Dignitas Personae

Very fitting that on this feast day of Our Lady of Guadalupe, the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith released Dignitas Personae, an instruction on ethical issues surrounding procreation and biomedical research. 

IVF, infertility, birth control, and embryo adoption are among the issues addressed. 

Here's the document.

Guys, this is huge. It's a beautiful document (not surprisingly) that talks in specific terms about many of the issues we deal with on a daily basis. 

There is something to be said about your Church addressing the very cross you bear. I cried. I'm not sure why, other than perhaps because they are talking about it, about OUR issue. I actually started tearing up when I got to the part that says "surgery for endometriosis." I'm like, that's me! A Vatican document is discussing what I've gone through and what I am continuing to deal with. It just touched me. 

There are many amazing parts, but I think this is my favorite line:

Behind every “no” in the difficult task of discerning between good and evil, there shines a great “yes” to the recognition of the dignity and inalienable value of every single and unique human being called into existence. [emphasis in original]

How beautiful is that?

Behind this "no" there shines a "yes" called NaPro Technology, which was born out of the "no" in order to do just what this says - recognize the dignity and inalienable value of every single and unique human being called into existence. 

And those of us who have chosen to follow the NaPro path are saying "yes" - "yes" to life and "yes" to alternatives that protect life while still attempting to achieve pregnancy and treat the underlying disease. What a wonderful way to look at it!

Ramblings

I'm bored. And I'm in a weird mood, so I will warn you this post might seem cranky and kind of stream-of-consciousness.

First of all, is it just me, or is no one updating their blogs any more? Ever since I put that new fancy blog list on the side of my blog, with the titles of the most recent posts on all of your blogs, it seems like they never change. It's like watching water boil! I'm a little obsessed, so if you care about me at all, please, PLEASE, update your blogs. Not that you're busy or anything. That's no excuse.

The debate just started. Why bother? Obama's people will say he won, McCain's people will say he won, and the liberal media will say Obama won. And honestly, I hate debating. I hate it in real life and I hate it in politics. I don't like conflict of any kind and I don't like the idea of listening to Obama for half of the time tonight. I guess I'll be doing a lot of yelling at my T.V. I'm flipping back and forth from the Mets game, so I'll DEFINITELY be yelling a lot at my T.V. If I was a drinker, I think I'd play a drinking game where you have to drink every time Obama says "uh." I'm pretty sure I'd end the night pretty wasted.

So my spotting yesterday happened one time only. I haven't seen any since yesterday afternoon. Today I had some cramping, nausea, and light-headedness.

On another topic (I told you this would be all over the place), I'm wondering if my cranky mood has been due to thinking about abortion a lot over the past few days. Praying in front of an abortion clinic kind of depresses me, to be honest. It forces me to think about this evil in a real, tangible way. It makes me so darn mad at the doctors and nurses inside. I also pray for them and really try to love them, but I can still be mad at them. And while I also pray and love the women going inside, as an infertile woman I'm mad at them too. And to be honest, I haven't even actually laid eyes on anyone there. A friend of mine has, since she goes early in the morning when the abortions are done, and I think I'm going to join her during her shift next week. I want to see them and be forced to confront it. I'm not sure how I'll react. I know I'll be nervous but hopefully sooner or later I'll get the chance to offer kind words to someone going inside or even pray with one of them. I'll keep you updated.

Back to the debate now, for an update: In my opinion, I think McCain is doing great so far. Sure, I am blogging and only half-listening, but McCain just seems so confident.

So we have an infertility support group meeting tomorrow morning. If you get a chance, please pray for us and for its success. We may actually get some people to attend tomorrow, so hopefully the group can really begin to grow. It's just so important to spread the message of the Church's beautiful teachings on assisted reproductive technologies, and I'm so thankful this group gives us a way to do it.

Speaking of the Church's teachings, I somehow came across a blog tonight that talked about how horrible the Catholic Church's teachings on IVF are. It fired me up. It was an old post and the many, many comments were full of bickering, although mainly they were just anti-Catholic rants. The Church is just so misunderstood on this topic. If people really took the time to investigate why IVF is not allowed, I think some of them (not all) might at least understand why the Church would take this stance; they might not agree with it, but they hopefully would see that it is rooted in a belief in preserving life (which begins at fertilization) and the sacredness of the marriage union. The teaching is not there to make us miserable, or because the Church thinks science is evil, or because it believes children conceived through IVF are abominations (this misconception comes up a lot). Quite the contrary! The Church cares deeply about all the lives created through IVF, so much so that the embryo's right to life is the precise reason (or one of the reasons) it has deemed IVF illicit.

I'll get off my soapbox now.

Alright, I guess I'll go watch the debate. You know how the cable networks have those audience reaction meters? If you hooked me up to a blood pressure machine while I watched, it would look similar. It'd be off the charts whenever Obama speaks. I know, I need to relax.

The Infant

I've been meaning to write this post for a couple weeks now. It's just that what I'm about to write is so important to my infertility experience that I wanted to give it its due, and each time I sat down to write it I was either too busy, or there was too much going on around me, or I just wasn't in the right frame of mind. And, as with many experiences, I needed to capture it while it was still fresh or I might begin to question its importance or doubt its authenticity. I have already begun to do that to some degree.

Okay. Now that you're hopes are officially raised... (Seriously, don't get your hopes up. Forget I gave it any introduction or that I teased it all week. I'm just about to write a random post that you happened to come upon.)

So let's go back a little bit to early August (I'm going to tell this story in the timeline I experienced it). I was getting ready to travel up north for the big premiere, when I got a phone call from Betty, the woman helping to organize the event. She's the coordinator of the perpetual adoration chapel featured in the movie. At the end of our phone call, she said she was praying for me to have a child (as always) and was talking about how maybe God will bless me with that now that the movie's done, but maybe He won't. Then she asked me what my production company, Es.therJa.ne Productions is named after. I told her it was for my grandmother, Esther, who died when I was seven (we were super close and it seriously took me like 15 years to get over it and greatly affected my childhood). Then Betty said, out of the blue, "You know, you should pray to your grandmother. She's part of the communion of Saints and we don't utilize that enough." Well, that's all I needed. It's safe to say I took that as a sign that I was supposed to pray to her. I can just imagine her up there looking down on me, watching me go through this struggle with infertility. It must be breaking her heart, if that can even happen in Heaven.

I asked my grandmother for her intercession that night, and the next. Then a couple days later as we're driving up north, I mentioned Betty's remark to my husband, Ry.an, and told him that I'd prayed to my grandmother. He asked, "Didn't your mother have a dream about your grandmother and you and a baby, or something?" I answered, "That sounds oddly familiar, but if she did, how in the world would I have possibly forgotten something like that?" I mean, seriously, I'm seeing talking babies, yet I erase from my mind a dream involving me, my deceased grandmother, and a baby?

[I should also add that my mother and her mother (not Esther) have both had dreams involving deceased relatives throughout their lives. It's not something they talk about at all, and it doesn't happen very frequently. She's even had a few about Esther, including one in the days after her death that my mother isn't even sure was a dream. She saw her standing in her bedroom, clear as day. The other few were definitely dreams, but extremely vivid nonetheless. We'll get back to that later.]

So fast forward to the night of the premiere, after the movie is finished, as people are leaving. As I'm standing with one of my good friends (who also happens to be featured in the film) she mentioned to me that she'd been praying for me, which is not surprising in and of itself, but as she put it, "I have no idea why, but I've been praying for you to the Infant of Prague." A light bulb immediately went off in my brain and I probably sounded like an idiot because my reply was, "Uh, um, that sounds familiar. There's something about that...I need to ask someone..." My mind was doing cartwheels as I was trying to put it all together. My grandmother. The dream. The Infant of Prague.

Because that night was one of the craziest nights of my life, I wasn't able to speak to my mother about this. Meanwhile, in the back of my mind, I was worrying that it wasn't the Infant who was in her dream, that it was some other saint or image of Christ. As soon as I woke up the next morning, though, I asked her about it over the phone as she was at work.

"Mom, this might sound weird, but did you have a dream about _____ [name I called my grandmother, Esther, which is very far from Grandma or Granny or Nanny, so I'm gonna leave it out. Think baby's-first-words-but-unfortunately-not-directed-towards-her-father-like-they-should-have-been], a baby and the Infant of Prague?"

Yes, she did, she said. It was probably about a year and a half ago, and she told me about it at the time, but I still have NO IDEA how this slipped my mind (one a side-note, my sister thinks I wasn't supposed to remember it then, and that it was meant for now). She also said that at the time she wasn't worrying about my infertility at all. Here's the dream:

My mother sees me lying in bed in my childhood bedroom, as a child, and an Infant of Prague statue is over my bed (I should also add that I didn't have a statue over my bed as a child; my family didn't even own one). For some reason, she has a hard time describing what the statue was on or in - a shelf of some sort, but then she says it was in some sort of frame, yet it was a statue, not a picture. Probably not important, but you never know.

Cut to the next 'scene,' and I'm an adult, holding a baby. As my mother looks at me, surprised, my grandmother appears. "Don't worry," she says to my mother. "It's the Infant of Prague."

She said my grandmother went on to say that the Polish people have a devotion to him (my grandmother was 100% Polish, and while I haven't found a great deal on the internet about the Polish devotion to the Infant, I know that it is true because I have other, unrelated, Polish relatives who also have a devotion. And while the Infant of Prague is obviously in Prague, in the Czech Republic, the country still borders Poland).

I couldn't believe it. It was all starting to come together. A few things became very clear to me that morning, namely, 1) God himself wants me to have a devotion to the Infant of Prague, 2) my grandmother is definitely watching over me and taking care of me, specifically when it comes to infertility, and 3) she said "Don't worry." Don't worry! I seriously take that to mean that everything WILL turn out okay. And let's just add that I was holding a baby when she said it.

Was I holding the Infant Jesus? I'm not sure, but probably. Was I holding my future baby? I don't think so. One way you could interpret it would be to say that it means I won't have a baby of my own, but I will always have baby Jesus to hold. While I'm ever the pessimist (no offense, baby Jesus, at all), I just don't think that's what it means. And surprisingly, this isn't the first time someone has had an image of me holding Christ as a baby.

So back to the story. The next day, I'm online looking for an Infant of Prague statue, when I suddenly notice its feast day. January 2nd. My birthday. And St. Therese's birthday, who also happened to have a devotion to Him. I shrieked. I couldn't believe it; it was another sign. (I should also add that since that initial discovery, I have realized that there is quite the discrepancy over the Infant's feast day. Some put it in May, others put it in late January. But I'm fine with that, because my birthday is still in the mix. I don't think that's a coincidence.)

It's safe to say that I immediately jumped head first into a devotion to the Infant of Prague. I know God wants me to. I'm still looking for just the right statue, and someone told me the other day that it has to be given to you. That might be more of an old-wives-tale sort of thing, but as I continue to scour the internet, I am praying that the right statue will find me. We are more than half way through a novena which I plan on saying each month. And we even visited an Infant of Prague shrine about an hour away this past Saturday. We both described feeling very calm and serene as we prayed before the Infant in the quite loud church (Mass was letting out).

I truly believe that God was giving me a grace with this glimpse into Him, and perhaps it was no coincidence that he did it on the night of my premiere. I'm not saying I deserved a reward or that God even works like that, but this has been a hard-fought battle and I'm just starting to turn a corner and I think God likes that. I prayed - hard - for a sign, all while asking His forgiveness that I needed a sign in the first place. I shouldn't. But He knows we are human and He sees us struggle. He knows when our intentions are pure and we are not attempting to prove His existence, just get some much-needed help along the way as we bear our Cross.

In the weeks following this turn of events, my mind, naturally, has begun to downplay it. Even as I write this post I'm worried some may read it and think I'm looking too far into a silly dream and some additional coincidences. I can't let that doubt creep in. (And, for what it's worth, there are documented miracles attributed to the Infant that involve dreams.)

As all of these events were happening, my view of this struggle of infertility completely changed. I was holding a baby, my grandmother told my mother, "DON'T WORRY." This message makes me realize I can do this, I can get through this. God, Himself, wants me to be strong. He was in my arms in the form of a baby, what I want most in this world.

I have felt much more peace in the days since, and I truly have the utmost confidence that the Miraculous Infant is taking care of me and doing His best to grant me my heart's desire. This was all a gift from God, and to now downplay it would be to make light of a gift that I prayed for from Him. Thanks, God. That was a pretty good try, but could you be even more obvious next time? Maybe come to me in a crowded shopping mall and publicly declare the day I will conceive? Oh, and I'll also take an order of financial security and health for my entire family with that. Thanks.

I'll probably need to reflect on this in additional posts, but this is the main story for now. Thanks for reading, and feel free to offer any insights you may have on it as well. There's definitely a lot for me to think about!

My American Idol post

Maybe it was hormones, maybe it was the confetti, maybe it was the fact that producers lied about the "biggest star in the world" making an appearance (sorry, George Michael), but the American Idol finale left me in tears. I was a Jason Castro supporter until he was kicked off (and yes, very happy he reprised 'Hallelujah', but was I the only one waiting for some big name to come out and duet with him? Ray LaMontagne, or Damien Rice, perhaps? Missed opportunity, Fox. And speaking of Jason, did you catch him getting a bit too close to the pyro at the end of the first number? Be careful with the dreads!). After Jason left, I became a David Cook fan. Yes, Archuleta was great too, but I just wish he wasn't so "adult contemporary" at the ripe age of 17. I just think David Cook is so nice, and how sad is it that his brother has brain cancer? All I keep thinking is how hard it must be for that family, especially for their mom. One of her sons is on the top of the world, while the other is possibly dying. So, anyways, that explains my tears I guess.

Okay, so AI is out of the way and Fox's very best reality talent competition can now begin - So You Think You Can Dance! That's right. I love it. If you've never watched, give it a try. You won't be disappointed. Unless you hate dancing.

Back to infertility now.. I came across a great blog tonight that maybe you all already know about, but it's new to me. It's called The Apostolate of Hannah's Tears. It's a Catholic infertility/adoption blog and offers links to several great resources. One part I found especially interesting was a list of patron saints of childless couples. Since I happen to get a lot of visitors who find my site after googling "patron saint of infertility," I thought I'd post the list: St. Anne Line, St. Catherine of Genoa, St. Colette, St. Gummarus, St. Henry II, St. Julian the Hospitaller, St. Agnes of Rome, St. Gianna Beretta Molla, St. Nicolas of Myra, and Sts. Perpetua and Felicity.

And now I just realized that when people land on my site in the future via a "patron saint of infertility" search, they'll forever be forced to first read my American Idol review, wondering what this blog has to do with infertility. Well, if you made it this far, just consider it an extra treat.

Novena begins, and thoughts on Papal visit

Today begins the novena leading up to the feast day of St. Gianna Beretta Molla. This is a great opportunity to ask for God's healing - spiritually, emotionally and physically - and for the assistance of St. Gianna. When I sent in my prayer intentions to the St. Gianna Society for this novena, I prayed for my husband and myself, as well as all those suffering with infertility, so you are all in my prayers. Please consider starting this novena today, and may St. Gianna intercede on behalf of all those suffering with infertility. Here is the prayer:

Novena
To Obtain Graces Through Saint Gianna Beretta

God, our Father, You have granted to Your church the gift of Gianna Beretta Molla. In her youth she lovingly sought You and drew other young people to You, involving them, through apostolic witness and Catholic Action, in the care of the sick and aged, to help and comfort them.We thank You for the gift of this young woman, so deeply committed to You. Through her example grant us the grace to consecrate our lives to Your service, for the joy of our brothers and sisters.

Glory be …

Jesus, Redeemer of mankind, You called Saint Gianna to exercise the medical profession as a mission for the comfort of bodies and souls. In her suffering fellow men and in the little ones, deprived of all support, she saw You. We thank You for having revealed Yourself to this servant as “one who serves” and who soothes the sufferings of men. Treasuring her example may we become generous Christians at the service of our brothers and sisters, especially those with whom You deign to share Your Cross.

Glory be…

God, Sanctifying Spirit, who love the Church as Your Bride, You poured into the heart of Saint Gianna a share of Your Love so that she could radiate it in her family, and thus cooperate with You in the wonderful plan of creation, and give life to new children who could know and love You. We thank You for this model wife and, through her encouraging witness, we beg You to grant to our families the serene and Christian presence of mothers committed to transform their homes into cenacles of faith and love, rich with generous activity and sanctifying service.

Glory be…

O God, Creator and lover of mankind, You were close to Saint Gianna when, affected by illness, she was in the painful dilemma of choosing between her own life and the life of the child whom she was carrying in herself, a gift long-awaited. Trusting You alone, and aware of Your Commandment to respect human life, Gianna found the courage to do her duty as a mother and to say “yes” to the new life of her baby, generously sacrificing her own. Through the intercession of Mary, Mother of Jesus, and after the example of Gianna, inspire all mothers to welcome with love the sparkle of new life. Grant us the grace we are praying for …………. and the joy to find an inspiration in Saint Gianna who, as a model spouse and mother, after the example of Christ, gave up her life for the life of others.

Hail Mary…

On another note, how wonderful was the Pope's visit this week?! I am so excited with the positive news coverage it all has received. For the most part, the Church has been portrayed in a positive light and there seems to be immense excitement surrounding Catholicism because of his visit. Watching his Mass today did help to lift my spirits on a day when I was beginning to despair. I was saddened to read, though, that pro-choice politicians did not heed Pope Benedict's own teaching and refrain from receiving the Eucharist at Mass in D.C. I know there is heated debate surrounding this issue, but in my opinion, they are creating public scandal by receiving. (I also was worried when I heard on Fox News that Yankee stadium sold out of hot dogs today! I really hope they were all consumed during that Harry Connick , Jr. concert held before the Mass began, and not within one hour of receiving!) Anways, Pope Benedict looked great, so much younger than his age, and how about that big cheer today during his homily when he mentioned life in the womb! That was my favorite part. I will leave you with this video combining four of my favorite things - the Pope, EWTN, Ave Maria, and... American Idol! It's EWTN's coverage of Kelly Clarkson singing Ave Maria for Pope Benedict. It's really beautiful.

Great article!

This morning I got a pleasant surprise when my husband pointed out to me a headline on the cover of the most recent issue of Faith & Family that arrived today. It read, "God Made Me Infertile." Yay! A story about infertility in a publication that isn't all about infertility! And it was an article I knew would be pro-life and would not contradict Church teaching. My next surprise came when I flipped to the article and discovered it was all about Lottie and Tate from catholicinfertility.org! But it wasn't over yet. I read the article, which talked all about the couple's struggle with infertility, their adoption journey that has brought them three beautiful children, and their discovery of the Pope Paul VI Institute. A lot of the story I was familiar with from their website, until the end, that is. It said they were able to conceive and Lottie is pregnant with a baby boy! I am so excited for them!

It's a great article (and a great magazine, by the way) and I suggest you read it if you have access to the magazine (it's not online as far as I know).

After a mini-breakdown last night (not anger, just a little sad-for-no-reason type of episode), I'm doing well today. I talked with the Pope Paul VI Institute for my six week check-up today and the great news is they have ordered bloodwork for Peak +7, which is tomorrow! I don't even need to be patient this time! They also told me I have to call on the first day of my next cycle to do a cycle review. I'm so excited! Things are moving forward and each day I'm closer to finding out if anything else is wrong with me, if my hormones are okay, if I need medication, if they'll try me on Clomid, etc., etc.

Questions about prayer

Today I'm on cycle day 16. I've had six peak mucus days and the ovulation tests have been positive for the last three days. I still think this is a good sign because usually on CD 16 I am just beginning my "fertile" days. I've also had some pain in my lower abdomen the last two days. So far this cycle kind of appears semi-normal, but we'll see how it goes from here.

So as this cycle progresses, I've been doing a lot of praying and thinking. I've been stuck on something the last few days: I pray to God on a daily basis asking Him to allow me to become pregnant and have a child, but if He already has a plan for us, can we change His mind? And if we are supposed to accept His will for us, is it disobedient to keep asking Him for something that may or may not be His will? How can we accept and continue to keep asking at the same time?

I started thinking about this when I was praying a novena to St. Anthony. I was struck by the wording and the confidence with which you ask St. Anthony to obtain your intention for you. Here's a sample:

Animated now with the most lively confidence, even with full conviction of not being refused, I fly for refuge to thee...

I love that confidence and it really helps me to have hope that my request will be granted. I was always taught that we can present a request to God and if He thinks it's beneficial to our soul, He may grant it. But then if God already has it all planned out, does that mean He is open to changes? Is God persuaded by a really good argument?

Let's pretend, hypothetically, that God's will for me is that I never get pregnant. So am I wasting my time praying for a pregnancy? I know the benefits of prayer in general and getting a "yes" answer isn't the only reason to pray. But it just seems like a lot of time is spent asking for certain things and if we weren't able to change God's will, then why would so many people bother? Ahhh! This is so confusing!!

Here's a really bad analogy: Let's say I really wanted a certain gift from my parents for my birthday. I know they already bought me my present, which they really put a lot of thought into. I don't know what their present is, but I still ask them every day for a certain item I really want, which may or may not be the item they already bought me. Isn't it rude to keep asking them for this item, knowing they've already purchased a present and did it with my best interest in mind? But if I made a good argument for what I really wanted, why it would be ideal for me to have (and not selfish, mundane reasons, but that this present would make me a better person and a better daughter), would they take the first present back (assuming it wasn't already what I was asking for) and buy me what I wanted? My parents may, but I know them much better than I know God. He is still a big mystery to me for the most part, but I know He loves us and hears us.

There's probably an established Catholic teaching on this, but I'm not sure where to look. I posed this question to my poor husband and he seemed to understand it and have an answer but I couldn't make sense of what he was saying. Maybe I'll ask my question on EWTN's apologist forum. I'm definitely going to pray about it.

Sorry if this is confusing. Please share your thoughts on this if you have any!

His perfect will

Since my husband and I have moved to our new state, we've been amazed at how many there are of one thing in particular: vanity plates. You can get one for just $10.00, and apparently a lot of Virginians find that offer hard to pass up. And I mean a lot. We are constantly trying to decipher them, imagining scenarios by which the car owner would pick such a plate, and we even report back to each other on annoying ones we've spotted. Well, today as I was driving I noticed a plate in front of me that read ROMI2 2. As always, I felt like this was a sign (assuming it wasn't for someone named Romi who likes the number 2). When I got home I looked up Romans chapter 12, verse 2 and found this:

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Let me just attempt to explain how perfect this passage is for me right now. As I've previously posted, I underwent a conversion about three years ago. I have always been Catholic, but had drifted away and this conversion brought me back. At some point in the last few days something made me start thinking about my conversion and whether I had really changed. I had certainly changed in some concrete ways - I attend Mass every Sunday, go to confession, was commissioned as a lay minister - but I started to wonder, is my heart truly different? Do I convey Christ to others? Would my friends and family say I've changed for the better? I'm not sure. So I had been thinking about this lately and had begun to feel that little tug. You know, that little tug on your soul when God decides to put something on your heart, when suddenly everywhere you turn someone's talking about that something, EWTN is doing a special about it, it's the focus of the homily at Mass that week. I knew God was calling me to continue my conversion, which is supposed to be a lifelong process anyway. But I wasn't sure yet how it fit into my infertility struggle (because, after all, doesn't everything have to do with infertility?).

Then I saw this license plate. The first part of this verse really speaks to my ongoing conversion and what I've been thinking about this week: Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. It's exactly what has been on my mind lately! The next part of the verse ties into infertility and something else I constantly struggle with: Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is. When I saw that it had to do with God's will, I knew I was meant to see it.

So perhaps becoming less of the world will help me become more in tune with - and accepting of - God's will. As I've said before, I like instructions and have a difficult time with someone simply telling me to accept God's will. Maybe this is God's way of letting me know how to actually get to that point.

The last part of the verse is my favorite - his good, pleasing and perfect will. Let's just think about this for a moment. Infertility is God's good, pleasing and perfect will for me and my husband. What a thought! Surprisingly, it doesn't make me angry or bitter, but happy and peaceful (okay, but I have to admit I still hope pregnancy is His will for me. I'm not that good yet!). Knowing that His will - whatever that may be - is always good, pleasing and perfect makes accepting it a little bit easier. It's just another reminder that He loves us so much and His will would never be to bring us harm. Now I just have to remember that on my depressed-and-at-the-complete-end-of-my-rope days.

What I've learned so far this Lent

My first 15 minutes of silent prayer went well yesterday (although after I finished my post I completely forgot that I had just written that I was going to pray and only remembered after checking email and a few websites). I had a nun (actually a sister, but for the sake of not confusing it with one of my biological sisters, I'll call her a nun) instruct me once to sit in a chair with my feet planted firmly on the ground and close my eyes. So I do this, and then ask God to speak to my heart. It's sometimes hard at first because I like to fidget, but I usually calm down after a few minutes and then the time flies. Between yesterday and today I think I had a few good topics come up while I prayed. I'll share them here from time to time, for no other reason than so I can reflect on them and perhaps they'll help someone else as well.

Yesterday, while in prayer, I think God was trying to get me to examine my motives for wanting a pregnancy. Now, I know He knows I want to raise up children to worship Him, because I have told him this a hundred times. I don't think He thinks my heart is entirely in the wrong place. But I do think He is questioning this immense desire for so-called joy that I say I have. You know, that feeling of complete happiness and accomplishment and celebration that we see others experience and we feel left out? I think the Super Bowl first brought it to mind, just imagining how it must feel the night of a Super Bowl win. Then I thought about it again while watching American Idol, the complete joy the contestants who get a yellow ticket to Hollywood must feel. I think seeing a positive pregnancy test would feel that way, and lately I've begun to covet that feeling. Not that there's anything wrong with joy or being happy about a pregnancy; of course God longs for us to be joyful and learning of a pregnancy has been a joyful time for people throughout history. But it's the coveting of that feeling where I go wrong. I obsess over it, imagine what it must feel like, feel sorry for myself that it appears unattainable, jealous of those who experience it in any form. This is where it goes from actual joy to a worldly desire for pleasure. I think God is trying to get me back on track. Like I said, He knows my intentions are pure for the most part, but this infertility thing can mess with your head. Plus, I think He wants to remind me that joy is there for the taking and I don't need a pregnancy to experience it. Right now that is a hard pill to swallow, but deep down I know it's true. I just can't seem to figure out how to feel it right now.

I've also been trying to focus on trusting in God's will. Along with working on having patience this Lent, I am also going to try to trust God. I had an insight into this the other day while brushing my dog Sophie's hair. She's a Lhasa Apso (the ones in the dog shows who have hair all the way to the ground..it must be a full-time job to keep up with that) and for the past three years I haven't been good about brushing her hair and she always becomes all matted and then we have to take her to get shaved. So I'm trying something new and brushing her hair every day or so. For the most part she must like it because she sits still, but the other day I must have hit a knot because she went nuts. She immediately jumped up, barked at me and showed me her teeth to which I replied, "Sophie, I'm doing this for you!" I realized that, obviously, she can't possibly understand that I have her best interest in mind. Her reaction comes from an inability to trust me in this situation. Well, I immediately thought of how this parallels my own problems with God. Infertility is causing me pain and I blame Him for this. Why? Because I don't trust Him. If I trusted Him I would take the pain because I know He has my overall best interest in mind. But, just like Sophie, I growl and bark at Him because of a lack of trust. I know this is something I need to work on and so I'm going to try to pray something simple this Lent that is second nature to Catholics but I, for one, don't really mean it: Thy will be done. Maybe if I pray it with my head, my heart will follow.

This is kind of a hodge-podge post, and I know this is getting long, but I wanted to include a story of something that happened last night at Ash Wednesday Mass. I had to go alone because my husband works nights and I went to a church closer to our house, instead of where we normally go. The place was packed; I had to park on the road a distance away and had to stand, along with dozens of others, in the back of the church. At the end of the homily the priest announced that high school students were going to assist in handing out the ashes. When I reached the front of the line a high school boy put his hand to my forehead and proceeded to absolutely drench me in ashes. I felt them all over my nose. I watched them fall onto my shirt. As I turned to walk back I put my hand to my nose only to realize I had probably just smudged a small portion of what was covering my face. I put my head down (of course I had worn my hair in a pony tail so there was no hiding) and I felt like people were staring and I swear I heard laughing (I'm sure I didn't really, but it's amazing what your mind can do). Let me just say, too, that I'm not someone who likes to show off their ashes. I've heard the debate about whether people who like to wear their ashes should go to an evening Mass, while those who are embarrassed of them should go in the morning. I would definitely be someone who should go in the morning, because it would truly be a penance for me to wear them all day, worrying if people were looking at and judging me. So while walking back I immediately began to think that God must have done this to me because He knows I don't like them and was trying to teach me humility. Well, if so, it worked. But then I began to think that my huge amount of ashes must be proportionate to the amount of sin I've committed this past year. Kind of like coal in your stocking at Christmas, God was showing the world, or at least this packed parish, that this woman was really bad. Finally I reached the back of the church and kept walking, looking for a bathroom. I found it, prayed no one would look at me as I entered, and luckily found an open stall just inside the door. I closed the stall door behind me, whipped out a compact with mirror and saw the horror - it was pretty bad. I wiped it all off, tried to wipe off my shirt, and calmly walked out to the sink area. As I was washing my hands, a woman walked in laughing - with ashes all over her face! She was complaining about the high school boy who did it when another pretty young girl heard her and said that was why she was in the bathroom too. So I chimed in, and immediately felt better. So maybe it wasn't some big lesson about what a horrible person I am! But then again, there are probably a few lessons in there somewhere.

Prayer

I'm feeling good today, although a bit hesitant about my Lenten sacrifice of impatience and nervous that I will fail. My good spirits may be due to the weather outside - it is in the 70's and I'm a life-long northerner so I feel like I'm vacation - or to hormones. But, nonetheless, I haven't been impatient this Lent as of 3:30 p.m. EST.

Something I have been thinking about today, though, is prayer. I will need prayer to help me with patience throughout the next forty days. But I'm just not good at it. I loved having my weekly hour of perpetual adoration before we moved because it forced me to pray and also opened me up to new forms of prayer, namely sitting in silence and listening to God speak. Left to my own devices I am just not disciplined enough to pray. I think this is because my mind is constantly racing and thinking about a million different things (right now my topic of choice is paint colors for our new home). Or else I find a million things to do other than praying - there's just a couple more websites I need to check first or I might be missing something on t.v. This is so bad! I love God, so why isn't this love motivation enough? Do I love t.v. or the internet or decorating rooms more? Then, as you see, I fall into the whole guilt thing and am hard on myself. But nothing changes.

It's not that I don't pray. What I am good at is praying all day long, wherever I am. I pray while reading others' blogs. I pray when I hear of someone's sickness or death. I pray in a tempting situation when I need God's help. I pray when I'm depressed. But I just don't feel like it is enough and I know I have enough time on my hands to do much more. I also know that I need prayer to get me through infertility and I definitely haven't done what I should be doing in that department.

I also have a problem with how to pray. I have had assistance with this and have gotten better at it, but I'm still not sure I'm maximizing its potential. Like I said before, I have trouble concentrating during prayer. I try to pray at night while I lie in bed and before I know it I'm thinking about something else. How rude that is to God!

I obviously need to work on prayer this Lent. I really like the sitting in silence idea. Maybe instead of loading myself up with lofty goals of starting the Diving Office or some other sort of formal prayer (and setting myself up for failure) I will simply put aside some time to pray in silence, shutting out everything else and listening to God speak to me (heaven knows I need His input right now). I will start small, say 15 minutes a day, and increase it when I feel like I want to (again, so I don't set myself up for failure).

Now the problem is actually doing it. So I guess I will end this post and do it. Right now. Before I lose motivation, or check my email, or turn the t.v. on. Wish me luck.

An experiment in patience

With Lent just around the corner, I've been thinking a lot about what I'm going to focus on for these forty days. I've been trying to figure out how I'll go into the desert with the Lord - what should I give up, what should I start doing, how can I become a better Christian. I keep coming back to one thing - infertility, and it's not because of my obsession with it (well, maybe a little). Rather, it's because I need to, once and for all, begin to focus on the things I've been avoiding: Hope. Patience. Trusting God's will.

This may not sound like anything new. Hope, patience and trust are practically all I blog about. But the difference this Lent is that I'm going to stop talking and start doing.

I'm starting with patience. It's an underlying problem that needs to be tackled before I can begin to try to have hope or trust. It's something I need to work on to get me through each day.

pa·tience /ˈpeɪʃəns/ – noun: 1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.

The definition of patience (from dictionary.com) really struck me. When I think about what it means to be patient I usually think it means getting through the day without being obsessed with infertility. It means getting rid of that anxious feeling in my chest when I think about how I want to be pregnant RIGHT NOW. But I never thought it had anything to do with not complaining. Reading this definition is actually what inspired me to become patient. In that one definition a directive was given to me, an actual instruction of how to accomplish it. Don't complain. Bear your misfortune, your pain, without complaining, becoming irritated or losing your temper. I'm an instructions person; I need to be told exactly how to do something. So this is a good start.

2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay

The important term here is willingness. I clearly don't currently have the ability. I may not even currently have the willingness; despair can be a comfortable place. I am very familiar with being irritable, angry, annoyed, impatient. But that's what Lent is for. I am going to be willing to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay because it is Lent and I owe that to God.

3. quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence.

Perseverance. Even-tempered. Diligent. So not me! But, again, these are good instructions on how to be patient.

So how do I become patient? How do I suddenly stop complaining and become that even-tempered person I've always dreamed of? I think the secret ingredient, for me at least, is to simply act like I am. It worked when I was trying to have faith, so I should have faith that it will work when I'm trying to have patience.

So here's what I'm going to try to do:

1. I will try not to complain (not about infertility in general, but about the time-table)
2. I will try to be more even tempered and not completely break down
3. If I feel a break-down coming on, I will pray
4. I will set small goals, looking forward to the things happening in the days and weeks ahead
5. I will act outwardly as if I am patient

Don't get me wrong, I'm not sure this will work. I'm not sure I won't fail. But I've got to start somewhere or I'm just going to drown. Like I've said before, I know God doesn't want me to act like this. He's asking me to follow Him out of this. I'm not happy with myself, I don't want to be so hopeless, so impatient, irritable, angry.

I don't think there's anything wrong with my natural reactions to infertility. It's completely normal to be depressed and to grieve. But God wants me to grow as a result of this as well, or else it would be a complete waste of time.

My patron saint and me

Today I received my patron saint for the year from yourpatronsaint.blogspot.com. I read about the site on another blog and was immediately intrigued. All you have to do is email someone through the site and they match you up with a saint. I'm not sure how they actually do the matches, but they say the saint chooses you. So, of course, I emailed the woman to ask for my saint for the year with the hope that it would provide some insight into my infertility and whether I'd soon get pregnant (everything with me revolves around possibly gaining some hint from God as to whether I'll ever have a baby. Probably not a good thing).

Well I received my saint today via email and it's (drumroll please).........

Saint Isidore the Farmer.

That's right, Farmer. As in one who works on a FARM. Well, if St. Isidore chose me, there must be a reason so I immediately googled him. Turns out there is a connection, and an initially depressing one at that.

Here's a quick synopsis: St. Isidore and his wife had one son who died unexpectedly as a child. They were in such grief that they decided God did not will for them to have children (ya, that's right). They decided to live a chaste life (yes, they lived together without having sex for the rest of their lives) doing good works.

Wow! My immediate reaction was easy: A childless saint chose me therefore I will be childless. Plain and simple. It took me a little while to get past this, at which time I realized I should probably look more into it; I at least owed that to St. Isidore.

What I came up with is that St. Isidore choosing me may not be a sign that I will be childless, but it may be a sign that he knows what I'm going through. Sometimes I like to picture the saints watching us and feeling sad for us. I'm not sure there even is sadness in heaven, but thinking that they feel sorry for me makes me feel a little better. I'm not sure why, but it does. So maybe St. Isidore feels my pain and wants to comfort me.

We obviously don't share the death of a child, but then my mind immediately went to miscarriage. Will I suffer a miscarriage this year? But I realized that I don't think God is trying to give me hints. God doesn't send us cryptic messages to decipher and find hidden meaning in. He also doesn't want us to worry all day about something possibly happening. So I don't think that was the intention.

I also started thinking I could probably learn a lot from St. Isidore's reaction to his childlessness, which was vastly different from my own. He started going to daily Mass and decided to take the quite drastic step of living a chaste married life. I don't think God wants that of me (the chaste part at least.. I should go to daily Mass) or for us to give up trying for children, but I'm not even in the same stratosphere as St. Isidore when it comes to our reactions. He embraced God in a radical way, while I am fighting God's will tooth and nail.

So I think I'll start asking St. Isidore for his intercession. When I feel like no one understands, maybe St. Isidore will. His grief moved him to change his life for the better and to focus on his true calling - worshipping God. All I'm doing in my grief is feeling sorry for myself. I guess there's a lot I could learn from this farmer.

Pope defends life

Reuters: "Pope says some science shatters human dignity"

*In this article Pope Benedict makes statements regarding practices such as freezing embryos, suppression of embryos in multiple pregnancies, and artificial insemination

Leaving tomorrow, bright and early

Well I am now spiritually prepared for my big surgery. Tonight I went to confession and had an Anointing of the Sick.

I love confession, and just a few short years ago I would have thought you were crazy if you told me I would one day write those words. But since I went through a conversion a few years ago, I've learned what a wonderful opportunity it is to cleanse yourself and truly feel God's grace and forgiveness. So while in with the priest tonight I asked him if he could give me a special blessing ahead of my surgery on Tuesday. He said to find him after the 5:30 p.m. Mass and he would do an anointing, since there was another woman he was already planning to anoint. So I did, and it was beautiful. I've had it done before, once when there was a "community" anointing at my old church. I kind of did it that time for infertility in general. That was the first time I had heard that you could receive the sacrament for a number of reasons. You don't have to be dying, you don't even have to be sick in the traditional sense. You could have a "sickness" of the spirit, the mind, or the body. That day we were also told you could receive it on behalf of someone else. Anway, it's a beautiful Sacrament.

So I'll now finish my novena to St. Gianna, keep praying, and try to focus on God's promise to protect me. And I should also focus on the many, many people praying for me. From friends and family, to friends of friends and family, I truly have an army of people praying.

We head out tomorrow morning, at or around 6 a.m. hopefully, for our two-day drive. This is the worst part - the waiting for the trip to begin. That's when my anxiety really takes ahold of me. I need to trust God! I need to trust God! Okay, so that's my mantra for the next couple days. If I'm freaking out in the next couple of days I might post again, since it helps me relax. But if not, I'll do so when I'm feeling better.

May it be done to me according to your word

"And behold, Elizabeth, your relative, has also conceived a son in her old age, and this is the sixth month for her who was called barren; for nothing will be impossible for God." Mary said, “Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word.” Luke 1:36-38

I hadn't thought much about what the readings would be at Mass today ahead of time, but I should have known - the Gospel reading is a favorite of mine. Throughout the last three years I have been obsessed with finding comfort in Scripture. I know this isn't always good and probably has caused me to miss the meaning in a great many passages. After all, I don't believe God wants me to be entirely consumed by infertility. There's a better than average chance he wants me to think about a lot of other things. But even so, I have blinders on. So, with that in mind, today's Gospel on the Solemnity of the Immaculate Conception of the Blessed Virgin Mary speaks to me and my struggle with infertility.

I believe it does this for at least two reasons. Obviously, the story of Elizabeth is what I hope for (although I hope it happens when I'm a tad bit younger). The sudden, unexpected pregnancy when all hope seemed lost. I mean, think about it. The phrase "for nothing will be impossible for God" could have been talking about the resurrection, or the incarnation or any of the other wonders of the Bible. I would have found comfort in those words no matter what they had been specificially referring to. But, no, they are referring to my very struggle. I think that is a gift. God isn't mincing words here; he is using infertility to make a much broader point but is nonetheless referring to infertility.

The rest of the passage, meanwhile, speaks to me about not necessarily getting pregnant, but the journey. A couple years ago, early on in my infertility struggle, it occurred to me when reading this passage that God may be calling me to infertility, in much the same way that he called Mary to fertility. I had never thought of infertility as a calling before and the notion gave me comfort. To someone who wants to be pregnant more than anything else in the world, the idea of an angel appearing to you and telling you you'll conceive a child is like a dream. I don't care if the angel told me my baby would have two heads and green skin. But, in all honesty, the fear and hesitation Mary likely felt when the angel propositioned her is probably no different than if an angel appeared and asked me to not conceive a child. She knew it seemed absurd, it would be difficult, it would change her life. I assume it was not part of any day dreams she'd had about her future. But she said yes. And, like Mary, I need to have the courage to say 'yes' to waiting, or to say 'may it be done to me according to your word.' I need to follow her example of obedience. That hasn't been going too well so far, but I think it's a step in the right direction that I'm even thinking about it.

On a side note, I'm already having a good day because my husband and I went out to breakfast after Mass. We don't have a lot of spending money right now, but I'm always will to spend it regardless. He's the one that reigns us in. So when he suggested it, I was so excited! (it doesn't take much). When we'd finished, I asked him if it was bad that I had eaten eggs benedict when I was trying to diet until Christmas. In response, he actually suggested we should start a new tradition of literally feasting on feast days (therefore, I was actually required to splurge!). So we decided that we should go out to eat to celebrate all Holy Days from now on. And I guess that also means any other feast days of personal importance to us, like the feasts of St. Therese (special to me because we share the same birthday and my confirmation name is Rose), St. Maximilian (patron of pro-life causes and journalists), St. Anne (my middle name), St. Gianna (love her - I'll write about that in the future), St. Gerard, I could go on and on! I love eating out! Seriously though, good friends of ours celebrate all of their feast days. It's the child's special day and they have a cake, I believe. That is one tradition that I would love to do with my children, if I am blessed with any. So why wait?