Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Mood swings *Updated with progesterone level

I had to resist posting yesterday since it wouldn't have been pretty. When my progesterone drops on peak +8, watch out. I'm a mess. Actually, I was at my in-laws for most of the day and I was fine, other than when I called my doctor's office to make an appointment for the end of May (thinking I'm getting in WAY ahead of time) and was told I could have an appointment on June 16. A two month wait. My Tamoxifen runs out next month and we will have no plan at that point. 

So I shed some tears briefly, but then was fine for the remainder of the day until we started driving home. I wish I could see my hormone levels throughout the day because something shifted around 6 o'clock. I was in one of those "I can't go on like this" moods. You know the one. Where you just don't think you are physically and emotionally capable to continue living year after year in a fertile world. It's not like I don't want to live. No, it's not like that at all! Don't worry! It's just this weird feeling like you are physically exhausted and you don't see how you are going to keep going through this day after day. You become sure that your body will just give out from the sheer stress placed on it. You wonder how many times you can see pregnant women or babies and endure the actual piercing feeling you experience in your heart. You are sure it will kill you.

We had adoration last night and I was really bratty while there. I should probably go to confession for it. I swore I wouldn't pray, wouldn't beg God for anything anymore. I ended up praying, of course, but not a lot. I sat and pouted for most of the hour. And I let him know that I felt abandoned. Forgotten. Totally passed over. Unloved. Then, on my knees in front of the Blessed Sacrament, I realized what I was telling him was actually a description of how he was treated during the Passion. Hmmm. Touché, God. I guess you were working on me as I sat there, angry with you. You somehow took my complaints and turned them around so I would realize the most important figure in the history of time on Earth, who also happened to be GOD, also experienced this and much, much more. And that to feel abandoned, to feel what you felt, might actually be a grace, a gift. And I thought I was just going to sulk and really show you.

I'm feeling much better today. Some hormone must be rising, leveling out. Who knows. I don't care. I had my peak +9 blood draw this morning and now we're about to eat lunch. I'm not as worried about waiting two months for my next appointment. I do have some decisions to make about our next step, but I no longer feel compelled to make them today.

Oh, and I found this, which lifted my spirits tremendously. I decided yesterday that I needed to attend a Catholic conference like the one I went to in February, to refresh me spiritually. I asked God to help me find one. Of course, he came through. And rather quickly. And one of the speakers is someone I googled all day yesterday because I really wanted to see her (thanks to Shannon, who heard her speak about her own struggles with infertility this past weekend), while another speaker who will be there I wouldn't have dreamed I'd ever be able to see. Check out the speakers list to see who I'm talking about. You'll want to go!

*Update: So my doctor's office called and my peak +7 progesterone this cycle was 27 (and for those of you who actually know what estradiol does and what a good level is, that was 241). That's a lot lower than my peak +7 in February when it was 44.21 (last month doesn't really count because peak +7 fell on a Sunday), but I guess it's still okay because 44 is crazy high. And I guess 27 is good for not being on any progesterone supplements. I'll let you know when I hear about peak + 9 (I know, try to contain yourselves). Peak +11 gets drawn Friday.


  1. I know exactly how you feel on days like yesterday. It just sucks.

    I just get so angry with God. It can't be healthy for my physically. I get angry with my husband, and angry at everything and everyone.

    I am glad you are feeling better today. Also, when Shannon told me about Caviezel's wife, I felt some sense of comfort. Not that I am happy she had infertility, but that I don't feel so ashamed ... or something. I wish I could be there. Hmmm ... I thought this conference was the same weekend as the National Right to Life conference in June. But now it says Sept. 11. I am confused.

  2. WOW! I don't know which is more exciting- - Laura Molla or Kerri Caviezel! (OK, the first is more exciting, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE Jim and Kerri!!)
    I saw her on EWTN talking about her adoptions... but she never mentioned the IF, I just assumed that's what the issue was. And it was so powerful to make that connection. Now, I KNOW Jim Caviezel isn't GOD - - but the fact that the man who played Him in the most powerful Jesus movie of our times HAS CARRIED OUR EXACT SAME CROSS... well, it takes my breath away. Like Jesus is telling us Himself, "I know your struggle. I have gone through them ALL. Yes, them ALL!"

  3. Laura Molla!! You are so lucky!! Sounds like an awesome conference!!

  4. so I think I need to go to this conference...
    for a few reasons.
    1. Our Cardinal will be there (from MA)
    2. Terry Polakavic--her daughter went to my college and my good friend helped edit one of her books!
    3. I am OBSESSED with the Nashville Dominican Sisters
    4. and MOST of all... Laura Molla!

    seriously! I think I'm going to sign up. I'll let the Holy Spirit take care of the job thing (looks like the conference is on a Friday and I'd need to take a day off which I think is pretty much impossible when you first start a job!)

  5. Wow...that's, what, fifteen miles from me? I drag my feet about deciding on these things, but I think I would like to see Madam Caviezel speak. Unless, of course, she prattles on about how infertility is wonderful and joyful and holy (or adoption is such a blessing that it's not like she lost anything at all), and I feel it necessary to try to gouge her eyes out. So I'm going to think about it :).

  6. I am so jealous that I live so far away from this fabulous conference's location! It looks fantastic. Thank goodness you write such detailed posts, because when you go - I will get to experience it in some small way!
    Thank you for your nice comment. Isn't it so sad when your overall job environment is so great, but one person can make you question yourself.
    I am eager to see how your results come out, it is so strange that we can really tell when that drop in hormones occur. Keep up the faith - we are all still praying for many miracles to be added to your life!

  7. That is a great result!!

    I can't wait for the others to come back, too!

  8. K, I couldn't have put it better myself! I had one of those emotional breakdowns about an hour ago where I told my husband that I no longer wanted to take the clomid bc it's obvious that God does not want me to conceive and that we should focus on adoption. It was bad so yes I know. I can only hope that this hormonal downshift is good news

  9. Thank you for posting this. It gives me comfort to know its not "just me" who feels tired from asking God "a baby please". My young daughter, last noght, confided in me that she cries at night because her brothers are autistic and she is the only normal one. She said "I just want a normal brother or sister". I couldn't promise her or respond. I don't know if it will ever happen and I'm 41(after losing 4 babies). So much heartbreak. Sometimes, I'm tapped out from asking and praying. Then I feel bad...a lot. God bless you for your witness and your honesty(and suffering).