Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Not in the mood for a happy post

I will post pictures from St. Gianna's shrine and our trip to NYC later, but it's not a great day so I'm just not in the mood to write a happy post at the moment, and the post about my trip should most definitely be a happy post. I will say, though, that we did have a great two days.

Yesterday was cycle day one and I'm just so over this. I just think it's time to move on, but the joke's on me because there's nothing to move on to. Adoption would be nice, but that isn't exactly moving forward at the moment, thanks to our abortion-happy society. So that leaves me with a whole lot of nothing.

Sure, we'll probably adopt in a year at the earliest, most likely longer. At least there's some end in sight. But it just infuriates me that I finally decide to adopt, get over all my emotional hang-ups with it, and then suddenly adoptions come to a near halt. Just my luck.

So I'm left to live in a fertile world, navigating through the pregnant women and babies everywhere I go, having my heart ripped out over and over and over and over, waiting for a reward that will come in eternity. That is, if I don't mess it up by being self-absorbed, jealous and ungrateful while I'm here.

Today when my poor, sweet husband was trying to make me feel better, he pointed out to me that I just need to turn to God in my pain and he will comfort me and bring me peace. But my reply was, 'No, actually. I have been going through this for very close to five years now and I have turned to God on a daily basis and I don't find comfort, or peace."

Don't get me wrong - I am not saying that God isn't hearing me, or isn't there, or is vindictive. Not at all. What I am saying is that for some reason - a reason which is beyond my comprehension - God doesn't want me to feel peace right now. He wants me to suffer this. He doesn't want to take away the torturous desire in me to be a mother.

I am not angry with God for this (although I can't say I'm not curious). I, thankfully, completely believe and understand that this must be his will.

I mean, the alternative would be that it is my fault, that I am doing something wrong. I'm not praying the right way. I'm not opening myself up completely to his comfort. I'm not unlocking the magical door to his peace.

But I don't think that's it. While I am no where near perfect, I have prayed my heart out for years now. I have gone to him, worshipped and loved him, and asked for his will to be done. So, I have to believe that this is it. What else can I do?

He knows my heart and he knows my desires. And so I am just left to accept that not only does he not will for me to be pregnant, but he wills for me to suffer with this right now. I have to accept that.

14 comments:

  1. K~

    I don't comment on here often, but I do understand your pain. I was there myself 4 months ago when my husband & I decided that we needed to put our dreams of parenthood on hold for the time being until we could get some things paid off and take care of some much needed home repairs.

    Someone suggested to me that I read "The Shack" to get over my anger with God. I did and it was AMAZING!!!! I read it as there were tears pouring down my eyes.

    Now my husband & I are in the process of pursuing Guardianship (which will, God willing, turn in to Adoption) of my 2.5 year old niece whose mother died a month ago. Had we gone forward with fertility stuff or pushed forward with Adopting a baby we never would have been in a position to pursue this opportunity right now. Nor would I have gone after this new job that I have right now.

    I guess what I'm saying that it doesn't feel like it now, but God really does have a plan for you and your life. It's hard to understand, and i'm still dealing with a lot of emotions about our decision to take a break, but His wisdom is always perfect.

    {{{HUGS}}} I wish that I could do something to take away your pain. I will pray for you.

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  2. I know exactly how you feel. My dh and have been TTC for six years now. I hope the lap surg helps but we are not getting hopes up. I don't know what to tell you but I haven't felt much of God in my life recently as far as TTC is concerned. I felt Him so much before. I've heard that He is closest when one feels so far away. I did feel His presence today at the pre-op appt. I want Him there during surg. I work on not questioning His motives every day. Anyway...I pray for you always. Someday we'll both know His answer. I may never know until I reach Him in eternity. I just have to offer it up and live my life for what I have now (I think it has helped that I'm in grad school too). As far as adoption goes...I agree...we don't live in a pro-life world..the bad econ is causing more abortio.ns. and more vesectomy's. blah. That is what happens when people close themselve off from God. I know in my heart God is not happy with what some are doing with their Fr.ee W.ill. Prayers and blessings.

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  3. Thank you for this post. I've been pretty down lately about the same stuff. I for sure don't have any answers. I'm praying for you!!

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  4. I thank you too for this post. I share a lot of your same feelings. I have been going through the same thing myself and feeling pretty down and depressed about my infertility. I pray constantly for God to help me through this but it has still been very hard not to get discouraged, angry, and jealous. Reading all your posts regularly has helped me A LOT. Thank you.

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  5. I am not as good as you are. I AM angry at God.

    I don't think that's wrong but maybe that's part of my problem!

    I simply DON'T UNDERSTAND this and it HURTS and I want it to STOP!

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  6. i totally feel your pain.

    unfortunately i'm at the point (and i was here even before my surgery) that i don't even believe that i'm going to ever be pregnant. the numbness used to bother me, but now it's a way of life.

    you're in my prayers, you're not alone.

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  7. Totally understand every single word of this post. Every.single.word.!!!!

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  8. I get this, too. Since we have been trying for over 4 years, I can feel deserted. It is heartbreaking. However, when I have felt this way in the past about IF, there was always something around the corner to renew my hope. I pray for that for you.

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  9. I feel a little hypocritical leaving a comment since today is actually a good peaceful day in my IF journey, but I feel compelled to leave you a note of prayer and solidarity. I think anyone who has struggled with infertility can identify with what you wrote. None of us can take away any other's pain, but I find comfort in that none of us is alone in our sadness either! Many hugs

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  10. Sweetie! Oh, how I wish you had told me last night that it was CD 1 :( I had no idea, and I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you through that pain you must have felt (especially seeing all the babies at Mass... ugggh, on CD 1 that's the WORST).

    I just wrote a post before I read yours, so please don't read it until you feel better. It's one of those sickeningly happy and optimistic posts that's likely to make you hate me.

    I wish I knew what God's will was. For you, for me, for any or all of us. I think about it as math- - I was always really good at math because I love solving the puzzle. BUT, I never did well with math teachers who just taught the formulas, and memorization techniques. I needed to know the HOW and WHY the formulas worked, and then I was free to go about solving the problem on my own. I needed to see the WHOLE PICTURE, not one memorized step at a time. (See where I'm going with this?) That's how I view this IF journey. God is only giving me one formula at a time. Now, He's not telling me I have to do it a certain way (memorization/calculator), so that makes it slightly better, but still, I feel like I'd get to the desired result a lot easier and with less question if I could see the whole picture.

    For some reason, God doesn't want us to see the whole picture. NOT YET. It must be so incredibly wonderful, that He needs to reveal it to us slowly, piece-by-piece. One of our next pieces is the "project" that you will be working on the 1st weekend in August :) How glorious, to make something to productive, so fruitful, out of this cross?!! And when we finally do have all the pieces of the puzzle and can see the whole picture, THAT will be a part that stands out, I'm sure.

    Hang in there, and know that St. Gianna is at work in your life RIGHT NOW. You brought her much honor in going so far to visit her shrine, and venerate her gloves, not once, but TWO years in a row. She has not forgotten you, and she is praying for you!

    Big hugs.

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  11. I have been crying for 2 days straight. I was hoping to leave a hopeful happy message but that wouldn't be honest. Sometimes I don't know if I am crying for me or for those I have met online that I feel so helpless to aid(except through prayer and offering my sufferings). Between the government, the swine flu and the baby dreams(unfulfilled), I'm feeling rather overwhelmed. I can tell you that my best friend has been able to get pregnant with 5(of her 9) children with ONE ovary and gyno issues. She is pregnant again. She is an inspiration because if she can do it on one falling apart ovary, surely God works miracles. Just not in the timeframe or way we want. I see how catholic women struggle with God's Will and patience and it is unique to us. There is no test tube, no cloning, no surrogate....just our desire to do God's Will....which opens us up to much suffering and hurt. It is the suffering that unites us...as hard as it is to bear. I'm sorry I am crying and not as positive as I could be but I am honest and real...that counts for something, right? I know God is with us, we just don't feel all warm and fuzzy. That's ok, sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if I should pray for understanding. Maybe it would help to bear the hurt better. God bless.

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  12. I would really appreciate it! Do you happen to have a charger? OMG! I am so needy! If not I can get one. I know beggers can't be choosers! Please send it and I will pay for your shipping! :)

    Bless you! Thank you so much!

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