Trusting and hoping

I had a great hour in adoration this morning. I couldn't wait to go to pray about what to do about adoption, which I did. I asked God to please reveal his will to me on this topic and then immediately asked for his forgiveness if he had already given me his answer (which he probably did on Sunday when, after praying about it at Mass and throughout the day, I felt strongly that we should remain patient. I just tend to second guess everything).

I really felt God's grace in there. I left adoration convinced that we're definitely supposed to wait. I'm not 100% sure why we're supposed to wait, or for how long exactly, but I'm trusting that God has it all figured out. It could be many reasons, like maybe we're not supposed to switch agencies until next month in order to get our child through an agency that we haven't yet heard of. Or maybe we're supposed to wait two more years and our child will come from the agency we're working with now. Or maybe the baby will come from someone we know who knows someone who's in a crisis pregnancy.

You get the point.

Honestly (and thankfully) I am not too concerned with what the reason is at this point. I know that I only want his will to be done, whatever that is. I haven't come this far to stray from his path for me now! It only took me about four-and-a-half years, but I finally realized, by the grace of God, that I had to make a choice - either keep trying to will a pregnancy to happen (and we all know how that works out) or sit back and ask God to take over, the same God who happens to have my very best interest in mind.

It was really only out of sheer exhaustion that I took the second option.

I'm also not ruling out actually getting pregnant. What? Yes, I said it. As hard as it may be, I felt strongly today in adoration that I'm supposed to remain hopeful about every possibility. Me telling God that a pregnancy is not possible is ridiculous. And kind of prideful. Only he knows what is ahead for us. And if being hopeful makes me fall a little harder each month (because isn't self-preservation the reason we tell ourselves it's not possible?) then that's a trial he must want me to endure.

We are called to approach God like little children. I've been thinking lately about what this really means, especially in regards to infertility. I think, for me, it means thinking everything is possible. Not being jaded by what I've experienced the last five years. Of course it may never happen, but to lose that hopefulness is to be more like a beaten-down adult, don't you think?

But trust me, I am not leaning one way or the other. Adoption, pregnancy, I don't know what God has in store.

I really hope this attitude stays with me. It makes things a little easier!

So I left adoration feeling great, but I swear the devil was at our heels today. I really felt him creating a wedge, causing doubt, even giving Ryan problems at work. Nothing too serious, but I really felt like we were under attack. Not that I want that at all, but I hope that at least it means it's because we're on the right path!

My mom basically gave me an order to say a daily rosary, something I've done at certain points of my life but not lately, so I'm off to say one. If you get a chance, please say a prayer for my root canal in the morning. Not that it's a big deal or worthy of lots of prayers, but I wouldn't mind it going as easy as possible!