Yesterday was our fifth anniversary and we had a great day. Ryan got me a bunch of awesome presents, we went to lunch, out to a fancy dinner, and played miniature golf in between. Speaking of which, you would have thought I ran ten miles when I was done playing mini-golf. I was exhausted!
Here's me in the process of beating Ryan:
Ryan getting serious (although it didn't help):
Notice my abdominal binder in this one (my incision is giving me problems so wearing it out is necessary):
I honestly didn't really get upset about it also being the fifth anniversary of not conceiving. I tried my best not to focus on it.
But that doesn't mean I'm not thinking about it today.
I talked to GIMH this morning and she heard from our adoption agency that basically no birthmothers are even calling the agency. She was told she should look into going with a national adoption agencies.
That's really great when your agency tells you to use another one. At least they're being honest.
So I'm depressed. I'm almost 33 years old and starting a family is no where in sight. If I'm lucky I'll probably be 35 before we adopt our first child. That means I'll be fifty when that child is starting high school.
I am really trying not to get caught up in the numbers, but it is definitely my weakness. I can't help but do the math and get depressed over what old parents we'll be. And that is if we're lucky!!!! At this point I pray to God that we can one day be old parents!
I've also been thinking a lot about how God might intend for us to never have a family. It is entirely possible he wants us to remain childless. I always pray that if that's the case, that he at least reveal to us what he wants us to do with our lives. I always feel relieved that I don't have anything placed on my heart as an answer to that, but today I realized that maybe I shouldn't think that there is some huge reason for us to remain childless. Maybe he just wants Ryan to work, me to be a housewife and just go about our lives. Maybe there isn't any grand purpose to our childlessness like I would hope - no big mission that we we'll look back on and know that we couldn't have done with children and realize it was all worth it in order for us to do God's work. No, perhaps he just wants me to suffer through an uneventful, childless life for some greater spiritual purpose.
Anything is possible. I am putting myself entirely in his hands and I know that he may bless us with children and he may not. I don't doubt this, it's just hard on a day-to-day basis to live with the reality of it.
For now, I'm left to research other adoption agencies. Agencies that charge four times what we would have paid with our local agency (I should have known it was too good to be true). We're going to have to take out a loan. Not looking forward to how the payments are going to affect us month to month, but I guess I shouldn't get ahead of myself. I have to look at this differently than getting a loan for a car or house. We just have to do this (although I am wondering how this affects your approval by one of these expensive agencies. Would they say if we can't afford it that we shouldn't adopt?).
So after officially starting the process a year ago, I feel like we are starting over. I'm praying we won't have to do another homestudy.
If anyone has had success with an agency they'd like to recommend, please either leave a comment or email me. We're looking for agencies who do domestic adoption, and we're interested in all races.
Happy anniversary. It's sounds like you and Ryan had a fun day.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you are going to have to switch agencies and that it's going to be so much more expensive.
The line where you say "perhaps he just wants me to suffer through an uneventful, childless life for some other spiritual purpose" really stopped me in my tracks. I have been so afraid that I will possibly live without parenting children on earth. I am clutching to this and I can recognize how much strength and courage you are showing in being able to recognize this and name it.
ReplyDeleteOld parents, if you are lucky. I am right there with you, I am going to be 33 in Feb. I think sometimes older parents make the best parents because they have learned many life lessons, the art of waiting well, and are most at ease with who they are and they don't expect their children to give them worth, they realize how much their children are worth . . .priceless.
God bless you and Ryan's heart for being open to all races. God will choose the child he wishes to bring into your family, I am glad you are not putting any boundaries of his infinite gifts!!!!
Happy anniversary!
I'm resigning myself...however I can't think of my childless life as being uneventful....it's eventful if you truly believe you are doing for the good of God! Heck, Mother Teresa did not have children...nor was she married...was her life uneventful? Check out the recent post from Hannah's tears...Mother Teresa still touches people today!
ReplyDeleteAnyway...adoption isn't going strong in my area either. There's a place in Texas (Dallas/Ft Worth) that seem to do a lot of adoptions (mostly bi-racial)...we talked with them and they do interstate adoptions but cost approx $40,000 or more. Let me know if you want their information. Happy Anniversary (Don't you feel blessed to have a wonderful dh?)!!! God Bless.
I don't know what God's plan for you is, but a dear friend of mine just revealed she is pregnant with her second child that took....four years to conceive. This will be her second child. The first took nearly 10 YEARS. And yes, she will be in her LATE 30s when this baby is born. But, who cares how old or young you are? What matters is how you relate to your child as he or she grows. I have seen young mothers who are old at heart and completely out of touch and older mothers who have their finger on the pulse of all that is new and current and relate perfectly to their much younger children. In both cases, my friend conceived AFTER making peace with not being blessed with a child. I'm not sure why - reduction in stress? Who knows, but I'm praying for you friend.
ReplyDeleteI've thought about the possibility of never having children and that God might want something else with my life. But it never crossed my mind that with my life, he might want NOTHING IN PARTICULAR. Which to me sounds like nothing whatsoever. And I don't think I would be able to accept that. If I don't get to have the kids everyone else has, it has to be to clear the way for something better - doesn't have to be the rich and famous kind of better, but a better path for me. How would my faith survive if I had no discernible path? I don't think it would. You pose rather too much of a challenge, missy :).
ReplyDeleteI bet we'll be hot older Moms! :)
ReplyDeleteArgh is all I have to say about all of it! Makes not sense!
Happy Anniversary! So glad you all had a great day.
ReplyDeleteHaha, I was thinking the same thing about how old I will be when we adopt and the possibility if God just wants me to a be a teacher and help/love child in that capacity. Both are tough thoughts. I really thought the adoption process was going to be easy...as we are realizing...God is always in control.
First off, Happy Anniversary!!!
ReplyDeleteAnniversaries are great reminders of what a beautiful sacrament God has given us in marriage ... although they can be painful reminders of our infertility, too.
I am so sorry about the adoption stuff. I really, really like our agency, but just recently learned they were bought out by Nightlight, which does embryo adoptions. AHHH!!! Is it immoral for us to continue with them?
I am not aware of our monies being used for anything other than our immediate adoption, so I am feeling okay about it for the time being.
So if you want more information on them, let me know. A domestic adoption will probably run us around $20,000, possibly less if we are open to all races, which, I think we pretty much are at this point, too.
I have nothing positive to offer ... in fact, I am so sorry to say that I am hitting rock bottom myself these days with those EXACT same thoughts.
You & I are the same age and I do the math all the time. Yes, there are lots of older moms out there and truth be told, you and I will both probably be great older moms. Still, it’s kind of a mourning period to realize you won’t be the young parents you thought you’d be (however, you choose to define “young.”)
ReplyDeleteI do want to say that I am not one of those people who thinks I will ever have an ah-ha moment on knowing what God’s plan is for me. I don’t know how to say that right, because I do believe people can know they are called to a vocation or minstry and things like that. That’s not what I’m talking about, but I mean that I know friends/family who can look back on things that happened in their life and say “oh, that’s why such and such happened. God wanted to prepare me for __________.” I don’t think I will ever be that insightful enough to know what the “grand plan” was/is. I’ve had good and bad stuff happen and the only thing I can say with certainty is that through it all I was called to be close to God. We are here now and every one of us is called to be holy and to grow in our relationship with God. Right now, for you and I both, that seems to mean in our marriages, family relationships, etc. The whole “bloom where you are planted” thing. One day, I hope it will include children, too, but if it doesn’t our path with God won’t be uneventful.
I am so sorry about the adoption frustrations. It seems to be getting harder and harder on everyone going through the process. I hope you find one you’re comfortable with soon. Is domestic and only option or are you considering international??
Congratulations on the big anniversary. You guys looked like you had a blast. You look great. I can’t believe from looking at the picture that you are post-surgery!
On the RE from your last post. . . I wish you lots of luck & hope your appointment goes well. I was thinking about doing a post on my RE experience because people seem to be so negative on them. FTR, mine has been great so far and he has only brought up IVF as the "best" means to control multiples. It would be malpractice for him not to mention that, so I don't hold it against him :) I love being monitored so closely. I have an idea of how the whole cycle is going from start to finish. RE's aren't for everyone, though.
ReplyDeleteGod bless!
happy anniversary! you look great, and it it sounds like you both had a fun day.
ReplyDeletei'm only a few months younger than you, and when i start thinking about the old mom thing, if that is what i will get to be, i remember both the guys my husband works with.. neither of them had any IF issues but just waited to get school done, etc... one just had his last son two years ago and he and his wife are 41.
i think i may subscribe to that 40 is the new 30 mentatlity either way.
I am brand new to the blog, but was seeking some catholic infertility support because we have struggled for 4 and a half years. I was struck by so many of your responses and your profile because they were so similar to our story.
ReplyDeleteAbout your adoption comment, we have begun working with Gladney Adoption Center in Fort Worth, TX and I thought perhaps this is the one that was refered to. We have close friends that have used them twice and have had placement both times in less than a year. The ABC program is bi-racial or Africian American but they place in 9-12 months and cost around $11,000. We have liked our experience so far and will see it through hopefully, unlike the other four other agencies before them. Good luck and I will keep you posted on our expereince.
Also, we are waiting to get into the Pope Paul VI Institute for surgery and I noticed some of the women on here have had the surgery. Any advice?? Thanks!
You should look into the agency we're using (you remember which one that is, right? If not, email me). You have the option of putting your profile online for birthmothers all over the country to see. The only added cost involved with that is that some States cost more to finalize the adoption than others (legal fees)- PLUS, of course, the travel fees to go pick up the kid if it involves flying, etc.
ReplyDeleteBut they work on a sliding scale, so we were pleasantly surprised with their rates. We are very happy with them, despite the whole big "issue" which is of course not their fault.
Our local NY/NJ wait time with this agency is 9 months (after HS approval). They get a lot of cold calls from hospitals, too, because they have an excellent reputation as being there for the bmoms, not just there to "scoop up the baby."
I definately don't think you'd need another HS. Once approved, that counts for any other agency, as long as it was conducted by an accredited agency or HS service.
Sorry to hear about your agency :( That would make me depressed, too. And I know what you mean, it's really hard NOT to get caught up with the #s. I'm glad you had a fun Anniversary, though.