Listening to my husband

So Ryan has been pushing me lately to be more aggressive on the medical side of things. At first I wasn't sure how I felt about this. I mean, I feel silly to keep this dream alive after five years. I wanted to move on, whatever that means.

But I make it a point to always listen to my husband's wishes when it comes to infertility. I think part of it is being a submissive wife, but I think a large part of it is hoping it's the Holy Spirit working through him. Maybe we are supposed to keep pushing things medically. Maybe it's not even to conceive but to diagnose and treat another problem.

He just feels strongly that we should give it one last shot. And I do see his point. I haven't even tried many of the seemingly basic treatments that nearly all other infertile women have (injectibles, trigger shot, HCG, any ovulation drugs other than tamoxifen). Yes, I have tried for five years, but in that time all I've done is have surgeries, treat diseases with medication and take Tamoxifen. That's it. Should I throw in the towel after only trying Tamoxifen? I don't know how I feel about that.

So yesterday before leaving for work he basically instructed me to call Tep.eyac and demand a trigger shot and ultrasounds, and to call PPVI and see about becoming a patient again.

I have no problem with asking for a trigger shot, but I am a little hesitant to work with PPVI again. As you may recall, I ran into major roadblocks a year and a half ago with them and I believe I really fell through the cracks. I appreciate what they do, but they really dropped the ball with me. I did get a surgery, but in the months that followed all I did was pay $40 for a monthly cycle review and was told each time to learn yellow stamps. Really? Again? How about diagnosing the PCOS that is probably causing the excess mucus that requires learning yellow stamps?

Sorry. Off topic.

Anyways, I called Tepeyac and left a message asking for ultrasounds and a trigger shot. Today, a nurse called back and said Dr. L wanted me to schedule an ultrasound for day 12 or 13. I asked if that meant she would do a trigger shot and the nurse said all the note called for was scheduling an ultrasound. That's fine. I don't think she'd do the ultrasound if she wasn't at least considering a trigger shot.

So I have an appointment for next Tuesday morning. Ryan said he has no problem making the long drive there and back multiple days in a row if need be. Okay. I can do that if he can.

Then I called PPVI yesterday and spoke with someone who updated my information and said she'd have a nurse call me today. I did talk with a nurse today and she basically just asked what I was interested in. I explained that I was hoping to start working with them again and asked if she wanted any information, medication I was on, etc. So she asked for my medications, but honestly I'm not sure she would have if I didn't offer it. She asked about my hormone levels, I told her my progesterone and estradiol have been great the past year, and when I asked if she wanted any of those results she said no, that Dr. H would want them tested in the future.

So the nurse then said she'd have Dr. H review everything ("everything" meaning none of my records, just a few tiny details about the last 18 months, although I did make sure to stress that I had a recurrence of an endometrioma, which he told me at my post-op wouldn't happen for many, many years) and get back to me.

I know I shouldn't go into a situation with preconceived notions, but I can't help but think that doors are going to be closed to me when it comes to working with PPVI. My two main worries are that 1) I'm, again, not going to be able to have my blood drawn and mailed to them in Omaha, and 2) that Dr. H is going to want me to start taking T3 again.

I am not, under any conditions, starting over from scratch taking my stupid temps and pulses for months on end! Remember this statement! No way, no how!

Sorry.

Maybe they won't demand that. Maybe it won't be a deal breaker.

So I'm not sure how I feel about this. I guess I don't mind too much if doors continue to be opened. While I have felt called to be patient when it comes to adoption, I never really felt called to stop things medically. That was more my self-preservation kicking in (and my desire to not grow any more painfully large cysts. Is that too much to ask?). I mean, common sense would tell you that a pregnancy is not in my future, but I do feel uncomfortable stopping everything for good when we don't even know why I'm not conceiving.

It also helped that I watched a marathon of Mystery Diagnosis the other day. These people fight and fight for a diagnosis until they get one (actually, it usually seems like they just luck out with calling the right doctor). It was kind of inspiring.

We'll see. I guess it's something to do while I endure the terribly long excruciating adoption wait. I just hope it's not too difficult to go through the motions of acting like I think there's still a shot of getting pregnant. It was kind of humiliating having the RE the other day tell me repeatedly that "five years is a looooooong time." But I guess if something is humbling, then it is only good for me, right? Maybe continuing on with treatments will all be one big lesson in humility.

Who knows what this will bring. All I can do is just pray and ask the Lord to lead me in the right direction. Speaking of that, I'm off to start my novena to St. Therese.

Before I go, I just wanted to say that I loved Glee tonight (already downloaded 'Taking Chances' on iTunes.. LOVE her voice!) but why does the infertile woman always have to be nuts?!