In past posts I've explained what has gotten me here but I haven't gone into detail about what's actually wrong. So here's where I stand now: I have stage 3 1/2 to 4 endometriosis which is on my appendix, ovaries, bladder and other various places around my abdominal cavity. It looks like black marks, except on my ovaries where it instead is in the form of cysts (not to be gross, but they're called chocolate cysts because they are filled with old blood). The cysts have caused my ovaries to appear several times their normal size and they are completely attached to my abdomen (they should be able to be moved freely with a tool during the laparoscopy). The cysts have also caused me to not release eggs. This was first discovered while having an ultrasound series done last July, and it was confirmed by Dr. Hilgers in August. The good thing, though, is that I am producing eggs. It's just that the cysts are completely in the way and so the eggs just basically shrivel up and die because they can't get out. I also have a web-like thing on my liver that Dr. Hilgers is going to remove during the laparotamy. He doesn't know what it is, which scared me at first. But then I realized that if it was something potentially serious he wouldn't have let me wait five months to have it removed. He is also going to take my appendix out during the surgery.
So all this time I haven't been ovulating. I have taken dozens of pregnancy tests over the last three years and I never had a shot at any of them. Dr. Hilgers said there's no chance, barring a miracle, that I can get pregnant before my surgery. This news was upsetting at first, but it's been kind of relaxing since then knowing that I don't have to worry about what day I'm on, if I've had enough mucus and if we're trying on the right days. It's been a bit of a break. But on the flip side, it's frustrating knowing that I just have to wait. There's no way I will get pregnant any time soon.
Dr. Hilgers also told me that my bloodwork shows I will need some hormone therapy following my surgery. He said the hormone levels that are off are due to stress. I couldn't believe it! Well actually I could. But what really surprised me was that simply de-stressing was not enough to regulate the hormones. I can relax all I want and I still need to take something.
So now there's less than a month to go until my surgery and I'm officially starting to get nervous. I'm not scared of the actual surgery. What makes me nervous is the physical pain immediately following and the emotional pain if I still can't get pregnant in the months following. That's why it is so hard to have hope. I am constantly protecting myself from potential future heartache. Hope really scares me. If anyone happens to read this (and makes it to this point) and has some advice on how to have hope in the face of possible heartbreak, please let me know.
On the bright side, a few months ago I wouldn't have been able to write any of this. I had absolutely no idea what was wrong with me and thought I could potentially never know for sure. So this is a step in the right direction. And I am thankful everyday that I've found the Pope Paul VI Institute. I know I am in the right hands and have the greatest chance for success that I can possibly have.
Wow, the stress thing makes me wonder if that's part of my problem, too!
ReplyDeleteAs for how to have hope, that's a good question . . . I guess for me, what has made things a bit easier is that I was one of the last of my friends to get married. Most of my close friends already had at least one child by the time I was married. And seeing how things worked out for them helped, because they didn't all have an easy time of it. I think that all of my friends who wanted kids have either had a baby or adopted at this point. So, I kind of feel like, if all of them have kids now, one way or another, we probably will too someday. Sooner rather than later would be awfully nice, though!
Thank you for allowing me to read your story and get to know the ins and outs of your situation. I enjoy learning and meeting people
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for sharing your story, I am excited for you that you can begin to move forward soon.
ReplyDeleteHow to hope? Well the only hope I have found lately is knowing that God has NOT forgotten me, that even if we NEVER get pregnant, we WILL have a family, it is just all in His timing and plan. I know He has a perfect plan for you.
What if this infertility thing is just a means for us to learn how to fully surrender our will to His? How painful it is, but, in the end ... if we are closer to Him, perhaps it might all be worthwhile? And we will be better mothers for it.
I am also happy you can get those ovaries unstuck -- just think -- once they are free flowing, the little guys should have no problem finding them!