Yesterday was our fifth anniversary and we had a great day. Ryan got me a bunch of awesome presents, we went to lunch, out to a fancy dinner, and played miniature golf in between. Speaking of which, you would have thought I ran ten miles when I was done playing mini-golf. I was exhausted!
Here's me in the process of beating Ryan:
Notice my abdominal binder in this one (my incision is giving me problems so wearing it out is necessary):
I honestly didn't really get upset about it also being the fifth anniversary of not conceiving. I tried my best not to focus on it.
But that doesn't mean I'm not thinking about it today.
I talked to GIMH this morning and she heard from our adoption agency that basically no birthmothers are even calling the agency. She was told she should look into going with a national adoption agencies.
That's really great when your agency tells you to use another one. At least they're being honest.
So I'm depressed. I'm almost 33 years old and starting a family is no where in sight. If I'm lucky I'll probably be 35 before we adopt our first child. That means I'll be fifty when that child is starting high school.
I am really trying not to get caught up in the numbers, but it is definitely my weakness. I can't help but do the math and get depressed over what old parents we'll be. And that is if we're lucky!!!! At this point I pray to God that we can one day be old parents!
I've also been thinking a lot about how God might intend for us to never have a family. It is entirely possible he wants us to remain childless. I always pray that if that's the case, that he at least reveal to us what he wants us to do with our lives. I always feel relieved that I don't have anything placed on my heart as an answer to that, but today I realized that maybe I shouldn't think that there is some huge reason for us to remain childless. Maybe he just wants Ryan to work, me to be a housewife and just go about our lives. Maybe there isn't any grand purpose to our childlessness like I would hope - no big mission that we we'll look back on and know that we couldn't have done with children and realize it was all worth it in order for us to do God's work. No, perhaps he just wants me to suffer through an uneventful, childless life for some greater spiritual purpose.
Anything is possible. I am putting myself entirely in his hands and I know that he may bless us with children and he may not. I don't doubt this, it's just hard on a day-to-day basis to live with the reality of it.
For now, I'm left to research other adoption agencies. Agencies that charge four times what we would have paid with our local agency (I should have known it was too good to be true). We're going to have to take out a loan. Not looking forward to how the payments are going to affect us month to month, but I guess I shouldn't get ahead of myself. I have to look at this differently than getting a loan for a car or house. We just have to do this (although I am wondering how this affects your approval by one of these expensive agencies. Would they say if we can't afford it that we shouldn't adopt?).
So after officially starting the process a year ago, I feel like we are starting over. I'm praying we won't have to do another homestudy.
If anyone has had success with an agency they'd like to recommend, please either leave a comment or email me. We're looking for agencies who do domestic adoption, and we're interested in all races.