching. My next surprise came when I flipped to the article and discovered it was all about Lottie and Tate from catholicinfertility.org! But it wasn't over yet. I read the article, which talked all about the couple's struggle with infertility, their adoption journey that has brought them three beautiful children, and their discovery of the Pope Paul VI Institute. A lot of the story I was familiar with from their website, until the end, that is. It said they were able to conceive and Lottie is pregnant with a baby boy! I am so excited for them!
It's a great article (and a great magazine, by the way) and I suggest you read it if you have access to the magazine (it's not online as far as I know).
After a mini-breakdown last night (not anger, just a little sad-for-no-reason type of episode), I'm doing well today. I talked with the Pope Paul VI Institute for my six week check-up today and the great news is they have ordered bloodwork for Peak +7, which is tomorrow! I don't even need to be patient this time! They also told me I have to call on the first day of my next cycle to do a cycle review. I'm so excited! Things are moving forward and each day I'm closer to finding out if anything else is wrong with me, if my hormones are okay, if I need medication, if they'll try me on Clomid, etc., etc.
It's a great article (and a great magazine, by the way) and I suggest you read it if you have access to the magazine (it's not online as far as I know).
After a mini-breakdown last night (not anger, just a little sad-for-no-reason type of episode), I'm doing well today. I talked with the Pope Paul VI Institute for my six week check-up today and the great news is they have ordered bloodwork for Peak +7, which is tomorrow! I don't even need to be patient this time! They also told me I have to call on the first day of my next cycle to do a cycle review. I'm so excited! Things are moving forward and each day I'm closer to finding out if anything else is wrong with me, if my hormones are okay, if I need medication, if they'll try me on Clomid, etc., etc.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
More on hope, post surgery
Yesterday I received an amazing email. It was not unsolicited, but I had forgotten that I was waiting for a reply, and the reply was unbelievable.
Let me explain. I was talking to a woman in December who runs the Perpetual Adoration chapel where I used to live, and I told her about my upcoming surgery. She immediately insisted I email a religious community (which happens to be located in Omaha, NE, which is why I think she thought of it for me in the first place, since that was where my surgery would be) called Intercessors of the Lamb. I'm not sure exactly what they are, but I know they are a group of contemplative hermits whose mission (I think) is intercession. My friend has some connection to them, and said to use her name in the email. So I logged onto their website and clicked on prayer request. I sent them a short version of my story and asked for their prayers. I told my friend I had sent it and she said they'd get back to me after they'd discerned for me. I wasn't sure what that meant in this context, but when I asked my mother she said she was pretty sure they'd pray about my situation and then tell me what came to them in prayer, any advice they may have, what I should focus on. So it's safe to say I was excited to hear their response.
I didn't receive a response before my surgery and then I kind of forgot about it in the flurry of post-surgery recovery. But yesterday I received the response and it was very enlightening. Here is a sample of what they said came to them while in prayer for me:
· An image of Jesus dressed as a surgeon and Our Lady dressed as a nurse and the room was filled with light
· An image of you recovering from surgery, angels were surrounding you and Our Lady came and handed Baby Jesus to you and there was joy
· Jeremiah 29:11 – spoke of hope
Here is the verse they mentioned:
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I was so excited! That verse has comforted me before, and now it has taken on new meaning.. like God wants me to specifically pray about it. I know our own personal prayer can be just as good as that of the Intercessors, but somehow hearing it from them really helps it to hit home. Overall, the theme was (big surprise) trusting the Lord and following Him. I think we all know that is the answer to being delivered from our infertility grief.. but getting to that point sometimes seems impossible. I think we often just hope we'll get pregnant before we really have to give in to His will, but realistically I know that perhaps true happiness (with or without children) won't come until I follow Him. And if that's the lesson He wants me to learn, maybe giving in will only help pregnancy (or joy without pregnancy - I can't assume pregnancy is His will!) happen sooner.
I also just want to say that the image the Intercessors spoke of in the operating room and during recovery is really what I feel happened during surgery and after. When I went to Mass on Saturday evening before I left for Omaha, I was alone because my husband was at work. Upon returning from communion, I really prayed hard for God to help me with my anxiety about surgery, with the surgery itself, with recovery and with my overall infertility. I asked Him specifically to carry me. I've always heard that spoken about - Christ carrying you when you can't go any further on your own - but hadn't really experienced it myself. So I prayed, hard, that Christ would carry me. Before I knew it I was crying, which I didn't realize until my tears hit the pew in front of my which I was leaning over! Anyways, my prayer was answered. There is no other way to describe my experience before, during and after surgery. It's like my pain was muted; I felt some bad pain but it was easy to deal with. I was very happy, perhaps in the best mood I've been in for a while (I'm sure the pain medication had something to do with that!) and the whole experience just seemed easy, not to mention the wonderful success of the surgery itself. Christ definitely carried me, I'm sure of it, and the email from the Intercessors just reiterated this.
(I also just have to add one thing - I would really like to think of the image of the Blessed Mother handing baby Jesus to me as symbolizing a pregnancy, but what if it has deeper meaning? I'm going to pray about it, but right now I really like that a baby was included in their discernment!)
On another subject, let me just say that after four months of having virtually no chances of conceiving, I'm nervous to re-enter the world of monthly hopes and (possible) let-downs. My constant question (and that of many others, I'm sure) is whether to have hope or not have hope. Will not having hope make it hurt less? I've decided to, for now, have hope. Why? Simply because that's what I believe God wants for us. It may be hard, and it may hurt more initially, but ultimately I can't honestly say that God would want me to be hopeless. There's no way. So I can either be with God or on a path separate from God. So I may not always be full of hope, but I'm going to try. Plus, when I was recovering in Omaha and was pretty confident I'd be able to get pregnant (those darn pain meds again), I began to contemplate what I (once pregnant) would think about when I looked back on my infertility. Right now, it's safe to say I'd be ashamed of myself. I have resisted spiritual growth, I've fought carrying the cross, and I've been angry with God more often than not. If I do become pregnant, I want to be able to look back on my infertility as a time of great spiritual growth, a time when I was close to God and gave into His will. And I know deep down that's what God wants for me too.
Let me explain. I was talking to a woman in December who runs the Perpetual Adoration chapel where I used to live, and I told her about my upcoming surgery. She immediately insisted I email a religious community (which happens to be located in Omaha, NE, which is why I think she thought of it for me in the first place, since that was where my surgery would be) called Intercessors of the Lamb. I'm not sure exactly what they are, but I know they are a group of contemplative hermits whose mission (I think) is intercession. My friend has some connection to them, and said to use her name in the email. So I logged onto their website and clicked on prayer request. I sent them a short version of my story and asked for their prayers. I told my friend I had sent it and she said they'd get back to me after they'd discerned for me. I wasn't sure what that meant in this context, but when I asked my mother she said she was pretty sure they'd pray about my situation and then tell me what came to them in prayer, any advice they may have, what I should focus on. So it's safe to say I was excited to hear their response.
I didn't receive a response before my surgery and then I kind of forgot about it in the flurry of post-surgery recovery. But yesterday I received the response and it was very enlightening. Here is a sample of what they said came to them while in prayer for me:
· An image of Jesus dressed as a surgeon and Our Lady dressed as a nurse and the room was filled with light
· An image of you recovering from surgery, angels were surrounding you and Our Lady came and handed Baby Jesus to you and there was joy
· Jeremiah 29:11 – spoke of hope
Here is the verse they mentioned:
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I was so excited! That verse has comforted me before, and now it has taken on new meaning.. like God wants me to specifically pray about it. I know our own personal prayer can be just as good as that of the Intercessors, but somehow hearing it from them really helps it to hit home. Overall, the theme was (big surprise) trusting the Lord and following Him. I think we all know that is the answer to being delivered from our infertility grief.. but getting to that point sometimes seems impossible. I think we often just hope we'll get pregnant before we really have to give in to His will, but realistically I know that perhaps true happiness (with or without children) won't come until I follow Him. And if that's the lesson He wants me to learn, maybe giving in will only help pregnancy (or joy without pregnancy - I can't assume pregnancy is His will!) happen sooner.
I also just want to say that the image the Intercessors spoke of in the operating room and during recovery is really what I feel happened during surgery and after. When I went to Mass on Saturday evening before I left for Omaha, I was alone because my husband was at work. Upon returning from communion, I really prayed hard for God to help me with my anxiety about surgery, with the surgery itself, with recovery and with my overall infertility. I asked Him specifically to carry me. I've always heard that spoken about - Christ carrying you when you can't go any further on your own - but hadn't really experienced it myself. So I prayed, hard, that Christ would carry me. Before I knew it I was crying, which I didn't realize until my tears hit the pew in front of my which I was leaning over! Anyways, my prayer was answered. There is no other way to describe my experience before, during and after surgery. It's like my pain was muted; I felt some bad pain but it was easy to deal with. I was very happy, perhaps in the best mood I've been in for a while (I'm sure the pain medication had something to do with that!) and the whole experience just seemed easy, not to mention the wonderful success of the surgery itself. Christ definitely carried me, I'm sure of it, and the email from the Intercessors just reiterated this.
(I also just have to add one thing - I would really like to think of the image of the Blessed Mother handing baby Jesus to me as symbolizing a pregnancy, but what if it has deeper meaning? I'm going to pray about it, but right now I really like that a baby was included in their discernment!)
On another subject, let me just say that after four months of having virtually no chances of conceiving, I'm nervous to re-enter the world of monthly hopes and (possible) let-downs. My constant question (and that of many others, I'm sure) is whether to have hope or not have hope. Will not having hope make it hurt less? I've decided to, for now, have hope. Why? Simply because that's what I believe God wants for us. It may be hard, and it may hurt more initially, but ultimately I can't honestly say that God would want me to be hopeless. There's no way. So I can either be with God or on a path separate from God. So I may not always be full of hope, but I'm going to try. Plus, when I was recovering in Omaha and was pretty confident I'd be able to get pregnant (those darn pain meds again), I began to contemplate what I (once pregnant) would think about when I looked back on my infertility. Right now, it's safe to say I'd be ashamed of myself. I have resisted spiritual growth, I've fought carrying the cross, and I've been angry with God more often than not. If I do become pregnant, I want to be able to look back on my infertility as a time of great spiritual growth, a time when I was close to God and gave into His will. And I know deep down that's what God wants for me too.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Leaving tomorrow, bright and early
Well I am now spiritually prepared for my big surgery. Tonight I went to confession and had an Anointing of the Sick.
I love confession, and just a few short years ago I would have thought you were crazy if you told me I would one day write those words. But since I went through a conversion a few years ago, I've learned what a wonderful opportunity it is to cleanse yourself and truly feel God's grace and forgiveness. So while in with the priest tonight I asked him if he could give me a special blessing ahead of my surgery on Tuesday. He said to find him after the 5:30 p.m. Mass and he would do an anointing, since there was another woman he was already planning to anoint. So I did, and it was beautiful. I've had it done before, once when there was a "community" anointing at my old church. I kind of did it that time for infertility in general. That was the first time I had heard that you could receive the sacrament for a number of reasons. You don't have to be dying, you don't even have to be sick in the traditional sense. You could have a "sickness" of the spirit, the mind, or the body. That day we were also told you could receive it on behalf of someone else. Anway, it's a beautiful Sacrament.
So I'll now finish my novena to St. Gianna, keep praying, and try to focus on God's promise to protect me. And I should also focus on the many, many people praying for me. From friends and family, to friends of friends and family, I truly have an army of people praying.
We head out tomorrow morning, at or around 6 a.m. hopefully, for our two-day drive. This is the worst part - the waiting for the trip to begin. That's when my anxiety really takes ahold of me. I need to trust God! I need to trust God! Okay, so that's my mantra for the next couple days. If I'm freaking out in the next couple of days I might post again, since it helps me relax. But if not, I'll do so when I'm feeling better.
I love confession, and just a few short years ago I would have thought you were crazy if you told me I would one day write those words. But since I went through a conversion a few years ago, I've learned what a wonderful opportunity it is to cleanse yourself and truly feel God's grace and forgiveness. So while in with the priest tonight I asked him if he could give me a special blessing ahead of my surgery on Tuesday. He said to find him after the 5:30 p.m. Mass and he would do an anointing, since there was another woman he was already planning to anoint. So I did, and it was beautiful. I've had it done before, once when there was a "community" anointing at my old church. I kind of did it that time for infertility in general. That was the first time I had heard that you could receive the sacrament for a number of reasons. You don't have to be dying, you don't even have to be sick in the traditional sense. You could have a "sickness" of the spirit, the mind, or the body. That day we were also told you could receive it on behalf of someone else. Anway, it's a beautiful Sacrament.
So I'll now finish my novena to St. Gianna, keep praying, and try to focus on God's promise to protect me. And I should also focus on the many, many people praying for me. From friends and family, to friends of friends and family, I truly have an army of people praying.
We head out tomorrow morning, at or around 6 a.m. hopefully, for our two-day drive. This is the worst part - the waiting for the trip to begin. That's when my anxiety really takes ahold of me. I need to trust God! I need to trust God! Okay, so that's my mantra for the next couple days. If I'm freaking out in the next couple of days I might post again, since it helps me relax. But if not, I'll do so when I'm feeling better.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
My 'anxiety list' and a fleeting God moment
At various times throughout the day, I am a wreck. At other times, I am fine. I think part of my problem is I am so focused on myself, which is not a good thing for many reasons. I remember early on in my infertility I read something about suffering that suggested getting involved in some sort of volunteer work to help you focus on something bigger than yourself. Well, I think that's my problem right now. I need to focus on the big picture - that there are many people much worse off than me in life. People are dying, suffering, cold, abandoned, sick, you name it. I am just having a routine surgery - not to save my life, but to improve it. My aunt told me the hospital she works at does 10-20 laparotomies a day, and it's in a small city, so that helped put it in perspective for me too.
Speaking of my aunt, she is meeting us in Omaha and will stay with me the entire time I'm out there. That will allow my husband to go home for a few days of work, then fly back out on the following Monday in time for my post-op appointment. How nice is that of her? I need to remember her complete and utter generosity and try to do the same the next time an opportunity presents itself in my life. I don't know that I would even think of going above and beyond to that degree for someone. She's a really good person. My husband, meanwhile, feels really bad that he didn't take off the whole week. It was a difficult decision at the time because he had just started a new job and had already negotiated a week off a little over a month into his time there for an already-planned vacation. I have break-downs once in a while about him not being there, and I have probably made him feel really bad about it. I'm okay now though, because, as I told him, no offense to him but my aunt (a nurse) will take wonderful care of me.
So now, to be totally indulgent, I am going to list the things I am worried about to get them all out. I know myself, and if I keep things inside they tend to grow and take on a life of their own. Usually if I voice them (or type them in this case) they start to diminish. So here goes:
1) I'm afraid I'll die during surgery due to some sort of complication (I have had anesthesia twice now and have never had a problem, not even nausea, so I know there's nothing to fear. Plus Creighton is a great hospital)
2) I'll get a blood clot after the surgery and die of that (I think I read about this happening to someone somewhere, so I took it on as my own)
3) I'll be sick and lonely in the hospital at night (if that does happen, I'll get through it. This too shall pass)
4) I'll have to pee a million times while I wait for surgery and will have to keep dragging my IV to the bathroom (probably the most realistic of my fears, but it probably shouldn't be a fear, so to speak)
5) I'll be in terrible, excruciating pain and no medication will help (my sister-in-law described her post-C-section experience recently and so I began to fear a similar situation)
6) I'll wake up from surgery and be told that it was much worse than they thought and a)it couldn't be fixed, b)they had to do a hysterectomy, c)they found something else like cancer or any other horrible thing that could be found, d)I have to have another surgery, or, e)they'll tell me it spread to my lungs and/or brain. (Okay - Dr. Hilgers preserves fertility at all costs, he won't do a hysterectomy, and as for finding something else bad, I have had tons of blood work done, not to mention a laparoscopy, and have always been fine.. also, I got the lung and brain thing from a neighbor who told me it spread to her aunt's spine and can go to those places as while. Dr. Hilgers never mentioned this for me and I have no reason to fear it.)
7) The thing he's going to remove on my liver comes back as being cancer (as I've said in the past, if Dr. Hilgers even thought there was a 1% chance it was cancer he wouldn't have waited over four months to remove it, not to mention he never said anything about cancer and I'm quite sure cancer doesn't look like it does.)
8) I have to leave my dog Sophie at my in-laws and I will miss her terribly. (This I have to do, so it's not that I'm afraid it might happen, but you get the point. I cry at least twice a day about this. Misplaced emotion, maybe? I know she'll be okay - as long as she doesn't sneak out an open door - but it's her first time staying there so I worry. She's my baby!)
So that's it. Actually, as I was writing it I was amazed at how short the list is. When they're all swirling around in my head it seems like the list is endless. So this little exercise helped already! The other obvious thing that came to me while writing the list is this: If I had an ounce of faith I wouldn't be afraid of any of those things! I know fear is normal, but I really need to trust God more. Why can't I trust that he'll protect me? If the absolute worst possible outcome happens - death - then I'll be with Him! If I truly believed in Him and believed His promises, I wouldn't have so much anxiety. It all comes down to that.
Speaking of that, the other day I had a very brief glimpse into what I can only describe as wisdom. I was daydreaming and the thought popped into my mind that Christ will protect us always, from everything. That's nothing new, I hear it all the time and try to remind myself of it often. But it's usually just one of those thoughts that goes in one ear and out the other (which I now realize happens with 99.9% of things with me). Well, suddenly this concept made complete sense to me. Just complete sense. It was as if the words sunk deep into my soul and I heard it for the first time, and felt it. By the time it took me to think the thought, though, it was gone and I was thinking back about the amazing feeling and insight I had just had. It didn't linger, it seriously lasted maybe 15 seconds. But it was like God gave me a glimpse. And once you get a glimpse you want more! What if I felt that way all the time - like words made sense and I actually 'got' God's promises? That would be amazing. Not to be too over-the-top here, but maybe that's what heaven is like.
Anyway, I brushed it off shortly thereafter, because nothing really happened, but felt compelled to tell my husband last night while out for my birthday dinner. He immediately commented that things like that never happen to him and they seem to happen to me a lot. He said it was absolutely God's grace and I need to remember it. I'm glad I have him to remind me of that because I probably would otherwise forget experiences like this immediately (negative things are on constant rotation in my brain but the good moments get almost no air play).
So I am going to take this experience with me to Omaha. I believe it was God's way of allowing me to glimpse the way I should be feeling - the warmth of His protecting arms around me, no matter what happens. Seriously, what bad can happen to you when you have God? I picture him up there thinking, "She just can't get it on her own! Alright, let's give her a glimpse so she knows what she's missing." He must be really frustrated with me, but he obviously loves me because, for a few seconds, I really felt it.
Speaking of my aunt, she is meeting us in Omaha and will stay with me the entire time I'm out there. That will allow my husband to go home for a few days of work, then fly back out on the following Monday in time for my post-op appointment. How nice is that of her? I need to remember her complete and utter generosity and try to do the same the next time an opportunity presents itself in my life. I don't know that I would even think of going above and beyond to that degree for someone. She's a really good person. My husband, meanwhile, feels really bad that he didn't take off the whole week. It was a difficult decision at the time because he had just started a new job and had already negotiated a week off a little over a month into his time there for an already-planned vacation. I have break-downs once in a while about him not being there, and I have probably made him feel really bad about it. I'm okay now though, because, as I told him, no offense to him but my aunt (a nurse) will take wonderful care of me.
So now, to be totally indulgent, I am going to list the things I am worried about to get them all out. I know myself, and if I keep things inside they tend to grow and take on a life of their own. Usually if I voice them (or type them in this case) they start to diminish. So here goes:
1) I'm afraid I'll die during surgery due to some sort of complication (I have had anesthesia twice now and have never had a problem, not even nausea, so I know there's nothing to fear. Plus Creighton is a great hospital)
2) I'll get a blood clot after the surgery and die of that (I think I read about this happening to someone somewhere, so I took it on as my own)
3) I'll be sick and lonely in the hospital at night (if that does happen, I'll get through it. This too shall pass)
4) I'll have to pee a million times while I wait for surgery and will have to keep dragging my IV to the bathroom (probably the most realistic of my fears, but it probably shouldn't be a fear, so to speak)
5) I'll be in terrible, excruciating pain and no medication will help (my sister-in-law described her post-C-section experience recently and so I began to fear a similar situation)
6) I'll wake up from surgery and be told that it was much worse than they thought and a)it couldn't be fixed, b)they had to do a hysterectomy, c)they found something else like cancer or any other horrible thing that could be found, d)I have to have another surgery, or, e)they'll tell me it spread to my lungs and/or brain. (Okay - Dr. Hilgers preserves fertility at all costs, he won't do a hysterectomy, and as for finding something else bad, I have had tons of blood work done, not to mention a laparoscopy, and have always been fine.. also, I got the lung and brain thing from a neighbor who told me it spread to her aunt's spine and can go to those places as while. Dr. Hilgers never mentioned this for me and I have no reason to fear it.)
7) The thing he's going to remove on my liver comes back as being cancer (as I've said in the past, if Dr. Hilgers even thought there was a 1% chance it was cancer he wouldn't have waited over four months to remove it, not to mention he never said anything about cancer and I'm quite sure cancer doesn't look like it does.)
8) I have to leave my dog Sophie at my in-laws and I will miss her terribly. (This I have to do, so it's not that I'm afraid it might happen, but you get the point. I cry at least twice a day about this. Misplaced emotion, maybe? I know she'll be okay - as long as she doesn't sneak out an open door - but it's her first time staying there so I worry. She's my baby!)
So that's it. Actually, as I was writing it I was amazed at how short the list is. When they're all swirling around in my head it seems like the list is endless. So this little exercise helped already! The other obvious thing that came to me while writing the list is this: If I had an ounce of faith I wouldn't be afraid of any of those things! I know fear is normal, but I really need to trust God more. Why can't I trust that he'll protect me? If the absolute worst possible outcome happens - death - then I'll be with Him! If I truly believed in Him and believed His promises, I wouldn't have so much anxiety. It all comes down to that.
Speaking of that, the other day I had a very brief glimpse into what I can only describe as wisdom. I was daydreaming and the thought popped into my mind that Christ will protect us always, from everything. That's nothing new, I hear it all the time and try to remind myself of it often. But it's usually just one of those thoughts that goes in one ear and out the other (which I now realize happens with 99.9% of things with me). Well, suddenly this concept made complete sense to me. Just complete sense. It was as if the words sunk deep into my soul and I heard it for the first time, and felt it. By the time it took me to think the thought, though, it was gone and I was thinking back about the amazing feeling and insight I had just had. It didn't linger, it seriously lasted maybe 15 seconds. But it was like God gave me a glimpse. And once you get a glimpse you want more! What if I felt that way all the time - like words made sense and I actually 'got' God's promises? That would be amazing. Not to be too over-the-top here, but maybe that's what heaven is like.
Anyway, I brushed it off shortly thereafter, because nothing really happened, but felt compelled to tell my husband last night while out for my birthday dinner. He immediately commented that things like that never happen to him and they seem to happen to me a lot. He said it was absolutely God's grace and I need to remember it. I'm glad I have him to remind me of that because I probably would otherwise forget experiences like this immediately (negative things are on constant rotation in my brain but the good moments get almost no air play).
So I am going to take this experience with me to Omaha. I believe it was God's way of allowing me to glimpse the way I should be feeling - the warmth of His protecting arms around me, no matter what happens. Seriously, what bad can happen to you when you have God? I picture him up there thinking, "She just can't get it on her own! Alright, let's give her a glimpse so she knows what she's missing." He must be really frustrated with me, but he obviously loves me because, for a few seconds, I really felt it.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
The beautiful path of infertility (and other things I never thought I'd say)
In my world of new-found hope I am actually thinking positive thoughts. Amazing! So while lying in bed last night I suddenly had a realization (I'm having trouble putting this in words, probably because it's late and my "o" key just broke off of my lap top, so I apologize ahead of time if this is hard to follow): Everywhere infertility has led me has been beautiful. The people, places, experiences.. all of them have given me the feeling of being touched by God (you know the one).
I'm not talking about the dark days. Those I blame largely on myself, my lack of trust and refusal to carry the cross. I'm talking about the experiences I have had solely because of infertility, things I wouldn't have experienced without it. If you focus on those you'll begin to see a pattern. This is what God intended my infertility to be - a beautiful path filled with wonderful people and spiritual encounters. Here is a sampling:
- I swear my Creighton educator is heaven sent. During our first phone call she told me of her own battle with infertility and how she conceived shortly after giving it completely over to God (she went on to have six or seven kids). I can't begin to explain the guidance she has given me, and that's saying nothing about her help with the Creighton Model. Even the way I found out she existed was amazing. It was my first day at a new job at a Catholic retreat center that I was unsure about taking. I overheard someone say the diocese had a new fertility expert, so I called. I'm not sure I would have found out otherwise. So even during bad days at that job, I knew why God had put me there.
- Or how about our impromptu trip to the middle of Pennsylvania to meet with a priest who has been given the gift of healing. Father Mike's been known to pray with infertile couples only to have them conceive shortly thereafter (humbly, he admits he has no idea why he has this gift and, as he told us, would rather heal cancer patients if he had his say). Sitting in the basement of a house he shares with his elderly grandmother, he told us his story, asked about ours, then held our hands and said a simple Hail Mary. Then we went to lunch. I'm leaving out some detail, but it's safe to say it was one of the most surreal experiences of my life (now I just hope we don't break his good track record!). And, once again, the way I found out about him was bizarre. I applied for a job with my state's Right to Life Committee and while emailing with the executive director it soon came up that I was dealing with infertility (I still wonder how it got to that point so quickly, not the usual job-interview conversation. Only God can make something like that happen). She immediately told me about her infertility (she now has a daughter), Fr. Mike and about the PPVI Institute. I didn't end up taking the job, but I owe a lot to her.
- Last July I had to have an ultrasound series done ahead of my laparoscopy at PPVI. Unable to travel to Omaha for this, I was told that the only other ultrasound technician trained in their method on the east coast was in New Jersey. So I spent a week at the Morning Star Family Health Center (their web page displays the lyrics to "Gentle Woman" and their tag line is "Building a Culture of Life in Family Health Care". How great is that?!) where I received some of the most caring, wonderful treatment I'd ever experienced. I left with a really great feeling, an unofficial diagnosis and some hope.
- While in New Jersey we realized we weren't far from the St. Gianna Shrine just outside of Philadelphia. We drove up to the address only to find a small parish church with no sign of the shrine. After searching the entire premises, we entered the church to discovered a very simple, small shrine in the back corner of the sanctuary. Two women were sitting watch while a relic of St. Gianna - her white gloves - was displayed. I knelt, cried and prayed while holding the gloves and after praying I mustered the courage to approach the women to tell them why I was there. Immediately one of the women, who happened to be pregnant, told me she also suffered from infertility and conceived her first child after praying for the intercession of St. Gianna (her current pregnancy was actually her second). She also suffered from endometriosis, which I was told I had just the day before. The experience was a gift from God, and I continue to have a devotion to St. Gianna.
- And, of course, our entire experience with PPVI. From our trip to Omaha to the great care I have been given, this speaks for itself.
To me, these are all signs that God is in this. Perhaps an even bigger sign of God's presence is the fact that I can recognize this at all.
I'm not talking about the dark days. Those I blame largely on myself, my lack of trust and refusal to carry the cross. I'm talking about the experiences I have had solely because of infertility, things I wouldn't have experienced without it. If you focus on those you'll begin to see a pattern. This is what God intended my infertility to be - a beautiful path filled with wonderful people and spiritual encounters. Here is a sampling:
- I swear my Creighton educator is heaven sent. During our first phone call she told me of her own battle with infertility and how she conceived shortly after giving it completely over to God (she went on to have six or seven kids). I can't begin to explain the guidance she has given me, and that's saying nothing about her help with the Creighton Model. Even the way I found out she existed was amazing. It was my first day at a new job at a Catholic retreat center that I was unsure about taking. I overheard someone say the diocese had a new fertility expert, so I called. I'm not sure I would have found out otherwise. So even during bad days at that job, I knew why God had put me there.
- Or how about our impromptu trip to the middle of Pennsylvania to meet with a priest who has been given the gift of healing. Father Mike's been known to pray with infertile couples only to have them conceive shortly thereafter (humbly, he admits he has no idea why he has this gift and, as he told us, would rather heal cancer patients if he had his say). Sitting in the basement of a house he shares with his elderly grandmother, he told us his story, asked about ours, then held our hands and said a simple Hail Mary. Then we went to lunch. I'm leaving out some detail, but it's safe to say it was one of the most surreal experiences of my life (now I just hope we don't break his good track record!). And, once again, the way I found out about him was bizarre. I applied for a job with my state's Right to Life Committee and while emailing with the executive director it soon came up that I was dealing with infertility (I still wonder how it got to that point so quickly, not the usual job-interview conversation. Only God can make something like that happen). She immediately told me about her infertility (she now has a daughter), Fr. Mike and about the PPVI Institute. I didn't end up taking the job, but I owe a lot to her.
- Last July I had to have an ultrasound series done ahead of my laparoscopy at PPVI. Unable to travel to Omaha for this, I was told that the only other ultrasound technician trained in their method on the east coast was in New Jersey. So I spent a week at the Morning Star Family Health Center (their web page displays the lyrics to "Gentle Woman" and their tag line is "Building a Culture of Life in Family Health Care". How great is that?!) where I received some of the most caring, wonderful treatment I'd ever experienced. I left with a really great feeling, an unofficial diagnosis and some hope.
- While in New Jersey we realized we weren't far from the St. Gianna Shrine just outside of Philadelphia. We drove up to the address only to find a small parish church with no sign of the shrine. After searching the entire premises, we entered the church to discovered a very simple, small shrine in the back corner of the sanctuary. Two women were sitting watch while a relic of St. Gianna - her white gloves - was displayed. I knelt, cried and prayed while holding the gloves and after praying I mustered the courage to approach the women to tell them why I was there. Immediately one of the women, who happened to be pregnant, told me she also suffered from infertility and conceived her first child after praying for the intercession of St. Gianna (her current pregnancy was actually her second). She also suffered from endometriosis, which I was told I had just the day before. The experience was a gift from God, and I continue to have a devotion to St. Gianna.
- And, of course, our entire experience with PPVI. From our trip to Omaha to the great care I have been given, this speaks for itself.
To me, these are all signs that God is in this. Perhaps an even bigger sign of God's presence is the fact that I can recognize this at all.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
What's wrong with me (at least when it comes to infertility)
In past posts I've explained what has gotten me here but I haven't gone into detail about what's actually wrong. So here's where I stand now: I have stage 3 1/2 to 4 endometriosis which is on my appendix, ovaries, bladder and other various places around my abdominal cavity. It looks like black marks, except on my ovaries where it instead is in the form of cysts (not to be gross, but they're called chocolate cysts because they are filled with old blood). The cysts have caused my ovaries to appear several times their normal size and they are completely attached to my abdomen (they should be able to be moved freely with a tool during the laparoscopy). The cysts have also caused me to not release eggs. This was first discovered while having an ultrasound series done last July, and it was confirmed by Dr. Hilgers in August. The good thing, though, is that I am producing eggs. It's just that the cysts are completely in the way and so the eggs just basically shrivel up and die because they can't get out. I also have a web-like thing on my liver that Dr. Hilgers is going to remove during the laparotamy. He doesn't know what it is, which scared me at first. But then I realized that if it was something potentially serious he wouldn't have let me wait five months to have it removed. He is also going to take my appendix out during the surgery.
So all this time I haven't been ovulating. I have taken dozens of pregnancy tests over the last three years and I never had a shot at any of them. Dr. Hilgers said there's no chance, barring a miracle, that I can get pregnant before my surgery. This news was upsetting at first, but it's been kind of relaxing since then knowing that I don't have to worry about what day I'm on, if I've had enough mucus and if we're trying on the right days. It's been a bit of a break. But on the flip side, it's frustrating knowing that I just have to wait. There's no way I will get pregnant any time soon.
Dr. Hilgers also told me that my bloodwork shows I will need some hormone therapy following my surgery. He said the hormone levels that are off are due to stress. I couldn't believe it! Well actually I could. But what really surprised me was that simply de-stressing was not enough to regulate the hormones. I can relax all I want and I still need to take something.
So now there's less than a month to go until my surgery and I'm officially starting to get nervous. I'm not scared of the actual surgery. What makes me nervous is the physical pain immediately following and the emotional pain if I still can't get pregnant in the months following. That's why it is so hard to have hope. I am constantly protecting myself from potential future heartache. Hope really scares me. If anyone happens to read this (and makes it to this point) and has some advice on how to have hope in the face of possible heartbreak, please let me know.
On the bright side, a few months ago I wouldn't have been able to write any of this. I had absolutely no idea what was wrong with me and thought I could potentially never know for sure. So this is a step in the right direction. And I am thankful everyday that I've found the Pope Paul VI Institute. I know I am in the right hands and have the greatest chance for success that I can possibly have.
So all this time I haven't been ovulating. I have taken dozens of pregnancy tests over the last three years and I never had a shot at any of them. Dr. Hilgers said there's no chance, barring a miracle, that I can get pregnant before my surgery. This news was upsetting at first, but it's been kind of relaxing since then knowing that I don't have to worry about what day I'm on, if I've had enough mucus and if we're trying on the right days. It's been a bit of a break. But on the flip side, it's frustrating knowing that I just have to wait. There's no way I will get pregnant any time soon.
Dr. Hilgers also told me that my bloodwork shows I will need some hormone therapy following my surgery. He said the hormone levels that are off are due to stress. I couldn't believe it! Well actually I could. But what really surprised me was that simply de-stressing was not enough to regulate the hormones. I can relax all I want and I still need to take something.
So now there's less than a month to go until my surgery and I'm officially starting to get nervous. I'm not scared of the actual surgery. What makes me nervous is the physical pain immediately following and the emotional pain if I still can't get pregnant in the months following. That's why it is so hard to have hope. I am constantly protecting myself from potential future heartache. Hope really scares me. If anyone happens to read this (and makes it to this point) and has some advice on how to have hope in the face of possible heartbreak, please let me know.
On the bright side, a few months ago I wouldn't have been able to write any of this. I had absolutely no idea what was wrong with me and thought I could potentially never know for sure. So this is a step in the right direction. And I am thankful everyday that I've found the Pope Paul VI Institute. I know I am in the right hands and have the greatest chance for success that I can possibly have.
Friday, December 7, 2007
My story (it's long so feel free to skim)...
I've been thinking about writing a blog for some time now, and for some reason I have decided today is the day. I know I'll regret it later if I don't document my infertility journey as I go through it. If nothing else can come out of this, I hope that my story can help someone else. Since this all began I have found help hard to come by, so I hope that perhaps I can help to change that for others, in some tiny way.
So let me introduce myself in case anyone happens upon this blog. I am 30 years old, live in the Richmond, VA area (for only a few months) and have been struggling with infertility for three years now. I've probably been infertile for years, but I was married in September, 2004, and failed my first pregnancy test probably a month later. That's when I knew. How was I so sure? Probably because I'm a pessimist and because when, in college, I watched an episode of Party of Five where Matthew Fox's wife learns she's infertile I cried like a baby and thought, "That would be the worst thing ever. I'm afraid that might happen to me." So since then the fear of being infertile has been in the far back of my mind, but when it didn't happen right away I knew. Also, looking back, I had what I now understand to be endometriosis "attacks" several times since age 19, twice landing in the emergency room. I was always told it was gastrointestinal.
So after waiting the obligatory year to visit an OBGYN (I'm not even sure where I got that "rule" from, I didn't even try), I was put through all the regular tests, bloodwork, sonograms and six Clomid cycles. After those didn't work I was put on a waiting list for a fertility doctor known for all of his successful IVF cases. Being Catholic, IVF was not an option but my OBGYN really made me feel like if I didn't go, it was the end of the line for me ("and I must not really want a child if I won't do IVF." She didn't actually say that, but sometimes I think people think that.) So I sought the counsel of faithful friends who all agreed that it would be worthwhile to use the appointment as a "fact-finding mission." So we went and I knew I made a mistake when there were huge containers breathing dry ice smoke all over the hallways. A nurse told me they were doing housecleaning and, like I suspected, they were in fact frozen embryo containers.
The fertility doctor told me I needed a laparoscopy, but I decided not to have it done by him. I had, a few months earlier, begun learning the Creighton Model fertility care system through the Pope Paul VI Institute in Omaha, NE (I will post much more on that later) and after meeting with an educator who teaches you all about mucus and charting (and who was sent to us by God), all of my information was sent to Dr. Hilgers in Omaha. After he reviewed it he, too, determined I needed a laparoscopy. After a VERY long wait (a year from the time I began charting), I had a laparoscopy in Omaha in August '07. Upon waking up from the surgery, I was greeted by my husband (actually, they couldn't find him for a while.. he was wearing headphones when they paged him) who told me it went great - except for the fact that the endometriosis was so bad Dr. Hilgers couldn't do anything at that time and I would have to schedule a second, much more invasive surgery. I started crying and then, after many hours, realized it wasn't the worst news I could have gotten. My uterus is okay. My tubes are okay. My ovaries are sort of okay. My left ovary is 5-times its normal size and the right one is three times bigger because of the endometriosis - but they, underneath it all, are okay.
So, to wrap up this very long story... my second surgery is scheduled for January 8. I can't remember the name of it right now but it will take four hours and I will have to stay in the hospital for like three days. Dr. Hilgers says following this surgery and hormone treatment, our chances of conceiving will be between 50-60%. It could be a lot worse.
Now you know the clinical, factual side of my infertility journey, but there is much more to it. I'm also an emotional wreck, depressed, angry, hopeless, at times left wondering how I'll live without a child (because, as I said earlier, I can be a pessimist). Then there's the whole adoption issue. So much more to come!
Now for the most important part of this blog thus far (I told you you could skim)... a link to the Pope Paul VI Institute website. If you or someone you know is dealing with infertilty and hasn't sought their help, do so now:
http://www.popepaulvi.com/
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